What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

 

Consider the joy factor / May it be plentiful

Door of Plenty

Content note!

Aka a loving reminder to read this with a steady force field…

This post deals in part with neurodivergence and unique brains, and I have found that this topic is a People Vary thing — some people find diagnoses comforting and useful (“Ah! This way I am has a name! And now I have a community and more information!) while other people react negatively to having labels given to their unique way of being, and do not wish to be diagnosed.

I myself am in the latter camp (just for me, not for anyone else), though yes I am absolutely somewhat spectrumy on the magical unicorn spectrum, and I do self-identify as Highly Sensitive (aka Sensory Processing Sensitivity) as well as High Sensation Seeking, all of which are considered traits and not disorders.

I personally reject the word “disorder”, but the point of this preface is really just to help us remember the principle of People Vary. People Vary! As do vocabulary choices and preferences. Or: How I experience the world does not need to be how you experience the world! So if you happen to be in the camp of Oh Thank God For My Diagnosis And Having A Name For This Is The Best, please know that I support you completely in this, and have lots of love for you. See also Laura’s wise words!

an apple

My uncle sent me off to motorcycle school,
tucking a shiny red apple into the top of
my motorcycle boot,
I found it when I woke up
and felt loved and cherished and supported

instead

It is so good that my life is now populated by
the kind of people who don’t say any of
the things my monsters say
for example
he could have said
[THIS IS SO DANGEROUS] or
[WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ARE YOU SURE ARE YOU SURE] or
[BUT WAIT WHAT ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL/DIVERGENT BRAIN]
and instead he said [apple]

translations

I translated the apple to mean
I love you and want your life to be full of joy!
as well as related things like
hey you’re going off to school!
and: nourishment and sweetness for you!

I quit motorcycle school after the first twelve minutes of the second day

The first day was excruciating for my special brain in a very particular way*,
but day two was when it all fell apart

I have HSP superpowers and sensory processing superpowers
and possibly also some Michael Scofield superpowers**
and I take in oh a hundred times more
information and input from the world than most people,
and can get very overwhelmed very quickly
especially when I need to do physical things

(and I vehemently reject the word “disorder”)
(because I am not disordered)
(there is nothing wrong with me)

but these do make motorcycle school a challenge

* The classroom time was EXACTLY like the nightmare in which I am sent back to high school as an adult, by the time the other students could find an answer on the page after repeatedly guessing wrong, I’d already memorized the entire manual and was straight up losing my mind with boredom, but as soon as we got to the range and had to work on muscle memory, I was completely lost…

** Did you know that low latent inhibition anagrams to Into A Billionth Twine? Did you know that my crush on his character knows no bounds? A hero whose brain is not like mine but is different in kind of a similar way, and who uses this to pull off a genius prison break! YES PLEASE MORE PLEASE!

(more whispered parenthetical asides)

(What if the thing that is actually disordered
is not us but our culture and its
total lack of understanding or curiosity
vis a vis the magical unicorn spectrum!)

(What if we could all find more appreciation for neurodivergence,
and build a new culture that celebrates it!)

(What if I am in fact a wild witchy wonder with superpowers, how magnificent!)

out

So of course, as the monsters keep reminding me,
as pretty much anyone could have predicted,
not only can I not handle an eight hour day of sensory input
(and people and their energy and being observed),
but of course the actual motorcycle riding part of the training was
too overwhelming and fast-paced for a Havi, I was slowing everything down,
the instructors were impatient with how slow I was
even basic shit like figuring out how to turn the bike on,
I could not keep up

And I noticed I was disassociating
which seems like probably not the best for operating a vehicle
so I left

wise me in the wings

I knew, even in the moment of leaving,
somewhere deep in my body-mind,
that this was a good choice for a Havi,
because Wise Me is full of compassion and truth, she knows
that exiting the training is truly the embodiment of
my life goal of extreme self-treasuring,
and anyway the point of this mission was not to achieve anything but to
[be brave and show up and try and learn how I need to learn],
and hey now I can set up my own training at my own pace,
and re-take the course later
when I feel ready
but

but

But the Loud Monstrance of self-recrimination was too noisy,
and I could not access Wise Me,
even as I could feel her love,
the monsters were too many, and everything they had to say
seemed extremely reasonable in the moment,
do you want to hear what they said?

