What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

The Month of Sweetness

August - month of Sweetness

Sweet

Everything is practice and today my practice is review, but the celebratory kind devoid of judgment, a review that is really a revue, with fabulous choreography and spangly dresses.

A Month of Sweetness, let us recall, what was sweet in August, where is the sweetness to be found, what glowed sweetly? And: what worked, both in terms of this grand experiment in sweetening, and in general?

And what might I do differently next time, calling on my favorite superpower of Do-Overs Forever? If I want to bring even more sweetness into my life, where do we go from here…

What was sweet in August?

+ unexpected tears of joy in new beloved yoga spaces (time-and-space of heart and breath, in community) in Moab and Durnango and Baker City, places I did not expect to be, both literally and metaphorically

+ a renewed commitment to Vixen Mode, aka embodying Incoming Me the Glamorous Assassin who is fierce & fearless, powerful & striking, of the earth & wild, glowing & alive, fully committed to living life louder

+ healing, which is a big word and an ongoing process, and what I am here (also: here) to do, and which does not always get my full attention

+ hot sweet texts / long-distance love

+ selfies galore because it was Leo season and I am trying hard to learn how to be wildly unabashedly in love with myself at Leo levels of everything

+ very red toenails (Hey Sailor and Catwalk as the reddest of reds and the best color names)

+ sleeping in an earthship and laughing under the stars

+ embodying vixen mode so powerfully and glowing so hard that three ex-lovers suddenly resurfaced in my life all at once, from many many miles (and years) away like HEY GIRL MANY INTENSE DECLARATIONS OF LOVE, and I am at this point of sweetness and certainty with myself in life where I can easily say hahahahaha nope, instead of collapsing into the endless wondering about the many ifs and maybes of past/future/timing, and that itself, that clear knowing of NO I DESERVE WAY THE FUCK BETTER THAN THIS is really its own delicious form of sweetness, yes the sweetness of goodbye to old stories

+ the WILD MIRACLE of yes the air quality in Portland was a disaster all month but on the day of my return from New Mexico, it magically returned to healthy levels of breathability in time for my arrival, let us call this the superpower of I bring my breath with me

+ the words MOBILIZE & MEANING served me well

+ holy goddess the peach slices, the berries plucked from the vine, delight

+ I was the life of the party (at an actual party, I know, WHAT) instead of introvert-hiding in the bedroom which I only did a little, and also won a pair of boots in a raffle, so hey, maybe not-hiding is a thing I will do the tiniest bit more because I like boots

What else worked?

Compasses of Doing!

This is when I remember to not get overwhelmed by my list of things, and instead just choose EIGHT ITEMS to place in a compass, and let them be fractal flowers for the qualities I want in my life, secretly working under the surface to support all the other secret ops and missions. Here is an example….

North = Mission ready = make sure garments for a Bond girl are clean and folded aka laundry
Northeast = Release = sort recycling, empty out
East = Freshness, clean and refill all water bottles and food containers
Southeast = Tough Cookie, resew button on pants, repack
South = Plenty, refill Dopp kit
Southwest = Freedom, get ready for a week of yoga-ing
West = Sweetness, what can be most sweet today, how do I set up today so that tonight-me and tomorrow-morning me feel loved and appreciated
Northwest = WILD CARD aka always leave room to be surprised by whatever asks for my love and attention today

What do I want to remember and take with me from the month of Sweetness?

I discovered where I want to live and not-live, how I want to live and not-live.

I set better boundaries and pre-emptively yelled at strangers, and yes, the phrase “can I fucking help you or are you staring like that because you’re an actual serial killer” came in handy in a gas station in western New Mexico.

Taking care of myself is sweet. Not needing anyone is sweet. Knowing that my friends are better at loving me and reminding me to love myself than anyone I have ever been in Relationship with, and letting these friendships be the most important thing in my life, this was extremely sweet, and also new.

Movement and breath, and time for both of these when I can, and patience with myself when I can’t, these are forms of sweetness.

So many things did not go as I wished/hoped/planned this month, and meeting my frustration with Acknowledgment & Legitimacy was a form of Sweetness too.

What else about this month?

I wanted to write here, every day, and share things with you. I wish very much for a way to figure that out, I can’t really do any more unpaid jobs but there is so much I want to put here.

Placing this in a labyrinth-compass with love, maybe something will spark and shift.

This coming/incoming/entering month (September) is the month of Contentment, and I am curious to see how these sweet learnings of sweetness (and also the attendant frustrations of-and-with sweetness) move and change in Contentment.

Passage

I will be on the road a lot this month again, and not psyched about that.

