What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

The superpower of softening from inside the place of stuck (and other superpowers of superpowers!)

Softening from inside the place of stuck

Sometimes when things get stuck or feel stuck, or I have gotten completely lost inside of the perception of Everything Is Stuck*, and am wheel-grinding hard, I just stop everything and make up some superpowers.

I like this practice because it is uncomplicated and light-hearted. Name what you want! Anything is a superpower!

Superpower of Ta Da! Anything Is A Superpower! Including This!

* hahahaha, how often does this happen, that I get so stuck in the monster-story of stuck that I can’t even see how it is a story, a million times a day?

Change Your Luck

The act of naming and invoking asks me to bring to the forefront a more creative and playful part of me, which is its own superpower. And, this part is important, often this approach is much more effective at getting me past the sticky situations than trying to solve them from Thinky Brain.

Superpower of Solved Through Goofing Off!

Superpower of Add Some Dionysian to your Apollonian, if ya know what I mean!

The superpowers of naming superpowers include…

Superpower of Capitalization For No Reason Is Fun!

Superpower of Naming Is Invoking

Superpower of I Am A Namer Who Names!

Superpower of A New Name Transforms!

Superpower of Exclamation Points For Days!

Turning clues into superpowers…

I went to yoga while I was in Bend for dance, and the teacher said:

BEFORE THERE WAS ANYTHING, YOUR BODY KNEW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.
LET YOUR BODY DO ITS JOB.

How is that for a superpower for the month of Perspective + Wild Self-Treasuring? It’s amazing.

Come in, come in, superpower of What If I Can Trust My Body To Do Its Job. Come in, come in, superpower of Ready To Get Quiet Enough To Listen To My Body So I Can Get Better At Trusting.

Calling

Yes, calling in superpowers is a perfect practice for this month of Perspective, a shift in internal landscape. And of course self-fluency is all about the relationship between internal and external space.

Internal space = thoughts, feelings, sensation, perceptions, idea-sparks, stories, hypotheses, dreams, wishes, our many selves, entire landscapes within the kingdom of being, and everything from cells to respiratory system (oh, beautiful breath!) to connective tissue to enteric brain, a whole world of embodied aliveness.

External space = the outer form of body and the space immediately around us, expanding outward into our setting, our environment, culture, the air we breathe

Changing something in one always changes something in the other, or in how we experience the other. This principle is at the very basis of self-fluency and Very Interior Design.

We can work in either direction, or both at the same time.

Notice and breathe. Notice and play. Notice and experiment. We claim space, become more embodied, aka the superpowers of Vitality and Prowess.

What superpowers do I want for this day of Righting/Writing?

  • Laser Focus! Solved!
  • I Am Treasure & I Know It
  • Everything in a French Accent, aka Nothing Really Bothers Me aka Eet Eez Fiiiinnne (thanks to Marisa for this one!)
  • I Know I Am The Queen (thanks, Laura!)
  • Set It On Fire And Walk Away In Your Glory!!!
  • Easy Deletion
  • Five Breaths of Wild Appreciation for, as Star says, THE MESSY MAGNIFICENCE THAT IS THE LIFE YOU HAVE TO LIVE AND THE LOVE YOU GET TO HAVE FOR YOURSELF!
  • Transforming Things Is My Favorite Game
  • This Impossible-Seeming Thing Is A Fun Challenge And I Am The Olympian Superstar Of This Fun Challenge!
  • The Wrong Choice Actually Refuels Me With Wild Motivation
  • Anything Is Fuel For Inspiration

What are the next steps? What do I do when I can’t see the next step?

I can move myself in space aka Change My Place Change My Luck.

I can try feeling instead of seeing.

I can ask Slightly Wiser Me.

Really, it doesn’t matter what I try as long as I remember that I get to try things.

Self-fluency is basically the opposite of most other things in the category of self-helpery, for example, we do not ever say that Solution X Is The Solution, because that is silly and simplistic. Especially when X is really just A Thing That Happened To Work For Me.

Self-Fluency is based in People Vary and Let’s Take Exquisite Care Of Ourselves In The Ways That Works For Us In This Moment, and also about experimenting so we can become even more knowledgeable about what does work for us at different times.

