What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

Wield What You Have (formidable times, formidable measures, fragments from the diary of a dreamer)

September - month of Contentment

A content warning of sorts

Hey friend, if you are here to read my words today, I should probably warn you that in this moment (and by “moment”, I mean the past six weeks at least), I am a fire-breathing dragon and my wingspan is enormous…

And I have absolutely no idea what words might spill from me today, what form my fury might take, what I might bring up or knock over…

If [trauma-related], I will do what I can to tread lightly because of Safety First, I know we are all hurting now, but again, I have no idea what I will say, and am liable to say anything to anyone, and it is possible that I am also too angry to edit…

Certainly I have not even been able to sit to write until today, and now I am here (but as a dragon!)

Welcoming a dragon

Dragon-me is welcome because that is the me who is here, the embodiment of Fierce Fury and this Startling Incandescent Rage that is striking in all meanings of that word.

Welcoming, and a dragon

It’s not a bug, it’s a feature (and also it’s a dragon!)

Not a weakness, but a source of new strength, not a flaw, hell no, it’s a superpower…

What does it mean to call in/on the superpowers of Seeing The Superpowers? What do I see when I decide to experience every uncomfortable disruptive emotion as a superpower? What is the superpower of hell yes today I am a dragon, and I have been a dragon for weeks now, and it is hard for me to write words because I am a dragon?

Wield What You Fucking Have

Wield What You Fucking Have

Haha, the raging fire in me sparks in recognition of the raging fire in you, welcome to the yoga of breathing fire and destruction, beloved dragon friends!

LET’S FUCK SHIT UP WITH ALL THIS ANGER, let us use this as as Fuel and as Catalyst and Forms Can Change, It Is Time, let’s do this.

What if all I have is my NO and my fury

Good.

After all, so often it is exactly that moment of arriving at the FUCK NO ABSOLUTELY NOT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES THIS IS NOT OKAY which fuels the quest for a better yes, and what are we doing here if not devoting ourselves to the pursuit of more-and-better yes?

New

This anger is so familiar and yet it is new, how is it new?

Well, the emotion is not new, just the VASTNESS and also Just How Little I Care About Filtering It For Other People’s Perceived Need To Be Comfortable Around Me, this is new…

Here and not

I am rage-crying from fury and helplessness, from distress and pain, from something beyond fury, a murderous spear-throwing vengeful storm of being.

I am here, in the car, the yoga studio, the cafe, I am here in these places but I am also everywhere I have ever been…

(That is to say, the first time a stranger put their hand on my ass in a bookstore, or brushed up against me for way too long in a shop, or pinned me into the shelves at the grocery store, or touched my body on the street, and all the times after the first times, and all the times it wasn’t a stranger but someone I trusted, that too.)

Kavanaugh

Like many women, I am not sleeping much.

I dream about Kavanaugh and then I wake up at 3am and spend a few hours recovering.

He is not in my dream. The dream is about the fact that he exists.

In the dream, Dream-Me finds every one who has ever touched me without consent, and puts a spear through him. She does this because it’s her job, but I won’t say that she doesn’t enjoy it.

It takes many hours, and the dream continues over weeks, because there are so many memories, always more, and also new ones because of all the moments I have forgotten, or intentionally misunderstood or made myself forget, I allowed them to be rewritten in my mind to not lose my mind, and anyway, you couldn’t possibly spear everyone who needs spearing in just one night, there are too many of them.

And then I am awake, and I think about things I don’t want to be thinking about, and about spears.

And also about how none of this is unique to my life, none of this is some weird anomaly, this is the experience of so many of us, of nearly every woman I know…

Real talk though

DREAM-ME IS NOT WRONG: WHY NOT WITH SPEARS, TOSS THEM INTO PITS OF SNAKES, I WANT TO FIND THEM ALL AND MAKE THEM REMEMBER, BECAUSE I AM SO TIRED OF THESE LONG SLEEP-DEPRIVED NIGHTS, THESE SUDDEN THREE O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING REMEMBERINGS, I AM TIRED OF REMEMBERING ALL THESE MEN, I AM ANGRY AT HOW THEY HAVE STOLEN MY TIME AND MY SLEEP, AND I AM DONE, BEYOND DONE

More real talk

Part of me is working hard on opening a new retreat center where we can breathe/cry/move/write/process/play and commune with our wise powerful Incoming Selves in safety and sanctuary.

But part of me wants to just open a sanctuary for vigilante training, let’s work on everything from buffer phrases and force fields to full-on spear-throwing.

This wish is a tiny bit of a proxy, but also it is very real: I am ready to be about a thousand times more terrifying and intimidating, fearsome and formidable, than I ever even knew I wanted to be.