[here is some of what the monsters said!]

ugh you are so bad at life AND
you just wasted hundreds of dollars AND
you set back feminism by two hundred years by being the woman who quits without even trying AND
the faraway cowboy was so excited for you and now he won’t love you AND
ugh the shame of having told people you were getting your endorsement AND
now everyone thinks you’re scared of riding when really you just hate being slow,
why do we process so slowly and lose our grounding so fast,
yes, you are bad at life in a basic way that is just insurmountable
and you will never get to learn exciting new things because it costs
so much more time and money just to be you and to
make any learning experience accessible
so what’s the point

Consider the Joy Factor

A favorite yoga person named Brie often says
about the pose we are in, when considering variations of it or
if we want to do it at all…

Consider The Joy Factor

my joy for motorcycles and for new skills is high
but my joy factor in
that particular training was in the negative thousands,
so if the yoga of life is, as I believe it to be,
practicing kindness, awareness, non-violence and self-cherishing
through [remember to breathe] and [consider the joy factor],
well, yeah, let’s consider the joy factor here
and maybe I can stop judging myself for having made/received
a Safety First choice based on that

to the labyrinth

I exited the training and didn’t know what to do
to get back inside of my body
but then I remembered the Book of How A Havi Works
and the useful guideline of
{BREAKFAST MAKES THINGS BETTER!}
so I did that, which helped a lot, and then to the labyrinth
which I walked three times,
asking it to show me what to do with all this
shame-regret and self-recrimination
and of course it said many wise things
as labyrinths do

and hey, monsters, guess what, people who do NOT have my “disorders” tend to have a much harder time hearing the beautiful things that labyrinths say, even though labyrinths are pretty much constantly saying beautiful things, so I’m not sure why having EXTRA abilities is so deeply misunderstood, but what if we just pause to celebrate everything that I am instead of stressing out over what I am not

here is what the labyrinth told me

Round one: YOUR MAGNIFICENCE HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD, so do not discount it, and also please remember that treasuring your pace is self-treasuring

Round two: Hey listen, how you are as a human is okay, and your okayness is in no way changed by this experience, and guess what, you are allowed to want what you want (in love, in motorcycles, and in all things)

Round three was a doozy, as it always is, and it said this:

THERE IS A STEADINESS THAT IS YOURS
it is your inheritance as a human, it belongs to you,
but to claim it you must HONOR YOUR BOUNDARIES
(so much more than you do now),
and set clear expectations of what you need,
as early as possible
(and much earlier than you think)

architecture

My friend said to me,
I’m glad there is so much good architecture in your unconscious,
and she said this in response to a dream I had about spare rooms,
but I’m pretty sure she meant this in other ways as well

I too am glad for all this good architecture
in my unconscious
and for the rhythms that live inside me
in my pulse, heartbeat, breath, all of it,
and for the immense good fortune of having found such wise friends

speaking of wise friends

I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through that day, when I left the training in tears, and the faraway cowboy was nowhere to be found, for days, and I could not find Wise Me either, and it was so painful…

So I feel especially thankful not only for my good internal architecture, but for my wise and loving friends who texted their support when I felt so lost and alone, let’s breathe in their wisdom and love again!

WISDOM from my wise friends

Agent Emdee: UNDILUTED LOVE. And headspace protection from BS of all forms (community college classroom, cultural crap, the noise of everything). Welcome to the club of “I tried that and quit after fifteen minutes”, it’s a big club and I know you’ll like all the people in it. And the biggest trophy for listening to your body’s wisdom, it said no, and that is that. You will later learn why. And even though right now it might feel like it’s about motorcycles, it’s not. Your body gave you a major, solid piece of no information and you followed it, and I admire that.

Lucky Lola: Agent, you are so brave and badass fierce for recognizing your NO in that moment and acting on it. Building new pathways for action requires time and clues. Riding a motorcycle requires balance, which you have in such abundance. It is normal to give yourself time to integrate a new balance between you and machine. So much love!

Lady K of Jewels: I’m glad you’re so psychic so you can feel all the love and amazed at your ability to have your own back and not get swept into expectations. It’s revolutionary. Good on you for taking your own side enough to act on your realization. Also, you could never set feminism back. Asserting that there are multiple ways of showing up in the world and in learning situations is the MOST feminist action you could take.

Sailor L: You did an amazing thing! You got out of a place that wasn’t right. Leaving and not putting up with that culture is next level feminism, it’s so important to be able to say, nope, this doesn’t work with my boundaries, bye.

B of Bliss: Most people don’t even try to do things that rattle them, so we don’t see them crash and burn (you like bad puns, right?) which makes it even more spectacular when we do. And you are really smart and good at lots of things, which makes it harder (for the monsters) when you happen to struggle with something.

