What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

 

G L I M P S E

Door of Vitality

Glimpses of a glimpse

My secret word is GLIMPSE,
I don’t know what this means but
can’t wait to find out.

For sure it is about perception, proprioception, perspective,
a door that is an invitation, light streaming through,
a sense of could be — or already is,
newness, expansiveness, arriving,
sparks sparking,
(a glimpse!)

This is a wish for June and beyond.

The superpower of Living/Loving The Transitions

This is another June wish,
let’s skip a stone and learn more:

What does it mean to live/love the transitions?

Not everything happens with ease, this is true, most things don’t,
and so we slow it all down,
bringing more attention to both the openings and the constriction,
asking what would bring more ease,
in movement and in stillness and in
this complicated thing of being alive.

I’m pretty sure the in-between is not only EQUALLY important to
both the previous and upcoming moment/action/situation/location,
transitions might even be more important,
because entry is everything.

Entry Is Everything

Entry and exit,
the inhale and exhale of life,
[enter as you wish to be in it / exit as you wish to continue]

The transition is the place of Intention and Naming,
and therefore the place of MAGIC, not to mention…

Voyage > Destination

And anyway how we voyage alters not only where we end up but how we experience it,
so here is the real question…

Questions

How can I voyage (aka breathe, live, dance, cry, flail, write, work, play)
with intention and vitality?

What would it feel like to lovingly tend to the transitions
instead of my default approach
aka ignoring them, resenting them, fighting them, or
just wishing they weren’t so fucking complicated
what would that be like?

What if each problem is really actually just a challenge, and
a challenge is really only a mystery, and
a mystery is actually something I get to play with,
and so here I am, playing,
with words and listening, with watching and waiting,
trusting that each new glimpse will reveal more…

This is a wish for June and beyond

Keys

I tucked my car key in my pocket,
and Slightly Wiser Me said
hey babe, you want to put that on your keychain,
and I ignored her,
possibly I already felt too rushed?

Or, more likely, I figured it was just general advice for
some time in the future.

Later that day she told me,
very clearly and firmly,
she needed me to show up twenty minutes early to [thing],
this was of vital importance,
so I did.

The next sequence of events is foggy and unclear,
I parked, and then, somehow, in between removing the key and
reaching for my bag,
the key mysteriously flung itself over my shoulder
and disappeared under the seats.

Keys open things

So here I am on the hottest day
twisting myself around inside a small broiling vehicle,
searching with fingers and body for one key,
and this car currently houses everything I own in the world,
and I can’t leave
because I can’t lock the car
because I don’t have the key!

Can’t even open the door because I’m on the busiest street,
and can’t drive away (because the key is gone)
or turn on air conditioning or open windows (because the key is gone),
and I am losing my mind from the heat and the tightness.

Slightly Wiser Me

“Wise-me!”, I call,
and she is kind enough not to say I-told-you-so,
she reminds me to breathe through the tears, and to trust in
All Is Well,
as well as logic and truth:

(the key exists, it can be found)
(simple solutions will reveal themselves when I stop panicking)
(drink water and thank past-you who refilled water bottles)
(ahhhhhhhhhhh)

Thank you

And, with that thank-you-exhale, my fingers find the key,
I arrive at my appointment seconds before they lock the door.

Thank you, Wise Me,
you were right you were right you were right
about all of it,
also hey guess what, my key now lives on a ridiculously findable keychain
and I arrive twenty minutes early everywhere I go,
because Entry Is Everything…

Birds, again

You guys! Remember that time a bird
nearly pooped on my head but
missed by a hair (ha! by a hair!)
because Incoming Me told me to stop where I was,
and I listened?

More listening,
with love.

This is a thing that can be hard for me to remember:
as much I instinctively rebel against anything resembling authority,
my internal wise knowing just is.

It is external Perceived Authority that requires dismantling,
Slightly Wiser Me has nothing but unconditional love for me,
whether I follow her suggestions or not,
she holds unwavering trust that no matter what I do,
I will find my way to her.