Maybe I can bring some sweetness with me into trusting that the not-knowing where or when I will be or for how-long is also okay, and that this can co-exist with Contentment even if I don’t know how yet.

What if I can be sweet with not-knowing? What if there is something sweet about not needing to know?

Do you want to wish some wishes with me?

You are invited to be here with me, in whatever form you like.

You can list/name any noticings from the month of Sweetness, or call in any desired superpowers, or share anything sparked for you from what I placed here. Love and [!!!] always welcome.

As always, we are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. Each of us is in our own process, and process is unique. Sparks of sweetness for everyone in this orbit, doing the work of self-fluency or letting it brew under the surface which also counts, it all counts, xoxo

The Month of Anticipation

July - month of Anticipation

In which, etc

You may or may not be wondering what happened to me and the month of July, or what happened to me in the month of July.

And the answer, or one of them, is that July was an exhausting disorienting trash dumpster fire of everything, ten thousand train wrecks and an acid bath, and it is a total fucking miracle that I got through it in one piece.

But maybe it was kind of like this or even a lot like this for you too.

So let’s call upon the superpowers of Self-Directed Amnesty Always & In All Circumstances, All Timing Right Timing, The Magic Of Anticipation Remains, and What If All Is Well Even When It Really Feels Like It Isn’t.

Sharing

I learned a lot in July, about Anticipation, and about other things.

I want to share with you, and also I am still in bewildered recovery mode, so instead of writing about these themes and discoveries (uncoveries? why is this not a word?!), I am just going to name them.

You are wise and capable, you will receive what is needed from these clues, and if they don’t resonate, then they are just someone else’s clue or a clue for later.

I love you and trust your heart, is what I’m trying to say.

And maybe that’s what I got from the wild ride of July. I trust my heart to well up with love, I trust my own heart-companionship now, my ability to stand for and with myself through the hard slog of [things that are really fucking hard].

Let’s name some of the clues and wonders and wisdom of July…

WISDOM & WONDER, let’s do this.

  • What if it’s not a crisis, it’s a chrysalis
  • Yes this identity-shaking discovery is painful and miserable right now, that just means this new identity is superhero with a really good origin story, good job, me, we found our origin story!
  • “All superheroes disappear at some point in their arc. It’s on brand.” — my friend Kathryn when I was panicking that everyone would hate me for disappearing
  • Trust The Landing
  • Befriend the shadow, instead of being in resistance about all this anger and rage, not wanting to be motivated by it or affected by it, how about embrace that aspect of identity, whatever mobilizes is what mobilizes, what happens when I run with it for now? RAGE IS ENERGY AND ENERGY COUNTS, so use it on your list/goals…
  • I am allowed to be infuriated by “small things”
  • Similarly, delight in small things is still real delight, I take joy when and where I can, good for me
  • Speaking of “small” things, not in fact small because they are reminding me of massive earth-shaking painful things, if I am the star protagonist of HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN LEFT ON READ FOR FORTY HOURS, what goes into the slow motion montage as we root for our heroine to get tough, get even, get over it
  • Small steps are potent, and I only need to be able to see one step ahead
  • Take pleasure in life, take pleasure where you can, take pleasure in taking pleasure itself, take pleasure in patience, take pleasure in knowing something needs to change. Breathe it in.
  • Yet again, five out of five internal scientists were right about going to a yoga class, it did make help to breathe and listen to body, to do what I could and not more
  • “Can we notice the breath without taxing it with any other purpose for now, and just conjure up some gratitude for being able to notice?”
  • Silly reality! But also, it’s where we live right now.
  • Dose up on joy! If something helps, do it five times in a row!
  • Writing intentionally terrible poetry in companionship might be the best therapy I know. ROSES ARE RED VIOLETS ARE BLUE WE ARE THE BAD POETRY SOCIETY WHO THE HELL ARE YOU
  • The practice of not-freezing.
  • Anything can be returned, recycled or let go of. Anything! history, energy, stories, oxygen. Sometimes some people are like avocados, so delicious in the right moment and then bam, they turn, fine, it happened, into the compost heap with that nonsense.
  • Life in a kleptocracy swiftly declining into unchecked fascism is EXHAUSTING IN AND OF ITSELF, so “why is it so hard to get out of bed” can be retired!

The part about love

You are welcome to share any !!! or excitement or resonance with any of this, or anything you learned in July, or superpowers you’re calling on right now.

I am glowing love for July, for the magic of anticipating, for everything I learned and am still learning, and for this new month of new adventures.