I do not ever need your X to line up with mine.

No agenda about what you should try or how you should go about it, the whole point is you get to figure out which techniques appeal to you, and make them your own.

Superpower of rewriting the idea of next steps….

What are the Next Steps? I don’t know but what if the clue is in the letters?

Let STEP stand for whatever it stands for, maybe…

See The End Point
Serene Tranquil Ease of Play
Sixty Three Effortless Plenty
Sexy Times Emergence Period!

Let all next steps be right, which is also the superpower of whichever step I take is the right one because I took it.

Superpower of Dessert First

What does this mean, or what are some related superpowers of Dessert First?

  • Consciously Choosing Pleasure
  • PLEASURE TRANSFORMS THE EXPERIENCE
  • Begin From Joy
  • Begin From Breath
  • mmmm, starting yoga time with shavasana is totally dessert first
  • beginning a first date with a smoking hot kiss is also dessert first, I got to experience this not too long ago and it was [fire emoji for days]
  • beginning a dance with intricate small detail, play and breath in closed position before moving into steps
  • and right now napping instead of writing seems like a “bad” idea (a monster word if there ever was one, but this is what came up) and yet is this clearly the only thing I can do right now, it is indicated, and therefore it is the correct step, what if the nap is dessert-first, and the dessert is transformative?

Gloriously Motivated

I have a conundrum that I just do not know how to solve. Haha I just wrote salve instead of solve! Salves solve solutions, saved by the salves solution, superpowers of this etc.

Let’s transform this [situation that is being read as crisis/crucible] into the biggest miracle of all time with the superpower of PERSPECTIVE.

Aka You Wanted To Be Motivated/Inspired/Refueled And Ta Da Now You Are!

Aka the @jonnysun superpower of “I am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in”

Aka gloriously motivated to solve this mystery immediately.

Here’s to all the superpowers of Gloriously Motivated, what do they entail?

+ I AM A STAR
+ THIS IS WHAT I DO BEST
+ PLAY IS MY BIG WILD JOY
+ BORN TO SMOLDER
+ LET’S DO THIS, RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW
+ RAYS RAISE RAISED!
+ BOOM IT IS HAPPENING

Yes, this is fun.

What happens when we name superpowers?

We interrupt patterns and loops of behavior, and any unexamined internal narrative of stress-and-doom.

We activate the superpower of Receptive To Possibility, which is quite possibly my all-time favorite superpower, other than flying.

We remember that we get to shift perspective using language!

We stand differently and move differently, crown on.

We get to be surprised.

Superpower of good surprises!

Invitation for this post!

Come name superpowers with me. Any you want. If one of someone else’s appeals to you, it is yours too. There is more than enough and then some.

You are also welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes.

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

Rewriting [rhymes with Casino-Royalentines Day]

rhymes with

I have never been a fan of that day,
it might be this week, who can tell,
you know, the one in February, it rhymes with
Eerie-Canalentines Day,
or any of its accompanying nonsense
not in elementary school
and not as an adult

fire

But let us speak truth, I’ve never liked any of these Days
of expectations & assumptions,
spaces in time we are seemingly obligated by culture
to mark and to do so publicly,
for example there is one for mothers and one for fathers,
and both these days can
burn in a fire too as far as I’m concerned

dissonant

Partly it’s an energy thing, they ring false somehow, inorganic,
much in the way that jargon immediately drains all magic from
formerly lovely words sweet in their simplicity,
there is a dissonance to these invented holidays,
as if their resonance is off,
I don’t have a better way to explain it than that,
but that’s not really the problem, is it

whose holiday is this?

The disconnect for me in these days comes from how they
prioritize and center the haves over have-nots while
simultaneously cementing the extremely problematic
— and not-necessarily-true! — notion that[having is always better than not having]

Which might echo the experience of some people, sure, and
at the same time is just not true for others, and,
either way, this approach is not helpful or supportive for
anyone who exists inside the category of
not-having

This remains true whether the not-having is painful or if they are happy with not-having

who is this holiday for?

