Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, evehttp://www.fluentself.com/wp-admin/admin.php?page=wordpress-related-posts&ref=adminbarn when asking feels conflicted.

I invariably discover useful information about my relationship with the thing I think I want, and with the experience of Wanting itself. Join in if you like….

What do I want?

The situation. And background.

I have two big [rhymes with headlines] coming up and I don’t know how these two things are going to get done in time, if at all.

And, unsurprisingly, the monsters and time gremlins have completely taken over. It is one giant monster trance party pride parade extravaganza in here (at least they’re having fun…).

And their favorite song to dance to has only one line — on repeat, at full volume. And it rhymes with You’re So Trucked.

Over and over again. You can’t do this. It’s not going to work. You’re So Trucked.

What I want.

So yes, it is possible that the dates will arrive, and the thing that, according to my perception of the world, needs to be done by then and by me, will not be done. That is one possibility.

However, the You’re So Trucked soundtrack is not helping me with the getting done. And it certainly won’t help if the reality turns out to be that I have to adjust to the idea of these things not being done.

What I want is to consciously, lovingly, playfully mess with and/or replace the current soundtrack.

For example, I could make up my own We’re So Trucked song, to a different tune. And really, as long as I say “trucked”, it’s already kind of better.

I could respond with: My Darlings, Nothing Is Trucked. A la the Big Lebowski.

Or: I’m so ____________________!

I’m so… in luck? I’m so…challenged in a really interesting and unusual way? I’m so…up for this crazy adventure? I’m so…receptive to miracles and good surprises? I’m so…willing to be surprised at how perfect simple solutions can show up for me?

Maybe TRUCK can become an acronym that stands for something secretly fabulous. In secret agent code. Trust Receive Undo Create Key.

Yeah baby. I’m SO TRUCKED. I’m trusting, receiving, undoing and creating keys.

The qualities inside of the wants:

I’m keeping the eight qualities from the past couple weeks, in the same order.

Trust. Release. Steadiness. Ground. Love. Receive. Miracles. Willingness.

And the superpower or sankalpa of remembering that I don’t know the ending yet, there are lots of ways this could work out.

Also the thing my wonderful uncle Svevo says about how the ROI on worry is traditionally pretty low.

What might help?

Commitment. Play. Readiness.

Operation 5am. Can we rename this?

Support from fellow agents. I might enlist this year’s Shellbacks from my Crossing the Line retreat to be my partners in crime on this. I suspect that playing with it at the Floop will help.

What else might help?

Yoga. Breathing. Conducting.

Eight breaths of Trust and Steadiness.

I’m playing with…

I’m allowed to feel scared, frustrated, whatever it is I’m feeling at any given moment. All feelings are legitimate. And: they are not the whole truth of my being or this experience. They are clues about truth, and they are also distortions of truth.

So as much as I want to focus on Getting The Things Done, my real focus needs to be remembering that I am safe and loved, remembering that I can trust my process as a human being, remembering that how I care for my internal kingdom is the real work.

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

• Pause and breathe. Again. Again.
• Things get solved and resolved surprisingly quickly. Either they get done or they reveal solutions, or something shows up that means they don’t have to get done.
• Skipping all the stones.
• Fractal flowers.
• Writing time in large and small pockets.
• Ha, I didn’t think of that but now it’s making everything better.
• Solved!

Repeat-wishes

• Resting into miracles.
• Choosing quiet.
• Left-handed labyrinth.
• Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
• Sound effects for my internal video game.
• Being at the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
• Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
• Well-rested: the first and best well.
• What do I need? What do I want?
• Sweet blissful steadiness.
• Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
• Things that need to come in now are received with love.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Sustainability. Shelter. Focus. Plenty. Safety. Transition. Support. Flow.

And the superpower of eventually this level of the video game is going to be pleasurable for me, so why not start smiling now.

I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: Seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

It just can.

I’m playing with…

Asking for help. Giving myself permission to be a bit of a stressball, because you know what? This situation is actually super challenging, and however I react to it makes sense. Going to bed as early as possible.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Okay, last week..

Last week’s ask had to do with making peace (or peach) with being a HSP, and living with extreme sensitivities.

I got a lot of opportunities to practice this week, and that was hard but also good. So basically: I’m learning a lot.

And I am feeling good about everything that has been planted. Additionally my wishes to sleep like a happy baby and to show Tino beautiful pieces of Portland both came true in surprisingly magical ways.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

This week, this week. So hard.

Well, for me.

Lots of challenge. Lots of pausing to breathe eight breaths.

What worked?

Pausing to breathe eight breaths.

Again and again and again.

Doing it with companionship.

A fellow agent. Texting a friend. The frolicsome bar (what I call our facebook page).

Body.

Setting up my day around when I get to descend to the floor for yoga and breathing.

“I don’t have to like it.”

This week I got lots of information about what I need to do in order to take care of myself.

And I did not like it. Lots of resistance, lots of frustration.

This phrase was a huge help to me.

“Okay, here’s some more information about what I need, and I don’t have to like it.”

Legitimacy. Permission. Acknowledgment.

Here’s where I’m at. I don’t have to like it. Here’s what I know. I don’t have to like it. This is how I feel. I don’t have to like it.

Next time I might…

Act in accordance with what I know to be true.

But I’m not there yet. So maybe not.

Next time I might remind myself of the consequences of not taking exquisite care of myself.

Next time I might give myself even more tenderness and compassion for the process of making changes.

Nap more.

Lots of process requires lots of rest and integration (for me), and this was one of the things that got pushed aside this week.

The hard, challenging and mysterious.

