very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal!

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

Oh, my friends.

Oh, my friends, I have missed you and this space of ours.

And if you are reading here, then I count you among my friends, because something about this space feels full of trust and comfort, and if you want to be here, then I think we would probably be friends, and so we are.

Maybe that’s weird. And maybe it’s not weird at all.

What beautiful wishes.

I love the peacefulness in coming here, the treasure I find in reading everyone’s wishes in the comments, the way we whisper (and sometimes shout) in joy and recognition, “Oh wow, what beautiful wishes!”

And this week I have felt hesitant.

So many beautiful wishes — beautiful and wonderfully terrifying wishes — have been bubbling up inside of me, and I have been dancing around them, not ready to meet them and give voice to them.

The words inside of my words.

It is so funny what I just said, the words which came to me to describe my current situation…

Dancing around my wishes. In fact, many of my wishes are related to dancing.

Not ready to give voice to them. As someone who doesn’t speak, writing is the way I give voice to wishes. Writing and dancing, actually. Waltzing the words into the light.

Bubbling up inside of me. My wishes are also about buoyancy, effervescence, that tingling rising sensation of joyful possibility, and staying connected to that.

Okay, let’s where this goes.

What if we make a list.

I am just going to list all the things bubbling up that I am currently wishing for, including qualities and aspects of the wishes.

And then I would like to investigate my wishes, to ask questions about them, whether here or on my own. For example, “Is this really what I want?” from the OOD caper. Or the very useful question “What’s true and what’s also true?”

What else is needed here in addition to questions?

Spaciousness and permission for all my wishes to exist.

Acknowledgment and legitimacy for all these sweet, beautiful wishes in all of their vulnerability and raw wanting.

Protection and shelter for each tiny, sweet thing.

Yes, those are wishes too. Wishes for the wishes! Wishing for my wishes to be received and welcomed with love and graciousness.

My wishes, right now.

  • I want to be okay with my pace of learning. No, more than okay. I want to celebrate my uniquely Havi way of learning, even — especially! — when sometimes in some situations how I learn seems to be much slower than [other people’s expectations or my perception of their expectations]. I want to delight in being a person who learns in the particular way that I learn.
  • I want to LOVE spinning. The kind you do in dance, though I am also receptive to loving spinning in the sense of stories, or in the sense of (metaphorically) weaving.
  • New dance shoes that feel like home to my feet. Maybe dance boots. And a salve of calm for my monsters who think investing in anything related to dance is very dangerous and will lead to Regret and Doom.
  • I want to study with Kemba Shannon!
  • I want to release the need to compare myself to other people. To remember that People Vary. To scoop up Tiny Me and whisper to her that she is good.
  • I want to let release pain, shame, distress and judgment from all the memories and stories related to Everyone Else Can Figure This Out and for whatever reasons it takes me so much longer to get it. Learning how to swim, to ride a bicycle, to drive, even to blow bubbles with bubblegum. I was sixteen when a bubble-blowing lesson finally got through, and for the next several years I would still sometimes forget how to do it, and have to re-remember. Or the things I never figured out and still can’t do and may never do, like how to do a cartwheel, or how to whistle, or read music, or [things I think I should be able to do].
  • There is a project, a secret mission, a thing I dearly want to do, and it costs [not insignificant sum of money that I do not currently have], and I want to discover that I do have the means to do this and didn’t know it, or maybe to discover a creative way to generate this sum, which seems challenging since I am intentionally not working the fields at the moment, but I would like to be surprised with good surprises on this one.
  • Easing my way into things instead of either pushing or running away.
  • To be the eye of the storm and calmly survey all that I have set into motion.
  • The superpower of FIERCE GRATITUDE (I currently feel Fierce Gratitude for this concept, which I got from a Rally friend who got it from Carrie Ann Moss), and a companion superpower to this which I just invented, and I am naming it SWEET COURAGE.
  • I want the just-right place to stay in Seattle next weekend while I am on a secret op, and a lovely calm and quiet person who can drive me to my dance workshops and not need anything from me other than gas money and a smile.
  • I want to enjoy the hell out of the absolutely terrifying class I just signed up for, and to award myself ten billion sparklepoints for being brave and trying it.
  • I want to remember that as someone who is both High Sensation Seeking and Highly Sensitive, it makes sense that I am constantly in a pattern of doing something scary (because it gives me a high, and connects me to FREEDOM!), and then needing to hide for a week (hello, quiet and sweetness and SAFETY). The hiding isn’t a sign that something is wrong with me, and it doesn’t mean I screwed up. It’s just a natural part of the creative process for a Havi. I am feeding both aspects of my being, living the HA and the THA of my life. May I remember this please, and meet myself with love.
  • It is okay to want novelty and sparkliness on the one hand, and ease and security on the other. May all the superpowers of Languid Adventuring find their way to me, so that I can be the queen of the slow, beautiful, deliberate crossing of the seas, a wild adventuress who loves a good healing nap, amen.