Currently in Idaho en route to New Mexico. Thinking loving thoughts for us and for this ongoing process of self-fluency, self-discovery, turning inward with curiosity and as much kindness and humor as we can muster. Stay with us, friends. Come be in my Bad Poets Society! I love you and love that you are here.

`

What does Fearless look like?

What does Fearless look like?

This has been my morning stone skipping (journaling) question for the past couple weeks:

What does Fearless look like?

Sometimes I like to draw a card too or go on a clue walk having just primed my vision with the question, but mainly I just ask and listen. I take dictation.

Sometimes I direct the question towards Slightly Wiser Me, or my current Incoming self who embodies the qualities of Fierce, Fearless & Formidable. Sometimes I ask the question of my project and channel its wise knowing. And sometimes I just ask.

Want to play? From my morning notebook this week…

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless looks like CLARITY IN A DIRECTION.

Fearless looks like clear things out and then clear them out some more, aka Further Reductions to Gain In Powers.

Fearless looks like the superpower of Glorious Perspicacity, seeded, everywhere. Stand back and watch it flourish.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless looks like not caring at all if he responds to my text or if the cat doesn’t want to be besties.

Fearless looks like SHORT SHORTS because I want to.

Fearless looks like [sure, everything I own is in my car but my car doesn’t look full], this is blowing my mind.

Fearless is when I make time for my projects, the ones I care about most, and not just the ones that keep showing up in front of me.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless looks like I train hard like I mean it, and I train soft too, all the time, invisible stealth training, I am secretly training in and for everything.

Fearless means I am not afraid to ask for help. Allies help me in fearlessness.

Fearless means I have limitless power because I can draw energy from the earth, just like in dance.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless looks like yes, hello, there you are my fears, I acknowledge your existence and yet you are not bigger than me, you are a temporary part of the experience of this moment, you contain vital intel about the programming I am in the process of undoing. I make room for you, fears, but I am not impressed by you or by the fact that you are still here.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless means there are no boundary issues right now because my boundaries just are. They hold themselves.

Fearless means I stand in Prowess, ready to mobilize.

Fearless means I know I am the queen in my world. I am Olivia Pope levels of queenliness.

Fearless looks like pointing my wand towards the earth.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless comes from knowing who I am.

Fearless means I know I don’t need the distractions I crave. Whoosh, goodbye.

Fearless means sure, why not, start over, I can do that.

Fearless means everything that came before is useful but does not define me.

Fearless means BE HERE NOW.

Fearless means the ability to celebrate each undoing, welcome each ending.

Fearless means remembering that I can ask this question every day until my fearlessness is innate, along with my ability to love myself in every fearful moment, and there is no contradiction here.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless means yes to my yeses, and a clear resounding no to everything else.

(postscript)

I ask the question not because I think I have the answer but because [Fearless] feels so removed and inaccessible that I want to surprise myself with what I do know, and follow the trails of sparks…

Invitation to play with me

You are welcome as always to share !!!! in the comments or anything sparked for you, or process what needs processing, or skip this stone with me.

What does Fearless look like right now for you? Or sound like, feel like, smell like? Or any other form of this question. Can we let the answers surprise us? Can we breathe deep and access a quieter self who knows new answers?

Or maybe a different quality is calling to you right now, and so it becomes a new question for you. What does Clarity look like? What does Possibility look like? Make it your own.

We remember that People Vary, we meet ourselves and each other with kindness, we don’t give advice. This is space for process, and process is unique, and more importantly, internal. We can always use a proxy or cover story if we need one.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

What do we know about Desire?

horizon

Calling do-overs on the month of Desire

It turns out Desire is intense and a little scary, because it is about making room to want, to allow myself to be someone who wants.

And this is a lot. I went and hid out in the woods for a few weeks with a very opinionated cat and many deer. I learned about spaciousness and about loneliness, I learned about craving, I learned about comfort.

Crossing through.

Now it is suddenly July and I am still making peace with Desire, and with the various desires of June, exploring what it means to let them exist. What happens when I let myself hear them, see them, feel them in my bones?

So let’s keep going with this. Let’s meet Desire and keep meeting her, let’s meet these missions with curiosity, patience, appreciation and fascination, letting these qualities infuse the passage from June into July, in the spirit of All Timing Right Timing.

June is DESIRE and July is ANTICIPATION, and these are clearly related. Noticing my apprehension and wondering what it would take to let it reconfigure into anticipation.

Deciding that this process of exploring my relationship with desire (in all forms) can be the just-right portal to whatever is next. What if Desire is not so much a quality but a superpower?