Agent Sloan: Ohyesyesyes leaving was clearly a good move. And also motorcycles will still be there, so all is well.

Star Ally: You challenge yourself with really hard new things! And once you figure things out you are so good at them, so there must be something really great about how you learn, even if initially frustrating in how it differs.

Also I just realized that all my friends are people I know from Rally aka from this blog, so that’s kind of amazing too.

What is my real wish around motorcycles?

To feel wild and alive and powerful and free,
what beautiful wishes!

I still want this, I just need a much slower way to learn
maybe I can to develop my own motorcycle-school-for-me to ease me into my wish without forcing

Report from the water

Past-me was so smart and set up float tank time for both before and after
the training (before for calm, after for ease of integration)

And since water talks to me,
because I am witchy and sensitive and I brain differently,
and, possibly more importantly, I listen differently,
I can tell you what the water told me….

I mean, I probably should not admit that water talks to me,
like, possibly that counts as a “pre-existing condition” under the AHCA,
so just telling you this feels like an act of rebellion

I came to the water with a Wish and a clear Intention

To learn in my body-mind how to be more of a badass,
and to believe-and-remember:

I am such a badass
Motorcycles are intuitive and fun for me
MY GLOW POWER IS EXCEPTIONAL!
I AM AT HOME IN MY POWER!
My boundaries are stellar

(I trust my wise instincts completely)
(I am able to see how I did the right thing)
(I am treasure and now I know how to better treasure myself)

Wisdom received from the water, round one

Crown is not something you earn,
it is something you remember and adjust.

Your boundaries are sacred.
You don’t earn these either, it just is.

This is something you get better at over time,
acting like nothing is ever as valuable as your boundaries.

Badass is innate, not a thing you get a license for.
You just remember that you are X, it’s not about training for X.
Or, you train in X through remembering that you are X.

You are TOUGH, FIERCE AND WILD already, it is your embodied nature.
All you have to do is remind yourself.

Wisdom from the water, round two

I made of love and actually
EVERYTHING IS MADE OF LOVE,
so my only job is to — TRUST LOVE MORE (YES) —
to feel love and treasure myself unconditionally,
writing on my body to tell it how exquisite it is,
and love my beautiful neurodivergent brain (I AM A WONDER)

Fires, again, and trusting love more

The cowboy of the clan of Lovemore eventually came back and tried to casually toss some
sweetness logs on a fire that was no longer there,
and I was like, buddy how do you not even realize you’re just
putting pieces of wood on the ground
where a circle of stones happens to be
that is not even how fires work
and maybe you were avoiding the sputtering embers but
the thing to remember with this fire
is not that it might burn your house down if you forget it
but that it might not be there to come back to,
and then I wanted to cry but I just felt nothing for a long time

I don’t want to feel [nothing]
I want to trust love more
I want a love that celebrates me
and I really want to stop caring about how other people love me
and be present with my heart,
awake to my own magnificence

This is related to the identity mysteries
and the motorcycle mysteries
and all this work of life,
now I know my wish

What are my wishes?

If it is mine, it returns to me,
not attached to results,
I am here to treasure myself and my beautiful brain,
at home in my own fieriness,
and in my waters,
in my commotion and in my quiet

May it be Plentiful.

Guess what the superpower of the month of May is
as determined aka received by past me last September

{{{{{{BOUNDLESS JOY!}}}}}

The fact that I forgot-and-rediscovered this while writing
this post on the topic of Consider The Joy Factor
well, that is pretty great

Wait, an aside

Honestly you guys it feels surreal to be writing about Plenty (or about anything) while grieving what happened today in the House of Representatives when they voted to screw over the American people and deny us health coverage.

As you may be aware, things in the United States have taken a turn for the authoritarian, with fun new developments like a woman facing a year in prison for having briefly cough-laughed at the Jeff Sessions confirmation hearing, and now this “healthcare” bill that, if passed by the Senate, will deny coverage to millions of citizens based on absurd pre-existing conditions (for example, sexual assault will be a pre-existing condition, so no woman will ever report assault because then we can’t actually get medical treatment, and if you’ve ever been sexually assaulted aka if you are a woman and alive, you may be less inclined to share information which could help other women), and this new system will disproportionately harm native women, people of color, trans people, people with disabilities. Oh and hey, police are still killing black children, with zero consequences, while a known and admitted sex offender and his fascist buddies are in the oval office figuring out how speedily can they destroy the planet in a “get rich quick then kill everyone scheme”, so yeah, things are not great and I cry every time I call my representatives.