Yes? COME JOIN ME. Let’s train.

I want to be a panther and dragon, a medusa and artemis of the hunt and venus rising from the sea, and I want to be good with a spear.

Snakes

I am writing, but I am a mass of snakes, of [writing snakes and writhing snakes], Medusa and all the foremothers of this fury, the furious furies:

SEE US, with our wings and talons and glowing anger-embers!

Snakes, also

“Well, you knew he was a snake when you took the job…”

This is what my friends said when I told them that my boss at the yoga studio assaulted me. (And people wonder why nothing gets reported? If that’s what my friends said, I don’t even want to imagine what the cops would say…)

First of all, no, I did not know that, why did no one tell me?

And second, what does that even mean? We are just supposed to get used to being assaulted because snakes are everywhere, that’s just how it is?

But what if we throw them into a pit of snakes, the ones who take and take and take without permission, who think their taking is a compliment…

What if we inhabit the world with writhing snakes in our hair, what if we write-and-writhe our pain and fury into art, while they experience what it means to fear the way we fear, welcome to being afraid, snakes!

That’s where I am right now

I am [being] in this being-state, which is to say being both the eruption and the thing that is erupting…

All that to say:

(1) big feelings abound, and they are real and they make sense and they matter

(2) and also let us be here with strong force fields, steady breath, intention, so that we aren’t all unconsciously casually amplifying each other’s pain, since there is so much of it and we are all hurting, now more than ever

(3) acknowledgment & legitimacy: this is where I am right now, a breath for [this is where I am right now]

Let’s begin with fragments, because that is what I have, that might even be what I am…

Fragments

FRAGMENTS, this needs to be written in fragments because that is all I have to give right now, that is [my experience of BEING right now], fragmented.

I am whole with the whole/hole, but it needs to be expressed in the fragments, because we are in pieces.

A fragment

Driving down through New Mexico, Bernalillo to Las Cruces, a winding two lane mountain highway, and a road sign:

STRONG WINDS SOMETIMES EXIST

Yeah they do.

Exist / Sometimes

Obsessed with this deliciously odd and unlikely sign wording, what else does this work for?

Strong [emotions] sometimes exist!

Except what if they always exist, and sometimes they are just existing their way across the road we happen to be existing on…

D.H. Lawrence was an asshole (1/?)

It was the 11th of September and I took a wrong turn and then followed a bunch of signs to the ranch where D.H. Lawrence used to live in Taos, I suddenly had that feeling of THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE NOW…

That frisson feeling, tiny hairs on edge, something is different here, the molecules reconfiguring, the air is different.

A sensation of being called up the mountain to witness

But it was closed and so I turned around and went somewhere else.

D.H. Lawrence was an asshole (2)

A few days later the timing was right and I made it to the ranch, where I learned that the 11th was his birthday, and also the day he left the ranch for the last time, that was what wanted my witnessing.

I also learned that he never bothered to learn to type, he was fine having the women in his life, all talented writers and artists in their own right with their own SHIT TO DO, put aside their own art in order to type up his.

Fuck. That. Guy.

D.H. Lawrence was an asshole (3)

I stretched out lengthwise on the bench where Georgia O’Keefe used to write and gaze up at her favorite tree, it really is a good tree.

I thought about the thing someone said about Lawrence (“he did nothing that he did not really want to do, and all that he most wanted to do he did”), which is an amazing and almost baffling description.

I want to steal the glowing silver essence embodied in that phrase and give it to all the women I know.

Look at me, I am the dream-stealer and I am made of wings and fire, watch me take your dreams and your powers.

Oh, and learn to type, asshole.

Laughter

I heard Georgia laughing.

I was born too early, she said
Fly and rage for me, she said

The tree

I hugged the tree that Georgia O’Keefe loved so fiercely, and the tree said comforting things:

FILL THE SPACES AROUND YOU
AND UNDER YOU
WITH LOVE

That is what is said to me and that is what I will share with you, even in my fury state.

(We can have both! Love and fury! We can be the Furies and exist in Love, be a force of Love, and a force to be reckoned with, I believe this, or at least right now I do.)

More tree wisdom, fragmented

I asked the tree about a project of mine that scares me and it said:

GROUND FIRST
GET YOUR BASE
THE WORDS WILL COME

SAY THE WORD PRAYER
(the word ‘prayer’? the word-prayer?)
OUT LOUD OR IN YOUR HEART
IT IS ENOUGH

The Light Sanctuary

Everything going spectacularly wrong led me to the light sanctuary, if you are ever in New Mexico, get thee to the light sanctuary.