It is for the people who don’t require a holiday,
that’s the whole thing,
culture already rewards people for having family
or existing inside a conventional relationship form,
it isn’t this that needs to be celebrated

belonging

An inclusive kinder culture is asking to be called in,
one that can welcome everyone who doesn’t
do all the expected shit or live in the expected ways,
whether that’s because they don’t fucking wish to,
or because life is just working out differently,
whatever the reasons, it doesn’t actually matter,
we need to stop celebrating people for having parents or lovers
or those things everyone is supposedly supposed to have-and-want,
and instead create loving, compassionate, safe, okay-to-exist-in new spaces
of BELONGING
for everyone

loving compassionate safe okay-to-exist-in new spaces
of BELONGING

belonging, again

This invitation, this welcoming and including
needs to be a given
and not an afterthought of oh yeah hey
if you don’t have a someone, treat yourself to flowers

which still implies that having a someone is
the right, the desired, the important and the necessary in life,
and that everything else is less-than
or a place-holder,
and, either way, not worthy of celebration,
which is bullshit

let us be clear: the way we (collectively) currently mark these days is not thoughtful

agin, who do we choose to honor and why?

as I said on twitter on mother’s day a few years ago:
It is wholly unacceptable to build a holiday around the haves
in a world of pained and hurting have-nots,
I’m all for gratitude, appreciation and joyful celebration
but why do it in a way that reminds the have-nots of
what they don’t have,
and why imply that it’s what they should want,
if anything it’s the Have Nots who should get a day,
not that I want a day as someone who is mom-less because I don’t,
but loudly celebrating the having in this pain-filled world is not cool

any day at all

I am happy for everyone who has
a mother they love who loves them back,
what a beautiful thing,
please pick a day, any day of the year, any day at all,
to share photos and stories of your
immense good fortune, express your gratitude and love,
I will heart it a million times

just maybe not on that one day

can we really pause to breathe, remembering how our world is full of those who

+ can’t be mothers but wish so dearly they could
+ don’t want to be mothers
+ are trying so hard to get there
+ didn’t have mothers they knew
+ didn’t have mothers they could trust
+ loved and lost a mother or mother-figure
+ were hurt by mothers or mothering
+ are mothers who lost a child
+ got to experience being mothers in the form of almost there and then the loss
+ had to make a painful choice
+ had to say goodbye to a child before even meeting them
+ have been in or are going through post-partum depression
+ are experiencing the deep ambivalence of not-knowing what is yes
and so on

and then just opt out of saying “yay I have this thing that everyone agrees is a good thing to have”

why do we agree to this at all

Why make a holiday that excludes all these people and
potentially reminds them of their pain if they are in pain,
or, alternately, implies that they are lacking in something
even if they are not

like, maybe this is not the best day to pile on the gratitude train
just because it is not particularly warm or welcoming
and this is not how culture should work
(I feel strongly about this)

And yes I know that many people acknowledge the not-having
but you know what would be so much easier and better?
not having exclusionary culture to begin with!

the quiet inside of the quiet

When I was non-verbal, for several years,
people invariably felt sorry for me,
and then they were all so absurdly thrilled for me when
they perceived that I was able to get past this obstacle,
but guess what it never was an obstacle,
shut up and listen, world, this is important:

This time in which I could not handle even the thought of speech
was easily also most peaceful happy period of my life,
these years were a sweet bubble-cocoon of ease and grace
just for me

a scarf

I wore my quiet like a scarf
and a force field and a blessing
it made everything sweet

and easier, in some ways

I was able to just be in the world
without the incessant migraining of[too much input + too much output] finally able to feel high-functioning as someone with
high sensory processing sensitivity / witchy spectrum empath magic
I was more myself, more everything,
even if most people mistakenly perceived me as less

more/less

“It is so lovely to get more of you“, people beam when I
use my vocal folds to make sound,
but they are getting less,
they are getting the filtered Havi Bell,
not the pure-presence bell of joyful HERE I AM
not my light as I could glow it when I didn’t need language
to mediate

assumptions about what is desirable or better: worth examining

legs

Seriously though how shitty would it be
if we had a holiday called Two-Legs Day where everyone with two legs posted online
about how awesome it is to walk on legs

It would be extremely shitty, and for AT LEAST TWO reasons:
a leg-having person has no idea what it is like to be
someone who lives without legs or use of legs or
or sometimes-without-use or without-ease, or lacking sufficient spoons to use legs,
and so it is a silly thing to celebrate,
yes, sure, enjoy your walking, I won’t stop you,
but don’t assume someone else’s life is automatically terrible
because it has a different shape than yours

And also it’s problematic because it says
having is good, not having is bad
which is not true
and not kind, especially given that people can’t actually help
whether or not they have (or even want)
these things we are supposed to want like
legs / a one-someone to love / parents
and so on

this should not actually be at all complicated

Yay Look At Me Walk Day is an obnoxious and terrible idea for a holiday,
and so is Rhymes-with-Carruthers Day
and so is Rhymes-with-Blaise-Pascalentines Day
and yet here we are

what do we know

Right, enforced romance and expectations of wanting romance is also
about haves/have-nots as well as the fraudulent notion that
having is better, this day is nonsense but also it is here,
so we are going to have to rewrite it
since we can’t set it on fire

What else do we know?

1) language is ours, we get to play and invent!
2) we can proxy the hell out of this!
3) we can bring more fun
4) we can practice Safety First and make safe rooms for any aspects of us who find this challenging
5) we can channel our Slightly Wiser Selves who have a more clear relationship with these days, who practice exquisite self-care, who are more at peace in this process of life and aliveness!
6) we can turn inward to focus on what actually matters, making a container for that, like Fairy Self-Godmothering Day which I invented a couple mother’s days ago…

but

But Havi, you say, are you not just
bitter and angry about the three years you spent
loving the beautiful boy who was lying to you for two of those years?

Nope! I mean, yeah, sure, but that’s not what this is,
whether in a connection or not, I want to live in
a culture which makes room for everyone,
and legitimizes the life solitudinal and
the pursuit of pleasure & freedom

Rewriting as a practice is good for painful personal memories,
and for sure this week is hard for me,
it was the week I learned a thing I really did not want to know,
but that is not why I’m writing about this today

transformation

I am interested in transformation, in rewriting, in undoing,
and let’s play

Safety First and let’s play
Investigate story and let’s play
Trust In Right Timing and let’s play
Deconstruct narrative and let’s play
Build something new and let’s play

this is difficult to write about, for many reasons

me: why is this so hard to talk about though
slightly wiser me: because you feel so passionately
and because your ex would text you things like “sweet girl, you’ve got this”, and now this is your job to do it yourself, with me, together, which is better, but also a new way of being
me: how do I write about things that terrify me to say in words
slightly wiser me: Pleasure & Freedom are still your motivation and guiding lights, for writing and for righting, for everything. Clear everything out. Release attachment. Focus on these. Seed these throughout your day. Write towards these. Now.

right, yes, I am the expert in rewriting, what do we know?

Here we are, on [rhymes with Bachannalentines Day!] and yes, the galentines day phenomenon is
super cute and charming, and also it doesn’t work,
not only because it is straight-and-cis-oriented,
but because it will still always be
considered less than,
luckily we can still REWRITE & TRANSFORM the day that
rhymes with Casino-Royalentines Day

Bachannalentines Day! Chaparralentines Day! Rationalentines Day!

Haha this is fun, I could do this all day, and I might

seriously though, why is Casino-Royalentines Day not a thing, let us make it a thing!

Okay here is my plan I will dress up as
Bond Girl and be a TFB (Total Fucking Badass) and
dangerously glamorous,
and devote the rest of the day to wildly treasuring myself
and my relationship with myself, and you are welcome to
join me in this or in your own version of
re-imagining this day!

play in the month of Perspective

February is the month of Perspective,
and the superpowers of Perspective include:
+ change your place change your luck
+ widdershins
+ new eyes
+ new air to breathe
+ words are magic
+ turn inward and listen

And if you missed the invitation to our two weeks of wild self-treasuring (it started yesterday but you can still get in) here’s the link and yes, you can still use the early-signup price, don’t tell!