And, at the same time…

And, at the same time, now more than ever,
it is time to focus on what is plentiful
breath, tears, purposeful rage, love that comes from within me for me,
fierce self-treasuring
standing up for what I believe in, ready to fight
in May, the month of Plenty
so let’s breathe
and breathe and breathe some more,
and take care of ourselves so we can do what is needed

May the month of Plenty

May the month of Plenty be Plentiful
May, the month of Plenty, may it be plentiful,
and may (may!) I remember that the thing which is plentiful is joy,
joy is what plenty is about,
and let there be plenty of this as well,
this remembering which is everything

may all of our wishes be received with love,
may we receive ourselves with love

{ANNOUNCEMENT!}

I am in the process of putting together a page for crowdfunding purposes aka solving a current scary dilemma, which is not the most fun for me, but I am trying to remember that this is also a way for people who read to express thank-you-and-love for my work in the world, as well as a way for me to express thank-you-and-love in return, in the form of some if not all of the cool things that I’m currently working on — which you can read about in the last post!

Anyway, if you’re on the list, you’ll get a note, and I will try to post about it soon too.

THANK YOU.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

Some things I want to say with love and with fire

So many / how many

There are so many things I want to say here, too many,
so many that I can’t possibly say them or name them,
but: is this true?

What if we made an opening in time
a space in which to whisper and shout,
to name whatever wishes wish be named, for thirty three minutes,
with no guidelines and no expectations, other than
BE HERE (to the best of my ability)
BREATHE (to the best of my ability)
SPEAK TRUTH (to the best of my ability)
and, always, SAFETY FIRST, how can I make myself
as comfortable as possible
within the discomfort of
these other brave and quiet things,
what do I long to talk about and share words
(with you)

Some of the many things I want to write about!

  • setting even more things on fire
  • what I received from four years as someone who [seeks shelter from the world inside of non-verbal space]
  • the most essential concepts from this body of work, the legacy of our past twelve years here
  • my intense desire to dismantle the entire culture of expertise, let us be completely done with making anyone a guru of anything, burn it all to the ground, let us all learn how to approach each other as equals, cultivating the ability to access, hear, and value our own internal wisdom, learning what we wish to from others without ever needing to elevate them onto pedestals or knock them down, let’s undo the cultural idea that someone else has our answers, that someone else needs to be the guide
  • I want to write about FLALALEELALOOLA which was secret code shorthand at my retreat center, and everyone knew what it meant which was, “I have so much love for you, and this question you are asking me is not actually mine to answer so this is me returning it to you with love and warmth”
  • I want to write about Panthers and Serendipity and Slow Emerging, things that are luscious and unexpected and return me to presence and wildness
  • naming words/concepts/metaphors which need to disappear forever from our collective state of mind, and letting new names and new forms come in
  • wild self-treasuring and what it means to trust in timing — because when it is not the time for something, it is okay that it is still not the time for that thing
  • returning to the water / returning everything to the water

Connection

Connection is about grounded presence and powerful boundaries,
just like writing and breathing and truth

Connection is vulnerable and beautiful and always new,
just like writing and breathing and truth

I knew this from dance, but I received it from
a long circuitous voyage into my own quietest places

Connection with other people asks of us to connect first
to ourselves, our bodies, our grounded presence, our clear intention,
this is how we show up as equals,
ready to play

Here is the short version of what I believe

No experts are required, and in fact expertise itself is bullshit
because the work (and play!) of self-fluency
is about how we listen to ourselves and discern, over time,
through paying attention and experimenting,
learning to trust what we already know,
becoming experts in our own internal worlds, in the art and science of
taking exquisite care of ourselves
in the ways that are most right for us in that moment
(because People Vary)

And slowly over time we also get better at feeling
what we need and want, as well as
who-and-how we are in the world,
meeting all of that with as much love and
compassionate understanding
as we can muster
in a given moment

Back to the fire

Let the fire consume the entire culture of expertise,
of advice and five steps and eight tips and
“once I was just like you” and all
the ongoing rigged game propaganda
that continuously encourages us turn to external sources
so that they may reveal the answers

When in fact someone else can only ever model or describe
their own path to their answers,
or an approach which currently works for them

And their answers do not have to be our answers,
at most someone else’s beautiful learning holds
clues and inspiration for us
and this is lovely and more than enough

As equals

Let us dismantle the entire culture of
[there are these people out there who have the answers],
and invent a new world together in which
it is so very clear that we are all equals
in this ongoing process of life, each of us figuring out
our own [right way for right now],
sharing ideas, concepts, experiments, techniques, discoveries, methodology,
but without grasping for something we think is outside of us,
and without giving anyone else our power
through imagining that they might be the ones
who have our answers

That mentality doesn’t exist of course in the culture of my business or
my life, but right now I want to burn it down in the outside world as well,
the time has come

Looking out to look back in

Right now I am thinking about
what I want to write and create
and also what do I want to make that is
of most use — and joy! — to you guys,
something to support people in
playing with ideas and concepts without me,
delving into their own process and their own practice of self-fluency

And maybe I’ll just turn this into a survey and ask you
which of the following possible things that either exist or will exist soon
feel most yes for you
with the understanding that of course I will
still end up going with whatever feels right for me
(because this question may be directed towards you
but of course really it is for me)
(Flalaleelaloola, again, always!)

the point though is that you are absolutely welcome and invited to
let me know in the comments if you feel enthused about any of these!

The list

  1. The Collected Posts. Sixteen of my very favorite pieces of writing published here over the past years. They’ve been carefully edited and in some cases expanded upon, and are now an exceptionally beautiful ebook, with blank pages in between for taking notes or skipping stones or if you want to do your own writing and processing, because of course writing belongs to all of us.
  2. The Book Of [Not-Advice] for Writing, aka so yes okay, this one still needs a title but as we already know, I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ADVICE-GIVING SO THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT ADVICE, and also I HAVE NO INTEREST IN PERCEIVED EXPERTISE SO THIS IS NOT THAT EITHER, but more like, The Way I Think About The Process Of Writing Which Is Not The Way Anyone Else Needs To Think About Writing But Could Be Useful Or Inspiring Or Intriguing For People To Read About Without Thinking That The Way I Do Needs To Be The Way Because It Doesn’t. Or hey here is the approach I use with myself when I am writing things that want to be written, or here are wise things I know that that I would offer with love to past-me, or these are the reminders that wise-me gives hesitant-me when I am all in knots about writing. This one has not yet been written but I have a giant notebook full notes and so much to say about this, and the conscious self-fluent approach which is my legacy.
  3. The Book of Salves, aka A Soothing of Salves. Those of you who have been around for a while remember that we used to invent a salve here each week, and these were extremely magical and reading them made everything better. I have curated a collection of my very favorites and rewritten them.
  4. The Book of Superpowers is the same thing but for superpowers, this one need some editing but are close to being ready to come into the world.
I may also at some point go back to offering sessions with a Havi, aka Secret Agent Rendezvous aka Not Coaching but sovereign collaboration among equals, for people who already know I don’t have their answers and don’t need me to have their answers and are ready to show up as equals to play together and be magic. I can also create a self-guided DIY training manual that people can use to develop/hone the skill sets needed to either do the above, or *skip* the above, and then I am not needed at all, which is a marvelous thing, and in fact Not Being Needed is not only what I want, it has been the whole point of this work from the very beginning in 2005.

Other wishes on my mind

Some wishes and intentions as I feel into the transition from this month of Serendipity into whatever comes next…

TFB (Total Fucking Badass), EMBODIED
SURPRISINGLY EASE-FILLED SOLUTIONS: I OPEN MY EYES AND THERE THEY ARE!
I AM MY WILD SELF / TRUE TO MY WILD HEART
YES I AM FIERY SO WATCH OUT WORLD
I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF FIRST (AND HONOR MY YES)
NOTHING LIKE A GOOD MYSTERY!
STRIDING TOWARDS FREEDOM & SUSTAINABILITY
LIBERATION & DELIBERATION
FIERCE & FEARLESS
POWERFUL, STRIKING, CROWN ON, REGAL AF
YES I AM A PANTHER
PART THE SEAS FOR MY MAGNIFICENCE
MY FORCE FIELD IS A WONDER aka
{{{{{PRESENCE}}}}}}

Superpowers

And I call on the superpower of My Superpower Is Healing,
which is an excellent double-triple meaning.

Healing things is my superpower,
but/and/also: my superpower, whatever it may be,
is in the process of healing and becoming whole and revealing itself to me,
and also my superpower IS A HEALING for me, just by existing.

Current Secret Ops (of Wilding and Rewilding)

To be renamed at some future point….

  • Panther Integration
  • Goodbye To Ninety Percent Of The Things
  • Acquire Motorcycle License?
  • Dissolve The Ink
  • Pay The Thing
  • Climb A Pole
  • What Does The Basement Need
  • Run Away To South Dakota But Not Really
  • But Really Mexico
  • Replace A Ninja
  • Retreaaaaaaaaat!
  • Not Your Typical Bond Girl After All
  • Smash The Patriarchy And Set Things On Fire

Invocation

May we all have the superpowers we need,
in the moment we need them,
or something even better,
and may we all find it easier to
notice what helps us take better care of ourselves and what doesn’t
as we go through this complicated thing of being alive
in these especially challenging times,
and I wish my wishes with love,
knowing-and-trusting that
the process of wishing wishes is a way we can
come together and glow love towards each other
and delight in everyone’s beautiful wishes!

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code. And yes, you are welcome to share excitement about any of these possible products which might be coming out soon, and if any in particular speak to you, let me know!

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

Add Serendipity.

Door of Serendipity

April.

I left Utah for California the morning of April 1st,
driving from St George to Los Angeles,
thank you, month of Serendipity.

Though of course when past-me named this month,
she did not know it would coincide perfectly with
a two week unplanned road trip,
but hey, she still knew just what I need to be able to do this;
a sense of adventure combined with the reminder that the unexpected and unanticipated
can also feel playful and even auspicious,
the unknown is just the as-yet-undiscovered….

(and this new thing need not be as uncomfortable as I fear)
(no, it is just new)
(to me)
(I can not know what is next)
(and still be okay)
(I am okay)

These are the questions.

  • What do I know about Serendipity?
  • What is the purpose of Operation TFB? [TFB = Total Fucking Badass]
  • What is, has been, or can be Beautifully Simple and Beautifully Supported?
  • What about some Good Surprises?
  • And: what needs to burn?

What do I know about Serendipity?

To be able to experience the unexpected/unanticipated
as a form of adventure and play,
this is FREEDOM,
and I like this perspective when I remember it….

ah yes, I am being redirected,
and approaching all this with lightness is also an option,
and sure, okay, none of this is even close to
what I thought I’d be doing at forty, or at all,
but oh look at all this newness
look at what is open and possible

Operation TFB.

I have been a wanderer for three hundred and fifty days now,
the time has come to make my way slowly back up the coast,
(where I will still be wandering, but in a new location),
because I will be learning what it means to be a Total Fucking Badass,
how to live and embody this in entirely new forms.

What were you doing in Utah, my friend wants to know,
and I don’t really have much of an answer but it includes:
+ motorcycle trips
+ shooting guns in the desert
+ punching things
+ pole dancing
+ writing
+ getting in fights with racists
+ setting things on fire

My friend points out that maybe I don’t need a secret op to consider myself a TFB,
because I might already be one….

With lightness.

This honestly had not even occurred to me,
but now I am thinking that
Operation Total Fucking Badass might be for
feeling what I already know, feeling who I already am,
embodying all this with even more fierceness
but also with greater lightness,
and without needing to qualify, defend, explain,
without need anyone else to understand.

I want to admire my own fire,
admire my own light,
cherish myself in each moment, each shape, each spark,
find myself magnificent,
even when tired and cranky and unsure,
I am an instrument of love and my superpower is
healing myself through remembering,
with lightness.

Beautifully.

Beautifully Simple has been my guiding principle for this trip,
is it beautifully simple? If not, let’s skip it.

Beautifully Supported was the superpower last April (month of Roots)
and Beautiful Surprises is the superpower of this April (month of Serendipity)

What is simple, surprising, supported and supportive?
What can be not only this way but beautifully this way?

Plans vs Not-Plans.

When I first embarked, I was way too caught up in logistics,
until Incoming Me said
hey listen up YOU DO NOT NEED A PLAN, plans are bullshit,
just follow the Next Indicated Step and see what feels yes after that.

This helped me exit logistics-mind, though yeah, it also
immediately became apparent that
while I may not need a plan per se,
I do need Really Clear Boundaries and good guiding principles,
it is up to me to be more aware of what I require to be functional,
and take steps to make sure those needs are met before everything falls apart.

And I need to prioritize [Rest & Replenish] above all else
because otherwise I will be too much of a mess
to feel what is yes or next, to understand
when I am being redirected to something new.

Realizations from the month of Serendipity.

Once I stopped fighting all the many things that were no,
and began to place my own state of quiet above all else,
road trip life became one ridiculously serendipitous experience after another.

Choosing a good breakfast over writing about Serendipity led me to a sweet cafe
where I sat outside and met another Portlander-in-exile,
we solved all the problems over a truly spectacular meal,
she told me about living in a sailboat, and a tiny room
above a bar in South Dakota,
we talked about tango and quilting and bunny therapy
(a thing that should exist if it doesn’t already)
and suddenly I felt re-inspired about my adventurous life on the road,
no longer sad and wistful and uprooted.