• Truth this week was simple and obvious, and I did not like it.
• Too many things.
• CAN I GET A PROGRESS REPORT ON THIS PLEASE. I do not know why it is so difficult for me to ask for information, but it is.
• Too much socialize.
• Too much input.
• Too much output.
• Too much noise.
• Too much everything.
• Realizations about how much is too much right now (apparently anything), and having to readjust.
• Sometimes being an HSP is hugely limiting.
• I had to miss a thing I’ve looked forward to for six years because I couldn’t handle the noise levels.
• I am not happy about the 15th.
• Seeing a thing I did not want to see.
• The Rose Garden. As in: the arena.
• I do not want to be doing any of the things I am doing right now.
• Seeing how much I have moved away from what I want, and not knowing if that is part of the labyrinth and actually I’m getting closer, or if I need to start again.
• Aaaaaaaauuuugh misunderstandings, they are the worst.
• Nightmares about then.
• Sadness about then.

The good, reassuring and delights.

• Truth this week was simple and obvious.
• I have a lot more information now about what I want and need in life. I don’t like it yet and I don’t have to like it, but at least I know.
• When I act in accordance with this information, things get better.
• I learned a lot about internal rules that I have that keep me from acting in accordance with this information, and this will help me undo them.
• I got to spend time with lots of people I love this week.
• Love.
• Companionship.
• Eight breaths.
• Joy and freedom are my allies.
• I ate a peach, and it was delicious. Summer. SUMMER. Delight.
• The Ballroom. It is a clue.
• An old friend came for four days and we got to reconnect.
• Strawberries in the garden.
• Deep intensity of feeling.
• Writing.
• Even though I do not do well in social situations, it turns out that if I madly adore each person involved, then it is much easier for me. There is hope. Actually, I am fine in social situations while they are happening. It is after they end that I feel exhausted and miserable.
• Dance.
• Adoration.
• Moments of pure trust.
• Questions that were the right questions.
• Idaho.
• Silence and pleasure.
• This bus is the best damn bus ever. Worth waiting for. What else in my life is worth waiting for?
• I am ready to trust my process as a human being. Yes.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

The superpower of seeing what I want and what I don’t want very, very clearly.

And a superpower I want next week.

The superpower of retreating.

Salve.

This week’s salve is the salve of softening.

Everything that needs to get a little softer just gets a little softer.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band is:

Schutzblech Mixer-Mixer.

They are the fender-blenders of east Germany, and they make a lot of noise.

And, not unsurprisingly, it turns out that this band is actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.

I am going to recommend the Monster Coloring Book and Manual. It makes things better.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I invariably discover useful information about my relationship with the thing I think I want, and with the experience of Wanting itself. Join in if you like….

What do I want?

The situation. And background.

I have been trying to write this for three days now, and I keep getting tangled up in my own frustration.

Which I guess is probably a sign that the ask this week is about that, and not the thing I think it is about.

It has to do with being a Highly Sensitive Person, and it has to do with living life with and around that.

It has to do with my desire to respect my sensitivities (because the consequences are hell), and it has to do with my recent sense of frustration about limitations, real and perceived, due to these sensitivities.

What I want, really, is a new relationship with how I take care of myself.

And a combination of peacefulness and legitimacy for the big feelings that I’m feeling right now about this.

What I want.

To move from the grief of I Don’t Get To into the freedom, release and joy of I Don’t Have To.

To acknowledge the pain.

Recognizing that I can’t be coaxed or prodded into gratitude and appreciation, ore even perspective. I have to get there in my own time and my own way. So I want patience with that, and support.

And trust. That I will find my way through and around this. That I will be able to give myself what I need, and that this feeling of helplessness and frustration will pass.

The qualities inside of the wants:

I’m keeping last week’s eight qualities, in the same order.

Trust. Release. Steadiness. Ground. Love. Receive. Miracles. Willingness.

And the superpower or sankalpa of quiet lives inside of me.

What might help?

What I got from yoga yesterday was:

There is joy and freedom in everything. Give it time to show itself. Work within what you have been given. You don’t have to like it. Just agree that this is where you’re at.

Agent White asked: “What is the flip side to this perception of restriction and limitation?”

And I wasn’t ready for the question. So maybe my wish is to become ready for that question.

What else might help?

Yoga. Breathing. Conducting. Compass. Quiet. Less.

Water. Trust. Napping. Asking. Entering. Playing. Waiting.

Emptying. Releasing.

Less. Less. Less. Less. Less.

I’m playing with…

I’m allowed to not like this. I’m allowed to have a rough time even formulating what it is that is driving me crazy about this.

If I had been born with one arm, I’d be finding ways to make this work for me. So how can I make this work for me?

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

• A beautiful week.
• Everything I need is right here.
• Skipping all the stones.
• Showing Tino beautiful pieces of Portland.
• Writing time.
• Good news and more good news.
• Presence and play.
• Agency.
• Breathing and releasing.
• Time and space.
• Little corners of sweetness.
• Sleep like a happy baby.

Repeat-wishes

• Resting into miracles.
• Choosing quiet.
• Left-handed labyrinth.
• Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
• Sound effects for my internal video game.
• Being at the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
• Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
• Well-rested: the first and best well.
• What do I need? What do I want?
• Sweet blissful steadiness.
• Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
• Things that need to come in now are received with love.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Same as last time.

Curiosity. Shelter. Wonder. Plenty. Appreciation. Release. Sustenance. Play.

And the superpower of I see around things.

I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: Seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

It just can.

I’m playing with…

Joy and freedom. Writing these on the palms of my hands.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Okay, last week..

Everything I asked for last week about receiving and releasing was amazing. Many miracles and surprises.

I got some good news. Tetris was fun. Agent White and I shared yoga every single day.

And I am feeling good about everything that has been planted. Additionally I’m convinced that everything I’m having trouble with now is part of the next step of the emptying and releasing I’ve been doing. It’s all progress, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

This week had a funny shape to it.