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes, and of course we can seed wishes, intentions or desired superpowers…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

Into Perspective

Oh, hello day. I needed today. Did you?

Sweet friends, guess what I just realized!
Today is the second of February,
aka Groundhog Day aka The Festival of Do-Overs.

Superpower of Do-Overs Forever!

A breath for this.

We get to try things. A breath for this too.

Yes, we get to try things.
We get to try things again.
We get to try things slightly differently than we have tried them before.
We get to try similar things things and breathe differently, notice the difference,
notice the difference differently!

We get to try entirely new approaches and laugh at whatever happens.

NOW IS NOT THEN.

Sometimes now is eerily reminiscent of then,
but that’s just a reminder that we get Do-Overs,
yes, we can take a new approach this round,
similar challenge, another level of the video game.

Hey guess what, this moment is new.

Superpower of remembering that this moment is new,
a breath for this moment, a breath for its newness,
a breath for perspective.

As a favorite yoga teacher says each time we repeat a posture,
“We’ve been here before, but we’ve never been here before.”

Interestingly, all my favorite yoga teachers,
none of whom know each other and some of whom live in different cities,
have all been obsessively into repetition since the new year began,
maybe this is a clue about approach for this new level of the video game…

Repeat.

Repeat something familiar,
pay attention in a new way,
breathe deeper,
be a resonant bell,
can I allow breath and this question,
this moment of asking,
to turn me into a clear channel
for Curiosity, Receptivity, Playfulness, Wonder, Awe,
all the good in the universe,
glowing these qualities inward and outward,
letting them circulate through my body
and my life, amen.

What if the second/hundredth/thousandth time is the charm,
and what if this happens because I blinked my way into new eyes, new seeing,
hello beautiful awakening month of Perspective

What is mine…

On Saturday I drank wine with my favorite secret agent from Salt Lake
and somehow lost my favorite earring,
then spent three days scouring the streets,
searching everywhere I had been or might-have-been,
whispering a loving reminder in my heart that all is well,
breathing the superpower of Everything That Is Mine Returns To Me,
(and if it doesn’t return, it is not for me)

If it doesn’t return, it was just a beautiful clue, may I receive the redirection gracefully

Redirected.

On Tuesday, the earring was on my doorstep,
perfectly placed, apparently it had been
right in front of me the entire time,
it knows where I live.

Interestingly, along with the return of the earring,
a someone-who-was-gone came back into my life too.

An actual miracle — two miracles! — as well as
an excellent clue about PERSPECTIVE,
which incidentally is our magic word for February.

Thank you, miracles. Thank you, perspective. Thank you, returns and agents of return and agents who return. Gratitude also for the not-returning when that is right. I know so much more about this now than I did a year ago, and am thankful for the learning even if it hurt. Oh my sweet beautiful heart.

The month of Majesty brought us here, so let’s breathe for:

  • Majesty Into Perspective / Majestic Perspective / The Perspective From Majesty
  • What Does The World Look Like (and how does it react to me) when Crown is On and I expect everyone to see?
  • All the combined superpowers of both Maye Musk in her cosmic wonder, and Janelle Monae glowing her powers of Regal As Fuck at the Black Panther premier (she glows just by breathing, I love her), aka MY MAGNIFICENCE IS NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, Wildly Glamorous Bond Villainess Goddess-Queen of Everything Leaving A Trail Of Devastation In My Wake and Incinerating All Bullshit Forever!
  • Thank you, Year of Fiery, for delivering this state of Constant Smolder, turned up to 11, my glow sparks are so fucking hot, full-time slow-burn smolder state!+
  • Surprise miracles and solutions everywhere
  • It All Gets Done With The Greatest of Ease!
  • Wild! Self! Treasuring!
  • Born To Smolder
  • I Treasure My Space, Inside & Out

Back to the moment of the moment.

The other day at the end of yoga, I was feeling,
hmmm, not sure if this feeling has words,
I was feeling passionately-intensely in love with myself,
as if my heart was a glowing love-beacon
and all its love was for me,
a fullness and richness of {love},
an incandescent flower-opening inside.

