What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

It’s okay to clean before writing. Writers clear space. It’s what we do.

Writers clear space. It’s what we do.

Someone made a joke on Twitter about a cleaning service staffed entirely by writers on deadline.

I get the joke, I laughed, I’m just so bone-weary of the existence of this entire category of “haha procrastination, look we’re procrastinating again” humor which, instead of punching outward towards our distorted culture of guilt and self-recrimination, punches inward, reinforcing the internalized cultural shame around Not Doing and Not Done Yet.

Writers clear space. It’s what we do.

This is not procrastinating, it’s clearing the way to be able to write what is coming in-and-through, but not here yet. Clearing space is one way to welcome in what needs saying.

This is what we do.

Here’s what I want to know.

How are we still agreeing to make ourselves feel bad for Not Doing when we could be dismantling this bullshit nonsense culture that says only Doing has value and anything that doesn’t look like the right kind of doing is a reason to feel embarrassed and publicly apologize for being terrible humans, let’s decide we’ve had enough.

When are we going to change our culture and the air we breathe?

What will it take to stop berating ourselves for [things that look like not doing the thing], and begin to celebrate all the ways that [doing this other thing supports doing the thing] even if maybe it doesn’t look like it on the surface but that’s only because we aren’t used to looking with wise and loving eyes…

The cleaning is for the writing!

When are we going to acknowledge, collectively and individually, that choosing cleaning when we think we are supposed to be writing is not in fact cleaning instead of writing or cleaning to avoid writing. It’s for the writing!

What is cleaning anyway?

We can use our wise loving writer-hearts and thoughtful writer-minds to feel into this question, use it as a writing prompt, let it skip like a stone in the waters of consciousness. What is cleaning?

You are welcome to share what arises for you when you give Writer You (or Artist You or Dancer You or Wise Business Owner You) this question, with clarity and compassion.

I will tell you what I know about cleaning…

It is clearing space for what needs to come in. Clearing out to invite in.

Clearing. Space. For whatever needs to come in.

In a symbolic sense? Sure, but symbolic matters. We’re writers after all.

And we are humans. Making a shift in external space always influences our internal landscape, and the same is true the other way round. In fact, sometimes the best thing we can do for writing-mind is clean.

What is cleaning?

Cleaning is TABULA RASA.



Cleaning is a physical way to soothe the mental/emotional/energy craving for that sensation of blank space and open horizon which help us access our most creative selves.

Cleaning is a way to access quiet mind, set a new internal rhythm, our breath changes while we wash dishes.

Guess what, based on EVERYTHING WE KNOW about the creative process, all of this is exactly what facilitates insights and idea-sparks aka getting to the point where we can write what is asking to be written.

So why is our process a forever-punchline?

Because of culture, of course.

And I think, often we mock ourselves preemptively to protect ourselves from pain, we make fun of the cleaning before someone else can, because that’s what people will do, because people are shitty, and people are shitty because culture is shitty, and we end up with an entire world of haha I’m on deadline so look doing X instead of Y.

Let’s change that. Let’s set it all on fire.

No, X is not avoiding Y. I’m doing X for Y, I’m doing X because X supports Y, I’m doing X because the experience of X will make Y more magical, and I trust in my creative process as a human being.

Let’s go beyond letting cleaning be an acceptable door into writing.

Let’s celebrate the cleaning, or whatever it is we are doing while Not-Writing.

Let’s celebrate ourselves for cleaning as part of how we approach our writing.


Cleaning instead of writing doesn’t need to be mocked by us, and it definitely doesn’t get to be mocked by others.

Writers clear space. It’s what we do.

It’s how we get to clarity. Clarity is important. And it takes as long as it takes.

Everything we do to support clarity is healing. Giving ourselves spaciousness, permission and compassion is healing. Let’s glow these qualities instead of criticizing ourselves for being in process, when process is everything.

Let’s celebrate process, which is complex, alive and legitimately hard a lot of the time!

The process is vital to the writing.

And — this part is important! — whatever that process looks like, it is valuable because it is process.

The less time we spend making ourselves feel bad about being in process, the sooner we will get clear about either what we want to say, or why it is legitimately hard/scary to say it.

Let’s breathe compassion for process.

Let’s breathe compassion because writing is intimate, vulnerable, challenging, real.

Let’s breathe compassion, and practice the radical subversive act of Wild Self-Treasuring in the form of celebrating everything we do when we aren’t writing, including and especially cleaning!