Work days had elements of vacation, weekend was full of work. And now suddenly we’re here. Hello. Deep breath. Friday. I’m here.

What worked?

Committing to the elements without being married to the timing.

I had to move a meeting to Fake Beach Day, which meant that Fake Beach Day couldn’t happen.

So I made a clear commitment to giving myself the elements of Fake Beach Day all week.

And then I invited myself to go strawberry picking on Toozday with Roller Eclipse and Draggin Lady, and we ended up spending a lovely two hours on the beach. So there. Fake Beach Day happened anyway, and on an actual beach.

The word release.

This week had some sad goodbyes but my focus was on the experience of letting go, and that made everything sweeter.

Companionship.

Usually my yoga happens alone, but this week I shared it with Agent X from the other Agency. This was really lovely.

Next time I might…

Ask for company.

So much letting go right now.

Sometimes it’s just easier when someone else is there.

Remove myself from the situation.

Sometimes when someone else is in their stuff, it is easier to back off and breathe so that you can offer them loving steadiness, instead of jumping in and ending up in your stuff.

That is a note for myself.

The hard, challenging and mysterious.

• Still more emptying.
• Tetris: everything is moving.
• Too many moving parts
• I want to play in the park and walk in the sun, not work! Wah!
• A number so low that it should not even exist, other than as a theoretical concept for mathematicians to enjoy.
• I have three options and I prefer #3, but I think I might end up with #2.
• Sometimes not-working requires a lot of work.
• How did June get to be so full so fast?
• I want more time to play.
• Too much social.
• Oh, hormones. Are we still doing this?
• Seeing just how much these roots need nourishing.
• A disagreement-misunderstanding that needed to take its sweet time to untangle…

The good, reassuring and delights.

• EMPTYING. I’m kind of getting good at this.
• Operation Tetris is getting to be more fun. A lot more fun. Creative and freeing. Plus I now have a gorgeous mahogany dresser.
• Svevo was here! Svevo is my favorite person in the entire world, and he came for THREE WHOLE DAYS, and it was wonderful.
• Svevo and I spent two and a half hours playing in the park and doing yoga on all the playground equipment. Then we napped in the grass and the trees shared some secrets with me. I suspect it was because Svevo was there.
• Ruckus Instigator! Best nickname ever. Thank you, playmate, for bestowing it on me.
• My cousin Noah is turning out to be way more fun than I ever gave him credit for. We are co-conspirators in the best secret missions right now.
• Treehouse time.
• London Brawlin came to town to take on Wheels of Justice. It was a messy, messy bout, but fascinating to watch. And we won. So there was that.
• Strawberry picking. On Sauvie Island and in my own garden.
• Monsieur LeBlanc of the Other Agency and I had more fun this week than should be allowed. Our missions are vital and glamorous and hilarious.
• Long, slow yoga in Stompopolis every day.
• I wore short shorts in public. Take that, debilitating premenstrual body dysmorphia! You didn’t work on me this month.
• Meeting with Hope.
• I knew about Option 1 and I didn’t love it. Now I know about Option 2 and Option 3, and I am very, very excited. Especially about Option 3, but mostly about the idea that now that I have let go of the thing I thought I wanted, perfect simple solutions are showing themselves.
• Richard is the greatest friend and accomplice I could ask for. I felt appreciative of that this week.
• Happy.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

The superpower of finding the good.

And also the superpower of knowing that the missed bus was not my bus.

And a superpower I want next week.

The superpower of trusting that silence and a loving smile is both a sufficient response and a good one.

Salve.

This week’s salve is the salve of things that didn’t make sense before are clear now. When you put it on, suddenly you know why you bought that purple sweater, and you love yourself for having done it instead of wondering what was wrong with you.

This salve smells a bit of clove and mystery.

Sometimes the things that didn’t make sense are clear and you don’t know why they’re clear, you just feel better about everything. And sometimes you see how all the pieces fit together. It is a very comforting salve.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band is:

Renewable Wow

Light, fun, pop. They sound like bubblegum.

And it’s actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.

The Sail of Emptying. We’re dropping five products from the online store. They’re available through the 11th, which is really soon, and then they’re gone.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

May is napping now because we are in June. Naptime for May until next year when May is new and I am new and we meet again. Sweet dreams.

I will whisper my farewells in your ear as I set off on the adventure of June.

And I remind myself that this June is new.

Last June…

Last June I wrote an over-the-top love letter to June, which might be — still — the most Havi thing ever written.

Last June was the beginning with a new love affair with summer. And with the word LUSCIOUS.

I am pleased to report backwards to me-of-one-year-ago that we have fully integrated lusciousness as a part of who we are.

That was June last year. Over. The. Top.

This June is calmer, steadier. Still full of love and heat and fragrance. Still fresh with possibility. But there is more stillness, more pausing to breathe. I’m glad I was there, and now I’m glad to be here.

Thank you, May. Thank you for….

• Home.
• The strong diamond force field that emerged from April’s mad diamond caper.
• Trust and steadiness. Every day, sometimes only for moments and sometimes for long stretches of time.
• The Vicarage.
• True friends. Deep heart sighs for Colleen the Signmaker and Amy the Fairy Doctor, who provided refuge, listening and deep crazy love when I needed it the most.
• Discovering what I want to do with my life. Hahahahahahaha, yes it is related to Quitting Grad School even though I’m not in grad school and I wasn’t sure what grad school even meant.
• Figuring out what grad school is. Now I know.
• Making peace with something painful, and letting it become something less painful.
• Surrender.
• Emptying.
• Joyful reunions.
• 40 Hour extra-silent silent retreat with a fellow agent in Agency.
• Last month’s Deep Unnerving Love turned into Deep Peaceful Glowing Love.
• Operation Tetris and the Newly-New Sweet Reconfiguring.
• Perfect simple solutions.
• Sinking to the floor, every day, and breathing.