Trust

I will find my way to her, yes.

May I trust her as much as she trusts me…

This is another wish for June and beyond.

Plenty

Many astonishing things happened to me in May the month of Plenty,
some painful and some straight-up miraculous,
and I was trying to name them all
for this passage (because Entry Is Everything)
into this new Month of Vitality,
and then the barista bought my drink,
ah, hello Plenty, there you are again, and I got distracted,
and now Slightly Wiser Me wants my attention again…

She: This can be so much easier than you think
Me: It can?
She: FOLLOW THE NOs
Me: Wait, is that Follow The Nose or Follow The [No]s?
She: Sure. The instinctual sense of what is not yours, and also, yes, what smells right to you. Trust your wise mammal, your panther self. Cultivate that.

What would it be like to never doubt my no and
never doubt my nose?
And what if my [No]s is a version of my [KNOWS],
and following my nose is trusting what I know,
aka what she knows,
and maybe that is the same.

Another wish for June and beyond

A moment of Glum

Me: Slightly Wiser Me! Talk to me. I am feeling very glum right now
She: That’s allowed.
Me: I want to be a glamorous 1960s cat-burglar played by Audrey Hepburn. Fun and playful and limber and alive. A charming troublemaker with a good heart. Clad in black, flaunting authority, speaking French when needed, I am imagining croissants are vital in this movie. But what do I do when Audrey Hepburn is feeling too glum to come up with plans for the awesome heist that restores the jewels/maps to their rightful owner? I mean, yes, she is charmingly glum, but what do we do with that?
She: I think we can let her mourn how genuinely hard things have been lately.
Me: Okay good point, and then what?
She: Well my love, there is no Then What.

Trust, again

Me: That’s what I don’t get. Does that just mean, okay, whatever emerges emerges? Or is that, like, some deep thing about how There Is Only Now, and if so, what am I supposed to do with that when there is so much glum?
She: The plot will resolve itself, it always does, no one has ever made a movie where the heroine just glumly gazes out at the rain for the entire thing. Okay, possibly in some very French art film. But this is not how a caper goes, and your movie is a caper. This is just a moment, and you need to trust that this moment is relevant to the plot, and also that it will pass.
Me: Huh.
She: Allow the moment to be the moment. Trust the filmmakers and the directors and the actors and the casting people and the people who do the cool rain effects. They have this under control.

Invoking superpowers for the month of Vitality

Wild Vitality
Trust What I Know / Follow The Nose
I Am The Wild Sensualist
Entry Is Everything
I Love the Transitions / I Live In The Air
My Glow is Palpable / My Boundaries Are Palpable
Everything With The Greatest Of Ease
All Good Intentions Shine Through (mine and those of others)
Hey That Was So Much More Fun Than I Expected
Delight In Life And Aliveness
Yes To Self-Cherishing And Self-Treasuring
Everything Is A Warmup For Resting
Doing Nothing Is A Secret Tryst With Incoming Me
Part The Seas For My Magnificence (I See My Own Glow)
What Is In The Pot Can Change Based On How I Enter The Moment Of Removing The Lid
Presence, Grace, Embodied Fullness of Right Here Right Now
Breathe And Breathe Some More
Everything In Its Season
Yes To The Yes And No To Everything Else
Minimal Effort Maximum Magic
All The Best Surprises
Bells Ring
It’s All In The Bag

May it be so. For June and beyond…

Is there anything else I want to put into the pot for June?

I am focusing on internal space and being
the most fierce, fearless and sometimes even straight up intimidating
glorious Panther of glowing boundaries,
may this echo into the world and
may we all be less swayed by the immense fuckery going on in the world
which is indeed immense, amen.

And I am feeling-imagining
how my spine and pelvis are made of jewels, as is my crown
(the crown of my head and the invisible crown),
trying to remember that regal, grounded composed and powerful are
inside me somewhere, part of my nature as
a mammal, an embodied being, a beautiful spirit playing inside
this game of figuring out how a body works,
in all its limitations and in all its capabilities.

My mission is to strengthen my awareness,
heal any residual amnesia
aka the parts of me who have forgotten embodied presence,
and to feel/awaken this aliveness
inside me,
may it be so…

{ANNOUNCEMENT!}

I am still working on putting together a page for crowdfunding purposes that can double as a way for people who read to express thank-you-and-love for my work in the world, as well as a way for me to express thank-you-and-love in return, in the form of some if not all of the cool things that I’m currently working on — which you can read about in the last post! If you’re on the list, you’ll get a note, and I will try to post about it soon too.

THANK YOU.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

Consider the joy factor / May it be plentiful

Door of Plenty

Content note!

Aka a loving reminder to read this with a steady force field…

This post deals in part with neurodivergence and unique brains, and I have found that this topic is a People Vary thing — some people find diagnoses comforting and useful (“Ah! This way I am has a name! And now I have a community and more information!) while other people react negatively to having labels given to their unique way of being, and do not wish to be diagnosed.

I myself am in the latter camp (just for me, not for anyone else), though yes I am absolutely somewhat spectrumy on the magical unicorn spectrum, and I do self-identify as Highly Sensitive (aka Sensory Processing Sensitivity) as well as High Sensation Seeking, all of which are considered traits and not disorders.

I personally reject the word “disorder”, but the point of this preface is really just to help us remember the principle of People Vary. People Vary! As do vocabulary choices and preferences. Or: How I experience the world does not need to be how you experience the world! So if you happen to be in the camp of Oh Thank God For My Diagnosis And Having A Name For This Is The Best, please know that I support you completely in this, and have lots of love for you. See also Laura’s wise words!

an apple

My uncle sent me off to motorcycle school,
tucking a shiny red apple into the top of
my motorcycle boot,
I found it when I woke up
and felt loved and cherished and supported

instead

It is so good that my life is now populated by
the kind of people who don’t say any of
the things my monsters say
for example
he could have said
[THIS IS SO DANGEROUS] or
[WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ARE YOU SURE ARE YOU SURE] or
[BUT WAIT WHAT ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL/DIVERGENT BRAIN]
and instead he said [apple]

translations

I translated the apple to mean
I love you and want your life to be full of joy!
as well as related things like
hey you’re going off to school!
and: nourishment and sweetness for you!

I quit motorcycle school after the first twelve minutes of the second day

The first day was excruciating for my special brain in a very particular way*,
but day two was when it all fell apart

I have HSP superpowers and sensory processing superpowers
and possibly also some Michael Scofield superpowers**
and I take in oh a hundred times more
information and input from the world than most people,
and can get very overwhelmed very quickly
especially when I need to do physical things

(and I vehemently reject the word “disorder”)
(because I am not disordered)
(there is nothing wrong with me)

but these do make motorcycle school a challenge

* The classroom time was EXACTLY like the nightmare in which I am sent back to high school as an adult, by the time the other students could find an answer on the page after repeatedly guessing wrong, I’d already memorized the entire manual and was straight up losing my mind with boredom, but as soon as we got to the range and had to work on muscle memory, I was completely lost…

** Did you know that low latent inhibition anagrams to Into A Billionth Twine? Did you know that my crush on his character knows no bounds? A hero whose brain is not like mine but is different in kind of a similar way, and who uses this to pull off a genius prison break! YES PLEASE MORE PLEASE!

(more whispered parenthetical asides)

(What if the thing that is actually disordered
is not us but our culture and its
total lack of understanding or curiosity
vis a vis the magical unicorn spectrum!)

(What if we could all find more appreciation for neurodivergence,
and build a new culture that celebrates it!)

(What if I am in fact a wild witchy wonder with superpowers, how magnificent!)

out

So of course, as the monsters keep reminding me,
as pretty much anyone could have predicted,
not only can I not handle an eight hour day of sensory input
(and people and their energy and being observed),
but of course the actual motorcycle riding part of the training was
too overwhelming and fast-paced for a Havi, I was slowing everything down,
the instructors were impatient with how slow I was
even basic shit like figuring out how to turn the bike on,
I could not keep up

And I noticed I was disassociating
which seems like probably not the best for operating a vehicle
so I left

wise me in the wings

I knew, even in the moment of leaving,
somewhere deep in my body-mind,
that this was a good choice for a Havi,
because Wise Me is full of compassion and truth, she knows
that exiting the training is truly the embodiment of
my life goal of extreme self-treasuring,
and anyway the point of this mission was not to achieve anything but to
[be brave and show up and try and learn how I need to learn],
and hey now I can set up my own training at my own pace,
and re-take the course later
when I feel ready
but

but

But the Loud Monstrance of self-recrimination was too noisy,
and I could not access Wise Me,
even as I could feel her love,
the monsters were too many, and everything they had to say
seemed extremely reasonable in the moment,
do you want to hear what they said?

[here is some of what the monsters said!]

ugh you are so bad at life AND
you just wasted hundreds of dollars AND
you set back feminism by two hundred years by being the woman who quits without even trying AND
the faraway cowboy was so excited for you and now he won’t love you AND
ugh the shame of having told people you were getting your endorsement AND
now everyone thinks you’re scared of riding when really you just hate being slow,
why do we process so slowly and lose our grounding so fast,
yes, you are bad at life in a basic way that is just insurmountable
and you will never get to learn exciting new things because it costs
so much more time and money just to be you and to
make any learning experience accessible
so what’s the point

Consider the Joy Factor

A favorite yoga person named Brie often says
about the pose we are in, when considering variations of it or
if we want to do it at all…

Consider The Joy Factor

my joy for motorcycles and for new skills is high
but my joy factor in
that particular training was in the negative thousands,
so if the yoga of life is, as I believe it to be,
practicing kindness, awareness, non-violence and self-cherishing
through [remember to breathe] and [consider the joy factor],
well, yeah, let’s consider the joy factor here
and maybe I can stop judging myself for having made/received
a Safety First choice based on that

to the labyrinth

I exited the training and didn’t know what to do
to get back inside of my body
but then I remembered the Book of How A Havi Works
and the useful guideline of
{BREAKFAST MAKES THINGS BETTER!}
so I did that, which helped a lot, and then to the labyrinth
which I walked three times,
asking it to show me what to do with all this
shame-regret and self-recrimination
and of course it said many wise things
as labyrinths do

and hey, monsters, guess what, people who do NOT have my “disorders” tend to have a much harder time hearing the beautiful things that labyrinths say, even though labyrinths are pretty much constantly saying beautiful things, so I’m not sure why having EXTRA abilities is so deeply misunderstood, but what if we just pause to celebrate everything that I am instead of stressing out over what I am not

here is what the labyrinth told me

Round one: YOUR MAGNIFICENCE HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD, so do not discount it, and also please remember that treasuring your pace is self-treasuring

Round two: Hey listen, how you are as a human is okay, and your okayness is in no way changed by this experience, and guess what, you are allowed to want what you want (in love, in motorcycles, and in all things)

Round three was a doozy, as it always is, and it said this:

THERE IS A STEADINESS THAT IS YOURS
it is your inheritance as a human, it belongs to you,
but to claim it you must HONOR YOUR BOUNDARIES
(so much more than you do now),
and set clear expectations of what you need,
as early as possible
(and much earlier than you think)

architecture

My friend said to me,
I’m glad there is so much good architecture in your unconscious,
and she said this in response to a dream I had about spare rooms,
but I’m pretty sure she meant this in other ways as well

I too am glad for all this good architecture
in my unconscious
and for the rhythms that live inside me
in my pulse, heartbeat, breath, all of it,
and for the immense good fortune of having found such wise friends

speaking of wise friends

I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through that day, when I left the training in tears, and the faraway cowboy was nowhere to be found, for days, and I could not find Wise Me either, and it was so painful…

So I feel especially thankful not only for my good internal architecture, but for my wise and loving friends who texted their support when I felt so lost and alone, let’s breathe in their wisdom and love again!

WISDOM from my wise friends

Agent Emdee: UNDILUTED LOVE. And headspace protection from BS of all forms (community college classroom, cultural crap, the noise of everything). Welcome to the club of “I tried that and quit after fifteen minutes”, it’s a big club and I know you’ll like all the people in it. And the biggest trophy for listening to your body’s wisdom, it said no, and that is that. You will later learn why. And even though right now it might feel like it’s about motorcycles, it’s not. Your body gave you a major, solid piece of no information and you followed it, and I admire that.

Lucky Lola: Agent, you are so brave and badass fierce for recognizing your NO in that moment and acting on it. Building new pathways for action requires time and clues. Riding a motorcycle requires balance, which you have in such abundance. It is normal to give yourself time to integrate a new balance between you and machine. So much love!

Lady K of Jewels: I’m glad you’re so psychic so you can feel all the love and amazed at your ability to have your own back and not get swept into expectations. It’s revolutionary. Good on you for taking your own side enough to act on your realization. Also, you could never set feminism back. Asserting that there are multiple ways of showing up in the world and in learning situations is the MOST feminist action you could take.

Sailor L: You did an amazing thing! You got out of a place that wasn’t right. Leaving and not putting up with that culture is next level feminism, it’s so important to be able to say, nope, this doesn’t work with my boundaries, bye.

B of Bliss: Most people don’t even try to do things that rattle them, so we don’t see them crash and burn (you like bad puns, right?) which makes it even more spectacular when we do. And you are really smart and good at lots of things, which makes it harder (for the monsters) when you happen to struggle with something.

Agent Sloan: Ohyesyesyes leaving was clearly a good move. And also motorcycles will still be there, so all is well.

Star Ally: You challenge yourself with really hard new things! And once you figure things out you are so good at them, so there must be something really great about how you learn, even if initially frustrating in how it differs.

Also I just realized that all my friends are people I know from Rally aka from this blog, so that’s kind of amazing too.

What is my real wish around motorcycles?

To feel wild and alive and powerful and free,
what beautiful wishes!

I still want this, I just need a much slower way to learn
maybe I can to develop my own motorcycle-school-for-me to ease me into my wish without forcing

Report from the water

Past-me was so smart and set up float tank time for both before and after
the training (before for calm, after for ease of integration)

And since water talks to me,
because I am witchy and sensitive and I brain differently,
and, possibly more importantly, I listen differently,
I can tell you what the water told me….

I mean, I probably should not admit that water talks to me,
like, possibly that counts as a “pre-existing condition” under the AHCA,
so just telling you this feels like an act of rebellion

I came to the water with a Wish and a clear Intention

To learn in my body-mind how to be more of a badass,
and to believe-and-remember:

I am such a badass
Motorcycles are intuitive and fun for me
MY GLOW POWER IS EXCEPTIONAL!
I AM AT HOME IN MY POWER!
My boundaries are stellar

(I trust my wise instincts completely)
(I am able to see how I did the right thing)
(I am treasure and now I know how to better treasure myself)

Wisdom received from the water, round one

Crown is not something you earn,
it is something you remember and adjust.

Your boundaries are sacred.
You don’t earn these either, it just is.

This is something you get better at over time,
acting like nothing is ever as valuable as your boundaries.

Badass is innate, not a thing you get a license for.
You just remember that you are X, it’s not about training for X.
Or, you train in X through remembering that you are X.

You are TOUGH, FIERCE AND WILD already, it is your embodied nature.
All you have to do is remind yourself.