Entry for the entering

Taking a minute — or maybe even more than a minute (?!) for
{pause + breathe}
{pause + notice}
{pause + feel what is here}
because how can I know what I want or need
when I have forgotten where I am…

Join me if you like, and yes, reading counts as joining.

Hello to my forgotten heart

Sixteen breaths of hello heart aka how is your heart, friend
hi, forgotten heart-space and all the forgotten places of wanting!

(I forget but then I remember)

Thank you to Lisa Mae for this piece of perfection in question-form, which returns me to the heart of it all (jinx!)

I can feel the immediacy and the elegance in how it slices through everything, the bullshit small talk, the half-lies I tell myself.

This question is a door and a returning, a clear and loving expression of [let’s get back to what is real-and-now], an invitation I will always answer.

How is your heart, friend?

A month (or more) for exploring Desire

This yearning to turn inward and re-remember, to feel again and new, this is also my hello to each new month that is incoming.

And of course it is also a greeting to all the Incomings aka the versions of self on their way in, the qualities they embody, everything we are inviting, right now, everything we are calling in, with love.

Focus

My focus right now is Powerful Foundation, and this is funny because focus itself is also a form of power and foundation.

And: this is how we mobilize, act, stand, fight if needed.

My mission is to learn more about incoming me who is currently taking the form of a glamorous gorgeous assassin. I want — no, I FIERCELY DESIRE — her wildly intimidating qualities and superpowers, including:

stealth! tactical! fierce! balanced! sexy!
unapologetic about the above as well as everything else!
every single movement or non-movement is efficient, powerful and graceful!
amazing boundaries that border on magic!
can cut through bullshit with a glance!
wants what she wants!
trusts her instincts!

Some clues / Some noticing

These are clues for me and maybe some will also be clues for you:

  • CLUE: the thing that was the solution is not the solution anymore (?!)
  • CLUE, related to above: this is not a bad thing, it is just new
  • CLUE: adornment has meaning
  • CLUE: just add intention
  • CLUE: begin from a powerful foundation
  • CLUE + massive insight: It isn’t yes vs no, it’s yes vs clue, and because everything is a clue about a yes, I keep things in my life that are Less Than Yes so that I don’t forget my actual yeses, but then these clues just CLUTTER MY DESIRE FIELD, does that make sense?
  • CLUE: home is a stronghold, what else is a stronghold
  • CLUE: “no need to push here, your body will be ready when it’s ready” (apparently I needed to be around someone who said this nineteen times in an hour and a half)
  • CLUE: A Critical Mass of Wild Extravagance
  • CLUE: Sometimes wanting is scary, sometimes just admitting that I want is scary, sometimes I am scared of how much I want to be wanted, and it is all okay, desire is a powerful narcotic and also a powerful healing, and it gets twisted by culture, and it makes sense that we can feel conflicted about all aspects of it, points to us for paying attention to everything that comes up and recognizing that these reactions are understandable!
  • CLUE: A round hobbit house door is very unexpected
  • CLUE: do it like an assassin: the assassin doesn’t sweat the small stuff, the assassin executes the small stuff (I am murdering my to-do list, and it is hilarious)
  • CLUE: X begins where Y Stops
  • CLUE: Sometimes the fastest way to activate a superpower is saying “ACTIVATE!”

My missions for the month of Desire and beyond

Operation Stay Curious
How can I welcome my desires with warmth, while getting clear and grounded so that I can easily and efficiently differentiate between wishes and clues?

I am ready to be the queen of discerning what is a reverberating heart-space FUCK YEAH 120% TRUE YES versus what might be a clue about or towards a possible future yes.

(A hint, for me and maybe also for you: turns out most things are clues!)

And so we invite in the superpower of I Can Appreciate A Good Clue And Still Wait For My Yes.

This secret op is dedicated with great love to the memory of Anthony Bourdain and the superpower of receptivity to all good surprises

The Whirling Missions
Feeling a fit of Congruencing coming on (when we make internal changes, our external space feels dissonant, every step towards making things more harmonious is a big deal), but what if this doesn’t need to take place through having a a fit? What if it can just be a good fit instead?

I am calling this a whirling for now, like a dervish, let this be a good fit through a whirling of spirals and circles, a healing through roundness.

These missions are also about receiving orders (from deep inside, the Glamorous Assassin), and then executing these orders, like an assassin, with lightness and efficiency, what happens when I approach my day in stealth bad-ass mode, glowing and intentional…

Powerful Foundation
This is about feet, this is about strongholds, this is about press down to go up, this is about moving from stability into possibility as Melissa says.