And also the things that were hard.

There were hard things in May that turned out to be useful, and are still turning out to be useful, even if I did not enjoy them.

Like not knowing. Like restriction and constraint. Like letting go of a dream that meant everything to me. Like finding out what grad school was and knowing that I needed to quit and having so much grief about that ending.

Emptying emptying emptying. Experiencing what empty is like.

Thank you, May.

Come in, June! What I want from June.

• Writing.
• Getting even quieter.
• Outdoors as much as possible.
• Barefoot on the sand.
• Hello, you are my ally, let’s play.
• This can be so much easier than I think.
• I trust my process. This is right.
• Wait, this is funny!
• Release and receive. Receive and release.
• Quitting grad school is paying off so hard!

Wishes I keep from May.

• I take exquisite care of myself within the day to day of life.
• I smile at doorways, flirt with fountains, delight in noticing the aliveness of being alive.
• A reconfiguration of how I work. This needs to happen with a kind of peaceful, mild, gentleness please.
• Practice: Deep blissful steadiness and the seven wells.
• Empty, replenish, play some more.

A compass of qualities for June.

Trust. Plenty. Laughter. Delight. Firm footing. Calm. Agency. Reverberation.

Superpowers for June.

Expansiveness.

Boltholes and hiding places everywhere.

Recognizing miracles.

Laughing at everything.

Looking at the Stompopolis calendar now…

This month’s quality: SHELTER.

So basically the thing I need more than anything else right now.

Past-me was so smart to plant that for this month.

And the superpower of Steady Replenishing.

Yes, please. This is what I will play with at Stompopolis every day.

Naming the moon.

A tradition I borrowed from Waverly. More about how I do it.

The Moon of Emptying With Love and Filling With Love.

Also the Moon of Strawberries.

That’s this month’s moon. For me. You can have your own moon, obviously.

What I’m listening to this month.

I’m trying to part
with what’s in my heart
You heard me say I’m going away
I’m on the floor outside your door

May it be so.

Sleep tight, May. You were full of miracles and love, and a lot of tears and a lot of smiles. Goodbye what-is-done. Thank you.

June. Come here, honey. Let’s sail away together and see what happens.

Want to play?

You can deposit notes, wishes, superpowers or whatever you like for your month here. We are not dogmatic about ritual: play any way you like.

We make this safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.

Wishing you a June that is full of all the good things.

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I invariably discover useful information about my relationship with the thing I think I want, and with the experience of Wanting itself. Join in if you like….

What do I want?

The situation. And background.

So last week was the week of emptying and emptying. This is next piece. Release and receive. Receive and release.

The two things I find the hardest or most challenging. Why not.

Come on, they’re here. So let’s play.

The first thing I want is to stop retelling (or believing in) the story about how These Are Things I’m Not Good At. Or These Are The Things Currently Kicking My Ass.

I want to meet them (hello, releasing! hello, receiving!) like playmates, or old friends I haven’t seen in a while. To approach with love, curiosity, wonder, awe and delight.

What I want.

To deepen my relationship with release and receiving, receiving and releasing.

And to remember. This time around we’re in INTENTIONAL relationship. This something that is conscious, something I choose.

Now is not then.

I want to pay attention to the relationship between receiving and releasing. To test hypotheses. Do I find it is true — for me, right now — that the more I release, the easier it is to receive? The more I empty, the easier to replenish?

Do I find it is true — for me, right now — that as I get better at receiving, the easier it is to let go and empty out?

Is the inhalation easing the exhalation? Does exhale sweeten inhale?

And I want to practice this in ways that are pleasurable and intriguing, not terrifying and overwhelming.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Hahahaha! I just looked at the qualities I named last week when I was working on Emptying, and guess what. Release and Receive. Right there. I asked for these last week and didn’t realize how important they were going to be, and also forgot about them until now.

Release was the second quality (northeast on the compass) and receive was the fifth (southwest). That is so so so funny and perfect.

You know what? Let’s keep last week’s eight qualities, in the same order.

Trust. Release. Steadiness. Ground. Love. Receive. Miracles. Willingness.

And let’s go with the superpower or sankalpa of My Roots Are Well Nourished.

What might help?

Writing about this.

Ooh funny story, I was sitting in the park this weekend with my notebook, and wrote the following:

“Remember when you had the dream about how quitting grad school made everything better but then you woke up and didn’t know what grad school was supposed to be? And then you figured it out and now you’re quitting grad school. Well, the new thing that is coming is a long-term self-guided self-study in receiving. So start receiving the things that are waiting to be received.”

And then suddenly there was a bicycle next to me, and it was Agent W with a present for me from his sister.

Anyway. Writing. In the park. More of that.

What else might help?

• Practice receiving, practice releasing.
• Receive things like compliments. Receive things in the form of using or availing myself of gifts that have already been given to me.
• Release through moving things out.
• Release through water.
• Receive through pleasure, receive through silence.
• Release through going into the conducting vault and breathing trust.
• Release through trust.
• Talk to slightly future me about why this is important and useful. Find out what she knows.
• Use the Sail of Emptying as practice for both releasing and receiving, and for appreciation for what has come before.

Anything else?

I will receive the gifts of June. Including sun and strawberries.

And release the things that are done.

I’m playing with…

Trusting that anything I do this week is related to this, even if it doesn’t seem to be. Fractal flowers everywhere.

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

• More wishes in glass bottles.
• Tetris is fun.
• Skipping all the stones.
• There is time for what I need.
• Connections! Connections!
• Good news from Hope.
• Presence and play.
• Oh man, I’m so glad it turned out like this. THE BEST. <-- I want to be able to say this about all kinds of things.
• Long, slow, sweet yoga. With fellow agents.
• Plenty of what I need, in a way that I can appreciate.
• Even more perfect, simple solutions. Readily available.
• Really great surprises.

Repeat-wishes

• Resting into miracles.
• Information for rendezvous with Agent Wilkinson.
• Choosing quiet.
• Left-handed labyrinth.
• Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
• Sound effects for my internal video game.
• Being at the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
• Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
• Well-rested: the first and best well.
• What do I need? What do I want?
• Sweet blissful steadiness.
• Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
• Things that need to come in now are received with love.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Same as last time. These are working for me. And look, there’s release again.

Curiosity. Shelter. Wonder. Plenty. Appreciation. Release. Sustenance. Play.

And the superpower of this is the most fun game ever.

I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: Seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

It just can.

I’m playing with…

Following the clues. Letting each piece have value and meaning.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Okay, last week..

Last week I asked for help with emptying, and yes. SO MUCH EMPTYING. It was great.

Also asked for a new lease and emptying through talking to Hope. Both of those: thumbs up.

Some other things are still percolating, I might want to revisit them later.

And the main cool thing is that I asked for the superpower of things sliding into place, and that was the best. I was able to experience that happening in bits and pieces this week, and wow.

Thank you, last-week-me. You had good instincts.

Also! The Sail of Emptying is still happening. Five products are disappearing from the shop but you can get them through the 11th. So this week.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Internet was down in Portal-land, so this Friday Chicken squeaks in at the end of a west coast Friday, making it practically a Saturday Chicken. (Certainly for all y’all on the east coast and in Europe, though I assume everyone in Australia thinks of it as a Sunday chicken?)

We’re here. Breathing and welcoming. Goodbye, week. Hello, weekend and new week to come. Let’s do it.

What worked?

Not doing.

Taking it to Mt. Tabor.

Taking it to the trees.

Taking it into extra-silent silent retreat.

Next time I might…

Make room for nap.

Make way for ducklings!

This is how I want to make room for nap.

The hard, challenging and mysterious.

• Letting things change shape.
• Surrender.
• Too many things, not enough time for the things.
• Recovering from now, recovering from then.
• Knowing what I want, not knowing how to make it a priority with all the other things.
• Tetris in my head, where do all the things go, how do they land, how do I let them land.
• Missing friends.
• Frustration with things beyond my control.
• Delayed-reaction panicking. All the things that have been my biggest worries for the past three months or so got resolved this week thanks to a realization during my 40 Hour Extra-Silent Silent Retreat. So, hahahaha, I expected to feel pretty relieved this week. Instead my body decided to process all the fear that it didn’t let me feel while the scary stuff was happening. Plus some extra fear from THEN. It was good for me, and it was also a hugely time-consuming uncomfortable pain in the ass..

The good, delight-filled and sweet.

• Letting things change shape.
• Surrender.
• Mt. Tabor.
• Heat. Heat. Heat.
• The bus that was not my bus is now my bus, pretty great.
• An epiphany about the Tetris thing.
• Thought-provoking, image-provoking, idea-provoking conversation with Ben.
• Letting decisions-that-have-already-been-made reveal themselves to me instead of trying to figure out what to decide..
• The 40 Hour Extra-Silent Silent retreat over the weekend with the just-right fellow Agent at Stompopolis. Amazing. Even more amazing than I thought it would be.
• Understanding something that I hadn’t understood before.
• Saying what I want.
• Friends.
• Finding freedom inside the frustration.
• Finding the good inside of the hard, the seed kernel of ah yes.
• This is right.
• Wanting to write, all the time.
• I was able to make peace with a thing that is changing shape. Not in a resigned way, in a joyful sweet way.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

The superpower of recognizing distortion masquerading as reality.

And a superpower I want next week.

The superpower of remembering that this thing that is currently driving me crazy is going to end up being so beautiful and I will cry grateful tears about what a gift it was, so let me just pause-pause-pause and figure out what might possibly be good about something that looks like a setback.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

I think we’re going to have to go with:

Delayed Reaction Panicking.

Because if it’s not a band, it should be.

I think this is another punk-metal group with some new wave influences. They are loud and chaotic and funnier than you’d think, given the name.

And yes, it is most definitely just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

The Sail of Emptying is still happening, though not for much longer.

So get the stuff from the shop that is disappearing before it disappears.

(The stuff, not the shop. The shop will still be there…)

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

Deep breath. You will be okay. You are okay right now.

A brief explanation.

This letter is a reminder from slightly more conscious me who is not in the throes of panic and terror, written for sad, scared me who forgets what is true. It is part of my Book of Me, part of my endless remembering.

Some parts might also be relevant to YOU, person reading this who is not me.

And some may not. And that’s okay. People vary. When I say “you” and this resonates truth, you can let it wash truth through you. When it doesn’t, you can let it go, trusting that this is just what’s true for me, your truth can be different.

Oh, my dear. Oh, my love.

The thing with PTSD is that it completely deactivates the parts of your brain in charge of remembering that Now Is Not Then.

* Completely? How about we say instead: temporarily but pretty damn thoroughly.

You can’t remember. Your body can’t remember.

On Saturday night there were fireworks, unexpected, loud, almost right next door.

And then you were on the floor in the bathroom crying, and you didn’t know for sure how you got there.

You went downstairs and found Agent Z and you were shaking, and Agent Z said: “The fireworks?” and you nodded and then Agent Z said: “You are safe. You are safe. You are safe.”

Because that is part of the protocol, and Agent Z knows what to do.

And then you were on the floor again, this time in the kitchen, and you did not know where you were. You knew you were not at home, you were not sure where “home” was or what that meant. You thought home was Florentin, but you also knew that wasn’t true. You knew you were disoriented, but there was not a huge amount of information beyond that.

Breathing trust and steadiness. Or just breathing.

You are okay. You will be okay. It feels like everything is wrong and yet: nothing is wrong. Even this moment of falling apart is not wrong. It makes sense. There are reasons for it, and there is usefulness inside of it.

You don’t have to like it. And it will pass.

And each time we are in this, it will get easier to find our way out. We are learning the territory of our internal kingdom, and some parts look like this. But they will not always look like this. We are changing our internal space through this process of getting to know it, do you see? It is also okay if you don’t believe me.

You can stay grounded and stable while reading this. You are here now, you want to be here now. You are safe now.

It takes a long time, the remembering. And that’s okay.

The conversation you are having with yourself in your head sounds silly, and that is also okay.

Just keep thinking it out, even if it goes in circles and loops, even if your thoughts seem unbearably muddled. Everything is sifting out, my love. You will get back to ground. You will get back to truth and presence. To a treasure box of tiny stones.

In the meantime, breathe.

Breathe. This air is yours. It is here for you.

Breathe. Repeat your sankalpa, your wish-intention that you are trying on like a costume to see what it feels like, what powers it holds: I can trust the ground.

Breathe. If you know where north is, you can make a compass of words in your space, surrounding yourself with reassurance.

North is Trust. East is Steadiness. South is Love. West is Miracles. Remember? Maybe. It’s okay if you don’t.

Breathe. If you are too disoriented to remember where north is, let it be right in front of you, wherever you are.

And if none of this helps, just drop it. You will get your bearings again.

You still have your ground, even when you can’t feel it. IT IS THERE.

This is what it sounded like inside your head on Saturday night.

Like talking to someone in shock. Because you were.

Voice 1: First thing is we need to call everyone and tell them we’re okay. The cell network has probably crashed but land lines still work.

Voice 2: No, honey. That was then. This was not a suicide bombing. No terrorists here. No one is dead. This was fireworks, just kids, bored teenagers. Nothing happened. You are okay.

Voice 1: S can call for us. Oh god, S is dead. Everyone is dead.

Voice 2: Sweetie, that was a long time ago. You are okay now. No one needs to be called. Look, you’re in Oregon. You live here now. You’re an Oregonian.

Voice 1: I’m a WHAT. Screw you. That is not helpful or reassuring.

Voice 2: Sorry. Sorry, we try again, okay? You’re in Portland. It’s a city. You like Portland. It’s a lot like Tel Aviv, except nothing blows up. You’re a Portlander, which is like a Tel Avivit. It’s a lot like Berlin too, except people smile on the train. It’s good.

Voice 1: Too much information! Where am I now.

Voice 2: You’re at [Agent Z]‘s house. Agent Z knows what to do. This is the right place to be. You are safe, you are loved, you are deeply cared for, you have everything you need, you can ask for what you need.

Disorientation. It is natural and normal.

It is okay that it takes you a long time to land.

When Agent Z asked, “Do you want company? Or alone? What do you need?”, your first thought was I NEED PEOPLE TO STOP TRYING TO KILL ME AT WORK.

You knew that wasn’t present-time, so you wrote: Company. Presence. Talk to me please.

And this is good:

You knew you weren’t in Now. You knew that Now is not Then. You knew that Now was reminding you of Then. You knew hearing more information from Now would help.

See? Progress.

It’s just wormholes. It’s just process. It is okay.

PTSD makes your brain smoosh everything together in uncomfortably looping time-space wormholes, nothing is distinct. It is no wonder you feel disoriented.

Look. 10pm on a Saturday, and you and Agent Z were about to go to the Irish pub for a pint of Guinness.

And when the suicide bomber took out the place across the street from your bar , it was also 10pm on a Saturday, and you and the kid were headed to the Irish pub for a pint of Guinness after your shift.

And you did, after the police cleared the street and you closed the bar. Going out for a pint is what you do when shit blows up. And it’s what you’re doing now, but nothing has blown up, you just think it has. Of course this confusion. Of course of course.

Slowly, slowly. Life and aliveness.

You didn’t want to be crying on the kitchen floor, so you sat in the bar and thought: EVERYONE I KNOW FROM THEN IS DEAD.

But then you unpacked that. No one was dead from the explosions. Someone is dead from drinking and liver failure, and someone is dead from being hit by a taxi and someone is dead from choosing to die.

And then you remembered things that are not dead. A list. Things That Are Not Dead.

You looked for aliveness, vitality, breath. You found it in music and a tiny hanging plant. You found it in your pulse and in Agent Z’s smile. You found it in tiny moments of I am here.

This can take time. We have time. And: Nothing is wasted.

Remember the week before last when you got triggered way, way, way harder than this? Six hours of non-stop crying. Hiding on the floor of a bar. Thinking you were homeless. THAT WAS FUN. That was not fun.

But you know what? It was useful.

I know you don’t want to think about the fact that explosions are not even close to being the biggest trigger, not even close to being the worst thing that happened.

And yet, here it is: You have pain. And sometimes you will fall apart, my love.

It is a flushing out. It is a releasing. It can be a healing if you let it, even though it might not feel like one at first.

You think it’s the same territory as before, but it’s not. You have new information, new perspective, new things to practice.

You find your way out slightly differently each time.

Listen for the sound effects of the video game as you invent new exits, reveal new doors back to yourself. Jingling coin sounds, whooshing noises of yes.

By the time you get to the next level, you will have nailed this mission. You know how to recognize fear and give it love, to unveil distortion and meet it with truth, see your pain and give it legitimacy.

And when you can’t, you can’t. That’s part of this too.

Everyone has pain. This is yours. This is a piece of yours. You are safe. You are here. You have choices and options. You have sweet breaths of steadiness, yours for the taking. And I am with you. Reach for me, and I am here.