  1. Let pretty much anything stand in for writing. If writing is not your [thing you have a possibly-passionate, possibly-troubled relationship with], substitute painting, lindy hop, embroidery, clogging, whatever fits for you. Sometimes I pretend I’m not a writer too!
  2. Let pretty much anything stand in for cleaning. Anything we do that looks like not-doing can be in service of the doing, and anyway, not-doing is valuable in its own right.
  3. Yes, I know we usually talk about punching up vs down, but I think inward/outward makes more sense here.
  4. The cultural blame/shame around Not Doing is nonsense, let’s stop agreeing to it in all forms.
  5. We often appear to be avoiding what we feel most strongly about, this isn’t a bad thing, it just means we care, and caring is intense, give us time.
  6. Let’s end this story about who is a writer, we are writers and we clear space, and we can give ourselves endless cascading sparklepoints for each dish we clean or whatever it is we are doing to support the creative process in any given moment!
  7. I originally wrote gleaning instead of cleaning, also an excellent clue!


Cleaning is a writing strategy and should be celebrated as such.

We are choosing towards our projects, wishes and goals through working on them in this secret, awesome, indirect way, which is a brilliant strategy.

We are choosing towards good things through this ongoing practice of the qualities of curiosity, patience, permission, and internally-directed compassion as we learn to trust our own process.

And everyone else in our lives can support this or be quiet about it, the end.

Share this!

Please share with anyone who needs this reminder or pass this on the next time someone tries to make you feel bad for choosing [cleaning] or anything else instead of [writing] or anything else.


I treasure this incredibly rare thing that we have here in the form of safe online space to play and explore.

We remember that people vary. We meet ourselves and each other with compassion. We are on permanent vacation from advice-giving and care-taking. In other words, this is not like the rest of the internet.

You are welcome/invited to share hearts, sparks sparked for you, anything you want to share on the topic of compassion for our not-writing selves in our periods of not-writing, or about claiming the writer identity with love.

Love, as always, everyone who reads and comments as well as all the Beloved Lurkers and fellow quiet friends, you are all appreciated.

The Month of Jewels

gems of

I couldn’t get out of bed because it was all extremely
overwhelming: too much too much too much
and then on top of that
feeling how the wild full moon is
calling me back
that is: to my mission of being wild under the stars
out in the magnificent places
but also I am craving refuge
and I just lost mine

is that true? what is also true

blessings of

this is the year of triumph and here I am deep in the part where
you keep getting the opposite of your wish,
full moon anguish combined with approximately thirty seven thousand monsters
all whispering about how I
can’t get out of bed triumphantly
(or at all!), then reached for my phone and typed
“feeling so fucking bleak”
and it autocorrected to blessed

why not both


oh right this year is messy and tumultuous
both in worlds internal and outside,
and losing a refuge
— and really, even the perception of refuge,
even the perception of loss —
the combinations of these is tumultuous too,
that alarming rug-pulled-out-from-under sensation
and oh wow how familiar and ancient it feels,
the oldest story, so comfortable in its discomfort,
resonating all the way down, bone-deep,
even though it is not entirely true

whether I trust the ground or not,
it is there
it just is

thelma & louise

I am thinking a lot about thelma and louise,
why is choosing (or even desiring) independence and joy
something women are consistently punished for,
even when it is celebrated, it is also punished,
and what does it mean to be turning forty one,
living this life solitudinal,
on my own terms and also
in my own margins,
what does it mean to say yes I will
I will I will I will
I will breathe through and pursue
freedom & pleasure,
what does it mean to stay true to my wild and
fiercely independent self
and still have love, community, a place to land

again, whether I trust the ground or not,
it is there
it just is

and so we breathe

a breath for acknowledgment & legitimacy,
yes, the hard things are hard,
the scary things are scary,
this year is fucking tumultuous as fuck, this is true,
it’s okay to experience this experience, hello feelings I don’t like,
we breathe down-and-in
we breathe sweet-and-through
we breathe peace-peace-peace
we breathe permission to not like any of this

circulating awareness, this is its own superpower


a favorite yoga teacher asked us this in class

“do you know what is transpiring in your heart?
it doesn’t have to be good, but do you know?”

I breathed many breaths for
this beautiful question,
my beautiful heart,
and my heart wish for
triumphant solutions born of self-love and
wild self-treasuring

how do I wildly love and tend to my loving wild self


a favorite secret agent reminded me to look to the Latin,
of course, yes, trans is through
and spirare is breathe,
what is breathing its way through my heart,
what is being breathed through,
how am I breathing through, breathing my way through,
how am I allowing myself to be (just be) in a state of
breathed-through, how do I gently and lovingly
support the transitions,
this process of through

through breathing! through-breathing!

through, again

I texted my other favorite yoga person and said
run away with me to the coast
we will be thelma & louise

I said do you have the sensation that time is
whooshing into a vortex and there are no more choices
or no more good choices (perception, of course)
and do you just want to go
and let the ocean tell us what is next

she said hooray let’s go! fuck this stupid shit!
because this is what friends are for

she told me she once met the woman who wrote thelma & louise,
and guess what there’s an alternative ending where you see them
driving around at the bottom of the canyon
yes, how about that

so there / talk about a cliffhanger / superpower of surprise happy endings

through, again

yes, this is a very vulnerable tumultuous time
full of upheaval and so much newness,
let’s keep acknowledging that because
acknowledgment & legitimacy is what softens the hard,
and these transitions stretch us,
it feels easier sometimes to seek distraction,
to disconnect or disassociate,
when what I really want is to connect more,
to myself, my grounded ground, my beautiful desires,
even the ones that scare me

love more trust more, right?

refuge zones

I had a refuge then I lost it
haha how do you lose something so substantial,
and then so many questions emerge from this,
is it even my job to put in the hours desperately attempting to save the refuge
or is this the time to lose the refuge and save the wildlife,
haha, I am living the wild life,
or, another question:

what if a new refuge exists that I haven’t met yet?

either way, it is time to raise the sails (and funds)
to save what needs saving and let go of what is leaving

may I find the peace and clarity to discern between these

stories within the story

So very tired of the story of[I lost my refuge / lost my center] what is a better story?

If we get to tell any story we like,
what’s a good one,
a useful story or a joyful story,
where is the treasure,
can I feel what is
transpiring in my heart,
what is reflecting and reflected there?

gems reflect light, and so do gems of wisdom and experience

gems of

grace and crown on (regal as fuck!)

breathe + glow


so much loss in these past weeks
though also this past year,
and by loss I do not only mean the people who are not anymore,
or in some cases not in my life anymore,
but more like oh wow how deeply shaken I am
from this other loss, the loss of the ability to trust,
and it is not lost on me that these
painful, bitter-and-bewildering exits
share some common ground:

I noticed the red flags: hey that’s a red flag, let’s keep an eye on that!
while also telling myself YEAH DON’T WORRY PROBABLY THIS WILL BE OKAY,
and then was very surprised when of course it wasn’t

whether I receive and process the intel or not, it is there for me


Show me the glow that will come from
making sacred space to contain
these huge feelings, this wild intensity

I forgot to trust my own instincts, I let things
slip past my boundaries until
they weren’t glowing their glow,
and neither was I,
but here I am now, ready,
recommitted to consciously returning to glow-state,
a rededication of my internal and external space

show me the glow that comes from this moment now


And hey, maybe one of the jewels of the month of jewels is
the realization that this temporary loss of boundaries is okay,
the experience is useful,
part of the tuition in the school of intuition
and boundaries and glowing,
this is my training in being my most powerful panther-self,
present and grounded, fierce and striking,
wild and alive

aha, this is my wish, I found it!


You lose your balance to find your balance,
you let something be lost to find it new,
change your place to change your luck,
breathe, love the breath, love with breath,
ring more bells

this is wild self-treasuring


I arrived at the ballroom at 2am
a seattle dance friend ran up as I put on my dance shoes (delight!)
he said, do you know, I was terrified of you when we initially met,
you have some sort of silent power that can rip apart mere mortals
at the wink of an eye, I hope you’re okay being super intimidating

You know what?
I am
I really am
or at least: I am now

and maybe that is another jewel of the month of jewels

maybe that’s it

Maybe triumph is about reaching that point of
yes I am intimidating and fine with that / yes these are my fiery boundaries,
maybe triumphant is about sometimes a refuge is yes
and sometimes it is no
and sometimes you ride off into the sunset
but not over the cliff
and you trust that the next refuge will be revealed

you live the wildest wild life
and then you don’t need to save the wild life
because you are in it

let’s breathe superpowers for the month of jewels

  • A breath for ease and easing
  • Alternate Endings
  • A breath for the bridge of Freedom & Pleasure, and (re)dedicating my life to Freedom & Pleasure
  • A breath for And Something Even Better
  • A breath for the perfect simple solution I don’t even know about yet
  • A new kind of exit strategy
  • The jewels revealed at the beach, in the light, by the bridge
  • I am the fiery one / what are the gifts of forty one
  • A breath for A Routine I Sit / A Rose I Intuit (and other wondrous anagrams for I Raise Tuition)
  • I Can Try On Any Identity For An Hour and see what changes in my approach
  • What if there is treasure in the not-knowing too…
heart-glow + hearth-glow

refuge, again

I missed yoga through a combination of traffic and migraine
and probably some other factors related to too-much-city-time,
which is how I wound up at an entirely different studio,
in a class which turned out to be on the theme of REFUGE ZONES,
how we can create them in our day, and why these are so vital,
the door into compassion (both towards ourselves and others)
is giving ourselves enough respite
to even access it

how fortuitous that everything went wrong in the
exact right way so I could receive this beautiful clue, and
make space for both the refuge and the wanting


It keeps occurring to me, in small flashes,
flashes which I invariably ignore like the red flags,
that everything influences consciousness,
and better boundaries includes having a more conscious relationship with
the space around me in addition to the space inside of me

aka what is transpiring in my heart

a beautiful rewriting

This morning I finally took a black Sharpie and covered up
the logo on my yoga mat, I dislike all logos of course,
but also the company is owned by someone I know via [person who betrayed me],
which means each time I enter the refuge zone of my physical practice,
I am in some way reminded of that painful experience
how was this person who loved me wholeheartedly able to turn on me,
all that loss, the unkindness, the not-truth, it has a resonance still

anyway, now my mat features a compass where the logo used to be,
and everything is better

may I create enough safety for myself to connect to the gems,
to breathe my own light inside of these painful experiences

what is needed/invited for this month of jewels?

+ excitement for secret missions of Harmony & Congruence!
+ leveling up to entirely new levels of TFB (Total Fucking Badass)
+ so much more time in the sun and the light
+ new rituals of exit and goodbyes*
+ new forms of fuel
+ really good naps
+ back to the water
+ jet black everything
+ a spark of what might be next and as much joy as I can stand

* A loving goodbye to the refuge that was, and to the vision of that space as MY refuge!
And an extremely fiery Good Riddance to all the boundary-crossers, the mysterious disappearers, the migraine-inducers, the encroachers, the ones who want to know why my no is my no: I will not explain my to someone who has never once respected it anyway

What do I know about jewels?

I am one,
oh, and words can be jewels too,
and there is a jewel-like sanctuary in my heart,
where I can breathe light

Droplets of water on lush green spring plants
are jewel-like, I wish to return to the magnificent places
inside myself and outdoors,
let us breathe our way back to yes,
to quiet trust in the heart-jewels
inside this always-refuge of jewel-heart

Oh wow what beautiful wishes, may it be so, or something even better!


GUESS WHAT MY LOVES, I had a birthday (!) and decided to do a celebratory birthday sale/sail, which I have never done before in thirteen years of online business, and I have extended it because last week got eaten by bears and with the disappearing refuge situation, so maybe this at least ends up being good luck for you?

Here are all the details , just click on this for the SAIL OF 41!

We are raising tuition and raising intuition, and raising sails. And I hope you get to join us if it is the right time.

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes.

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

The superpower of softening from inside the place of stuck (and other superpowers of superpowers!)

Softening from inside the place of stuck

Sometimes when things get stuck or feel stuck, or I have gotten completely lost inside of the perception of Everything Is Stuck*, and am wheel-grinding hard, I just stop everything and make up some superpowers.

I like this practice because it is uncomplicated and light-hearted. Name what you want! Anything is a superpower!

Superpower of Ta Da! Anything Is A Superpower! Including This!

* hahahaha, how often does this happen, that I get so stuck in the monster-story of stuck that I can’t even see how it is a story, a million times a day?

Change Your Luck

The act of naming and invoking asks me to bring to the forefront a more creative and playful part of me, which is its own superpower. And, this part is important, often this approach is much more effective at getting me past the sticky situations than trying to solve them from Thinky Brain.

Superpower of Solved Through Goofing Off!

Superpower of Add Some Dionysian to your Apollonian, if ya know what I mean!

The superpowers of naming superpowers include…

Superpower of Capitalization For No Reason Is Fun!

Superpower of Naming Is Invoking

Superpower of I Am A Namer Who Names!

Superpower of A New Name Transforms!

Superpower of Exclamation Points For Days!

Turning clues into superpowers…

I went to yoga while I was in Bend for dance, and the teacher said:


How is that for a superpower for the month of Perspective + Wild Self-Treasuring? It’s amazing.

Come in, come in, superpower of What If I Can Trust My Body To Do Its Job. Come in, come in, superpower of Ready To Get Quiet Enough To Listen To My Body So I Can Get Better At Trusting.


Yes, calling in superpowers is a perfect practice for this month of Perspective, a shift in internal landscape. And of course self-fluency is all about the relationship between internal and external space.

Internal space = thoughts, feelings, sensation, perceptions, idea-sparks, stories, hypotheses, dreams, wishes, our many selves, entire landscapes within the kingdom of being, and everything from cells to respiratory system (oh, beautiful breath!) to connective tissue to enteric brain, a whole world of embodied aliveness.