Wisdom from the water, round two

I made of love and actually
EVERYTHING IS MADE OF LOVE,
so my only job is to — TRUST LOVE MORE (YES) —
to feel love and treasure myself unconditionally,
writing on my body to tell it how exquisite it is,
and love my beautiful neurodivergent brain (I AM A WONDER)

Fires, again, and trusting love more

The cowboy of the clan of Lovemore eventually came back and tried to casually toss some
sweetness logs on a fire that was no longer there,
and I was like, buddy how do you not even realize you’re just
putting pieces of wood on the ground
where a circle of stones happens to be
that is not even how fires work
and maybe you were avoiding the sputtering embers but
the thing to remember with this fire
is not that it might burn your house down if you forget it
but that it might not be there to come back to,
and then I wanted to cry but I just felt nothing for a long time

I don’t want to feel [nothing]
I want to trust love more
I want a love that celebrates me
and I really want to stop caring about how other people love me
and be present with my heart,
awake to my own magnificence

This is related to the identity mysteries
and the motorcycle mysteries
and all this work of life,
now I know my wish

What are my wishes?

If it is mine, it returns to me,
not attached to results,
I am here to treasure myself and my beautiful brain,
at home in my own fieriness,
and in my waters,
in my commotion and in my quiet

May it be Plentiful.

Guess what the superpower of the month of May is
as determined aka received by past me last September

{{{{{{BOUNDLESS JOY!}}}}}

The fact that I forgot-and-rediscovered this while writing
this post on the topic of Consider The Joy Factor
well, that is pretty great

Wait, an aside

Honestly you guys it feels surreal to be writing about Plenty (or about anything) while grieving what happened today in the House of Representatives when they voted to screw over the American people and deny us health coverage.

As you may be aware, things in the United States have taken a turn for the authoritarian, with fun new developments like a woman facing a year in prison for having briefly cough-laughed at the Jeff Sessions confirmation hearing, and now this “healthcare” bill that, if passed by the Senate, will deny coverage to millions of citizens based on absurd pre-existing conditions (for example, sexual assault will be a pre-existing condition, so no woman will ever report assault because then we can’t actually get medical treatment, and if you’ve ever been sexually assaulted aka if you are a woman and alive, you may be less inclined to share information which could help other women), and this new system will disproportionately harm native women, people of color, trans people, people with disabilities. Oh and hey, police are still killing black children, with zero consequences, while a known and admitted sex offender and his fascist buddies are in the oval office figuring out how speedily can they destroy the planet in a “get rich quick then kill everyone scheme”, so yeah, things are not great and I cry every time I call my representatives.

And, at the same time…

And, at the same time, now more than ever,
it is time to focus on what is plentiful
breath, tears, purposeful rage, love that comes from within me for me,
fierce self-treasuring
standing up for what I believe in, ready to fight
in May, the month of Plenty
so let’s breathe
and breathe and breathe some more,
and take care of ourselves so we can do what is needed

May the month of Plenty

May the month of Plenty be Plentiful
May, the month of Plenty, may it be plentiful,
and may (may!) I remember that the thing which is plentiful is joy,
joy is what plenty is about,
and let there be plenty of this as well,
this remembering which is everything

may all of our wishes be received with love,
may we receive ourselves with love

{ANNOUNCEMENT!}

I am in the process of putting together a page for crowdfunding purposes aka solving a current scary dilemma, which is not the most fun for me, but I am trying to remember that this is also a way for people who read to express thank-you-and-love for my work in the world, as well as a way for me to express thank-you-and-love in return, in the form of some if not all of the cool things that I’m currently working on — which you can read about in the last post!

Anyway, if you’re on the list, you’ll get a note, and I will try to post about it soon too.

THANK YOU.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

Some things I want to say with love and with fire

So many / how many

There are so many things I want to say here, too many,
so many that I can’t possibly say them or name them,
but: is this true?

What if we made an opening in time
a space in which to whisper and shout,
to name whatever wishes wish be named, for thirty three minutes,
with no guidelines and no expectations, other than
BE HERE (to the best of my ability)
BREATHE (to the best of my ability)
SPEAK TRUTH (to the best of my ability)
and, always, SAFETY FIRST, how can I make myself
as comfortable as possible
within the discomfort of
these other brave and quiet things,
what do I long to talk about and share words
(with you)

Some of the many things I want to write about!

  • setting even more things on fire
  • what I received from four years as someone who [seeks shelter from the world inside of non-verbal space]
  • the most essential concepts from this body of work, the legacy of our past twelve years here
  • my intense desire to dismantle the entire culture of expertise, let us be completely done with making anyone a guru of anything, burn it all to the ground, let us all learn how to approach each other as equals, cultivating the ability to access, hear, and value our own internal wisdom, learning what we wish to from others without ever needing to elevate them onto pedestals or knock them down, let’s undo the cultural idea that someone else has our answers, that someone else needs to be the guide
  • I want to write about FLALALEELALOOLA which was secret code shorthand at my retreat center, and everyone knew what it meant which was, “I have so much love for you, and this question you are asking me is not actually mine to answer so this is me returning it to you with love and warmth”
  • I want to write about Panthers and Serendipity and Slow Emerging, things that are luscious and unexpected and return me to presence and wildness
  • naming words/concepts/metaphors which need to disappear forever from our collective state of mind, and letting new names and new forms come in
  • wild self-treasuring and what it means to trust in timing — because when it is not the time for something, it is okay that it is still not the time for that thing
  • returning to the water / returning everything to the water

Connection

Connection is about grounded presence and powerful boundaries,
just like writing and breathing and truth

Connection is vulnerable and beautiful and always new,
just like writing and breathing and truth

I knew this from dance, but I received it from
a long circuitous voyage into my own quietest places

Connection with other people asks of us to connect first
to ourselves, our bodies, our grounded presence, our clear intention,
this is how we show up as equals,
ready to play

Here is the short version of what I believe

No experts are required, and in fact expertise itself is bullshit
because the work (and play!) of self-fluency
is about how we listen to ourselves and discern, over time,
through paying attention and experimenting,
learning to trust what we already know,
becoming experts in our own internal worlds, in the art and science of
taking exquisite care of ourselves
in the ways that are most right for us in that moment
(because People Vary)

And slowly over time we also get better at feeling
what we need and want, as well as
who-and-how we are in the world,
meeting all of that with as much love and
compassionate understanding
as we can muster
in a given moment

Back to the fire

Let the fire consume the entire culture of expertise,
of advice and five steps and eight tips and
“once I was just like you” and all
the ongoing rigged game propaganda
that continuously encourages us turn to external sources
so that they may reveal the answers

When in fact someone else can only ever model or describe
their own path to their answers,
or an approach which currently works for them

And their answers do not have to be our answers,
at most someone else’s beautiful learning holds
clues and inspiration for us
and this is lovely and more than enough

As equals

Let us dismantle the entire culture of
[there are these people out there who have the answers],
and invent a new world together in which
it is so very clear that we are all equals
in this ongoing process of life, each of us figuring out
our own [right way for right now],
sharing ideas, concepts, experiments, techniques, discoveries, methodology,
but without grasping for something we think is outside of us,
and without giving anyone else our power
through imagining that they might be the ones
who have our answers

That mentality doesn’t exist of course in the culture of my business or
my life, but right now I want to burn it down in the outside world as well,
the time has come

Looking out to look back in

Right now I am thinking about
what I want to write and create
and also what do I want to make that is
of most use — and joy! — to you guys,
something to support people in
playing with ideas and concepts without me,
delving into their own process and their own practice of self-fluency

And maybe I’ll just turn this into a survey and ask you
which of the following possible things that either exist or will exist soon
feel most yes for you
with the understanding that of course I will
still end up going with whatever feels right for me
(because this question may be directed towards you
but of course really it is for me)
(Flalaleelaloola, again, always!)

the point though is that you are absolutely welcome and invited to
let me know in the comments if you feel enthused about any of these!