How commenting works here.

This is that very rare thing that is safe space on the internet, and for that to work, we enter consciously, and we agree to the guiding principles of No Advice and No Caretaking.

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. Each of us takes loving responsibility for what is ours, we let other people take care of what is theirs.

Within that, you can play any way you like. You can write letters to yourself. You can talk to Slightly Wiser You. You can say what needs saying, or be silent with things that need silence. I am also receptive to appreciation, things sparked for you, ways you might play with this.

And I will always always always take flowers, because flowers make everything better.

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

What do I want?

The situation. And background.

So last year was the year of all the barns burning. All the goodbyes.

Everything ends, dies, reconfigures. This is the way of life.

Though — hahahaha, let us pause for hysterical laughter — usually not all at once.

I’ve been through a serious bootcamp in Letting Go, and as you can probably guess, bootcamp is not my preferred vehicle for anything.

Things end.

Last year endings happened to me. This year I’d like to choose some.

And yes, some of the ones I’m choosing are also “happening” to me, but I am actively saying yes to them. I am also choosing the part where six months later I realize oh-right-this-ending-was-a-blessing, and trying to get a headstart on that moment.

What I want.

Empty in order to replenish. Dissolve so you can radiate. Deconstruct so you can rebuild. Let go to receive.

Let go. Let go to grow. Let go because it’s what is indicated right now. Let go because it’s going whether you want it to or not. Let go because grasping is causing you pain. Let go because the new thing that will come in is even better. Let go because release. Let go because staying is stagnation. Let go because you can’t hold onto it anyway.

Let. Go.

It’s not a red light of no — it’s refuge and release.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Trust. Release. Steadiness. Ground. Love. Receive. Miracles. Willingness.

And the superpower of oh yes I am getting better at trusting the ground!

What might help?

Blessings in disguise may be a trite, overused phrase, but it’s one of those things that exists for a reason. It sums up a truth that happens so often that it needs to be referenced.

Pay attention, Havi Bell! Are you listening and breathing?

Blessings. In. Disguise.

There is an ACTUAL PHRASE THAT EXISTS and it’s about your two favorite things: Blessings and Disguises.

Or really, about your three favorite things, because unexpectedly discovering that a hard thing is really a good thing might be your most favorite thing.

What else might help?

• Empty the pirate queen quarters, which are going to become a new giant blanket-fort and nap room.
• Empty the toy shop.
• Empty through long, slow, sweet yoga.
• Empty through exhaling.
• Empty through meeting with Hope to talk about emptying.
• Empty through silence.
• Empty through extra-silent silent retreat.
• Empty through reconfiguring fields.
• Empty through crying. And through laughing. Let tears flush out whatever needs to leave.
• Empty through writing and empty through dancing.
• Empty through giving things away.
• Empty through returning things that do not belong to me.
• Empty through returning the things other people project onto me.
• Empty through recognizing distortions and false perceptions.
• Empty through not agreeing to follow the old familiar pathways and patterns.
• Empty through a enemigo que huye, puente de plata (please enjoy this lovely silver bridge on your way away from me, my lovely enemy that is fleeing). All the while knowing that there is no enemy because kol ma shenegdi ashlaya (everything that is against me is an illusion). What is leaving is illusion. Including the illusion that this [situation of grief/loss/pain] is bad news for Havi.
• Empty through play, presence and playful presence.
• Empty through the Sail of Emptying.

Anything else?

Yes, I want to tell you guys more about the Sail of Emptying.

This emptying is for navigational purposes. I know a lot more about voyaging in general and my current voyage in particular than I did when I began this business eight years ago.

It’s time to remove everything that isn’t aligned with the compass, everything that isn’t setting me up to ride the trade winds.

So. I’m letting go of a number of products from the online store.

Even though it’s leaving, it’s still terrific (and useful!) material. It’s just that to get to the next place, I have to begin differently.

Five products. They’re available for the next week or so, and then they’re gone.

The Taos ebook is full of treasure, by the way.

I hope you enjoy, and I’m glad some people will benefit from this experiment in consciously emptying out. ♡

I’m playing with…

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

• Wishes in glass bottles.
• The anatomy of an extra-silent silent retreat.
• Information for rendezvous with Agent Wilkinson.
• Skipping all the stones.
• Centerpiece.
• A new lease on ___________. Like a lease on life but different!
• Life-life! Vitality and aliveness. 36 and 36.
• I want to be here now.
• Everything moves, and this is okay!
• New roots. Well-nourished..

Repeat-wishes

• Resting into miracles.
• I can choose quiet.
• Left-handed labyrinth.
• Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
• Sound effects for my internal video game.
• Being at the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
• Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
• Well-rested: the first and best well.
• What do I need? What do I want?
• Sweet blissful steadiness.
• Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
• Things that need to come in now are received with love.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Curiosity. Shelter. Wonder. Plenty. Appreciation. Release. Sustenance. Play.

And the superpower of things sliding into place.

I ask for this one every week, but I’m not bored of it yet: Seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

I know what I want. This is new, and kind of a big deal. And I’m doing everything in my power to let go of things that are not related to that want.

I’m playing with…

Being a bell.

Listening. Going back to bed with a smile.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Okay, last week..

Last week I asked for “the superpower of seeing exciting options that were invisible before” and it worked so well that it is BLOWING MY MIND.

I want to ask for this every day forever, from now on.

And the main thing I wanted last week was trust the ground. I worked with that and played with it all week long, and it’s feeling less like some far-off theoretical thing and more like something that I know a little bit about.

Progress!

And I just realized that everything else I asked for came true for me, so now I’m kicking myself for not seeding more wishes filling up on appreciation for past-me, who is wise and creative and knew exactly what to ask for.