This is about channeling the most fearless version of my glamorous assassin self, Janelle Monae meets Emma Peel meets Trinity from the Matrix, unstoppable glorious action, and it all comes from this foundation of a new relationship with feeling powerful in my presence.

And yes, this is about boundaries, and I know this because two days after naming this op, I had about seven hundred boundary-related challenges and we know how this works when you wish for a thing and then immediately get the opposite of it in the form of a challenge.

A story, part i

A while back, my dance teacher’s teenage step-daughter asked her, “Who’s that one student of yours, you know the one, she looks like a sniper…

And of course Jen knew exactly who she meant, and this story delights me because yeah, I look like a sniper, but also because apparently I am terrible at being incognito, to the point that a fifteen year old blew my cover.

A story, part ii

Last week I told my dance teacher about this secret identity that is incoming, how I want to feel my way into this Bond girl assassin self, wildly intimidating and mysterious, who even knows whose side she’s on, she’s so powerful and compelling that it doesn’t matter.

In fact, she’s so powerful and compelling that she stops making sense in most settings. You are not surprised to see her at the gala at the embassy, even though she doesn’t have an invitation. But at the supermarket she is out of place.

I said I want to embody her essence so completely that it seems completely bonkers when I am seen in a supermarket, sure maybe I’m inconspicuous when I need to be, but also devastatingly dangerous and suspiciously glowy.

Jen was like OH HELL YEAH WE ARE DOING THIS, and proceeded to give me a bunch of homework in the form of assassin-related dance drills on things like using the secret diamond in the heel of my shoe to cut a perfect circle in glass, and how to hold my body while carrying a champagne flute on my way to elegantly murder someone deserving of my wrath.

We called that one flutes and glutes, because I am the funniest, and this might become a future workshop, just saying…

A story, part iii

The next day around lunch time I was at the supermarket, and a checker guy IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT AISLE yelled over to me, “hey what’s going on this isn’t your usual time to be here!”

I actually haven’t been there in months but yes, I used to go in the mornings when I was cat-sitting in the neighborhood, and he remembered. So. There it is.

Complimentary

Someone I love is truly the world expert at delivering compliments, his compliments are so completely themselves that even if your monsters think they are ludicrous and over-the-top, it doesn’t matter because his words are so pure in their love that they cannot ring anything but truth.

What he says is truth, both for him when he says it, and just in general.

Like it or not, you are compelled to believe every spectacular thing he says about you because of course he is right, and then you walk around all day like YES, I AM REALLY GOOD AT EXISTING AND I DO HAVE AMAZING HAIR, and it is seriously the best feeling in the entire world.

His marvelous compliments are somehow always delivered at the exact right moment in the exact right tone, built-in effervescence, and they make me want to fill the world with even more wildly extravagant but completely true observations about everyone I love.

Here’s a text from him that made me smile for a week:

“Havi, listen. You are perfect. You are sexy. You are ruthless. You have excellent grammar. You are a glorious, striking, green eyed marvel. I will see you at breakfast.”

I now feel this much enthusiasm about everything that is a yes.

Also about you, person who reads and hangs out here:

I cherish you. You have palpable sparkle, that’s why we twinkle at each other so well.

I am thrilled that you exist and that the internet is bringing us into each other’s orbits.

Also, your hair is amazing, and I don’t even have to see it to know this, because I can just feel the truth of this.

What is the beautiful truth in Wild Enthusiasm?

I think this wild enthusiasm is how I am learning to differentiate between a desire and a clue.

The more I tell the truth about what is beautiful, wonder-inducing and a joy to be around, the more I know what (and whom) to treasure in my world. To treasure and to keep.

And the more I acknowledge what glows, the clearer I am on what does and doesn’t need to be in my life right now.

I have become someone who appreciates enthusiastically, and this is also helping me get through this dark and terrible timeline of awful heartbreaking news. My heart still hurts, all the time, the news is devastating, and also I am finding more joy in small beautiful moments.

The joy is sustaining me, and it is becoming part of the Powerful Foundation that will help me mobilize. And this is secretly what I desire (Month of Desire) more than anything. To be in my power, do what’s right, and not lose myself in the pain.

What does Fearless look like?

This is the next step in the mission of Welcoming Desire.

I don’t know the answer to this yet but I have been dialoging with Me Who Is Afraid and Me Who Is Fearless, and it turns out that both of them are very wise, loving and funny. I like them both.

Me Who Is Fearless has some killer intel though, and she is helping me get closer to my desires as well as knocking things off my to-do list because nothing intimidates her, and it is amazing.

And when I find myself in a perception of stuck/lost, which is a natural and normal part of any secret mission, I let these parts of me talk it out, until perspective returns.

Come in, superpower of Perspective Returns! That might be one of the most important pieces in this mission of exploring Desire.

Some current secret and not-so-secret desires

Some of these are encoded which is a form of the practice of Safety First as well as the practice of Make It Play, both of these can be very useful (and stealthy!) approaches to desire

+ Gain In Strength (for things like Standhand and Playup!)
+ More power, less effort aka relax into strength
+ I Am Of The Ground But Live In The Air And This Delights Me
+ Love more / Trust more / Wish more / Pause more
+ The Right Dress For The Gala (this is a proxy, but…)
+ The Right Tool For The Job
+ The Right Job Given The Tools
+ Villianness!
+ Stealth Ship Design
+ My backup plans have backup plans but also I don’t care about plans

Questions, asked with love.

What is this month called Desire
and what does it mean to be okay with wanting
and what else do I know about fearlessness?

Let’s seed these for now, and let intel percolate, as we do.

Let’s trust in the process of asking and desiring, trust that this is all helping us prepare to mobilize.

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome as always to share !!!! in the comments or anything sparked for you, or process what needs processing, maybe through skipping stones.

We remember that People Vary, we meet ourselves and each other with kindness, we don’t give advice. This is space for process, and process is unique, and more importantly, internal. We can always use a proxy or cover story if we need one.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

Readying to mobilize (a journal entry)

Entry

This is a post about Mobilizing, a word that is charged up for me right now. This includes the internal process of readying ourselves, to the extent that we can, for whatever is needed.

What is needed?

Oh, speaking truth, taking the steps as they are indicated, unhesitatingly standing up for what is right in these troubled times. Not to mention taking care of ourselves so we can do this work.

This is from my journal

In other words: a window into one possible form for process and internal exploration. I received all kinds of good and unanticipated intel from this, and hope you will too.

may it be received as it was written, with love

From my journal…

I am in a remote location at a safe house.

There are a dozen deer outside the window, peering in, seems like a good omen.

The word reverberating through my space is Stronghold.

The place where you regroup, the place where you go to regroup.

This itself, the place and the act of going there, is a form of recovery.

And yes, the location might be internal.

Recovery

Recovery is a word that goes deep and has at least two meanings:

+ healing
+ finding once again something you thought was lost

It wasn’t lost for good, it is returned, recovered.

New in this moment and also rich in the sweetness of what is familiar.

This time-and-space of Stronghold, for me, is an exercise in reconvening and reconfiguring, chrysalis time.

I am recovering because this is how I prepare, and what I am preparing to do is MOBILIZE.

And I am here to learn more about what this all means, both the preparing and the mobilizing. We need to recover the missing ones, we need to recover ourselves.

How can my new understanding of stronghold facilitate new forms of mobility?

Mobilize to rise

These are hard and scary times out in the world: our powers are needed, our recovery is needed, our strength and courage and stance are needed, let us figure out what needs to happen so that we can mobilize and act.

Let us prepare (a form of conscious entry) so we can be more present and engaged in both internal space and out in the world.

This is the op. Operation Further Reductions x Gain In Powers.

What does this mean to me? Let’s find out.

What does Reductions mean to me?

The magic of Less

Intentional + Strategic + Tactical + Efficient

A sauce: all flavors are intensified by the process of reducing down to essence

And it is about Know Your Inventory, aka if I know what I have and if I only have things I cherish, then I have a personal relationship with all my belongings, and they aren’t “belongings” anymore…

And it is about Clear The Path To Clear The Path, removing distractions in all forms so that I can see what is, and feel the action that is coming.

What is Know Your Inventory?

Of course it is about Intentionality and Luscious Minimalism and True Yes, sure, all those things, and also in some strange sense that I can’t quite put into words yet, this is about remembering that my belongings and I are a family or a gathering, a team, colleagues in magic-making.

The objects I choose to have around me are in relationship with me. We are each other’s familiars, we are wand and kettle, broom and cat.

Or, here is another image as it flashes across my mind: the familiar path through the forest behind my uncle’s house where he walks (slowly, and backwards) each morning and each evening, and how he knows every tree.

Maybe my belongings can be like tree friends.

And maybe they are not belongings at all and really we belong to each other, or at least right now we do. What is special and right and true, what belongs in my circle of tree friends? What do I cherish?

What is welcome in this imagined domain of forest space?

Mmmm. Forest bathing is also a form of recovery, and now I am thinking about that luscious and completely involuntary long exhale that announces itself when I find myself walking among the trees, and then we twinkle at each other in acknowledgment:

I see you, tree-friend. I see you, fellow being, fellow channel of love-source.

Yes! This is the feeling I mean! What it would feel like to perceive and treat everything I “own” as talisman, tool, ally, comrade, friend.

What would it feel like to be more aware of my allies in mobilizing, whether people-friends (hi) or tree-friends?

What relationships and connections need to be cleared out or asked to grow?

Powers

Oh! Can I feel the powers that come when I remember that, just like trees, we have the ability to tap into a shared powerful underground network of roots and resources.

Taproot powers.

Drawing power from the earth and returning power to the earth.

What are the Powers that come from (Further) Reducing?

So many, but off the top of my head:

+Clarity +Discernment +Grace +Vision +Grounded Knowing +Loving What Is Mine

+Perspective +Possibility +Powers Multiplied +Integrity +Freedom +Movement +Flow

+Prowess +Gravitas +Adventure +Fierceness +Shoring Up Boundaries and Foundation

What does Further mean (or what might it mean)

Further is more, raise the intensity with steadiness, or gather in and keep things on low flame, also with steadiness, as a way to pace yourself because the experience is intense enough as it is.

Sometimes we meet intensity with intensity, sometimes we meet intensity with the loving acknowledgment that this is all a lot and we need to go take a nap. There is room for both of these in {Further}.

One is not right. One is sometimes right for certain circumstances and the other is right for other circumstances, and figuring out when we yin and when we yang, well, this is part of the experiment of being alive.

What else about Further?

Further beckons.

Further says please continue.

Further says every step counts and every rest counts.

Further says know yourself and how you best travel.

What do I know about Further Reductions

Further Reductions is about immersing so much deeper in the practice of True Yes: both getting clear on what is currently yes, and removing everything not supportive of yes.

Further Reductions is honing my ability to discern what is a yes versus what is a clue towards a yes.

I can appreciate clues and follow them, but I also don’t need to keep clues — OR PEOPLE — in my life as placeholders for yeses.

Instead I can make room for incoming yeses through acknowledging the clues and then moving them out of my space as needed.

What do I know about Gaining? What is Gaining?

The addition that comes after the subtraction.

Strengthening. Nourishing. Imbibing. A Coming Together. The result of training powerfully and intentionally.

Receiving and meeting what is next on the path.

What do I know about Gaining Powers?

When I gain power, it isn’t necessarily that I have new powers (though sometimes I do), it’s more that I trust myself and my instincts in ways I could not before.

I am more grounded, more stable, I feel the ground. It is the opposite of what happens when I disassociate and disappear.

There is such a thing as Grounded Floating, this is one of the new powers I am in the process of gaining as I reduce-reduce-reduce what is in my headspace.

Part of what I am gaining is an enhanced ability to feel, sense and notice my relationship with the ground.

I am learning to feel at home with my own fierce power, my witchy knowing, my tender heart.

What kinds of things am I thinking about Reducing?

Reduction can take many forms. For me, right now, thinking about reducing in terms of:

+ Pare Down (do I need this and love this, do I know where it lives and how to find it?)
+ Delete (phone numbers of ghosts, texts from then, photos etc taking up emotional or energy bandwidth)
+ Shred (piles of papers from then, some projects are more like wishes or clues, what is their new home)
+ Remove Distractions
+ Goodbye to people who are not welcome in my life or in my heart or in my head

What is my purpose in Reducing?

+ Clear Headspace*
+ Clear Visual Space
+ Know My Inventory

* yes I want to check social media to know when and where the riots are, and what urgent situations require our attention to mobilize and act, and I can’t function when this devastating input is constant throughout the day, reducing input includes making designated time-space to ready myself to receive the input

What do I want from Reducing / what will assist me in Reducing?

+ Time that is blank (shavasana, meditation, bath)
+ A view that does me good (forest, water, horizon)

The Reduction Incantations, again

(I wrote this back in April when this secret op was still brewing for me in idea form, and rereading it now reminded me that April me was so very wise and I love her forever.)

REDUCTION in releasing: let go of ballast to soar
REDUCTION like a sauce: you have less but you get more (taste! intensity! delight!)
REDUCTION of down to basics
REDUCTION as INDUCTION
REDUCTION for RE-GROUNDING
REDUCTION is release to receive
REDUCTION through exhaling to let it all clear out
REDUCTION like reduce distractions aka Clear The Path To Clear The Path
REDUCTION like a fire sale or a moving sale
REDUCTION is Luscious Minimalism, Less to Yes, Pleasure In Freedom

let’s welcome in the new and better, now there’s space for it

What else is important here?

This op holds so much but especially letting go of what is old and not-yes, while becoming — and feeling, perceiving that I already am — exponentially more powerful, more formidable, balanced, grounded, more at home in my body, myself and the world, ready to stand strong for what I believe in.

I am here to enter into chrysalis with Incoming Me who embodies FEROCITY and STEALTH PANTHER GRACE, who is wild, self-sufficient, finds pleasure in challenge, knows when and how to rest.

Further Reductions means know what I have, know what I need, feel what I desire, and easily differentiate between a fuck-yes vs a clue towards a future yes.

Gain In Powers means learning to feel at home with my strength, get ten times more formidable, powerfully grounded and embodied to march out into the world with a solid force field and stand up for what is right.

Why am I here?

I am here to make space for the new, get clear, release stale energy, and practice What We Do Not Feed Will Not Grow.

I am here to learn about what I cherish, to act on that, and I am here to cherish myself while I learn.

Come, courageous heart. We are here.

Full trust.

I have full trust that whatever brought you here is good, worthy and important, the meanings, discoveries and adventures in your own secret ops don’t necessarily have to overlap with mine.

Everything we investigate will be for the benefit of all, I feel this and know it in my heart.

Other big words, powers and clues I am calling in through Further Reductions

ALCHEMICAL
EMBRYONIC
DESIRE
STAY CURIOUS / STAY FORMIDABLE
ELIMINATE TO ILLUMINATE and ILLUMINATE TO ELIMINATE
GO FORTH AND WRITE FROM YOUR POWER

A chorus of angels

There is also something here about recognizing that trying and attempting are infinitely more valuable than I give them credit for.

I want to meet each perceived failure or moment of stuck by conjuring a glorious cascading of sparklepoints and imaginary glitter confetti because yes, paralysis is an understandable response to terror and also good for us for trying things at all.

A chorus of angels shouting encouragement every time I try whatever it is I’m trying:

“FUCK YEAH GOOD EFFORT GOOD HEART WE FUCKING LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE PERFECTION EMBODIED RIGHT NOW YOU BEAUTIFUL FUCKING SOUL IN A GLORIOUS HUMAN SHAPE WHO TRIES THINGS!!! HAVI BELL BROOKS, YOU ARE ABLAZE WITH LIFE! LOOK AT YOUR WILD HEART, TRYING THINGS AND LEARNING FROM TRYING!!”

Solstice.

It is solstice and we are ready to MOBILIZE. 

We will prepare a reduction.

We will taste tastes and smell smells.

We will move our bodies in a way that helps us feel the ground.

We will come up with a plan for when and where we show up, and stand for the things that need standing for.

(I think or at least hope we all know what needs standing for, but here is an excellent example of praxis and demonstration: the Fifty Licks ice cream truck showed up at the protest of ICE offices in Portland to give away ice cream to protestors, and just so happened to park directly at the exit blocking any ICE employees from being able to drive home. This to me is inspiration in this rough week.)

Brave things are being asked of us, friends.

Brave things are being asked of us. Courage and integrity and a devotion to what is right, this and more is and will be asked of us, and this is true in the United States where I currently am and which is in a frightening state of criss, and it is true everywhere.

I am taking this transition time of solstice and the next month of chrysalis time to ask what needs to be (further) reduced, in all aspects of our lives.

What needs to be reduced and what powers need be gained, what is to be eliminated in order to illuminate?

What do I make space for? What am I clearing out that will help me act with clarity?

This is about integrity, congruence, harmony, presence, grace, aka the good stuff of life that is not necessarily easy.

What will support us in mobilizing while staying grounded, clear, discerning and devoted to life?

I will take this question and all these big feelings to my notebook, to my tree friends, to the labyrinth, to the protests, into sun salutations at sunrise, into scribbling before bed, into calling on all the allies in the world to help comfort and rescue/recover the missing and imprisoned children and refugees we can’t and won’t stop thinking about.

Let us prepare a reduction, breathe our way into steadiness and next steps, trust our powers (the ones we have, the ones we are gaining in as we name them), and act.

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome as always to share !!!! in the comments or anything sparked for you, or process what needs processing, maybe through skipping stones for solstice.

We remember that People Vary, we meet ourselves and each other with kindness, we don’t give advice. This is space for process, and process is unique, and more importantly, internal. We can always use a proxy or cover story if we need one.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me. There will be a June (Month of Desire!) post coming soon as well. Come hang out with me here when you can because it helps me write when I remember that people are reading!