The list

  1. The Collected Posts. Sixteen of my very favorite pieces of writing published here over the past years. They’ve been carefully edited and in some cases expanded upon, and are now an exceptionally beautiful ebook, with blank pages in between for taking notes or skipping stones or if you want to do your own writing and processing, because of course writing belongs to all of us.
  2. The Book Of [Not-Advice] for Writing, aka so yes okay, this one still needs a title but as we already know, I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ADVICE-GIVING SO THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT ADVICE, and also I HAVE NO INTEREST IN PERCEIVED EXPERTISE SO THIS IS NOT THAT EITHER, but more like, The Way I Think About The Process Of Writing Which Is Not The Way Anyone Else Needs To Think About Writing But Could Be Useful Or Inspiring Or Intriguing For People To Read About Without Thinking That The Way I Do Needs To Be The Way Because It Doesn’t. Or hey here is the approach I use with myself when I am writing things that want to be written, or here are wise things I know that that I would offer with love to past-me, or these are the reminders that wise-me gives hesitant-me when I am all in knots about writing. This one has not yet been written but I have a giant notebook full notes and so much to say about this, and the conscious self-fluent approach which is my legacy.
  3. The Book of Salves, aka A Soothing of Salves. Those of you who have been around for a while remember that we used to invent a salve here each week, and these were extremely magical and reading them made everything better. I have curated a collection of my very favorites and rewritten them.
  4. The Book of Superpowers is the same thing but for superpowers, this one need some editing but are close to being ready to come into the world.
I may also at some point go back to offering sessions with a Havi, aka Secret Agent Rendezvous aka Not Coaching but sovereign collaboration among equals, for people who already know I don’t have their answers and don’t need me to have their answers and are ready to show up as equals to play together and be magic. I can also create a self-guided DIY training manual that people can use to develop/hone the skill sets needed to either do the above, or *skip* the above, and then I am not needed at all, which is a marvelous thing, and in fact Not Being Needed is not only what I want, it has been the whole point of this work from the very beginning in 2005.

Other wishes on my mind

Some wishes and intentions as I feel into the transition from this month of Serendipity into whatever comes next…

TFB (Total Fucking Badass), EMBODIED
SURPRISINGLY EASE-FILLED SOLUTIONS: I OPEN MY EYES AND THERE THEY ARE!
I AM MY WILD SELF / TRUE TO MY WILD HEART
YES I AM FIERY SO WATCH OUT WORLD
I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF FIRST (AND HONOR MY YES)
NOTHING LIKE A GOOD MYSTERY!
STRIDING TOWARDS FREEDOM & SUSTAINABILITY
LIBERATION & DELIBERATION
FIERCE & FEARLESS
POWERFUL, STRIKING, CROWN ON, REGAL AF
YES I AM A PANTHER
PART THE SEAS FOR MY MAGNIFICENCE
MY FORCE FIELD IS A WONDER aka
{{{{{PRESENCE}}}}}}

Superpowers

And I call on the superpower of My Superpower Is Healing,
which is an excellent double-triple meaning.

Healing things is my superpower,
but/and/also: my superpower, whatever it may be,
is in the process of healing and becoming whole and revealing itself to me,
and also my superpower IS A HEALING for me, just by existing.

Current Secret Ops (of Wilding and Rewilding)

To be renamed at some future point….

  • Panther Integration
  • Goodbye To Ninety Percent Of The Things
  • Acquire Motorcycle License?
  • Dissolve The Ink
  • Pay The Thing
  • Climb A Pole
  • What Does The Basement Need
  • Run Away To South Dakota But Not Really
  • But Really Mexico
  • Replace A Ninja
  • Retreaaaaaaaaat!
  • Not Your Typical Bond Girl After All
  • Smash The Patriarchy And Set Things On Fire

Invocation

May we all have the superpowers we need,
in the moment we need them,
or something even better,
and may we all find it easier to
notice what helps us take better care of ourselves and what doesn’t
as we go through this complicated thing of being alive
in these especially challenging times,
and I wish my wishes with love,
knowing-and-trusting that
the process of wishing wishes is a way we can
come together and glow love towards each other
and delight in everyone’s beautiful wishes!

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code. And yes, you are welcome to share excitement about any of these possible products which might be coming out soon, and if any in particular speak to you, let me know!

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!