It is round and all the windows and skylights are prisms so you just bathe in rainbows…

The light sanctuary is a place where Nothing Is Wrong, and I wish to recreate this in my own space, both in a home when I have one, and within the vessel of my body-and-being.

But also, like so many forms of sanctuary, it can quickly become full of people who do not understand how to act in a place of [Sanctuary], and so then you are just helpless and glaring at loud teenagers, leaving because it is time to leave the light…

I wish for better boundaries, a better glare, the right words to say “hey, not okay”, in this and in all situations, amen.

The Sanctuary Sanctuary

Places for Safety First that exist inside of us:

Heart
Breath
Presence (I am here now, I want to be here now)
A quieting that comes from allowing

Solar plexus

I vomited the day before Kavanaugh was confirmed, a fit of kavanausea, because I knew what would happen.

No and more no

A table of boomers at the cafe, talking loudly about how the only thing that matters is his “impeccable” record, and really, “who didn’t do things in their youth that they regret” and “why is this even a big deal”.

I had to immmediately exit because otherwise I would have exploded, because I do not have a handy pit of snakes for them.

Where to

I walked to to the yoga studio and the teacher asked how I am, and I told her, because I answer that question honestly now.

I AM SO ANGRY
I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN
IT NO LONGER SURPRISES ME THAT THE WORLD IS FULL OF RAPISTS
IT SURPRISES ME A LOT THAT PEOPLE ARE SO QUICK TO REVEAL HOW LITTLE THEY CARE

Good

Good, she said, thank you for bringing your pain and honesty and realness to yoga, let’s do a class for this.

So we had a rage class, and it helped.

Canyonscape

I have a Grand Canyon inside me, carved from grief and rage and fury, I saw it during a meditation.

But you know what? The Grand Canyon is beautiful and breathtaking.

Yes, I have experienced pain that is enormous and disruptive, events that have changed the landscape of my life. This upheaval has formed something new, and this new is impressive.

A breath for recognizing this.

Contentment

September on the calendar was the month of Contentment, and yes, I spent most of it in a state of bewildering rage, and this is okay, and I have room inside me to hold the bewilderment, the rage, and wishes for contentment, I can breathe for both.

Are there any moments of Contentment I want to remember? Any noticings or learnings related to this theme?

Being in the light sanctuary. And beneath Georgia’s tree.

Driving into gorgeous New Mexico sunrises and sunsets.

Walking labyrinths. Bathing naked under a startling sky.

Nourishing meals. New friends.

Exiting when it was time to exit.

Breathing my way through.

Seeds of

May these contentment-wishes and contentment-seeds do their work beneath the surface, may our rage and fury also be powerful seeds for new and better, may it all be revealed in right timing how useful it was to experience the Opposite of Contentment in the month of contentment…

And if you want to do some spear-throwing with me, that is welcome too.

I am thinking of ways I can be of service in these times, and have some ideas about that.

For now (a quiet invitation)

For now, come take breaths with me, share any sparks, leave a comment so we can have some togetherness in whatever form, join in my vigilante mission or glow some love here for all these seeds, fragments, noticings, wonderings and new vision.

Name any superpowers you like, we can all use some more…

Here’s to Safety First, to More & Better, to Fierce & Formidable, to New Superpowers Revealed, whatever is needed. Thank you for being here with me while I process my way through, as we do, with presence and breath and as much grace as we can muster in a moment.

Endless compassion for all the hard things in this life, and a breath of awe and appreciation: I am glad you are here in whatever form, here we are with our landscapes of experience, wishing our contentment-wishes, exploring and noticing and taking exquisite care of ourselves to the best of our ability, the work of this life, and it is a big deal.

Also a big deal: recognizing just how much I trust you that I can write these words and let them go. Thank you for that.

And I do not have any bandwidth to write a Not All Men etc disclaimer here, I am going to trust that your good heart trusts my good heart, may it all be received as it is said, with clarity and truth and my arsenal of spears

The Month of Sweetness

August - month of Sweetness

Sweet

Everything is practice and today my practice is review, but the celebratory kind devoid of judgment, a review that is really a revue, with fabulous choreography and spangly dresses.

A Month of Sweetness, let us recall, what was sweet in August, where is the sweetness to be found, what glowed sweetly? And: what worked, both in terms of this grand experiment in sweetening, and in general?

And what might I do differently next time, calling on my favorite superpower of Do-Overs Forever? If I want to bring even more sweetness into my life, where do we go from here…

What was sweet in August?