Also I wish to note that when I am on Vicarage (or otherwise WELL-RESTED), my wishes come to life faster. Interesting, interesting.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

My god, Friday. Where have you been all week?

And why are you so beautiful? I have needed this.

This week, as is often the case, the hard and the good are all intertwined.

What worked?

Centerpiece.

The thing I loved during my time at the Vicarage was two long slow sweet hours of yoga every afternoon in my hotel room, looking out at the water. I never get time like that at home. I never take time like that at home.

I decided that this week, I would make my physical practice the centerpiece of each day, instead of the thing I try to squeeze in between all the other things. Time to breathe and be body, time to be present in the home that is me. This is where I live.

Not the thing I’ll get to if there’s time. The CENTERPIECE.

It required starting my day thinking “when do I get to descend to the floor?” as my first and most important question. It required letting go of so many other things. It required talking to all the time gremlins.

It wasn’t always a long period of time. But it was sweet and slow, full of play, presence and aliveness. In the garden, in my bedroom, on the floor at Stompopolis. Filling the world and my world with adoration. This worked. Centerpiece.

Emptying.

The answer to every single thing that came up this week was empty more.

Empty more.

Next time I might…

Empty more.

Let go let go let go.

Emptying and replenishing. The emptying part is important. Empty to receive. Empty to make room to receive. Empty to know that there will be more. That’s what I’m working with.

The hard, challenging and mysterious.

• Emptying. Oh dear god so much emptying.
• The Sweet Reconfiguring.
• Letting go of the thing I thought I’d never let go of: goodbyes are sad.
• The number zero.
• I just want to sleep.
• The one year anniversary of a deep internal knowing that I hadn’t wanted to hear.
• A thing I have never considered (and do not want) came up as a possibility, and I had to recognize that I would make a different choice in this situation than the one I thought I would make.
• There are people who do not understand.
• Oh, identity stuff. Blah.
• Someone I love is in their stuff about my silence (but it’s not really about that, of course), and there is nothing I can do about it except love and love more.
• Transition back from Vicarage is so very hard. I miss the way time works at the Vicarage.
• Restrictions and limitations on time. Or: perceived restrictions and limitations on everything.
• Hahahahahahaha I know what I want and it terrifies me.
• Surrender. Let go. Let go some more. I’m getting better at this (because of all the ************* practice this year!), but oh it can be hard to be with the broken pots, never mind to smile at them.

The good, reassuring and delights.

• EMPTYING. Who knew? Emptying. This is right.
• The Sweet Reconfiguring. It is exactly what needed to be reconfigured and it is reconfiguring in the exact right way. This is right. This moment is right.
• Letting go of the thing I thought I’d never let go of: surrender and release. So freeing. I thought I’d never not-be-attached to it, but look: here we are. Not attached. Just loving what it was and what it may be again, not needing it to be a certain way. Liberation and sweetness, play and presence. I can do this.
• “I trust the ground.” <---- REPEAT-REPEAT.
• Homecomings. Many variations, all lovely.
• I drank like a mermaid! This marvelous phrase courtesy of my playmate in the forest.
• Treehouse time.
• Naps as Portalbridges to whatever I need.
• I am the ally of this bus. I am a reverberating bell.
• Heat and more heat.
• Long, slow yoga in the garden. Kissing my ankles. Breathing earth. Hello, tiny slug.
• Did some [field configuring] and had a giant epiphany about a perfect, simple, elegant solution so obvious I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before. Not only is it the best option, it’s really kind of the only option.
• I’ll meet you at the 9&9.
• Breathing trust and steadiness.
• There are people who understand!!!
• There are people who support the thing that I want, and do not say that it is ridiculous or impossible.
• Another pot breaks, I smile at the broken pot, and I hear the sound effects of the video game. Jingling coins and rainbow whooshes. I am getting better at this level of Smiling At The Broken Pots, Goodbye Everything Leaving My Life. I can feel my brain changing.
• I was deeply vulnerable and spoke a secret heart-truth, and it was okay.
• This week I made taking care of myself the centerpiece of my day, not something I squeeze in at the edges. That was new and crazy and perfect.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

The superpower of being conscious and loving with time, and how I make choices about time.

This is a NEW ONE.

And also the superpower of letting things leave without grasping. Just for seconds, here and there, but I felt it and my heart was warm.

And a superpower I want next week.

The superpower of pausing to breathe before I am in distress.

Salve.

This week’s salve is the salve of secretly knowing what to let go of, and how it can peacefully slide away. It is a shedding salve. It smells like comfort and feels like softness.

I expected it to be exfoliating but it’s pure moisture. It takes care of you. And then while you sleep, the things that need to leave find their way out of your system.

Molecules reconfigure. New majestic glowing boundaries are the result of this salve. I recommend it.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band by way of Richard. They’re called:

Belligerent Catfish

They’re a loud messy bluegrass-cajun combo, and they’ll have you dancing all night with their raucous ways.

Which is weird, because as it turns out, it’s somehow actually just one guy. Get the album: Knife Made Of Butter.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.

A number of years ago, some super biggified internet person announced she was pulling down a bunch of products.

I thought this was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard. They’re ebooks and mp3s. They don’t take up shelf space. Why?!

But now I realize it’s about harmoniousness and congruence. Emptying in order to replenish. It’s letting go of all the (beautiful, valuable, sweet, important) things that are not coming with you on the next voyage, because in order to get to the next place, you need to begin differently.

So. The Sail of Emptying. We’re dropping five products from the online store. They’re available for the next week or so, and then they’re gone.

I will explain more soon, and there’s also some information on the page. Apologies for the outdated copy on some of the pages, I didn’t update because, well, because this is what is leaving.

There’s some really fantastic material here, and I personally love love love the Taos ebook. Anyway, my sail of Emptying. Enjoy enjoy.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.