Anything I’m noticing about my wishes?

They are about permission and love, and permission to deeply love, to be deeply loved.

Once upon a time, back when I was in a relationship with The Spy, I was having a really rough day, a really tough time being me, and I texted him that I had spent the entire day on the couch eating potato chips, failing at life.

And he texted back, “Well, I love you. I love you when you eat potato chips. I love you BECAUSE you eat potato chips.”

And there was this moment of a deeper understanding about what unconditional actually means.

Up until that point it hadn’t occurred to me that there could be something better than someone loving me in this potato chip moment despite the crumbs all over my face, despite my total current lack of ability to interact with the world in any way other than mediating it with salt and tears. But what if I can be fully loved and accepted in that moment. I know, right?

Since then, I have learned about other astonishing forms of love and self-love, and also I learned that sometimes a person can offer unconditional love in some forms or moments and not in others, this is all part of the learning-and-loving of life.

The reason I am telling you about this though is that I wish to be this kind of love-spilling-over person towards myself — towards myself in all (potato-chip-covered) moments, towards all aspects of myself. This is what these wishes are about.

Invitation.

You are invited to share many !!!!!! about my wishes and realizations here, to share anything sparked for you while reading, to say “oh wow, what beautiful wishes” to me and to each other, to wish your own wishes.

Now.

My housemate and I have been releasing furniture from our beautiful home as we move towards getting it ready to rent out. I thought that selling the lovely table by the window nook would make the nook less inviting, but today it was the only place I could write, even though I never write here.

The light is fading. I am thinking about Australia, about rumba, about Paula Abdul, about languid adventuring, and how Fiercely Grateful I am to have this online home where I can bring all my words and share them with you.

What does Slightly Future Me have to say?

Ze: I feel FIERCELY GRATEFUL about everything, and especially about you getting to this point where you are ready to love how you learn.
Me: Well, I feel FIERCELY GRATEFUL about you, and having you as my ally and companion in all of this.
Ze: I wouldn’t do this adventure with anyone else, babe.

Clues.

I was starting to feel anxious about all these big changes going on with the house, and then my lover started asking very technical questions in his calm, grounded way, and suddenly I could really feel what it would be like for me once these changes happened.

I felt bubbly and hopeful, and then the song Bring Me Sunshine came on.

The superpower of this is a badass way to live.

July - Love MoreJune was RELEASE MORE, with the superpower of I am stronger than I think, and now July is LOVE MORE, because this is a badass way to live.

This is a badass way to live.

Meeting myself as I am, in this moment, with as much love as I can stand. And if in a certain moment it is too hard for me to love myself or even like myself, then meeting that with love and with presence.

There is nothing more badass than that.

Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…

Nap, dance, write, play, labyrinths. Get quiet. Sweet pauses, yes to red lights and purple pills, thank you to the broken pots. Costume changes. Skip stones. Body first. Thank you in advance. Eight breaths in eight directions:

Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week aka Quarters…

I made a wish about new quarters for me and this is happening, and also I made a wish about looking at time in a new way, and now I have the best secret op ever for the next quarter, assuming I figure out how to finance it, but I feel very hopeful about it, even though there is no reason that I am aware of to feel hopeful about it, I just do.

Thank you, process of writing about wishes. Thank you, me who asked.

Ongoing Wishes. Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I claim my superpowers. Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more.

Keep me company! Or just say hi!

You can deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, seeds, secret agent code, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.

Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox