What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

chicken and the funk of no

Friday chicken

Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…

Hello, week: we are here.

Wow what a week, what a time to be breathing, let’s breathe.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 413th week in a row we are chickening here together!

Or “checking in”, if you prefer to enunciate.

What’s been working?

Each day I have been taking a piece of paper and drawing a line down the middle. It looks a bit like a pros-and-cons list but it functions more like a ritual of introspection.

One side is NO / GOODBYE / ELIMINATED and the other is YES / WANT / ILLUMINATE.

Then I scribble whatever comes into my mind. This brought a surprising amount of ease, focus and clarity to my week, as well as some unexpected and enlightening intel, because sometimes (most of the time) my desires are not apparent to me until I ask….

I might try…

I like this part because asking what I might try seems like the least judgmental way of naming what isn’t working.

But I’m starting to see some secret magic here. I state what I want to try, then I forget about it, and then it comes true, if not always in the way you might expect.

Last week I wanted to try “remembering sooner that Shit Is Not About Me”, and I am pleased to report that despite the absolute flood of no that came my way this week, I did in fact remember each time that it was not about me.

Now I’d like to try treating any half-yes as a clue, and releasing any need to keep poking at it to see if it might turn into two-thirds yes.

Naming the days.

I name each day the night before and I love how names change things and also how they become incantations.

These were the days from the week of reveling in freedom and breathe more light

Choose ease more. Take time and luxuriate. Solstice stones. I treasure myself more. Start fresh. Extra light. Newness embodied.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

That’s Hilarious That You Think You Have A Plan

If you feel drawn to comment on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles — I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are always welcome

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. This week was so full of no, ohmygod. It was just no, from all directions, everything was no for me and everything was saying no to me, and oh man, this giant funk of no. A breath for remembering that no is a beacon, and also for being able to laugh about this, because that helps keep it in perspective.
  2. Like a rat in a lab pushing for food pellets, I pushed at the lever of every partial-maybe-yes just in case there was a responding pellet, even though I didn’t want those pellets anyway, and then almost forgot not to take it personally when there was nothing there. A breath for the work of dismantling old patterns.
  3. Portland: It’s A Trap! Each day this week I planned to be at the coast by the end of the day, and each day something prevented this from happening, which of course worked out beautifully, but for a while I was wondering if I was actually in the movie Groundhog Day, or maybe that part of The Truman Show when the whole town conspires to keep our hero from exiting the island. A breath for wild trust and for interrupting the interruptions.
  4. I woke up this morning with the very clear knowing in my body that getting online was a terrible idea, more so than usual, a towering formation of fear energy that so clearly was not mine. I could feel it and see it, like a tornado in the distance that I could choose not to approach or interact with, but I still didn’t know what it was. So I texted friends to find out what happened, and they were like, yes you are correct do not go anywhere near social media, and that’s how I learned about Britain exiting the European Union. Let’s breathe. May both the great fear that led to this and the great fear resulting from this be met with something stronger. Something new can be channeled here, I don’t know how to name it yet but may we all have the necessary steadiness and grace to breathe. Breathing powerful peacefulness, powerful clarity, whatever is needed. Let us gracefully decline to contribute to the energy tornados of isolationism and panic (and worse) and in the world, and breathe. A breath for the world.
  5. Where do I want to live? How do I want to live? What do I believe in? What is supportive space for a Havi? What is yes? In what ways am I not in fact being true to myself? These are the questions that emerged from shmita, and no wonder I was so completely terrified for so many years to even face taking time off, because yes, these questions are intensely disruptive, they lead to uprooting. Not to mention all the monstering about ugh how can you be almost forty and seriously have no clue about what you’re doing or where to live. I mean, that’s the rigged game that wants us too busy working-and-striving to even hear the questions. I am aware of the enormous quantities of magic beans that allow me to investigate this. And I appreciate brave past-me who was so steadfast in her commitment to her own path; in addition to massive good fortune and privilege, I can also thank her that at almost-forty I am miraculously without obligations: not bound to people or location. I do not have to drive anyone to soccer practice, I don’t need to feed anyone but me, and so here I am with these big wild questions and the privilege to consider them. And it is scary. I am at home at this edge, I am grateful for my freedom, and also: nothing like facing the great echoing void to see the appeal of distraction (see: pellet-pushing), any distraction at all to not sit with these questions. A breath for listening with love.
  6. I have been dimming my spark. I have been compromising on things that are hugely important. This is very apparent right now, and it is useful intel, and it is also amazing how long it takes me to notice. A breath for rewriting old patterns.
  7. The eternal conundrum of I find the internet exhausting but it’s where my job is. I tried to solve that with moving into real space, first the Playground (my retreat center), then a larger experiment that was ahead of its time and became a metaphorical chocolate shop instead, and what I learned is that I don’t ever want to carry overhead again. A breath for a perfect simple solution that supports quiet receptive bell state.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. This was an absolutely magical week. Everything I asked for — luxuriating in taking time, releasing the worry patterns, finding joy in small pleasures, serendipitous encounters, reveling in freedom, all of it happened, and all the surprises were the good kind. A breath of delight in being alive.
  2. Thanks to last week’s wish, I understood that each no that came my way (and oh were there a lot of them, a constant barrage of no everywhere I turned) was secret treasure. This is the thing past me has been trying to explain for years about how I only get gifts and miracles, but I didn’t really get it before. No set me free this week, and that is in fact the job of a no, and I was able to see and feel this in action. A breath for this new understanding.
  3. Ever since the time in my life when I was [between homes] for many months and sometimes slept in the park and experienced huge terror, my biggest fear has been repeating this in any way or even being reminded of it. And now I am okay. I mean, it’s not just that I am okay, because I was okay before. It’s something much deeper than that. My body understands that I am safe now. So we are between homes and on the road and okay with it, because hello to this grand adventure, and it doesn’t bother me. The fear is gone, the deepest fear. A breath for the miracle of this. I’m not saying the fear won’t return, but if it does, it will be different and my relationship to it will be different, because now I know what life is like without it. Gratitude.
  4. What a wild week of wild gratitude and wild revelations. Just breathing it all in. Full heart. A breath for this breath, and everything I do to stay centered in this.
  5. Yes, there is still great joy in discovering that I know what I want and what I don’t. A breath of quiet trust.
  6. Enormous incoming sweetness from the beautiful faraway cowboy who is so good at glowing love for me in a way that I can feel without being overwhelmed by it. A breath for receiving and connection.
  7. I found a way to escape the fourth of July and remove myself from the triggers and the war zone of fireworks. A breath for being someone who practices self-treasuring more actively than ever before, I am learning to prioritize my well-being in a way that used to not be available to me because of fear and monsters. A breath for this new way.
  8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of a surprise miracle on the exact day it was needed most, a delicious Sunday night ritual that depends entirely on happy accidents, making it to the coast which is where my quiet is and where my words are. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of standing tall, deeply engaged with life, surprise ease, and taking exquisite care of myself for no reason at all, and amazingly (again!) I had all of that. I love how this simple practice of naming superpowers wows me each week and each time I forget all over again.

Powers I want.

More of the same please and also the powers of Actively Choosing Peace and Quiet, pre-emptively advocating for myself in all things, and deep healing through lusciousness.

The Salve of Healing Through Lusciousness.

These invisible salves are distributed here by way of internet magic. Help yourself! Take it in a bath, as tea, a cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

Many many things in life are or can be healing, but a lot of them hurt. And sometimes our culture tends to value the ones that hurt. This is a salve for the kind of deep healing that happens with gentleness, permission, ease, softness-and-softening, and, yes, lusciousness.

This is salve that holds the magical qualities of the most perfect bath imaginable. It is reiki-infused everything, it is spells written on the body with light by someone who loves you unconditionally, it is immersion and releasing and being drizzled in oils, or whatever form is right for you to receive this.

Side effects include feeling absolutely incredible, at home in your body and in life

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

just-one-guy

This week’s band is, of course:

A Giant Funk Of No

Their latest album is That’s Probably A Terrible Idea, and this band is just one guy.