The sun came out and warmed us, I removed a layer and then another,
hanging my sweatshirt over the chair, she saw its labyrinth print and
clapped her hands and we shared
our GREAT EXCITEMENT AND JOY ABOUT LABYRINTHS
— there are people who feel wild intense passion about labyrinths
and then there is everyone else, and I wish to meet more people in the first category please
and this moment of joy with a stranger sent me off on a Labyrinth Pilgrimage up the coast,
visiting three labyrinths in one day…

Labyrinths.

The labyrinths told me about Freedom and Liberation,
Liberation and Deliberation,
Refining and Redefining.

The labryinths themselves are about liberation,
because they make you let go of story,
and they cannot be hurried,
our culture may value the shortest distance between two points
(walk that straight straight line)
but labyrinths are about serendipity, meandering and process,
you have to move away to move towards.

The labyrinth told me that I miss out on Magnificence
through hurrying and trying to do too much,
what about Do Less and Choose Ease,
what about fewer projects and less everything, and then you will see
how magnificent you are and what is possible in the world and your world.

You are a jewel, this is what the labyrinth said,
and you need a better setting,
you are a jewel and you glow,
your spine is made of jewels,
your pelvis a crown of jewels,
so give yourself light and quiet and water and love,
give yourself a new setting for optimal glow.

Magnificence.

The labyrinths brought me to Operation Magnificence which immediately turned into
Operation Enhanced Magnificence Awareness,
because of course I am already magnificent beyond measure,
I just forget, and walking a labyrinth is a good way to remember:

Everything holds magnificence if I pause to notice, the stones and the trees and
even the noise of the city that is no for me,
how magnificent it all is.

I pushed a door whose sign said pull, I was so tired,
how magnificent that I went with the feel of the door over the sign,
I exchanged waves and secret smiles with a toddler, sharing {Magnificence!}
in the form of Aliveness and Delight.

I felt achingly sad about the faraway cowboy and being forgotten, but Wild Me,
Wild Me of Boundaries and Fiery and Better Settings,
she said, oh honey YOU are magnificent,
cultivate your own magnificence and act like you are GLOW POWER CENTRAL
because you are
and let go of all forms of unappreciated,
go be a jewel
go-be-now.

Water.

The labyrinths told me that I need to be in the water, and
yoga told me that I am a BODY OF WATER.

I am a body of water! Know what my body type is? Body of water!

If I am a body of water, and many things are waves
— sound, breath, emotion —
then of course my internal waters rage when I am
trying to write in the company of eardrum-blasting leaf blowers and hedge trimmers.

If I am a body of water, I can take better care of myself with
boundaries, baths, salt, the practice of RGW (Replenishing Glass of Water!),
and of course being more conscious about what I put in my waters.

I want to tend to my waves, my beautiful cursive calligraphy waves and spirals,
waves of heart love, waves of shape and movement in my body and in dance,
the winding and unwinding of the labyrinth, the roundness of sound,
suspended in hammocks, soaking in hot pools,
breathing love
back in the water.

Back to the water.

Back to the water where I return to my own waves, my own frequency.

The salt-heavy water of the float tank told me how I need to cherish myself,
and in order to do this,
to be-and-become the secret agent of Self-Cherishing,
I need to spend way more time in my body instead of merely with my body…

Lusciousness asks me for time, ritual, intention, presence, effort…

The practice of Oh How Beautiful, Yes This Is Beautiful,
the superpower of seeing beauty and magnificence in the day to day of
this hard world, seeing it in my surroundings
even when I am not in gloriously beautiful Utah wilderness,
perceiving it in me with all my stories, pain, trauma,
this must be cultivated, over time,
thousands of times each day, remembering,
and then remembering again.

What would my yes be right now in this moment if I were already
a queen of self-treasuring?

Boundaries.

Bodies of water have boundaries, and
boundaries are the answer to all of my TFB (Total Fucking Badass) mysteries,
as well as all the mysteries surrounding Living In Serendipity.

Being a panther and a jewel and a ray of light,
these are all about beautifully glowing boundaries,
so clear and so alive,
these are my edges,
this is my space..

Being aware of my space and claiming it for me,
this is a new way of taking charge of boundaries,
this is the kind of epiphany that sounds so obvious when you say it,
but it is reverberating inside me in entirely new ways,
I can INHABIT this body and navigate space,
and this is a badass way to be,
in fact, just my passion about this is a badass way to be,
no matter what happens with any of my experiments.

