very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write a Very Personal Ad (aka Vision-Possibility-Anticipation) to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. Sometimes wanting feels conflicted or just plain hard, and that’s okay.

At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.

What do I want?

In March it will be NINE YEARS since I started this business.

Eight since I marched into City Hall in San Francisco (not sure if marched is the correct verb, I’m pretty sure it was a fairly tentative march, at best) to make things official. Nine since the vision, which is when I started documenting my material and incorporating it into my teaching.

I’ve been so fortunate, in many ways. Especially-especially to have this remarkable community form around this work.

The people who are drawn here seem to be universally thoughtful, kind, warm, playful and accepting. The culture we have built/revealed here is exceptionally welcoming. I genuinely like everyone who plays here. That is a special and unusual thing.

My thank-you heart is full of appreciation for this.

And, along with the things that are working, I’m also very aware of the things that are not working.

What do I want?

While we enjoyed a few very successful years along the way, the last couple of years have been hard: the big expansion that was a Spectacular Flailure, the breakup with my former mentor, and a cosmically ridiculous amount of painful personal Stuff.

2013 was supposed to be my sabbatical year, and instead it was the year I worked the hardest.

I want to keep doing this work, and…

If I am going to keep doing this work, things need to change, in a big way.

What do I want?

Community. SUSTENANCE and SUSTAINABILITY.

I want to stop doing the thing I’ve done way too much of over the past few years, using the success of one or another part of the business to keep other parts of it on life support.

I want this business to become more democratic: to be held by more people which in turn will allow us to offer things for less money.

And I want to run this like an entirely different kind of organization, the kind that goes, “Okay, we have a budget and we need to make our budget for the year in order to keep providing the beautiful things we provide.”

Mainly I want to devote my time to writing and processing: here and on the Floop.

Ha, I just noticed: each of those things is about [Sharing]. Sharing things that are close to my heart, sharing the carrying of things that need to be carried, sharing in community.

What do I want?

This is so interesting.

The spy who loves me is really, really into sharing. Whenever we make a compass together, he puts [Sharing] in as one of the directions.

Once he said that if he made a thousand compasses, they would all have [Sharing] in them.

I thought at the time that over the course of a thousand compasses, it would never occur to me to add [Sharing]. Not that I am anti-[Sharing], just that it doesn’t occur to me.

The qualities I pretty much always want are things like [Safety], [Sovereignty], [Shelter], [Play]. I also love [Agency], [Delight], [Presence] and [Plenty]. And Freedom. Freedom shows up a lot too.

Over this past year I have been making friends with [Sharing], and now it is the thing I want most.

What do I want?

To remember that Nothing Is Wrong and This Is Good.

To remember that all the best parts of my business emerged from the moment where I reached a limit. I got to a point of “okay, this isn’t working for me”, and that is where beautiful changes came in. Stuff had to break in order to be rebuilt.

And sometimes it didn’t need to break. It just cleared itself out.

The point is, this moment of noticing what isn’t working is useful and important, if I remember.

Otherwise it’s easy to get down about what isn’t working and sucked into the why-like-this.

The not working is good news. The noticing of Not-Working is good news. This is the door to consciously changing how I do things around here.

What do I want?

To be willing to start over if I have to.

To be willing to relinquish any rules I have about how this has to look.

To be willing to walk away from anything, even though I don’t know what that means.

To be willing to stay and love what is, and let it change in whatever way it needs to change.

To be a bell of peacefulness. To radiate trust. To ask smart questions and skip stones.

What do I want?

A new hat. The last hat.

Maybe it is the hat that runs this thing for now into the future. Or maybe it is the hat that shows me this form is done, that leads me to try something else.

Hat is secret agent code for Havi Announces a Thing.

What do I want?

Ease. Miracles. Simplicity. Perfect simple solutions.

Where/how do I want to start?

Replenishing Glass of Water. RGW!

Using the Floop and a playdate.

And! I am going to wear the Aspiration of The Me Who Knows Why This Is Wonderful And Trusts That It Is Wonderful Even If She Doesn’t Know Why Yet.

Anything else coming up?

Lately I have experienced many examples of This Wasn’t As Hard/Horrible As I Was Imagining.

So what if I can assume that?

And what if I can actually imagine what it would feel like to believe this is all good news.

What are the qualities of my wish?

Sharing. Steadiness. Peacefulness. Trust. Archways. Pleasure. Play. Glow.

And the superpower of I Can See And Feel That I Am Not Alone.

What would help me move forward on this? How am I going to play?

Wearing the costume of the me who believes. Interviewing her. Finding out what the world looks like through her eyes.

Drawing a crown and a heart on my palm. Thinking: Crown. Heart.

What is my clue?

Last year Monsieur LeBlanc, the agent from the other Agency, stopped doing something that he had been doing for thirty four years.

At the time it seemed crazy, and in retrospect it is completely obvious that this was the right move.

What if my crazy idea is not crazy at all? What if following the thread is useful in and of itself? The reasons can reveal themselves later.

Anything else?

More napping. Sleep holds the answers right now. And if it doesn’t, then my rested mind will.

What else do I want?

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…

  • May Peacefulness Prevail!
  • Announcements.
  • Everything is getting easier.
  • Miracles everywhere.
  • Regular gigs at the ballroom, which is also the Spiegelsaal.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
  • Past me is a GENIUS.
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
  • There is money for this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • Hawaii.
  • I am fearless and confident, and I do the brave things and give myself sparklepoints, and it is not even a big deal that I did the brave things but I still get sparklepoints, yay.

This week’s ops?

The Last Hat. Operation Nest of Plentiful Rest. Operation Rewire The Swishes.

I’m playing with…

“How is this useful?”

Attenzione! AGENTS.

I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at Gracefully Accepting Thanks. Or: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow.

This mission also resolves a question we get from people a lot, which is “I really, really want to thank you, except I’m not going to buy products and I can’t come to a Rally.” And it is also related to Operation Coming Out Of All The Closets, so I can share some experiences from Then where past-me thought her best survival strategy was not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.

If you would like to support my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)

And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. It all counts. ♡

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka My big dumb mitten visit…

My wish had to do with having ease and support during a hard thing so that the hard thing could be not-as-hard. It worked!

My visit to freezing-cold-Michigan, while physically exhausting, went better than I could have imagined. I feel happy and relieved.

Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Keep me company?

You are welcome to drop in with wishes, gwishes, visions, personal ads. Small or large, and in any form you like. There is no right way to do this. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We ask for what we need. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.

Let’s throw some things in the pot! And, as always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

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