Photo taken just for us in Lubbock, TX by Jesse — thank you!

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

more breath / more light

very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 363rd consecutive week of wishing, come play!

what do I need right now

each day I pick a card from the deck of stone skipping cards
and somehow the same card always finds me
what do I need right now

the answer, surprisingly, has been the same too
this is unusual, both the answer and its repetition

breath

that’s the need that wants to be expressed
more breath deeper breath more conscious breath
breathe more
breaths of appreciation and going deep into my
thank you heart with breath

superpower

and maybe now that I think about, maybe
this is related to adrianna’s superpower of
luxuriating in taking time through luxuriating in luxuriating
maybe she knows how to
luxuriate in breath
luxuriate with-and-through breath

(maybe breath is her door to luxuriating)
(maybe luxuriating is her door to this kind of breath)

okay so I want breath, wonderful, what is here for me

something I have learned about wishes is this:
it is up to me to accept them as a gift
just as it is up to me to release them like red balloons

of course I can think “well, this is a weird wish that makes no sense
I don’t have trouble breathing,
I’m probably avoiding a real wish”
and so on, maybe with some monster-ing about
why can’t I wish less mysterious wishes
and maybe put this time towards processing something more “useful”
but in my experience, the best thing I can do for any wish
is to welcome it — oh wow what a beautiful wish
to receive it, to assume it is both treasure chest and treasure
and make room for it,
trusting that it will show me
[whatever it wants to show me]
whether over time or through the
love-imbued process of investigating

okay, so I want breath, what a lovely thing to want
what do I know about breath
what supports breath

what supports breath

what is the most supportive environment for my breath
by the water of course
breath and water go together
so do beauty and breath
like the gasp of pleasure
that turns to slow deep inhalation and release
when I walk down the hill in astoria
and glimpse the wonder of it
breath-taking
but also breath-giving
river-into-ocean
beauty is like, hey babe breathe me in

also being in a state of….
perceiving my beauty? perceiving that I am beautiful
embodying my glow

intake (of breath)

the other day I tried on clothes in a shop
which I never do
and the woman working there had to leave
she left a note for me with her friend
it said you are so beautiful
and my response to that was this breath of
oh wow let me take that in
let me breathe this moment

what else do I know about choosing breath

I need to be out of the city
portland hasn’t been yes for a long time
it has a lot of maybe in it
but maybe-yeses are all beacons of no
it isn’t 120% yes
and I think, often, that one of the reasons is
because it is hard (for me) to breathe there

too much noise, and I mean the energy kind as well as the actual kind
too much smoke too, in the same way
too many things that invite me to constrict and contract
instead of reveal and expand

what do I want with [breath]

I want to breathe the way I did in the orchards
and climbed orange trees for a living
inhaling life
and sharp tangy sweet aliveness

I want to breathe the way I did at the Vicarage
never in a hurry
plenty of time
“how many miles do you walk each day?” they asked
but I didn’t know how to answer
at the vicarage I walk until I am done walking
I do everything that way there

I want to breathe the way I did when my life was yoga training
the way I breathe with Bryan
or to breathe as I did that long afternoon in Berlin of
two hundred and sixteen slow sweet sun salutations
with [former-mentor — let’s have a breath of whoosh goodbye for that]
each sun salutation was eight breaths which makes 1728 breaths and
yes I remember all of them

a thank you breath for the treasure of that memory

slow time

all those beautiful times when my whole life was
devoted to being present with breath
where the breath slowed and slowed and slowed
until there was nothing but breath

what else about more breath

question: what else about more breath
answer: more light
question: what is more light
answer: more time, more expansiveness, more glow, more sparkle, solstice, do-overs, traveling light, traveling with lightness, being a light delivery system (“we deliver!”)
question: what would be more light
answer: ah, taking things lightly!

except I am pretty sure I don’t know how to do that so maybe this is my wish?

who knows how to do this?