External space = the outer form of body and the space immediately around us, expanding outward into our setting, our environment, culture, the air we breathe

Changing something in one always changes something in the other, or in how we experience the other. This principle is at the very basis of self-fluency and Very Interior Design.

We can work in either direction, or both at the same time.

Notice and breathe. Notice and play. Notice and experiment. We claim space, become more embodied, aka the superpowers of Vitality and Prowess.

What superpowers do I want for this day of Righting/Writing?

  • Laser Focus! Solved!
  • I Am Treasure & I Know It
  • Everything in a French Accent, aka Nothing Really Bothers Me aka Eet Eez Fiiiinnne (thanks to Marisa for this one!)
  • I Know I Am The Queen (thanks, Laura!)
  • Set It On Fire And Walk Away In Your Glory!!!
  • Easy Deletion
  • Transforming Things Is My Favorite Game
  • This Impossible-Seeming Thing Is A Fun Challenge And I Am The Olympian Superstar Of This Fun Challenge!
  • The Wrong Choice Actually Refuels Me With Wild Motivation
  • Anything Is Fuel For Inspiration

What are the next steps? What do I do when I can’t see the next step?

I can move myself in space aka Change My Place Change My Luck.

I can try feeling instead of seeing.

I can ask Slightly Wiser Me.

Really, it doesn’t matter what I try as long as I remember that I get to try things.

Self-fluency is basically the opposite of most other things in the category of self-helpery, for example, we do not ever say that Solution X Is The Solution, because that is silly and simplistic. Especially when X is really just A Thing That Happened To Work For Me.

Self-Fluency is based in People Vary and Let’s Take Exquisite Care Of Ourselves In The Ways That Works For Us In This Moment, and also about experimenting so we can become even more knowledgeable about what does work for us at different times.

I do not ever need your X to line up with mine.

No agenda about what you should try or how you should go about it, the whole point is you get to figure out which techniques appeal to you, and make them your own.

Superpower of rewriting the idea of next steps….

What are the Next Steps? I don’t know but what if the clue is in the letters?

Let STEP stand for whatever it stands for, maybe…

See The End Point
Serene Tranquil Ease of Play
Sixty Three Effortless Plenty
Sexy Times Emergence Period!

Let all next steps be right, which is also the superpower of whichever step I take is the right one because I took it.

Superpower of Dessert First

What does this mean, or what are some related superpowers of Dessert First?

  • Consciously Choosing Pleasure
  • Begin From Joy
  • Begin From Breath
  • mmmm, starting yoga time with shavasana is totally dessert first
  • beginning a first date with a smoking hot kiss is also dessert first, I got to experience this not too long ago and it was [fire emoji for days]
  • beginning a dance with intricate small detail, play and breath in closed position before moving into steps
  • and right now napping instead of writing seems like a “bad” idea (a monster word if there ever was one, but this is what came up) and yet is this clearly the only thing I can do right now, it is indicated, and therefore it is the correct step, what if the nap is dessert-first, and the dessert is transformative?

Gloriously Motivated

I have a conundrum that I just do not know how to solve. Haha I just wrote salve instead of solve! Salves solve solutions, saved by the salves solution, superpowers of this etc.

Let’s transform this [situation that is being read as crisis/crucible] into the biggest miracle of all time with the superpower of PERSPECTIVE.

Aka You Wanted To Be Motivated/Inspired/Refueled And Ta Da Now You Are!

Aka the @jonnysun superpower of “I am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in”

Aka gloriously motivated to solve this mystery immediately.

Here’s to all the superpowers of Gloriously Motivated, what do they entail?


Yes, this is fun.

What happens when we name superpowers?

We interrupt patterns and loops of behavior, and any unexamined internal narrative of stress-and-doom.

We activate the superpower of Receptive To Possibility, which is quite possibly my all-time favorite superpower, other than flying.

We remember that we get to shift perspective using language!

We stand differently and move differently, crown on.

We get to be surprised.

Superpower of good surprises!

Invitation for this post!

Come name superpowers with me. Any you want. If one of someone else’s appeals to you, it is yours too. There is more than enough and then some.

You are also welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes.

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

Rewriting [rhymes with Casino-Royalentines Day]

rhymes with

I have never been a fan of that day,
it might be this week, who can tell,
you know, the one in February, it rhymes with
Eerie-Canalentines Day,
or any of its accompanying nonsense
not in elementary school
and not as an adult


But let us speak truth, I’ve never liked any of these Days
of expectations & assumptions,
spaces in time we are seemingly obligated by culture
to mark and to do so publicly,
for example there is one for mothers and one for fathers,
and both these days can
burn in a fire too as far as I’m concerned


Partly it’s an energy thing, they ring false somehow, inorganic,
much in the way that jargon immediately drains all magic from
formerly lovely words sweet in their simplicity,
there is a dissonance to these invented holidays,
as if their resonance is off,
I don’t have a better way to explain it than that,
but that’s not really the problem, is it

whose holiday is this?

The disconnect for me in these days comes from how they
prioritize and center the haves over have-nots while
simultaneously cementing the extremely problematic
— and not-necessarily-true! — notion that[having is always better than not having]

Which might echo the experience of some people, sure, and
at the same time is just not true for others, and,
either way, this approach is not helpful or supportive for
anyone who exists inside the category of

This remains true whether the not-having is painful or if they are happy with not-having

who is this holiday for?

It is for the people who don’t require a holiday,
that’s the whole thing,
culture already rewards people for having family
or existing inside a conventional relationship form,
it isn’t this that needs to be celebrated


An inclusive kinder culture is asking to be called in,
one that can welcome everyone who doesn’t
do all the expected shit or live in the expected ways,
whether that’s because they don’t fucking wish to,
or because life is just working out differently,
whatever the reasons, it doesn’t actually matter,
we need to stop celebrating people for having parents or lovers
or those things everyone is supposedly supposed to have-and-want,
and instead create loving, compassionate, safe, okay-to-exist-in new spaces
for everyone

loving compassionate safe okay-to-exist-in new spaces

belonging, again

This invitation, this welcoming and including
needs to be a given
and not an afterthought of oh yeah hey
if you don’t have a someone, treat yourself to flowers

which still implies that having a someone is
the right, the desired, the important and the necessary in life,
and that everything else is less-than
or a place-holder,
and, either way, not worthy of celebration,
which is bullshit

let us be clear: the way we (collectively) currently mark these days is not thoughtful

agin, who do we choose to honor and why?

as I said on twitter on mother’s day a few years ago:
It is wholly unacceptable to build a holiday around the haves
in a world of pained and hurting have-nots,
I’m all for gratitude, appreciation and joyful celebration
but why do it in a way that reminds the have-nots of
what they don’t have,
and why imply that it’s what they should want,
if anything it’s the Have Nots who should get a day,
not that I want a day as someone who is mom-less because I don’t,
but loudly celebrating the having in this pain-filled world is not cool

any day at all

I am happy for everyone who has
a mother they love who loves them back,
what a beautiful thing,
please pick a day, any day of the year, any day at all,
to share photos and stories of your
immense good fortune, express your gratitude and love,
I will heart it a million times

just maybe not on that one day

can we really pause to breathe, remembering how our world is full of those who

+ can’t be mothers but wish so dearly they could
+ don’t want to be mothers
+ are trying so hard to get there
+ didn’t have mothers they knew
+ didn’t have mothers they could trust
+ loved and lost a mother or mother-figure
+ were hurt by mothers or mothering
+ are mothers who lost a child
+ got to experience being mothers in the form of almost there and then the loss
+ had to make a painful choice
+ had to say goodbye to a child before even meeting them
+ have been in or are going through post-partum depression
+ are experiencing the deep ambivalence of not-knowing what is yes
and so on

and then just opt out of saying “yay I have this thing that everyone agrees is a good thing to have”

why do we agree to this at all

Why make a holiday that excludes all these people and
potentially reminds them of their pain if they are in pain,
or, alternately, implies that they are lacking in something
even if they are not

like, maybe this is not the best day to pile on the gratitude train
just because it is not particularly warm or welcoming
and this is not how culture should work
(I feel strongly about this)

And yes I know that many people acknowledge the not-having
but you know what would be so much easier and better?
not having exclusionary culture to begin with!

the quiet inside of the quiet

When I was non-verbal, for several years,
people invariably felt sorry for me,
and then they were all so absurdly thrilled for me when
they perceived that I was able to get past this obstacle,
but guess what it never was an obstacle,
shut up and listen, world, this is important:

This time in which I could not handle even the thought of speech
was easily also most peaceful happy period of my life,
these years were a sweet bubble-cocoon of ease and grace
just for me

a scarf

I wore my quiet like a scarf
and a force field and a blessing
it made everything sweet

and easier, in some ways

I was able to just be in the world
without the incessant migraining of[too much input + too much output] finally able to feel high-functioning as someone with
high sensory processing sensitivity / witchy spectrum empath magic
I was more myself, more everything,
even if most people mistakenly perceived me as less


“It is so lovely to get more of you“, people beam when I
use my vocal folds to make sound,
but they are getting less,
they are getting the filtered Havi Bell,
not the pure-presence bell of joyful HERE I AM
not my light as I could glow it when I didn’t need language
to mediate

assumptions about what is desirable or better: worth examining


Seriously though how shitty would it be
if we had a holiday called Two-Legs Day where everyone with two legs posted online
about how awesome it is to walk on legs

It would be extremely shitty, and for AT LEAST TWO reasons:
a leg-having person has no idea what it is like to be
someone who lives without legs or use of legs or
or sometimes-without-use or without-ease, or lacking sufficient spoons to use legs,
and so it is a silly thing to celebrate,
yes, sure, enjoy your walking, I won’t stop you,
but don’t assume someone else’s life is automatically terrible
because it has a different shape than yours

And also it’s problematic because it says
having is good, not having is bad
which is not true
and not kind, especially given that people can’t actually help
whether or not they have (or even want)
these things we are supposed to want like
legs / a one-someone to love / parents
and so on

this should not actually be at all complicated

Yay Look At Me Walk Day is an obnoxious and terrible idea for a holiday,
and so is Rhymes-with-Carruthers Day
and so is Rhymes-with-Blaise-Pascalentines Day
and yet here we are

what do we know

Right, enforced romance and expectations of wanting romance is also
about haves/have-nots as well as the fraudulent notion that
having is better, this day is nonsense but also it is here,
so we are going to have to rewrite it
since we can’t set it on fire

What else do we know?

1) language is ours, we get to play and invent!
2) we can proxy the hell out of this!
3) we can bring more fun
4) we can practice Safety First and make safe rooms for any aspects of us who find this challenging
5) we can channel our Slightly Wiser Selves who have a more clear relationship with these days, who practice exquisite self-care, who are more at peace in this process of life and aliveness!
6) we can turn inward to focus on what actually matters, making a container for that, like Fairy Self-Godmothering Day which I invented a couple mother’s days ago…


But Havi, you say, are you not just
bitter and angry about the three years you spent
loving the beautiful boy who was lying to you for two of those years?

Nope! I mean, yeah, sure, but that’s not what this is,
whether in a connection or not, I want to live in
a culture which makes room for everyone,
and legitimizes the life solitudinal and
the pursuit of pleasure & freedom

Rewriting as a practice is good for painful personal memories,
and for sure this week is hard for me,
it was the week I learned a thing I really did not want to know,
but that is not why I’m writing about this today


I am interested in transformation, in rewriting, in undoing,
and let’s play

Safety First and let’s play
Investigate story and let’s play
Trust In Right Timing and let’s play
Deconstruct narrative and let’s play
Build something new and let’s play

this is difficult to write about, for many reasons

me: why is this so hard to talk about though
slightly wiser me: because you feel so passionately
and because your ex would text you things like “sweet girl, you’ve got this”, and now this is your job to do it yourself, with me, together, which is better, but also a new way of being
me: how do I write about things that terrify me to say in words
slightly wiser me: Pleasure & Freedom are still your motivation and guiding lights, for writing and for righting, for everything. Clear everything out. Release attachment. Focus on these. Seed these throughout your day. Write towards these. Now.

right, yes, I am the expert in rewriting, what do we know?

Here we are, on [rhymes with Bachannalentines Day!] and yes, the galentines day phenomenon is
super cute and charming, and also it doesn’t work,
not only because it is straight-and-cis-oriented,
but because it will still always be
considered less than,
luckily we can still REWRITE & TRANSFORM the day that
rhymes with Casino-Royalentines Day

Bachannalentines Day! Chaparralentines Day! Rationalentines Day!

Haha this is fun, I could do this all day, and I might

seriously though, why is Casino-Royalentines Day not a thing, let us make it a thing!

Okay here is my plan I will dress up as
Bond Girl and be a TFB (Total Fucking Badass) and
dangerously glamorous,
and devote the rest of the day to wildly treasuring myself
and my relationship with myself, and you are welcome to
join me in this or in your own version of
re-imagining this day!

play in the month of Perspective

February is the month of Perspective,
and the superpowers of Perspective include:
+ change your place change your luck
+ widdershins
+ new eyes
+ new air to breathe
+ words are magic
+ turn inward and listen

And if you missed the invitation to our two weeks of wild self-treasuring (it started yesterday but you can still get in) here’s the link and yes, you can still use the early-signup price, don’t tell!

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes, and of course we can seed wishes, intentions or desired superpowers…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

Into Perspective

Oh, hello day. I needed today. Did you?

Sweet friends, guess what I just realized!
Today is the second of February,
aka Groundhog Day aka The Festival of Do-Overs.

Superpower of Do-Overs Forever!

A breath for this.

We get to try things. A breath for this too.

Yes, we get to try things.
We get to try things again.
We get to try things slightly differently than we have tried them before.
We get to try similar things things and breathe differently, notice the difference,
notice the difference differently!