+ unexpected tears of joy in new beloved yoga spaces (time-and-space of heart and breath, in community) in Moab and Durnango and Baker City, places I did not expect to be, both literally and metaphorically

+ a renewed commitment to Vixen Mode, aka embodying Incoming Me the Glamorous Assassin who is fierce & fearless, powerful & striking, of the earth & wild, glowing & alive, fully committed to living life louder

+ healing, which is a big word and an ongoing process, and what I am here (also: here) to do, and which does not always get my full attention

+ hot sweet texts / long-distance love

+ selfies galore because it was Leo season and I am trying hard to learn how to be wildly unabashedly in love with myself at Leo levels of everything

+ very red toenails (Hey Sailor and Catwalk as the reddest of reds and the best color names)

+ sleeping in an earthship and laughing under the stars

+ embodying vixen mode so powerfully and glowing so hard that three ex-lovers suddenly resurfaced in my life all at once, from many many miles (and years) away like HEY GIRL MANY INTENSE DECLARATIONS OF LOVE, and I am at this point of sweetness and certainty with myself in life where I can easily say hahahahaha nope, instead of collapsing into the endless wondering about the many ifs and maybes of past/future/timing, and that itself, that clear knowing of NO I DESERVE WAY THE FUCK BETTER THAN THIS is really its own delicious form of sweetness, yes the sweetness of goodbye to old stories

+ the WILD MIRACLE of yes the air quality in Portland was a disaster all month but on the day of my return from New Mexico, it magically returned to healthy levels of breathability in time for my arrival, let us call this the superpower of I bring my breath with me

+ the words MOBILIZE & MEANING served me well

+ holy goddess the peach slices, the berries plucked from the vine, delight

+ I was the life of the party (at an actual party, I know, WHAT) instead of introvert-hiding in the bedroom which I only did a little, and also won a pair of boots in a raffle, so hey, maybe not-hiding is a thing I will do the tiniest bit more because I like boots

What else worked?

Compasses of Doing!

This is when I remember to not get overwhelmed by my list of things, and instead just choose EIGHT ITEMS to place in a compass, and let them be fractal flowers for the qualities I want in my life, secretly working under the surface to support all the other secret ops and missions. Here is an example….

North = Mission ready = make sure garments for a Bond girl are clean and folded aka laundry
Northeast = Release = sort recycling, empty out
East = Freshness, clean and refill all water bottles and food containers
Southeast = Tough Cookie, resew button on pants, repack
South = Plenty, refill Dopp kit
Southwest = Freedom, get ready for a week of yoga-ing
West = Sweetness, what can be most sweet today, how do I set up today so that tonight-me and tomorrow-morning me feel loved and appreciated
Northwest = WILD CARD aka always leave room to be surprised by whatever asks for my love and attention today

What do I want to remember and take with me from the month of Sweetness?

I discovered where I want to live and not-live, how I want to live and not-live.

I set better boundaries and pre-emptively yelled at strangers, and yes, the phrase “can I fucking help you or are you staring like that because you’re an actual serial killer” came in handy in a gas station in western New Mexico.

Taking care of myself is sweet. Not needing anyone is sweet. Knowing that my friends are better at loving me and reminding me to love myself than anyone I have ever been in Relationship with, and letting these friendships be the most important thing in my life, this was extremely sweet, and also new.

Movement and breath, and time for both of these when I can, and patience with myself when I can’t, these are forms of sweetness.

So many things did not go as I wished/hoped/planned this month, and meeting my frustration with Acknowledgment & Legitimacy was a form of Sweetness too.

What else about this month?

I wanted to write here, every day, and share things with you. I wish very much for a way to figure that out, I can’t really do any more unpaid jobs but there is so much I want to put here.

Placing this in a labyrinth-compass with love, maybe something will spark and shift.

This coming/incoming/entering month (September) is the month of Contentment, and I am curious to see how these sweet learnings of sweetness (and also the attendant frustrations of-and-with sweetness) move and change in Contentment.

Passage

I will be on the road a lot this month again, and not psyched about that.

Maybe I can bring some sweetness with me into trusting that the not-knowing where or when I will be or for how-long is also okay, and that this can co-exist with Contentment even if I don’t know how yet.

What if I can be sweet with not-knowing? What if there is something sweet about not needing to know?

Do you want to wish some wishes with me?

You are invited to be here with me, in whatever form you like.

You can list/name any noticings from the month of Sweetness, or call in any desired superpowers, or share anything sparked for you from what I placed here. Love and [!!!] always welcome.

As always, we are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. Each of us is in our own process, and process is unique. Sparks of sweetness for everyone in this orbit, doing the work of self-fluency or letting it brew under the surface which also counts, it all counts, xoxo

The Month of Anticipation

July - month of Anticipation

In which, etc

You may or may not be wondering what happened to me and the month of July, or what happened to me in the month of July.

And the answer, or one of them, is that July was an exhausting disorienting trash dumpster fire of everything, ten thousand train wrecks and an acid bath, and it is a total fucking miracle that I got through it in one piece.

But maybe it was kind of like this or even a lot like this for you too.

So let’s call upon the superpowers of Self-Directed Amnesty Always & In All Circumstances, All Timing Right Timing, The Magic Of Anticipation Remains, and What If All Is Well Even When It Really Feels Like It Isn’t.

Sharing

I learned a lot in July, about Anticipation, and about other things.

I want to share with you, and also I am still in bewildered recovery mode, so instead of writing about these themes and discoveries (uncoveries? why is this not a word?!), I am just going to name them.

You are wise and capable, you will receive what is needed from these clues, and if they don’t resonate, then they are just someone else’s clue or a clue for later.

I love you and trust your heart, is what I’m trying to say.

And maybe that’s what I got from the wild ride of July. I trust my heart to well up with love, I trust my own heart-companionship now, my ability to stand for and with myself through the hard slog of [things that are really fucking hard].

Let’s name some of the clues and wonders and wisdom of July…

WISDOM & WONDER, let’s do this.

  • What if it’s not a crisis, it’s a chrysalis
  • Yes this identity-shaking discovery is painful and miserable right now, that just means this new identity is superhero with a really good origin story, good job, me, we found our origin story!
  • “All superheroes disappear at some point in their arc. It’s on brand.” — my friend Kathryn when I was panicking that everyone would hate me for disappearing
  • Trust The Landing
  • Befriend the shadow, instead of being in resistance about all this anger and rage, not wanting to be motivated by it or affected by it, how about embrace that aspect of identity, whatever mobilizes is what mobilizes, what happens when I run with it for now? RAGE IS ENERGY AND ENERGY COUNTS, so use it on your list/goals…
  • I am allowed to be infuriated by “small things”
  • Similarly, delight in small things is still real delight, I take joy when and where I can, good for me
  • Speaking of “small” things, not in fact small because they are reminding me of massive earth-shaking painful things, if I am the star protagonist of HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN LEFT ON READ FOR FORTY HOURS, what goes into the slow motion montage as we root for our heroine to get tough, get even, get over it
  • Small steps are potent, and I only need to be able to see one step ahead
  • Take pleasure in life, take pleasure where you can, take pleasure in taking pleasure itself, take pleasure in patience, take pleasure in knowing something needs to change. Breathe it in.
  • Yet again, five out of five internal scientists were right about going to a yoga class, it did make help to breathe and listen to body, to do what I could and not more
  • “Can we notice the breath without taxing it with any other purpose for now, and just conjure up some gratitude for being able to notice?”
  • Silly reality! But also, it’s where we live right now.
  • Dose up on joy! If something helps, do it five times in a row!
  • Writing intentionally terrible poetry in companionship might be the best therapy I know. ROSES ARE RED VIOLETS ARE BLUE WE ARE THE BAD POETRY SOCIETY WHO THE HELL ARE YOU
  • The practice of not-freezing.
  • Anything can be returned, recycled or let go of. Anything! history, energy, stories, oxygen. Sometimes some people are like avocados, so delicious in the right moment and then bam, they turn, fine, it happened, into the compost heap with that nonsense.
  • Life in a kleptocracy swiftly declining into unchecked fascism is EXHAUSTING IN AND OF ITSELF, so “why is it so hard to get out of bed” can be retired!

The part about love

You are welcome to share any !!! or excitement or resonance with any of this, or anything you learned in July, or superpowers you’re calling on right now.

I am glowing love for July, for the magic of anticipating, for everything I learned and am still learning, and for this new month of new adventures.

Currently in Idaho en route to New Mexico. Thinking loving thoughts for us and for this ongoing process of self-fluency, self-discovery, turning inward with curiosity and as much kindness and humor as we can muster. Stay with us, friends. Come be in my Bad Poets Society! I love you and love that you are here.

`

What does Fearless look like?

What does Fearless look like?

This has been my morning stone skipping (journaling) question for the past couple weeks:

What does Fearless look like?

Sometimes I like to draw a card too or go on a clue walk having just primed my vision with the question, but mainly I just ask and listen. I take dictation.

Sometimes I direct the question towards Slightly Wiser Me, or my current Incoming self who embodies the qualities of Fierce, Fearless & Formidable. Sometimes I ask the question of my project and channel its wise knowing. And sometimes I just ask.

Want to play? From my morning notebook this week…

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless looks like CLARITY IN A DIRECTION.

Fearless looks like clear things out and then clear them out some more, aka Further Reductions to Gain In Powers.

Fearless looks like the superpower of Glorious Perspicacity, seeded, everywhere. Stand back and watch it flourish.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless looks like not caring at all if he responds to my text or if the cat doesn’t want to be besties.