Svevo is the only person I know who takes things lightly,
though Svevo also travels with three suitcases for the weekend,
his lightness is not related to luggage, though maybe
his lightness is related to knowing he has what he needs

Svevo has a double superpower that I want
the arborist has it too and so does
Adrianna the eccentric wandering Italian heiress
who is me but I am not yet her
it is the superpower of I have plenty of time because there is plenty of time
combined with I have no worries because there is nothing to worry about

alright let’s breathe this in
we already have a clue from last week: no is a beacon!
no lights the way to lightness

another question

is this wish about breath and light a proxy for something else
that I am not ready to let myself know I desire
probably
I mean, wishes usually are
the mind is wise that way
and wishes are also fractal flowers for all the other wishes I am wishing
whether I know what they are yet or not

is there anything I want to reveal now
about other meanings behind this wish for breath and light
ah of course
this is a wish about passage and becoming

spark/dark

last week I wrote:

I am lightness and dark, quiet and spark, and I revel in my freedom

and this is so amazing because it fits perfectly with the
two different versions of Incoming Me
that are both here at once

there is Z aka Zik/Zeke whose name, in hebrew, means spark
Z is all about wildness and wilderness, quiet and boundaries,
writing and righting, echoing and reverberating
striding fearlessly into the light

and there is Adrianna Moretti, whose name, coincidentally
means dark dark
she is unapologetically glamorous, believes strongly in decadence
and is never in a hurry
she prefers dimly lit bars, red lipstick, wine, ambiguity,
and unanticipated magnificence

(I love them both)

spark/dark

I love them both but now I am laughing because they are
so obviously (how did I not see this)
almost archetypal in their embodiment of yin/yang

Z has little patience with things being gendered and refuses
on principle to self-define
but I think of Z as the part of me who identifies with masculine
which is a moving target of a definition
and maybe more of a sensory perception
Z wears flannel shirts and is wildly sexy and completely gender-ambiguous
able to present in a way I can’t, because genetics gave me
an over-the-top Jessica Rabbit container
that I haven’t figured out how to be at home in
but Adrianna delights in it, flaunts it, wears it to perfection

yes

Adrianna is the dark and the moon and the tides and the pull
the long slow kiss
and the moment before the moment before
and then sleeping in, surrounded by cushions
Adrianna is devoted to being,
letting things be revealed in their own time

Z is the spark and the flash and the sun
powerful knowing and doing
Z makes things happen
just by deciding they should

two wild adventurers
two parts of this wish
like the inhale and exhale of more breath

what do I know about my wish?

more light and more breath
once in tel aviv I studied yoga with a favorite teacher
who was very Zik-like
she mostly had us rest in various positions and breathe
move the tiniest bit and breathe
she would say breathe in sparkliness

simmering in shimmering glittering breath
yes it is time for more of this, time to
fill up and spill over with this glimmer spark glow

for a long time I have been wishing wishes about
not dimming my spark for anyone
but the truth is, I have been spark-dimming
agreeing to glow at maybe only 35 percent
it is time to light things up

may it be so!

now

for the past exactly-seven days I have been trying each day
to make it to Astoria
and each day something happens or doesn’t
and it’s like the movie Groundhog Day
Agent Spalding asked, “Is Astoria in some kind of spatial vortex?”
which is hilarious because enter the vortex is both
the theme of Astoria and literally the wifi password at the bar where I am writing this
because yes today I finally made it here
by a thread
arriving with sunset
into the magical light that lives only here
there is so much more light in the light here

at my former retreat center we had a stone
an actual stone
called the vortex stone
(named for this place in astoria)
and you placed it on a tray to say I am here
a form of conscious entry
with a breath
of course

the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me

months-June-VPA-2016
May was WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence

June is WONDER which is so very exactly where I’m at right now with awe and breath and light and transition, and yes please to the next indicated step is revealed to me, this is right

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called what if I can revel in this freedom

this was so perfect because this wish was how I learned that no was a beacon, and my week was SO VERY FULL OF NO that I probably would have been miserable without this new ability to follow the beacons and revel in my newfound freedom

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes