What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

The longest & shortest month is over (a check-in)

A dream and an accomplishment (story hour)

I had a terrible dream last night, and it started out so beautifully and so promising. In the dream, I went to visit my favorite person to smile at, and we beamed at each other happily for a long time, and on the way back to my car, someone came at me with a knife and stabbed me.

When I told my smiling companion about the dream, they immediately asked where I was stabbed. I didn’t know.

While it rattled me, I think this dream is not so much about [the dream events] as it is the return of March.

A year ago we had no idea, or maybe an inkling of an inkling, but we did not know the extent to which everything would be overturned and undone; certainly I did not know how I would be undone.

February, the longest and shortest month, is over, and a new March is approaching, and there is momentous anticipation along with a sort of panicky trepidation in the air, because we are all deeply traumatized from the last one, and the way it seemingly lasted for years.

And so I am being given an opportunity to remember and practice Now Is Not Then — even and especially when now reminds me of then, as well as the superpower of Do-overs Forever, which was my February theme and really my whole life theme. Reset restart. New breath, new moment, what is here?

In the meantime, if you’re wondering if I exceeded my January record of 8000 sun salutations aka Sundulations, despite the month having fewer days in general and fewer sundulationable days due to Trauma and some chronic pain stuff, I am waiting for that call from Assassin School. Any day now.

Raising a glass of lavender sparkling water to my NINE THOUSAND AND NINETY NINE February sun salutations, because I’ve got nine thousand ninety nine problems but my morning ritual is not one of them.

Thanks to Laura for saying I should get the opposite of the Nobel Peace Prize, the Lebon Vengeance Prize, yes please to this prize being a thing and to me getting it.

Weekend Check-in, we made it.

Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, but another form of remembering, turning inward with attentiveness.

We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.

Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.

If I neglect to name something big in the world, could be ADHD, but also I’m on an extended break from news after spiraling hard in December.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO and THING ONE remain the combination of the pandemic and the dissonance, the lack of an agreed upon reality or even a shared context, re the coronavirus and also in the political.

I said this last week and it’s still true, so much time goes to trauma processing and rage processing from this and related things, also every single aspect of the attack on the Capitol, the horrors of the Trump administration and also literally every time I remember that the Supreme Court exists, etc.

This week’s challenges were mostly boundary-related and ADHD-related. How do I function in a world when I live outside of time? And how do I explain what I want to people whose wants for me are so entirely different as to exist in a different plane.

I had some uncomfortable realizations that were useful, but it took a while in the discomfort to get to the useful.

Tired of situations that do not hold me in high regard.

The ongoing mystery of where/how to live, and how to stop moving all the time.

And the ongoing question: how do I shower myself in adoration and affection to such an extent that any from anyone else is just a fun bonus? Who knows, but that’s the practice.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

I baked the tiniest and most adorable ancient Persian vengeance cookies, aka hamentaschen, which I have not done in many years. As my favorite youtube chef would say, you are after all the Snookie of your ancient Persian vengeance cookie. And I am going to challenge myself to post a pic on Instagram for you, even though being online kinda stresses me out right now.

Poolside lounging like the happiest cat, writing full moon wishes and communing with the mountains.

Last night’s nightmare aside, I have been sleeping well and looking forward to bed instead of fighting with bed time, which is the dream.

Today I moved back to my favorite place, and I get to stay here for two entire weeks, and I am so thrilled to be reunited with this space that loves me back.

Speaking of places and wanting them to love me back, I bravely had a hard long distance conversation with the dragon (my 150 sq ft trailer in New Mexico), and it was fruitful. The builder built the dragon to be a very small home, and I wanted that, but the dragon does not wish to be a home. The dragon wishes to be a place for ritual.

There are a variety of forms this could take. The dragon would welcome being a place to write a specific form of writing it desires to bring into the world, or a place to create special concoctions to be shared with others (vanilla extract, very good mustard). It knows clearly that its purpose is for magic and not to be lived in, even in a magical way, and it took a while to be able to accept this, because I was trying to understand it. But this is one of those things where understanding is besides the point. The dragon knows what is best, and nothing is wrong, I didn’t make a mistake, I just need to reconfigure my vision.

Is that hard or good? I guess both, but in my heart I know it is good that we came to this clarity together. I am someone who knows how to listen and to reconfigure, these are things I can do, and that matters.

Delicious things remain delicious: desert tinctures, the mountains turning pink in the evening, morning bobcat time (stretching and moving), the way I am smiled at by the person who smiles at me like that, listening to Arabic music in the car and recognizing more words, the way Incoming Me just wants to wrap me up in love.

Ancient Persian Vengeance Cookies aside, I do love that I come from a people that celebrates grudges. Purim is truly the best holiday and I’m not just saying that because I was a Purim baby. Imagine being so MIDDLE FINGER IN THE AIR to the person who tried to mess with you that you name a whole dessert after your enemy, and eat it each year just to celebrate their downfall. Your enemies failed in their attempts to wrong you, and you name a cookie after them. Honestly inspirational.

In that spirit, I renewed a domain that I don’t want or need, because of an ancient grudge of my own, and the person who wants it could just have it if they’d apologize for being terrible to me, but they don’t want to, and so I took pleasure in this yearly ritual. It’s the little things.

This week, in addition to genuinely joyful grudges, also held insight, patience, self-tenderness, good conversations, warmth and hope. And much writing about some familiar and new goal-wishes, aka Gwishes…

Thank you again so much to everyone who sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, it is always welcome and received with love, and if I can land in a place, which is the wish-goal of wish-goals, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

Dessert First (a check-in but also a philosophy)

Dessert First (story hour)

I had no motivation for anything at all this week, and Incoming Me keeps saying DESSERT FIRST, and I thought she meant in a more literal sense like bribing myself with sweetness.

But eventually my incoming selves got tired of me not getting it, and explained to me again in no uncertain terms that I can’t fight reality; I have to work with what is. And at the most basic level of [what is] rests the simple truth that I am motivated by Pleasure, Vengeance & Rebellion, but mostly pleasure.

Vengeance will work, and Rebellion, aka being told I can’t do something, will absolutely get me to do anything, but Pleasure is the most reliable door back to myself.

And back to myself is where I want to be before starting any task or setting off on any adventure.

This means, they said, that if I’m feeling grumpy and resentful (haha, which I very much was), it’s because I’m not living by Dessert First as a way of being, and I need to shower myself in pleasure before attempting anything at all.

Anyway, that’s why the check-in didn’t happen until Tuesday evening, because I had to re-learn this and acquire ginger cardamom chocolate, and take a delicious hot shower with a bath bomb. Most importantly, I had make the choice to ignore my long list and play hooky until I had wants again.

Weekend Check-in, we made it.

Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, but another form of remembering, turning inward with attentiveness.

We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.

Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.

If I neglect to name something big in the world, could be ADHD, but also I’m on an extended break from news after spiraling hard in December.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO and THING ONE remain the one two punch of the pandemic and the dissonance, the lack of an agreed upon reality or even a shared context, re the coronavirus and also in the political.

Related to this, and also in a more general sense, I just keep finding myself thinking about how trauma processing is just a full time unpaid job that is exhausting, on the personal and in the collective.

I am also thinking a lot about how, in addition to the everything of everything, we are not recovering from the Trump acquittal. In fact, it is continuing to be very…stirring up lots of other stuff about how the bad people thrive and are rewarded, if that makes sense. As if we are all extra walking around in our trauma. We knew the country wasn’t safe but it’s more known-known now, it was openly acknowledged that nothing fucking matters, and that wasn’t just an aspect of the last four years, that is how it works.

Even as someone who is really not even marginally patriotic, I still experienced the attack on the capitol as a kind of home invasion. We watched an attack on our home, and then, as always, there are no consequences for the people who do us harm.

I moved again, and again. I am in the tenth place I have lived just in February, and there is still one more place before March. A few more days were lost to trauma and processing and recovering.

There was pounding on the door while I was doing yoga. Was that this week? What is time. I understand nothing.

I cried at the eye doctor because I didn’t have an emergency contact to fill in. I had to look up the number of someone who is barely speaking to me because I couldn’t think of anyone.

