So yeah, I’ve been doing my share of talking to walls lately.
And conversing with blocks. And having long, complicated discussions with old, forgotten fears.
To the point that part of me is starting to miss the good old days when my meditations pretty much consisted of sitting and breathing.
Because man … all this talking and interacting is intense.
Between a block and a hard place.
So I’m in meditation.
I ask a question.
What is keeping me from the thing I’m trying to achieve?
And then I have to laugh because obviously the only correct answer is “Hello, that would be you.”
So it’s me.
Fine. Of course it is. But come on … give me more than that. How am I stopping myself? Where am I slowing myself down?
A couple of images came at once. Anchors. Heavy anchors designed to keep me from drifting away.
Big blocky cement boulders set on wing-like things that trail out behind me.
And then little fluttery wings at my sides that are clipped. Clipped wings. Not with the feathers cut like they do to birds, but literally with a clip on them. Wings that are temporarily disabled.
In which I make contact with the stuck and we begin an awkward dialogue.
Me: Hey! Question. Are these blocks ones that I have placed here?
Me: But why?
Answer: To slow you down.
Me: From what?
Answer: You know.
Me: Uh … okay … leaving that aside for a minute. Let’s say I do know. What’s wrong with getting there as fast as possible?
Answer: Oh no! That would be scary. Total shock to the system. The speed! No. Absolutely not.
Me: Okay, so this is the safety thing again. I get it. I mean, I recognize that you are trying to protect me and keep me from potential harm.
Answer: Way to sound appreciative.
And then there was a long pause because I had to stop and think about that. Actually, I was feeling annoyed that my internal answers were sounding so creepily like my mother.
In which we come to an understanding of sorts.
Me: It’s hard for me to be appreciative.
Answer: And …?
Me: Right now I’m feeling pretty upset when I think about how I have deliberately sabotaged my own progress. I need to know that I’m taking care of myself in a way that isn’t so painful.
Answer: What are you talking about? What is painful?
Me: This slowed-down movement …
Answer: So what?
And another pause. I remind myself that this is not my mother.
Me: I have this direction, right? We both know that I’m headed somewhere and we agree that getting there is a good thing. We just disagree about the speed.
You’re intentionally slowing me down (apparently at my own request) so that I will feel safe and protected. So that I won’t be overwhelmed. And I am willing to appreciate that.
At the same time, I can see something that you can’t. Which is that I’m headed there anyway.
And the resistance between my motion and your holding me back is causing me pain. It’s tearing off bits of my wings.
Answer: What are you suggesting?
And then an agreement, but with conditions.
Me: We need a new system.
Answer: We have a system.
Me: A new version of that system. New and improved! Better. Functions at a higher level. Stuff like that.
Answer: I’m listening.
Me: We’ll need something both internal and external.
Like … oh, I don’t know. What if I had a really amazing internal GPS device? What if I had homing pigeons to send out and get information? What if I had guides who were leading me there in the safest way possible?
Answer: These blocks and boulders and anchors are really hurting you, aren’t they?
Answer: I need reassurance.
Me: How can I reassure you?
Answer: I need you to talk to your fear.
Me: Oh crap. I was afraid of that.
Answer: Hahahahaha. That’s hilarious. Though you know, fear of fear — for all that it’s a self-perpetuating nightmare — is really not a very effective way of interacting with the world.
Me: Whoah. Now you don’t sound at all like anyone I’m related to.
Answer: Are you going to talk to your fear? I’ll come with you…
Me: Aaaaaargh. Okay. Fine. Let’s do this thing.
To Be Continued ….
Oooh boy. I think maybe everyone has a voice in their head that sounds like their mother at least some of the time. But, I agree, it is creepy (or maybe crappy).
And that fear of going to fast looks familiar, too. Maybe I really need to put more effort into establishing a meditation practice. (In other news, I did the yoga video thing on Sunday evening.)
JoVEs last blog post..Camnesia
Oh Havi, thank you!
I wanted to put that in capitals, because this is exactly the conversation I’ve been having with my inside lately. And the answer was – hey, you have to talk to your fear now.
And that voice at the end, the way he spoke sounded familiar. Like somebody who talks to me when I’m sad and need a boost.
Just *smiling* right now. Thank you, once again.
Joely Blacks last blog post..The Monday edition: This title is not a snow-related cliché
Talking to your own fear. Sounds scary…
Can’t wait for Part 2!
Sues last blog post..SnuggleSafe – For Animal Lovers Only
I am loving the tender, careful, clear attention you’re giving yourself and sharing so openly in these last couple of posts.
(I’ve also loved that same attention when you’ve given it out to others and shared about that too).
I am gripped and touched and rooting for you and probably now hooked and certainly agog for part two.
Most warm wishes to you
Lessons I can learn:
*Even guru’s can get sarky with their inner voices
*Get it out of your system, but in the end be honest.
Sorry, but that was ‘laugh out loud’ funny! Like a sitcom episode where you can feel the tension mount as the one-liner waits to be delivered.
Hurrah for talking to our inner stuff! And I hereby give you permission to just sit and breathe if you’re feeling like you need a rest from all this churning. I know what it’s like to overdo it, and it’s not pretty!
James | Dancing Geeks last blog post..How to design your perfect job when you haven’t a clue where to start
love the conversations, havi…the back and forth socratic discovery…i think that fdr, the guy who ushered us (the americans) through the great depression as well as world war 2, i think that fdr would say to begin with that meta-fear…the fear of fear…
i’m excited to hear that conversation!
chass last blog post..mmm10! talk about the passion!
Wheeeeeee! Hey guys!
Sorry, super excited to be back online.
@chas – Totally. It’s always fear of fear. I wish that *knowing* that made it easier. Well, it does sometimes. 🙂
@James – *blows kiss*
@Pauline – thanks, my dear. What a sweet and wonderful thing to say!
@Sue + Joely + JoVE – Yay, you guys. THANK YOU. So great to have people with me in this stuff. Glad you’re sticking around for the weirdness because yeah, it’s totally going to get weird.
Though now I’m kind of torn because so much wacky happened over my four days
of blog neglectin Austin that I want to blog about some of that stuff too…
Nice to have you back. And just want to say that i don’t find this stuff weird at all- all this journeying to the inner world , talking to walls and having your internal fears and stucknesses coming alive, and growing wings and talking back to you in mysterious voices……ahhhhh….. when that is going on it makes me really, really happy and I start to just relax!
So thank you. I look forward to more hearing more about your adventures both inner and outer. And I hope that you’re feeling somewhat more rested and renewed after your yoga retreat.
Hugs and *blowing kisses*,
chris zydels last blog post..The ART OF INNER CLUTTER CLEARING: MAKING ROOM FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE
“tearing off bits of my wings” Ah, that’s beautiful. And I can so completely relate. This was a perfect post. I feel like I’m going through the same thing.
Diane Whiddon-Browns last blog post..My Inner Critic and Her Milk Duds
Good on ya for confronting and dealing with your fear(s)!
I kinda did something similar to this (same, same only different) when I decided to quit my job.
So, rootin’ for ya and good luck!
Tannages last blog post..Walking In A Winter Wonderland
Ya know, Havi, for all the weirdness going on I think you’re really on to something even though I can’t begin to articulate it myself.
So I’m eager to see Part 2. Now off to talk to my own blocks…
I was thinking that the house is so quiet without you around, but then I realized that the house is actually *louder* without you around, which is an interesting realization and might be Important. Either way, we miss you. (:
I love this post. I feel all tingly when I read it. Resonatey. Shaky. Intriguing. Hmm.
Kyelis last blog post..Reflections on three months of being vegan (well, actually, non-dairy vegetarian)
I need to hear the rest of this conversation because I think it’s happening over here, too.
You’re afraid to hear it because it might make things come clear and that might make you stop slowing yourself down?
Oh, ‘scuse me, myself is throwing a tantrum right now.
There’s a great quote from A.H. Almaas I read recently on exactly this issue:
“The problematic situations in your life are not chance or haphazard. They are specifically yours, designed specifically for you by a part of you that loves you more than anything else. . . . How much suffering and difficulty it brings you is immaterial in relation to the fulfillment and satisfaction you will have when you actually struggle and see the fruits of the struggle.”
Chris Edgar | Purpose Power Coachings last blog post..Guest Article At The Positivity Blog: “How To Get Comfortable With An Empty Mind”
I recently sat down and tried to make an honest list of my fears about my forthcoming venture. There are many. But at least now that they are on paper I can scowl at them.
kittys last blog post..Evernote is my new boyfriend
I’m trailing through the links to these posts… like easter eggs in the tall grass, so bright and unexpectedly delightful… and finding tears and sadness also as I am mourning the loss of what was… as you do the necessary movement of growing and becoming something new… because you were there, Havi… you were there for me to help me start to get a handle on how to understand what my brain and my heart was trying to communicate… when I was so unbelievably overwhelmed and in the dark… and trapped by my fear and the walls I’d used to brick myself in… I have fluency to talk about myself and help others communicate themselves now… because of you. And I thank you… and I wish these posts and the warm fuzzy light that enveloped this community was going to stay here always… but I know that change, growth, movement, entropy, evolution… this is all inevitable… but I wanted to let you know how your light has grown beyond you and out into the world. Thank you so.