Fearless looks like SHORT SHORTS because I want to.

Fearless looks like [sure, everything I own is in my car but my car doesn’t look full], this is blowing my mind.

Fearless is when I make time for my projects, the ones I care about most, and not just the ones that keep showing up in front of me.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless looks like I train hard like I mean it, and I train soft too, all the time, invisible stealth training, I am secretly training in and for everything.

Fearless means I am not afraid to ask for help. Allies help me in fearlessness.

Fearless means I have limitless power because I can draw energy from the earth, just like in dance.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless looks like yes, hello, there you are my fears, I acknowledge your existence and yet you are not bigger than me, you are a temporary part of the experience of this moment, you contain vital intel about the programming I am in the process of undoing. I make room for you, fears, but I am not impressed by you or by the fact that you are still here.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless means there are no boundary issues right now because my boundaries just are. They hold themselves.

Fearless means I stand in Prowess, ready to mobilize.

Fearless means I know I am the queen in my world. I am Olivia Pope levels of queenliness.

Fearless looks like pointing my wand towards the earth.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless comes from knowing who I am.

Fearless means I know I don’t need the distractions I crave. Whoosh, goodbye.

Fearless means sure, why not, start over, I can do that.

Fearless means everything that came before is useful but does not define me.

Fearless means BE HERE NOW.

Fearless means the ability to celebrate each undoing, welcome each ending.

Fearless means remembering that I can ask this question every day until my fearlessness is innate, along with my ability to love myself in every fearful moment, and there is no contradiction here.

What does Fearless look like?

Fearless means yes to my yeses, and a clear resounding no to everything else.

(postscript)

I ask the question not because I think I have the answer but because [Fearless] feels so removed and inaccessible that I want to surprise myself with what I do know, and follow the trails of sparks…

Invitation to play with me

You are welcome as always to share !!!! in the comments or anything sparked for you, or process what needs processing, or skip this stone with me.

What does Fearless look like right now for you? Or sound like, feel like, smell like? Or any other form of this question. Can we let the answers surprise us? Can we breathe deep and access a quieter self who knows new answers?

Or maybe a different quality is calling to you right now, and so it becomes a new question for you. What does Clarity look like? What does Possibility look like? Make it your own.

We remember that People Vary, we meet ourselves and each other with kindness, we don’t give advice. This is space for process, and process is unique, and more importantly, internal. We can always use a proxy or cover story if we need one.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

What do we know about Desire?

horizon

Calling do-overs on the month of Desire

It turns out Desire is intense and a little scary, because it is about making room to want, to allow myself to be someone who wants.

And this is a lot. I went and hid out in the woods for a few weeks with a very opinionated cat and many deer. I learned about spaciousness and about loneliness, I learned about craving, I learned about comfort.

Crossing through.

Now it is suddenly July and I am still making peace with Desire, and with the various desires of June, exploring what it means to let them exist. What happens when I let myself hear them, see them, feel them in my bones?

So let’s keep going with this. Let’s meet Desire and keep meeting her, let’s meet these missions with curiosity, patience, appreciation and fascination, letting these qualities infuse the passage from June into July, in the spirit of All Timing Right Timing.

June is DESIRE and July is ANTICIPATION, and these are clearly related. Noticing my apprehension and wondering what it would take to let it reconfigure into anticipation.

Deciding that this process of exploring my relationship with desire (in all forms) can be the just-right portal to whatever is next. What if Desire is not so much a quality but a superpower?

Entry for the entering

Taking a minute — or maybe even more than a minute (?!) for
{pause + breathe}
{pause + notice}
{pause + feel what is here}
because how can I know what I want or need
when I have forgotten where I am…

Join me if you like, and yes, reading counts as joining.

Hello to my forgotten heart

Sixteen breaths of hello heart aka how is your heart, friend
hi, forgotten heart-space and all the forgotten places of wanting!

(I forget but then I remember)

Thank you to Lisa Mae for this piece of perfection in question-form, which returns me to the heart of it all (jinx!)

I can feel the immediacy and the elegance in how it slices through everything, the bullshit small talk, the half-lies I tell myself.

This question is a door and a returning, a clear and loving expression of [let’s get back to what is real-and-now], an invitation I will always answer.

How is your heart, friend?

A month (or more) for exploring Desire

This yearning to turn inward and re-remember, to feel again and new, this is also my hello to each new month that is incoming.

And of course it is also a greeting to all the Incomings aka the versions of self on their way in, the qualities they embody, everything we are inviting, right now, everything we are calling in, with love.

Focus

My focus right now is Powerful Foundation, and this is funny because focus itself is also a form of power and foundation.

And: this is how we mobilize, act, stand, fight if needed.

My mission is to learn more about incoming me who is currently taking the form of a glamorous gorgeous assassin. I want — no, I FIERCELY DESIRE — her wildly intimidating qualities and superpowers, including:

stealth! tactical! fierce! balanced! sexy!
unapologetic about the above as well as everything else!
every single movement or non-movement is efficient, powerful and graceful!
amazing boundaries that border on magic!
can cut through bullshit with a glance!
wants what she wants!
trusts her instincts!

Some clues / Some noticing

These are clues for me and maybe some will also be clues for you:

  • CLUE: the thing that was the solution is not the solution anymore (?!)
  • CLUE, related to above: this is not a bad thing, it is just new
  • CLUE: adornment has meaning
  • CLUE: just add intention
  • CLUE: begin from a powerful foundation
  • CLUE + massive insight: It isn’t yes vs no, it’s yes vs clue, and because everything is a clue about a yes, I keep things in my life that are Less Than Yes so that I don’t forget my actual yeses, but then these clues just CLUTTER MY DESIRE FIELD, does that make sense?
  • CLUE: home is a stronghold, what else is a stronghold
  • CLUE: “no need to push here, your body will be ready when it’s ready” (apparently I needed to be around someone who said this nineteen times in an hour and a half)
  • CLUE: A Critical Mass of Wild Extravagance
  • CLUE: Sometimes wanting is scary, sometimes just admitting that I want is scary, sometimes I am scared of how much I want to be wanted, and it is all okay, desire is a powerful narcotic and also a powerful healing, and it gets twisted by culture, and it makes sense that we can feel conflicted about all aspects of it, points to us for paying attention to everything that comes up and recognizing that these reactions are understandable!
  • CLUE: A round hobbit house door is very unexpected
  • CLUE: do it like an assassin: the assassin doesn’t sweat the small stuff, the assassin executes the small stuff (I am murdering my to-do list, and it is hilarious)
  • CLUE: X begins where Y Stops
  • CLUE: Sometimes the fastest way to activate a superpower is saying “ACTIVATE!”

My missions for the month of Desire and beyond

Operation Stay Curious
How can I welcome my desires with warmth, while getting clear and grounded so that I can easily and efficiently differentiate between wishes and clues?

I am ready to be the queen of discerning what is a reverberating heart-space FUCK YEAH 120% TRUE YES versus what might be a clue about or towards a possible future yes.

(A hint, for me and maybe also for you: turns out most things are clues!)

And so we invite in the superpower of I Can Appreciate A Good Clue And Still Wait For My Yes.

This secret op is dedicated with great love to the memory of Anthony Bourdain and the superpower of receptivity to all good surprises

The Whirling Missions
Feeling a fit of Congruencing coming on (when we make internal changes, our external space feels dissonant, every step towards making things more harmonious is a big deal), but what if this doesn’t need to take place through having a a fit? What if it can just be a good fit instead?

I am calling this a whirling for now, like a dervish, let this be a good fit through a whirling of spirals and circles, a healing through roundness.

These missions are also about receiving orders (from deep inside, the Glamorous Assassin), and then executing these orders, like an assassin, with lightness and efficiency, what happens when I approach my day in stealth bad-ass mode, glowing and intentional…

Powerful Foundation
This is about feet, this is about strongholds, this is about press down to go up, this is about moving from stability into possibility as Melissa says.

This is about channeling the most fearless version of my glamorous assassin self, Janelle Monae meets Emma Peel meets Trinity from the Matrix, unstoppable glorious action, and it all comes from this foundation of a new relationship with feeling powerful in my presence.

And yes, this is about boundaries, and I know this because two days after naming this op, I had about seven hundred boundary-related challenges and we know how this works when you wish for a thing and then immediately get the opposite of it in the form of a challenge.

A story, part i

A while back, my dance teacher’s teenage step-daughter asked her, “Who’s that one student of yours, you know the one, she looks like a sniper…

And of course Jen knew exactly who she meant, and this story delights me because yeah, I look like a sniper, but also because apparently I am terrible at being incognito, to the point that a fifteen year old blew my cover.

A story, part ii

Last week I told my dance teacher about this secret identity that is incoming, how I want to feel my way into this Bond girl assassin self, wildly intimidating and mysterious, who even knows whose side she’s on, she’s so powerful and compelling that it doesn’t matter.

In fact, she’s so powerful and compelling that she stops making sense in most settings. You are not surprised to see her at the gala at the embassy, even though she doesn’t have an invitation. But at the supermarket she is out of place.

I said I want to embody her essence so completely that it seems completely bonkers when I am seen in a supermarket, sure maybe I’m inconspicuous when I need to be, but also devastatingly dangerous and suspiciously glowy.