I also cried because I didn’t know how to answer any of the questions. What is my occupation. Do I use a computer for work? When did I last visit an eye doctor, what address should they send a reminder postcard to in a year, who knows, how could a person know any of these things. Not me.

And I also cried because it’s been a month since I’ve been able to do laundry or cook. Basically there was a lot of crying this week, because I forgot how my cycle works, even though the Designated Sobbing Days (DSD, there’s a Fake Band of the Week!) arrive at the exact same time every month and have done so since the first Gulf War, but can I remember that? I cannot.

Other than that, I am just deeply involved in the ongoing question: how do I shower myself in adoration and affection to such an extent that any from anyone else is just a fun bonus, not a top-off and definitely not a drug I crave and become beholden to? Well, that’s a mystery, isn’t it. I am working on it.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

Delicious things are delicious: the sun, the light on the mountains, the long beautiful drive to a favorite secret spot that I do on my in-between days when I have to check out of one place and cannot yet land at the new one.

Sleep is delicious. I love climbing into bed, ready to become one with the weighted blanket.

Morning bobcat time (yoga, movement, breathing, stretching) is delicious, and so are my sun salutations that put me into a stupor-trance of focus and wonder. They don’t tire me these days, they invigorate me, and that too is some sort of plateau passed.

Morning epiphanies and insights are delicious too, my wise selves talk to me in meditation, in journaling, in the shower, when I step outside to greet the sun.

My rituals are delicious.

The month of Adar is here (my birthday month, in the Hebrew calendar) and the month of Adar is for joy, and I feel it like a door. Victorious. Joyful. We made it. Good job. I am going to be forty four, which feels magical and impossible, against all odds, who would have thought, but here I am, alive and glad for this life.

This week held love, affection, warmth, insight, inspiration, hope, tenderness, sharing, kindness, smiling and surprise soup. As hard as the hard things were (and they were), I feel tremendously thankful for the treasure revealed, and hopeful for a new week. And sure, it’s Tuesday but also what is time.

And while I am sad about not having access to an oven, that is a solvable mystery and I am welcoming safe simple solutions that hold me in high regard, and trying to focus on how great it is that I want to bake again.

Imagine whispering to November Me who couldn’t get out of bed that February Havi is absolutely craving spending an afternoon baking bread. Things shift and move and get better. It’s not easy to trust that, but hey guess what, it happens anyway.

Thank you so much to everyone who sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, it covered the terrible place I had to cancel on which was an alarming expense. What treasure, thank you! It is always welcome and if I can land in a place, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

backwards & upside down chicken check-in

Honey Coated

We have a Monday chicken check-in this week because Friday was packing up again, Saturday was given to coming up with a new plan, and both Sunday and Monday were moving days again, because everything in Tucson is booked right now, and all my backup plans fell through.

Anyway, I didn’t want to throw away leftover ingredients and provisions from my nine day stay in the canyon, so I organized them all very carefully in my Wandering Galley Kitchen On The Road backpack, a thing I invented.

And somehow a very expensive jar of lavender honey decided to open itself along the drive and thoroughly coat every single item I had packed so thoughtfully.

Have you ever watched a cooking video where they tell you to really rub your spice mixture in well to make sure you get every crevice. This jar of honey was on that kind of mission.

So now I’m on cleanup duty and wondering if this is, hmmm, not exactly a metaphor but kind of an encapsulation for the Month of Do-Overs.

In other words, plans are bullshit, preparation is a joke, choose the path of least resistance, follow ease, react less, let things be done when they’re done, etc.

Weekend Check-in, we made it.

Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, but another form of remembering, turning inward with attentiveness.

We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.

Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.

If I neglect to name something big in the world, could be ADHD, but also I’m on an extended break from news after spiraling hard in December.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO and THING ONE are still the pandemic and the dissonance, the lack of an agreed upon reality or even a shared context, whether regarding the coronavirus or political reality or anything at all.

The place I was staying had a super bowl party. They invited me to their super bowl party. I am not keyed in to anything, so not only did I not know it was the time of year for the super bowl, it had not even occurred to me that it would still be happening in the middle of a pandemic. Seems like a lot of touching????

Which is honestly just rude. Like, don’t rub it in, football players. Or lavender honey.

Anyway, the point is, I have not socialized in nearly a year, unless you count the walk with my friend when the hornet stung me, and I do not plan to socialize until everyone has been vaccinated, and even then, not entirely sure if I want to. The entire situation was baffling to me. Like wandering into another reality. I don’t like it.

Related: it is challenging for me to conceptualize any kind of after. My trust is low. I’ll be glad to get a vaccine whenever that happens but having any amount of excitement feels like another variation on the Mueller Report, a hope-generating scam. I hope I’m wrong, and it’s just my Eeyore side wanting to protect me from let-down.

In addition to being a covid party hot spot, my temporary home also featured a construction project and a very impressive audio system, with a subwoofer that took its job seriously. Have you ever found yourself in a car next to another car thumping bass with such intensity that you have an out of body experience? If you collect disruptive sensory experiences, that’s one for the books. Anyway, that’s what it was like when they were watching sports or a movie, but I’d already made several requests in the interest of covid safety, and wasn’t up to more negotiating.

I hex them with email filters that don’t work (hat tip to Kathryn for my new favorite hex), and a collection of small misfortunes, minor annoyances which taken together make them wonder if they’ve wronged a sorceress.

Also discovered I’m allergic to mesquite. Really the only thing better than vibrating all the way out of your body due to a buzzsaw and a subwoofer is doing that while an alarming amount of snot is gushing out of your nose.

And V day is a prime example of how external culture is just generally unkind, uninclusive, celebrating the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I make my own plans for Victorious Day, and renew my commitment and devotion to a life of Pleasure & Freedom, enjoying the deliciousness of my life my way, and I try to avoid the world.

So of course my hosts gave me a pink card in a red envelope wishing me a happy [rhymes with Banal-entines] day, and cookies made only from ingredients I can’t consume, and it kind of felt like being given trash. I couldn’t think of a polite way to get out of it, which kind of sums of my entire two weeks of boundary issues, though I did manage to swiftly extricate myself from the place that was haunted, and the one with the yappy little dog.

Something about selfishness, need to explore that, lots of situations where people were just shockingly inconsiderate, and it was not about me, but same situation: having to share information about what I needed which seemed basic and obvious, and resenting having to put in a request for obvious basic needs, and then that information, once shared, not being respected at all. Gonna ponder on that some more.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • Sleeping well, doing my best to make JLo and the sleep gods proud by going to bed early.
  • Do-overs are what I do best. I’m an agile bobcat, I land on my feet, I can self-rescue.
  • I walked a labyrinth six times, two of those times backwards. That is, I backwards-walked it, you can only move one way in a labyrinth but I did it facing the other way, in honor of my wise, playful and completely magical uncle Svevo who is a devotee of backwards-walking, and it is his birthday this week, celebratory cake for Svevo.
  • The labyrinth gave me quite a bit of insight and several good clues, but my favorite part is that it told me, “You love a challenge. So use that.” It’s true. I do love a challenge. And also I spend a lot of time feeling annoyed about various challenges in my life. How can I use my love of challenges to find more fun in all the upheaval?
  • Victorious Day was surprisingly quite lovely despite some personal painful history there. I did Victorious things. My long lost lover gave me the gift of my favorite ginger chai cookie and we had a very distanced (as in: separate parts of the city) cookie date by text, it was simple and loving and very sweet and, this is a weird thing to say about someone I have complicated feelings towards, uncomplicated. The cookie too was delicious and a simple pleasure that went a long way (superpowers of that please), and I was inspired to do other delicious things like nap and enjoy quiet alone time, plus late night solitudinal immersion in a triangular hot tub under the stars.
  • The things that are good are very good. I feel appreciative of all the ways I am caring for myself in this time. My practice is holding me. Movement, meditation, sleep rituals, writing rituals, keeping phone off, it’s all supporting me, and I feel excitement again, about a surprisingly wide variety of things.
  • I am training hard right now and it feels amazing. Not sure for what, but the what will reveal itself later, like so many things.
  • While it is certainly more challenging to stick to my wish of Delicious Food, Beautifully Plated while constantly on the mood (haha that was supposed to be on the move, but why not both), I am making it work.
  • Deeply thankful. Reassuring texts from friends, sunshine, the saguaro who wave at me, each new word I learn, feeling the urge to slow down a lot on a quiet road, and then an entire family of javelina crossed right in front of me. Magic. Hopefulness. Basking in appreciation for moments of grace and this experience of being alive.
  • Speaking of my grateful thank-you heart, three more people sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, and I said this last week, and it’s still true, it is so lovely and it is easing my heart around the expense and time involved in moving and not being able to work, and also reminded me that I keep forgetting to share the link. It is always welcome and if I can land in a place, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