Then S said: the light in me delights in the light in you,
except I heard it as the delight in me delights in the delight in you,
light-hearted, light-and-delighted, lit up with love.

Lit up from within with love, love and more love.

I feel this in dance sometimes too,
maybe even especially when I dance with myself in the early morning dark,
sometimes I think oh god that was a good dance, I am a star, it is true,
and then I am all HEART EYE EMOJI about myself,
and this is an absolutely amazing feeling,
I wish for more of this perspective
in the Month of Perspective,
in this year of Triumphant,
and turning fiery-one years old!

How is that for a just-right wish to accompany the month of Perspective?

May it be so, for all of us, and even better than that.

Announcement! Well, more like a question!

Hey, remember when we took twelve days (okay it ended up being a bit longer) to immerse in Dedication, Illumination and Mystery? Would you like to do the same with Wild Self-Treasuring and other Majestic Perspectives of Big Self-Love?

If enough people want to play this way, I will set this up for February!

Happy second chances to all of us…

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on the theme of Perspective or anything else, and of course we can seed any wishes, intentions or desired superpowers for this month, trusting that they will indeed come in even after revealing some opposites, whatever you like…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

COME PLAY

A breath. There is so much I want to share with you right now, where do we begin.

With a thread, a flash, a moment, an image, a metallic strand in a tapestry, and then another one. Eventually whatever needs to come into form here will find its shape.

Creation is 90% faith in the creative process and a resulting willingness to let it be both creative and a process (everything is part of it, including the not-creating), and 10% pausing to breathe and be present with how intense it is to create or even think about creating, because self-expression is vulnerable, glorious, fraught, it is about identity and being real, and none of this is easy.

A thread, a flash, a moment.

Once upon a time I walked into a falling-apart forgotten ballroom in Berlin.

And another thread.

Dear part of me who thinks that if something good happens, something bad must follow…

 To be continued….

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on the theme of Majesty, and of course we can seed any wishes, intentions or desired superpowers for this month, trusting that they will indeed come in even after revealing some opposites, whatever you like…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

The Month of Majesty

content warning: heads up that in this piece there will be some talk at one point related to sexual assault, I do not go into detail because not the point and I don’t want my trauma to set off yours, however a strong force field is recommended if this is your stuff too, god knows it is for so many of us, please know that I am glowing love and sanctuary for you!

X vs not-X.

Today we are going to talk about the common if rarely acknowledged life phenomenon of [you decide you’re finally ready to have more X in your life and all you get is the opposite of X].

Haha, and in fact, sometimes you immediately receive the opposite of X, sometimes even in a swift and startling way that makes you question all your life choices.

So fun.

What is X?

Let X = a wish, a hope, something you really want, possibly a quality you’re calling in into your compass to accompany you through this new year.

You did the work of getting clear about what you want, sparklepoints for that!

You invited it into your life, which is brave, vulnerable, admirable.

And now you are receiving not-that! And presumably this feels frustrating and kind of depressing, very understandable that you’d feel that way if you do.

This is a thing that happens, a lot, so let’s take a look at it. With love and with breath.

Maybe we can find some solace, some sweet reassurance, and even more Crown On for the month of Majesty.

First we breathe.

Right, yes, I remember now. This is what it feels like to pay attention to where I live, feel this life force circulating through this container of my body, this body of water and emotion, inhale, exhale.

Breathing to draw attention back to being in a body, which is extra hard when we are lost in the world of screens.

Hi, body, what do you need right now? Hello, temporarily-forgotten sense-memory of embodied.

8 breaths.

A breath of Trust-love. A breath of I Am Here Now.
A breath for Clarity. A breath for we’ve got this, babe.
A breath of how much more gentle can I be with myself and my process.
A breath for even if this is hard to do, hey I’m trying and that is meaningful.
A breath (and a kiss) for X and all the beautiful challenging mysteries of X.
A breath that is a loving heart-sigh for this magnificent heart.

Ah. Better.

We are so courageous even when we forget.

Wishing is subversive and brave, it is courageous and against-culture to make room for ourselves to desire, to want what we want, to investigate our wantings.

I say this often and it is true.