Wild me has swagger, she’s powerful and also unconcerned,
she walks the world like PART THE SEAS FOR MY MAGNIFICENCE,
and she is also kind and warm and loving and all the things
I have been afraid of losing if I become fierce and fearless about
being the unapologetic guardian of my space and headspace.

Serendipitous Everything.

I tried to write this piece last night but my desire to do the
writing part of writing was zero,
and, as you know, I believe that trusting the not-writing is maybe even the
most important part of writing,
so I took myself to dinner instead
and unexpectedly made a new friend,
and she and I are going to shoot guns and have adventures,
and float in water, like a peaceful Thelma and Louise?

All timing right timing.

Boundaries, again.

Last week I was out with my friend K who is a BEAUTIFUL JEWEL,
and my model for the superpower of Perceiving Your Own Magnificence,
we were on a mission to do something peaceful and grounding,
and there we met a woman who wanted to dump her whole life story on us,
with all the weight of the stories inside of her stories, the energy in her energy,
and afterwards I felt exhausted and didn’t know why.

I talked it over with slightly future me who is already a Total Fucking Badass
and I want to share this transmission from her with you, in case it is useful:

Oh honey, I know it is not fun seeing all the ways that your boundaries are not working, and at the same time it really is useful intel. Now we don’t have to repeat this type of interaction.

Next time you will say WORK EMERGENCY GOTTA GO, next time you will remember that your sense of peacefulness is more important than being polite and letting someone eat your energy with their stories.

You will cut ties sooner. You will state your needs, eventually with grace and ease, but in the meantime you need to protect your energy. Put way less value on being perceived as “nice”, “friendly”, “accommodating”. You already do this with men on the street, and today we learned that you don’t yet know how to do this with [women who are being nice to you].

Guess what? Your headspace matters just as much as your physical space. Practice buffer phrases. Carry headphones. Do WHATEVER IT TAKES to exit an interaction that depletes you. You need to get your clarity and quiet back, to reclaim them IN THAT MOMENT.

Call it a family emergency — it is after all an actual emergency in your family of selves. The only thing that matters here is Safety First Boundaries First.

Love.

Me: I don’t want to work on any of my projects.
Wild Me: It’s scary, writing what you want to write, huh
Me: WHAT IF NO ONE LOVES ME EVER AGAIN
She: OR WHAT IF THEY LOVE YOU BETTER

Anything else I want to remember?

Replenishing is the first priority of a TFB,
because Well-Rested and Replenished is how you
a) access internal wisdom, and
b) remember to turn inward and access internal wisdom
instead of looking outward to external bullshit and the culture of (false) expertise,
thinking someone else or something else holds your answers.

My entire mission in life is self-treasuring, self-cherishing,
loving myself even more fiercely and wildly and intently and unconditionally,
being the channel of love, and LOVE JUST IS,
and a well-rested well-present me is how I connect to Source.

Back to love, again, again.

My body is an instrument of joy, and my work is to love
the ever-changing shape of my container
(my body, my body of water, my boundaries)
and the ever-changing shape of my life,
in all of its moments and changes and hurting,
and even when it is not delivering joy, I love it for being.

Serendipity is intimately connected to last month’s quality of Pleasure,
because Pleasure leads to PRESENCE and presence is how you notice
all the marvelous serendipities and the magnificence of it all.

And I can be patient with myself when this is hard because
we are exploring DEEP WILD SELF LOVE at entirely new levels,
while also living life on the road and sometimes, well,
sometimes I think my life is a mess but what does that even mean,
and if I stop judging it for being “messy”,
then oh wow, here we are.

Adding Serendipity to my compass.

A breath for each direction.

NORTH: Fierce Serendipity / Serendipitous Fierceness
NORTHEAST: Fearless and Serendipitous / The Serendipity that comes from Fearlessness
EAST: Powerful (awareness of) Serendipity / Serendipitous and Powerful
SOUTHEAST: Striking Serendipity / Serendipitous Striking
SOUTH: Grounded Serendipity / Serendipity is Grounding
SOUTHWEST: Wild Serendipity / Serendipitously Wild
WEST: Glowing Serendipity / Serendipity Glows
NORTHWEST: Delighting in Life’s Serendipities / Serendipitous Delighting In Life

What if I add Serendipity to everything,
what vast love and magnificence will I uncover,
what waves of wonder and mystery?

And there it is, my next step.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!