Joyful Agility (a check-in!)

Victorious Month

February is Victorious Month, in the world of me at least. It even comes with a V Day which is clearly for Victory (I refuse to hear any other explanations at the moment), and so I have been intently focused on the superpowers of Small Victories Are Also Victories. Aka everything counts.

My main theme at the moment is Joyful Agility, mainly related to the many mysteries of how to find ease while constantly moving in a pandemic when I hate moving.

What if I don’t hate moving at all? What if movement is grace?

I have been practicing this in my morning sun salutations by deciding that whatever number I’m on is lucky. LUCKY SEVENTEEN!

And the main thing I learned this week related to Joyful Agility, Stay Formidable, and Victorious Victories is that I really need to know my Non-Negotiables ahead of time.

So there ya go. Fake band of the week is Joyful Agility & The Non-Negotiables. Is this band just one person? Probably. Lucky Seventeen can be their first album.

Weekend Check-in (Chicken!), we made it.

Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, it is another form of remembering, turning inward, paying attention, attentiveness to self.

We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.

Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.

If I neglect to name something big in the world this week, could be ADHD, but more likely it’s my break from news after spiraling hard in December.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO and THING ONE are still the pandemic and the dissonance, the different worlds we seem to be navigating, the lack of an agreed upon reality or even a shared context, whether regarding the coronavirus or political reality or anything at all. My perception is that I can’t trust anyone, and I can’t even trust trust. My kingdom for consensus reality!

I was not able to solve The Mystery of What Happens Monday, what happened Monday was basically a disaster, and so I have moved four different times this week. Basically all I did this week was carry my things back and forth from my car, and fill time reluctantly.

Related: I dislike the phrase killing time, but is filling any better? Four times this week I found myself with a six hour window between checkout and checkin, with nowhere to go.

If we weren’t in a pandemic, I could have gotten some work or writing done in a cafe, or gone to visit a friend, but those aren’t possible, and so the time just needed to be filled but I couldn’t fill it with any of the things I perceive that I need or want to be doing.

One place I stayed was gross, one extremely haunted, one was fine but not available. The place I finally landed is bad news but sadly I am out of both options and energy, so now ten days to fill (yes) in a place that is really not acceptable. Another expensive, frustrating mystery, and thanks I hate it.

Missed out on yoga and my other morning practices three times because of the moving around, and my morning routines are really the main thing that keeps me functioning, so that’s not awesome, but we made it work.

Everything else is just a combination of boundary issues, Groundhog Day related challenges (aka this terrible situation is eerily familiar and nothing I try to get out of it seems to work), and living above a carpentry shop, which was another fun surprise that someone really could have mentioned instead of describing their place as “quiet and peaceful”. I hex them with deep abiding self-awareness, and rats.

I also encountered people who think the pandemic is a big hilarious joke, but I had to be polite to them, because I just lost an enormous amount of money trying to solve the What Happens Monday Mysteries, and this is my last place to stay, and one of them laughed in my face and then grabbed my hand to shake it before I could stop him. DO-OVERS FOREVER. And more hexing.

Oh, and because I had time to fill and no way to fill it and too many troubled thoughts, I began for the first time in weeks to really miss mindlessly aimlessly scrolling for clues on social media, so a heartfelt thank you to my friends who reassured me that it was all desperately boring and terribly depressing and that I was missing out on exactly nothing, and even if that was a lie to make me feel better, I appreciate it immensely, but also it kind of sounds possible and true, so who knows.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • Sleeping well, despite all the current tumult, sleeping well and maybe even close to enough. And without remembering dreams, a rare and blissful reprieve.
  • I’m an agile bobcat, I land on my feet, I can move through challenging times with steady grace, I’ve done it before and I plan to continue. I practiced SELF-RESCUE and got myself out of the terrible situation instead of trying to make it work like I did in November, which was a Known Disaster.
  • My friends kept me company by text this week and sent reassuring loving reminders about how I am a creative genius who knows how to solve mysteries, and that helped a lot.
  • Wandering the city all week led to some new fun discoveries.
  • Groundhog Day is my personal holiday of Do-Overs Forever, and I celebrated right, with yoga twice and breakfast twice and going back to bed.
  • My favorite breakfast place in Tucson named a certain beloved sandwich — aka my one true love breakfast, The Havi Special (when ordered the way I like it), and honestly I didn’t even know that was a life dream, but now that it has been fulfilled, I feel proud and happy to have achieved this wish that apparently I have always wanted and didn’t even know.
  • Star Car hit 100,000 miles just as I was crossing my favorite street to head towards Saguaro National Forest, it felt auspicious, well-augured. I rewarded her with a spa day aka oil change and car wash, and we both felt happy about making it this far, so to speak. I also feel better about having forgotten to celebrate her fourth birthday, because I love celebrating birthdays
  • Speaking of auspicious omens and of celebrating birthdays as often as possible, twice this week a hummingbird whooshed right past my face, which felt like being kissed by the air, if that makes any sense which it might not. But it felt magical and good, and I wanted it to be a good sign. Then I thought about reconnecting with my handyman in New Mexico after some months not connecting, to talk over the neglected projects (my piece of land is not livable or winter-ready), and just as I was trying to feel into what to say, he texted me! He told me it was his birthday and I said I would eat celebratory cake for him, and he told me he tries to eat cake as often as possible because it’s always someone’s birthday and he likes to celebrate birthdays. I said that this is a marvelous joyful life plan and I support it, and then, out of nowhere, he said that it’s joyful like when a hummingbird flies right past your face. So that was extraordinary because I hadn’t told anyone about the hummingbirds, and he told me that this is a very good omen, and a sign to keep up hope.
  • I attempted to try cake in the form of a cupcake, sans gluten, sans dairy, from the new patisserie, but I just don’t really get excited about cupcakes so in the spirit of Do-Overs Forever, I set off in search of The Havi Special which is not technically dessert but is made with honey butter so it feels vaguely dessert-adjacent in the sense that it is beautiful, special, celebratory and sweeter than you’d expect. Anyway, my adventure to visit my one true love (my sometimes eponymous sandwich) also involved seeing someone I like almost as much as I like having a Havi Special, and we went for a walk in the sun, and it was delicious and enticing, as celebratory rituals should be.
  • NEW WORLD RECORD FOR ME. Finished out January with a grand and glorious total of eight thousand and one sun salutations. They basically have to let me in to assassin school now, right? December record was seven thousand, so enormously impressed with myself right now, here’s to Joyful Agility.
  • Morning rituals are working, keeping phone in AIRplane mode (AIR = Access Internal Resonance) is working, giving five minutes a day to something I am excited about is working, and none of this is surprising but I am continually surprised. It feels so good to have some enthusiasm again, I wasn’t sure if it would return to me, but here it is, new and better. A breath of gratitude and wonder in my full thank-you heart.
  • Speaking of my grateful thank-you heart, two different people sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, and I have to say that it eased my heart around the expense and time involved in moving, and also reminded me that I keep forgetting to share the link. It is always welcome and if I can land in a place, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

Checking in with a Resilient Heart

A request for a Resilient Heart

Yesterday before first tête-à-tête aka twelve minutes communing with Incoming Me, I requested a resilient heart.

I often ask a question or name an intention before we sit together, but this formal request situation surprised me.

And usually even if I do have something in the category of a request, my preference is to frame that in the form of asking for clues; a felt sense to guide me, an insight of wild clarity, a next indicated step.

