Friday chicken

A look at the good and the hard in my week, a ritual of reflecting.

It is Friday and we are here.

{a breath for Friday.}

What worked this week?

Cozy Warm Unitards!

The amazing Barbara Sher has this technique called CWUs that I use all the time. It stands for Complete Willingness Unit, and what it means is that you only do tiny things that don’t trigger resistance.

So if I’m working on a writing op, and I don’t want to start, my CWU might be just putting my notebook on the table. Or it might be asking myself what I might want to write about later if I happen to feel like writing.

I have trouble (this is just me) with the phrase Complete Willingness Unit because it sounds cold and metallic and like something that happens on a sci-fi show that takes place in space, so I make up my own words to fit the acronym.

Crimson Witchy Undergarments! Cat Whip Umbrellas! Clandestine Winding Up! Cornish Wind Utensils! Creative Whale Urbanization! Carefree Wandering Unicorns! Colorful Wombat Usurpers!

This week I took absurdly tiny steps, and it worked for me.

Next time I might…

Avoid the 6.

I already know about this, but then I forget.

The #6 bus is not a good place for me to be, and I always take it, and I always regret it.

This week I had a classic 6 moment when I chose to sit by the one person who did not seem to be (possibly-probably-potentially) dangerous, and then he immediately started yelling about the queen and staring at me while making squawking sounds.

I have a really hard time with situations of “I can’t read what’s happening”. Like, maybe you’re just going to talk about the queen, which is fine by me, except the intel you are giving me is that you are Unpredictable, and Anything Could Happen, and this is uncomfortable.

I have already had too many incidents (on the 6!) that ended in not-good. The problem with avoiding the 6 is that it means a lot of walking, something my knee does not love at the moment. But right now my main goal is feeling safe and secure in daily life, so let’s do things that support that.

If you feel drawn to leave comments on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles, I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are appreciated. Hearts or pebbles work great if you don’t know what to say, often I don’t know what to say either so we’re in the same boat.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. I had high hopes for this being the week that my knee got better, and instead it was a lot of up and down. My lover whisked me away for a much-needed day off in the trees, except my knee didn’t like sitting in the car and really didn’t like climbing into and out of the camper, and squatting to pee is horrible, and yes, I know there are devices for this as well as badass and trans-boy-approved self-training methods that I could/should be working on in order to master the art of peeing standing up, but right now all I want is a lot of OH NO POOR YOU about my knee. Pain is just not fun and right now there is a lot of it. A breath for release and relief.
  2. And now my right hip is hurting too, in addition to the left knee, and this is just stupid. A breath for Shmita, because that is what is needed.
  3. Still no dancing and I want to be dancing. A breath for comfort.
  4. Got triggered during an interaction and went numb. And a twenty year reunion is happening for a thing that was [traumatic] for me, and all sorts of stuff is coming up around that. A breath for noticing and taking care of myself.
  5. Aaaaugh there is really no good way to run into an ex, but does it have to be when I haven’t showered in three days and am wearing my oldest grubbiest clothes, no makeup, hair a disaster? I mean, over the past couple years I have imagined what it would be like to run into him, and I have imagined this on many, many occasions, and in my imagination I always look way more put together. I have heard people say “and I just wanted the earth to open and cover me up”, and I think “no no no think about what you are saying you do not want that at all”, but in that moment, yes, I seriously just wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. Also he said, “I hope you know I’m not mad at you. You know that, right?” UM EXCUSE ME WHAT. If anyone should be mad at anyone, I should be mad at you, the person who Mysteriously Disappeared, which resulted in a lot of pain. I mean, I’m not mad, it was years ago and I got over it. But still. And maybe I’m not mad but maybe I still have a lot of leftover insecurity and overly-cautious-scared-to-show-that-I-like-someone from that. And now I shall disappear into a saferoom where I am always getting a facial and I look glowing and radiant and only have amazing clothes, forever, ta da! You are all welcome to say things like “WTF, dude” and “”Havi, you always look outrageously hot, this is a known fact”. A breath for sending all of that to the magical elevator shaft: whoosh!
  6. People I love so deep in their stuff that they are believing the stories they spin in their head. A breath for presence and for holding truth quietly in my heart.
  7. The Floop, my beautiful online private community for practicing self-fluency and sovereignty, now in the sixth year of my ongoing experiment with some form of this, ended this week. We are going into a couple weeks of Dry Dock as we do each year, and then it will be something new. I will miss everyone, and I already miss having a designated space to process. And endings — even the most beautiful ones, and this was an exceptionally beautiful one — are complex creatures. A breath for ease-filled transitions.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. Knee has been giving me breaks from the pain. Whole hours of not-hurting, this is amazing. A breath of appreciation and gratitude for this.
  2. When I was panicking about the run-in with the ex, Max said: “Hey, listen, your radiance and unicornness does not come from a store, it is innate!“. A breath for being reminded of truth.
  3. Leslie Knope! A breath for the joy that is this season of Parks And Rec. And Donna and Joe’s wedding: thank you thank you thank you. Well, not their wedding so much as everything Jennifer Barkley says in that episode which is all the things I say in my head.
  4. Saturday night with my lover. And sitting across from him in the camper, both of us working, his hand on my ankle or foot, the way he is smiling at me every time I look up. A breath for a full heart.
  5. I finally got to see Adiv, my wonderful childhood friend who has been in town since AUGUST and we have both been busy and traveling and nothing ever works out. The curse is lifted! A breath for friendship.
  6. The ex of the Mysterious Disappearance wrote to me after our Awkward Run-In, and explained everything that happened two years ago in a way that was honest, vulnerable and kind, and there is nothing I value more than that. I will also add that it really helps to have that extra intel, which confirms that, as usual, all my insecurity monsters were completely wrong about everything, and that the best thing to do in life is always Assume Misunderstanding. A breath for an unsolved mystery suddenly solved, and all the superpowers of that.
  7. While I am sad about the Floop ending, I am overjoyed about how it ended with ZERO DRAMA this year, and I was so impressed watching people exit in conscious, intentional, rally-like ways, glowing-love for the space, the experience, themselves and each other, and ohmygod thank you. Plus the Secret S-Word Society is happening! Plus now I can hear the inside of my head again. I am so looking forward to the beautiful thing that is the SWOOP BOOP BADOOP! A breath for joy, for appreciation of what was and excitement for what is coming.
  8. Thankfulness. So much is good. Moving forward on the Playground op and on the house op and other forms of Releasing, and there is much steady Slowly But Surely, and this helps. Finally set a date for the next big op with the beautiful boy. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!

Operations completed. Wham boom!

Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code meaning: this thing is done! Shortened to wham-boom.

Even more Playground-emptying. Sent out not one but TWO Internalship ebooks. Did a bunch of writing about important stuff. Prepping the new op. Thank you fractal flowers and thank you, FLOOP! Wham Boom.

Revisiting some wise words from past-me.

Creating safety for the panicky jitters

Superpowers I had this week…

I had the power of appreciating something I have that I didn’t know I had.

Powers I want.

I want, again, the superpower of Totally Unfazed By Any Of This. And I want the power of I Let Myself Really Know What I Want Instead Of Hiding It From Myself Out Of Fear.

The Salve of I Let Myself Really Know What I Want.

These invisible salves are distributed here by way of internet magic. Help yourself! Take it in a bath, as tea, a cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

This salve reminds me a little bit of chamomile in that it is so much more soothing than it has the right to be, and it reminds me a little bit of tiger balm in that it wakes me up more than I think it will. Calming and invigorating, in equal doses.

When I wear it, I feel safe, steady and also revitalized, ready.

Suddenly is so much permission. Yes, it may be that the monsters are right and I will discover that the thing I want is not currently an option. However, it is much more likely that I can integrate aspects of what I want right now. And that knowing my desire cannot hurt me, even when I think it will tear apart my life.

When I wear this salve, I trust more and stop agonizing over details. I get out of my thinky-head and sink into quiet spaces of faith. I approach the fountain with reverence: here, fountain, let me show you my pain, instead of approaching the fountain with complaints and or not allowing myself to approach it at all.

This salve eases and releases, which is so perfect because this is the Year of Easing & Releasing. It is safe to know, it is safe to love, it is safe to desire, it is safe to turn inward and meet myself as I am in this moment, with sweetness.

This is a hell of a salve, is what I’m saying.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

This week’s band is from Agent Anna, and she actually made ALBUM ART for this one, which I can’t get to right now for complicated reasons but trust me, it is awesome and I think the Fake Band of the Week should always have album art. The band is called Intimacy Sluts, their latest album is Mediocre At Routine, and it might or might not be just one guy.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

There is still time to join the Secret Sword Society, embarking at the end of February! It’s the only thing I’m doing this year, and it’s also temporarily half-off for current members of the Floop…

And I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.

So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.

I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.

Come play if you like…

Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

The Fluent Self