Jen was like OH HELL YEAH WE ARE DOING THIS, and proceeded to give me a bunch of homework in the form of assassin-related dance drills on things like using the secret diamond in the heel of my shoe to cut a perfect circle in glass, and how to hold my body while carrying a champagne flute on my way to elegantly murder someone deserving of my wrath.

We called that one flutes and glutes, because I am the funniest, and this might become a future workshop, just saying…

A story, part iii

The next day around lunch time I was at the supermarket, and a checker guy IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT AISLE yelled over to me, “hey what’s going on this isn’t your usual time to be here!”

I actually haven’t been there in months but yes, I used to go in the mornings when I was cat-sitting in the neighborhood, and he remembered. So. There it is.

Complimentary

Someone I love is truly the world expert at delivering compliments, his compliments are so completely themselves that even if your monsters think they are ludicrous and over-the-top, it doesn’t matter because his words are so pure in their love that they cannot ring anything but truth.

What he says is truth, both for him when he says it, and just in general.

Like it or not, you are compelled to believe every spectacular thing he says about you because of course he is right, and then you walk around all day like YES, I AM REALLY GOOD AT EXISTING AND I DO HAVE AMAZING HAIR, and it is seriously the best feeling in the entire world.

His marvelous compliments are somehow always delivered at the exact right moment in the exact right tone, built-in effervescence, and they make me want to fill the world with even more wildly extravagant but completely true observations about everyone I love.

Here’s a text from him that made me smile for a week:

“Havi, listen. You are perfect. You are sexy. You are ruthless. You have excellent grammar. You are a glorious, striking, green eyed marvel. I will see you at breakfast.”

I now feel this much enthusiasm about everything that is a yes.

Also about you, person who reads and hangs out here:

I cherish you. You have palpable sparkle, that’s why we twinkle at each other so well.

I am thrilled that you exist and that the internet is bringing us into each other’s orbits.

Also, your hair is amazing, and I don’t even have to see it to know this, because I can just feel the truth of this.

What is the beautiful truth in Wild Enthusiasm?

I think this wild enthusiasm is how I am learning to differentiate between a desire and a clue.

The more I tell the truth about what is beautiful, wonder-inducing and a joy to be around, the more I know what (and whom) to treasure in my world. To treasure and to keep.

And the more I acknowledge what glows, the clearer I am on what does and doesn’t need to be in my life right now.

I have become someone who appreciates enthusiastically, and this is also helping me get through this dark and terrible timeline of awful heartbreaking news. My heart still hurts, all the time, the news is devastating, and also I am finding more joy in small beautiful moments.

The joy is sustaining me, and it is becoming part of the Powerful Foundation that will help me mobilize. And this is secretly what I desire (Month of Desire) more than anything. To be in my power, do what’s right, and not lose myself in the pain.

What does Fearless look like?

This is the next step in the mission of Welcoming Desire.

I don’t know the answer to this yet but I have been dialoging with Me Who Is Afraid and Me Who Is Fearless, and it turns out that both of them are very wise, loving and funny. I like them both.

Me Who Is Fearless has some killer intel though, and she is helping me get closer to my desires as well as knocking things off my to-do list because nothing intimidates her, and it is amazing.

And when I find myself in a perception of stuck/lost, which is a natural and normal part of any secret mission, I let these parts of me talk it out, until perspective returns.

Come in, superpower of Perspective Returns! That might be one of the most important pieces in this mission of exploring Desire.

Some current secret and not-so-secret desires

Some of these are encoded which is a form of the practice of Safety First as well as the practice of Make It Play, both of these can be very useful (and stealthy!) approaches to desire

+ Gain In Strength (for things like Standhand and Playup!)
+ More power, less effort aka relax into strength
+ I Am Of The Ground But Live In The Air And This Delights Me
+ Love more / Trust more / Wish more / Pause more
+ The Right Dress For The Gala (this is a proxy, but…)
+ The Right Tool For The Job
+ The Right Job Given The Tools
+ Villianness!
+ Stealth Ship Design
+ My backup plans have backup plans but also I don’t care about plans

Questions, asked with love.

What is this month called Desire
and what does it mean to be okay with wanting
and what else do I know about fearlessness?

Let’s seed these for now, and let intel percolate, as we do.

Let’s trust in the process of asking and desiring, trust that this is all helping us prepare to mobilize.

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome as always to share !!!! in the comments or anything sparked for you, or process what needs processing, maybe through skipping stones.

We remember that People Vary, we meet ourselves and each other with kindness, we don’t give advice. This is space for process, and process is unique, and more importantly, internal. We can always use a proxy or cover story if we need one.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.