This time I just submitted a request. Wrote it on my notepad:

A Request for a Resilient Heart

The answer that came almost immediately, not from Slightly Wiser Me, but from my heart itself was that I already have one, a Resilient Heart is mine. And I said, ok sure except I don’t perceive the resilience.

The response was that it doesn’t matter because I’m still asking for something I already have and embody even if I don’t experience it that way.

What else am I longing for that I already possess? What requests am I submitting that are already taken care of?!

Weekend Check-in (Chicken!), we made it.

Reviewing the week aka check-in (CHICKEN! It’s fun to say!) is not only a reassuring ritual for me, it is another form of remembering, turning inward, paying attention, attentiveness to self.

We can name what was difficult and we can name what worked, I find naming to be therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? It’s all useful intel.

But also we are here to just take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and admiration and hand-to-heart appreciation.

And if I neglect to name something big in the world this week, could be ADHD, but more likely: my break from news after spiraling hard in December.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO is still the pandemic, the dissonance, the different worlds we seem to be navigating, the lack of consensus reality or even a shared context. Sometimes this fills me with fury and sometimes with despair, and a lot of the time I just can’t cope with it at all, and so I seclude even deeper, for better and for worse.

What else was not my favorite this week?

Related to Thing Zero, I have been trying to mail a letter for about a month, and every time I go to the post office to get a stamp, half the people have masks beneath their nose, including the staff, so I make it just inside and then panic and run away.

I know it’s possible to buy stamps online but I don’t have a mailing address most of the time, and I don’t know where I will be when because of The Ongoing Situation aka The Mysteries Of Place.

Related to the Mysteries of Place, I thought I was hiding out here at the casita until 10 February, but it turns out I exit Monday. Do I have a plan? I do not. Do I have any indication of where next? Can’t wait to find out.

Related to The Mystery of What Happens Monday, my internal criticism monsters have a lot to say about how I am unprepared for life in general, and bad at adulthood, and unequipped for life’s inconsistencies and vicissitudes.

Related to the Mysteries of Heart, some painful and uncomfortable realizations about past and present, and I’m still pellet-pushing in hopes of the tiniest crumbs of affection and sweetness.

Other than that, just tired. This full moon is a doozy. Anyone else feeling it?

If I were going to sum up my mood with music, I am somewhere in between Love Is A Bitch by Two Feet, and Unsaid with Norah Jones, with a splash of Straight Up by Paula Abdul.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • I have to say that I am feeling remarkably calm and grounded about the many great unknowns, including What Happens Monday and the surprising reappearance of love story from then. Is this related to phone off and an amount of yoga that could be described as alarming? WHO CAN SAY. But yeah, probably, that could be it.
  • Gently and firmly reminding the internal self criticism monster chorus that literally no one could have predicted the way this last year unfolded in general never mind for me specifically. This is uncharted territory. And I’m an agile bobcat, I land on my feet, I can move through this with steady grace, and I plan to.
  • Beautiful striking clues from the cards.
  • Keeping my phone in airplane mode which I call AIR mode (AIR = Access Internal Resonance), and wow, does that ever do wonders for both my focus and my emotional well being. The other day I didn’t even open it until evening, who am I and what is happening?
  • Clues have been showing up when I need them.
  • My meditations have been about loving myself so deeply that there’s nothing else, gain strength through detaching from outcome. A lot of tears, but a lot of good tears.
  • My heart is guarded, but my heart is also resilient.
  • Made pistachio fudge, and it was life-ruiningly good, all previous desserts are rebuked, canceled, and banished, because this is the holy truth of life itself.
  • Wrote ten thousand words on the essay I started back in May that was the most stuck. Not sure what I want to do with all these words or if this is the right venue for them, but they exist and the creative process was fulfilling, and how often can you say that? Maybe a lot, but I haven’t in quite a long time. Felt so good to be in intimate flow with myself again. A breath of for this grace.
  • Hot Girl Tu B’shvat! Yesterday was Tu B’shvat, the birthday of the trees; you eat fruit and nuts, and feel joyful and appreciative about trees. As holidays go, it’s a good one.
  • Morning rituals are working, in news that is shocking to no one, but I remain astonished. A breath of wonder.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

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