It is hard enough to want, to admit the wanting, to make room for a wish, to welcome it in.

And then when we suddenly receive seemingly the opposite of our wish, that is scary and frustrating and sometimes we don’t want to wish wishes anymore.

I have heard this sentiment reverberate many times throughout the past thirteen (!) years doing this work here. People tell me they feel too wary, too reluctant, too worn down to wish wishes or seed a quality or make a compass, for fear of getting the opposite of X, instead of the X they crave.

A breath for this.

The head pain from a displaced crown.

I called in Majesty as the quality for January, and immediately was hit with every possible boundary-related challenge.

Crown On is the ongoing practice of maintaining my own sense of sovereignty and awareness of agency. And suddenly I had to activate this in every single interaction in my day.

This month has come with endless migraines from people trying be in my head and guess what I might be thinking instead of peacefully staying in their own headspace and using their actual words to communicate.

This of course is a fairly common complication or side effect of being witchy/spectrum-ey/hsp, but I usually have a handle on it. In fact, I thought I’d mostly solved this one for good.

But nope, as soon as the month of Majesty began, so did the return of the migraines, as well as a whole parade of what I call WUSIT, which is an acronym for What Unsovereign Shit Is This.

What is the opposite of Majesty?

On New Years Eve, someone kissed me without my consent, and it goes beyond that because they told me in advance of their plan to kiss me at midnight and I said nope, please do not, I don’t want that, trusting that they understood because we are friends, but then they did it anyway.

Not okay.

Then a total stranger grabbed me into a hug I didn’t agree to and kissed me on the cheek like lalalala HAPPY NEW YEAR, as if this is not 2018 where we all know that consent not only matters, but is everything. I pushed him away, like, dude wtf, but it had already happened.

Then…

After yoga, in the sauna, some dude thought it would be a good idea to tell me about his evening at Hooters the night before. (If you are in Australia or another place where this blessedly does not exist, I believe it is the restaurant responsible for the truly terrible term “breastaurant”).

Anyway, he felt entitled to share with me the details/intensity of the desire he feels towards busty women in short shorts in general and the women who work there in particular. While I, a woman matching that exact description, was stuck in a sauna with him, super awesome.

I gave him the look of ew, and he backtracked, but I am wishing for the retroactive superpowers that would have allowed me to slice through my momentary paralysis and respond with something more direct, like WOW INAPPROPRIATE DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OR ANY WOMAN LIKE THIS OR MAYBE AT ALL EVER.

But of course there is all the programming we have to do from being immersed in rape culture, and I was just trying to remove myself safely from this situation.

And, thanks to related cultural conditioning and internalized misogyny which is also bullshit, was deeply regretting wearing shorts, even though hot yoga is hot, as are saunas, and also I think we can all agree that pants are nonsense, especially in a sauna.

Three sweaters, at least.

And then I cried in the hallway outside, remembering how everyone in the yoga community blamed me after I was assaulted at my very first yoga teaching job.

They said the combination of my too-much over-the-top body and tight clothing (yoga clothes, people, that’s how they fit) had given the studio owner the “wrong idea”, so really the awful things he did could have been avoided if I’d just had the good sense to cover up.

Ugh why would anyone say that, even if it were true, which it’s not. What Unsovereign Shit Is This.
Goodbye forever to this victim-blaming slut-shaming hurtful nonsense.

And for a time I too believed maybe it was the fault of my external container, so, after it happened I only did yoga in sweats and long dresses and sweaters, for a little over a decade, and really, fuck that shit forever.

Treasure.

My container is a magnificent miracle of life and aliveness, and, more importantly, it is mine.

Let me be very clear on this:

Anyone who can’t respect — and treasure — my space, my body, my knowing of self, my decisions, my agency and autonomy can exit my life immediately and forever.

This unwavering certainty is the distilled essence of the month of Majesty.

Comfort.

Someone I only-sort-of-know saw me crying and came to sit by me.

He asked, very respectfully and with kindness, if I wanted a hug or someone to sit and listen, and I did want that, I wanted both those things in that moment, and was happy to receive them and happy for the offer.

So thank you, treasure and comfort that show up to meet my pain. Thank you, experiences of crown-off that make up the circuitous labyrinth path to restoring my sense of crown.

Another friend said maybe I can imagine this like a test, now that I have done all the work on it, this is the next level of the video game, a way to see if I can react better and let it go. Maybe. But still, it’s not okay!

The perils of people-pleasing tendencies aka the opposite of majesty.

I ran into someone I always enjoy running into and gave her my number, because hey maybe some time we could go dancing or catch K’s show together, and I want to come hear her sing.

Except she started sending me daily inspirational motivational-quote texts, and whoa how do I opt out of this, I did not consent to this onslaught of unsolicited affirmations.

Except then of course I got caught-up in people-pleasing (my own WUSIT popping up to meet hers!) and wanting to honor her kind loving intention, so I didn’t set a clear boundary or expectation even though that was what I needed.

Majesty!

It is the month of crown on and everything majestic!

This includes celebrating my own majesty, and my relationship with my internal kingdom — the beautiful complex worlds of my mind, my heart, my intuitive knowing, my memories and experiences, my wishes, my life.

And, thanks to this phenomenon of The Opposite Of X, it is also the month of setting boundaries, the month of clearing my space, and circumventing migraine-situations.

Is the month of Majesty kicking my ass? Yes and no.

It is revealing. It is showing me where my crown is not, showing me where and how to look, with kindness.

Phenomenon.

People like to use various theories of reality to explain the phenomenon of getting the opposite of your wish, but let’s avoid those and keep it simple.

At the most basic level, when we direct our attention to desire in the form of wishing a wish, we are more inclined to notice what isn’t working. And there are monsters.

And when we clear the crud from something, we notice just how much crud before we can see the clearing and the effects of the clearing. Sometimes it kind of just looks like all crud, because so much is coming off to be released.

And, just like walking a labyrinth, the moment when you perceive that you are farthest from center is when you are closest to arriving at the crux of it. A passage that takes you to the edge in order to take you to center.

Just like how boundary work is part of my path to majesty.

What is useful about getting not-what-we-want?

+ when part of the process of towards is away
+ new sight / new perspective
+ whoosh goodbye old layers of crud
+ observing the pattern changes the pattern
+ intention sets newness into motion, I can play with how I react and respond
+ how much kindness can I bring to the observing
+ how do I practice Wild Self-Treasuring even (especially!) in these moments of oh hey this is the opposite of my wish, bringing me closer to the essence of what I wish for

Can we plant some superpowers?

All In Good Timing
Add Compassion And Let It Sit Overnight
So Courageous Of Us To Want What We Want (sparklepoints!)
Whatever We Learn From The Absence Will Bring Us To Treasure
It Is Safe To Learn About My Desires
What A Beautiful Practice
Crown On Crown On Crown On
Glowing These Beautiful Boundaries Until They Hold Themselves
I Perceive Myself With The Loving Eyes & Loving Heart Of Incoming Me

A breath and a bell for this. Resonance resonance resonance.

Welcome, month of Majesty, you are treasure and treasured.

I told a story on Twitter this week when I heard that we lost Dolores O’Riordan, and I will tell you too.

Can’t remember when this was, must be somewhere between 1999 and 2002. A guy in the audience climbed up on stage and she immediately shoved him away from her, shoved him hard, and bolted off-stage.

We stood and waited. However many minutes later, she came back.

She said something like “anyone fucking tries that shit again and we are DONE here”, then immediately switched gears and continued a kickass show out under the stars, such a beautiful night, love her.

I admire her so much, for many things, but right now, especially in this month of Majesty, for that.

For taking care of herself in the moment, for taking care of herself first, for not pausing to consider anything other than protecting her space. Let’s all live by Safety First. Let’s protect our space first.

I WANT TO ALWAYS TREASURE MY PERSONAL SPACE AS MUCH AS SHE DID.

How is that for a just-right wish to accompany the month of Majesty?

May it be so, for all of us, and even better than that.

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on the theme of Majesty, and of course we can seed any wishes, intentions or desired superpowers for this month, trusting that they will indeed come in even after revealing some opposites, whatever you like…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.