We get to try entirely new approaches and laugh at whatever happens.


Sometimes now is eerily reminiscent of then,
but that’s just a reminder that we get Do-Overs,
yes, we can take a new approach this round,
similar challenge, another level of the video game.

Hey guess what, this moment is new.

Superpower of remembering that this moment is new,
a breath for this moment, a breath for its newness,
a breath for perspective.

As a favorite yoga teacher says each time we repeat a posture,
“We’ve been here before, but we’ve never been here before.”

Interestingly, all my favorite yoga teachers,
none of whom know each other and some of whom live in different cities,
have all been obsessively into repetition since the new year began,
maybe this is a clue about approach for this new level of the video game…


Repeat something familiar,
pay attention in a new way,
breathe deeper,
be a resonant bell,
can I allow breath and this question,
this moment of asking,
to turn me into a clear channel
for Curiosity, Receptivity, Playfulness, Wonder, Awe,
all the good in the universe,
glowing these qualities inward and outward,
letting them circulate through my body
and my life, amen.

What if the second/hundredth/thousandth time is the charm,
and what if this happens because I blinked my way into new eyes, new seeing,
hello beautiful awakening month of Perspective

What is mine…

On Saturday I drank wine with my favorite secret agent from Salt Lake
and somehow lost my favorite earring,
then spent three days scouring the streets,
searching everywhere I had been or might-have-been,
whispering a loving reminder in my heart that all is well,
breathing the superpower of Everything That Is Mine Returns To Me,
(and if it doesn’t return, it is not for me)

If it doesn’t return, it was just a beautiful clue, may I receive the redirection gracefully


On Tuesday, the earring was on my doorstep,
perfectly placed, apparently it had been
right in front of me the entire time,
it knows where I live.

Interestingly, along with the return of the earring,
a someone-who-was-gone came back into my life too.

An actual miracle — two miracles! — as well as
an excellent clue about PERSPECTIVE,
which incidentally is our magic word for February.

Thank you, miracles. Thank you, perspective. Thank you, returns and agents of return and agents who return. Gratitude also for the not-returning when that is right. I know so much more about this now than I did a year ago, and am thankful for the learning even if it hurt. Oh my sweet beautiful heart.

The month of Majesty brought us here, so let’s breathe for:

  • Majesty Into Perspective / Majestic Perspective / The Perspective From Majesty
  • What Does The World Look Like (and how does it react to me) when Crown is On and I expect everyone to see?
  • All the combined superpowers of both Maye Musk in her cosmic wonder, and Janelle Monae glowing her powers of Regal As Fuck at the Black Panther premier (she glows just by breathing, I love her), aka MY MAGNIFICENCE IS NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, Wildly Glamorous Bond Villainess Goddess-Queen of Everything Leaving A Trail Of Devastation In My Wake and Incinerating All Bullshit Forever!
  • Thank you, Year of Fiery, for delivering this state of Constant Smolder, turned up to 11, my glow sparks are so fucking hot, full-time slow-burn smolder state!+
  • Surprise miracles and solutions everywhere
  • It All Gets Done With The Greatest of Ease!
  • Wild! Self! Treasuring!
  • Born To Smolder
  • I Treasure My Space, Inside & Out

Back to the moment of the moment.

The other day at the end of yoga, I was feeling,
hmmm, not sure if this feeling has words,
I was feeling passionately-intensely in love with myself,
as if my heart was a glowing love-beacon
and all its love was for me,
a fullness and richness of {love},
an incandescent flower-opening inside.

Then S said: the light in me delights in the light in you,
except I heard it as the delight in me delights in the delight in you,
light-hearted, light-and-delighted, lit up with love.

Lit up from within with love, love and more love.

I feel this in dance sometimes too,
maybe even especially when I dance with myself in the early morning dark,
sometimes I think oh god that was a good dance, I am a star, it is true,
and then I am all HEART EYE EMOJI about myself,
and this is an absolutely amazing feeling,
I wish for more of this perspective
in the Month of Perspective,
in this year of Triumphant,
and turning fiery-one years old!

How is that for a just-right wish to accompany the month of Perspective?

May it be so, for all of us, and even better than that.

Announcement! Well, more like a question!

Hey, remember when we took twelve days (okay it ended up being a bit longer) to immerse in Dedication, Illumination and Mystery? Would you like to do the same with Wild Self-Treasuring and other Majestic Perspectives of Big Self-Love?

If enough people want to play this way, I will set this up for February!

Happy second chances to all of us…

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on the theme of Perspective or anything else, and of course we can seed any wishes, intentions or desired superpowers for this month, trusting that they will indeed come in even after revealing some opposites, whatever you like…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.