What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

Chicken 318: vibrant and plush is actually a great combination.

Friday chicken

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

It is Friday and we are here.

{a breath for Friday.}

What worked this week?

Leaving the moment I knew I didn’t want to be there.

Not my yes? Goodbye!

Also hearing a no in my head, and then circumstances just shifted so that I didn’t even have to say it. That was pretty neat.

Next time I might…

Trust my instincts more.

I knew what I needed and I didn’t give it to myself because of [people-pleasing tendencies].

I got the intel. I just chose to ignore it, and now I’m paying for it.

So that’s useful. And also I would like to stop doing this because it results in me feeling resentful and headachey, instead of peaceful and invigorated which is how I feel when I am in my YES.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. It’s hot and I’m tired and busy, and all I want is to have a spa day (not a metaphor) and run away (maybe a metaphor, maybe not). A breath for passage.
  2. I am having trouble trusting the timing of something, even though all evidence points to All Timing Is Right Timing, both in general and regarding this situation in particular. A breath for meeting my impatience with legitimacy and with love.
  3. I found myself missing something that is bad for me. A breath for comfort and for trust.
  4. Oh man, I need more sleep and this weekend I’m in Seattle for four different dance events. A breath for emptying and replenishing.
  5. Experiencing frustration and resentment about all the ways I don’t take care of myself. A breath for patience, healing, remembering that I am doing the best I can.
  6. Big feelings. Sometimes even the really good ones are challenging. They are beautifully disruptive, and also they are just disruptive. A breath for being a clear bell.
  7. I know what I want and it scares me. A breath for courage.
  8. Inhale, exhale. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. I knew when my phone broke that nothing was wrong, and I was right. I have a beautiful new phone that only holds contacts and intel that delight me. I got some Spontaneous Unsolicited Upgrades of Treasure and Radiant Aliveness (SUUTRAS) that made this whole process much more pleasant. A breath for a clean slate, and for being able to find the good in a situation I would normally find very distressing.
  2. Trusting my yes, and saying no to things that aren’t a whole-hearted yes. A breath for courage.
  3. I arrived at a dance workshop and I didn’t want to be there. It wasn’t nervousness or weird energy. It just wasn’t my yes. So I left. Without questioning this or trying to logic myself into staying (“you came all this way, at least try it!”). The clues I got on the way back were better than anything I might have gotten from forcing myself to do a workshop. A breath for pleasure.
  4. Saturday night! An absolutely fantastic night of tearing up the dance floor at a very surreal Norse luau. Leveling up. Able to do things I didn’t get before, follow things I couldn’t handle before. Able to take risks and try crazy shit and not care if it backfires. A breath for play, pleasure, vitality, aliveness, delight in life!
  5. Dancing Wednesday night. Somehow even better. Oh, and my wish about Boldly Glowing and not turning down my sparkle came true. I mean, it came true all week long but on Wednesday I started to really feel how this wish was working under the surface in new ways. It turns out when this superpower is activated, even things that are normally not particularly interesting or pleasurable (standing around listening to the announcements) become magical and exquisite. A breath for every single thing about this.
  6. In the theme of “it’s a small world”, I walked out of my house and straight into someone I went to kindergarten with! Turns out that eighteen years ago he was roommates with my next door neighbor in Chicago, and he is here with his wife and kid for a visit. A breath for delightful crossing of paths.
  7. Rally X, the Week of Mystery, was just what I needed, surprise surprise. It was an unusual Rally, as only a Rally of X Marks the Spot, the X Factor and Getting to the Crux can be. Also it included a surprise power point presentation and some very interesting spirals. I got what I needed to get, and I also solved the mystery of What Am I Going To Do/Teach Next Year, so that was great. A breath for getting down onto the floor and resting into truth.
  8. Appreciation and thankfulness. Setting up good things for the ballroom. Wise counsel from Incoming me. Red lipstick. Lovely surprises. An extraordinary kaleidoscope talisman that is a reminder about both flowers and jewels. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this thing is done! It is often shortened to wham-boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

So close to being done with the book of Bridges and Crowns! Operation 33 is going great. Things are moving, and I did all the prep work necessary to set off on Operation Sexy Science I, which takes me to Seattle, seemingly away from sexy science but actually towards it. I will also be at a workshop called Swing Science, which is kind of perfect, and at a pig roast, which I wish were a proxy but sadly it is not. Wham Boom.

Superpowers!

Powers I had this week…

The power of wishes and the power of visiting worlds where I don’t want to live, to see what they are like.

Superpowers I want.

Same as last week but more so. The power of unapologetically and unwaveringly trusting my instinct. I did not do this a few times this week, and it bit me in the ass. So I am going to add to this the superpower of Wearing My Crown and the superpower of What Is Good For Me Is Good For The World.

Salve. The Salve of Wearing My Crown.

As soon as you rub this salve into your skin, a remarkable thing happens. You suddenly remember that you are the equal of everyone you encounter.

They are not bigger than you and not smaller. They do not have power over you, even if they are in a position of perceived authority. We are all capable adults. We are all made of stardust, filled with light.

It’s not so much that this salve solves interpersonal problems. It’s that when I wear it, I remember my serene, steady, powerful queenliness. And I see other people as capable of being at that level too. And then this approach changes how everything plays out, and that’s what “solves” things.

This salve changes how I carry myself, how I meet people and situations, how I respond. It’s a salve of taking a breath, a salve that heals reactiveness and expands presence.

This salve helps me get to my quiet hum of what is true for me. When I wear it, I don’t need to contort myself in an attempt to placate others or to conform to what I perceive to be their expectations. And I don’t need anyone else to do that for me. We are all equals. Each of us wearing our own crown, taking care of our own kingdom to the best of our abilities.

We do not have subjects. We do not have wars. We have internal spaces to learn about and protect and explore, aspects of ourselves who need love and attention, a whole world of imagination and creativity in which to invent, dream, wish and play.

Just like with last week’s salve, this one serves everyone. There is nothing selfish about it, just the opposite. Wearing this salve allows you to meet the world with more kindness, more spaciousness, more integrity, more peacefulness. This is part of the quiet peaceful revolution of sweetness. Wear it, as my grandmother used to say, in good health.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

This week’s band comes via Questing Lee and it’s called The Cleveland Chimper-Schmoo Quartet, they play vibrant plush jazz, and of course it’s just one guy.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

My writing/righting retreat is full. (PASSWORD: oneword)

Is this something you would want another chance at doing in the future? Let me know.

You don’t have to think you’re a writer, you don’t have to write, nothing is required other than that you want quiet time to be deeply creative, wildly inspired, and take some mostly self-guided time for internal exploration or whatever appeals to you.

Come play if you like…

Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.

Wish 268: to boldly glow where I have not before


very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

What do I want?

Last week at Rally W, I was focused on finding my WHOLE-HEARTED YES.

This resulted in a surprising (but really only to me?) realization that I have spent a lot of my life turning down my sparkle and muting my glow.

I have done this for [Reasons] that seemed to make sense.

For safety. Or in the misguided desire to be liked, which is also about safety because everything is about safety.

I have hidden so much of me because of these internally whispered fears (don’t be hot because you’ll get even more unwanted attention, don’t be too pretty because girls won’t like you and you won’t have any friends, don’t talk back because it just ends up making things worse, etc etc), and I hereby announce that I plan to Stop This Bullshit at once.

I am ready to SHINE. I am ready to BE SEEN. I am ready to be my full glorious outrageous wild flower of myself.

To be bold and glow.

What else do I know about this?

This scares me.

A lot.

Which means that it’s important, and I also want to remember that I can tread gently, dance at the edges, approach with tenderness. Safety First. Always.

Abandoning the comfort zone can be pretty violent, I prefer the method of slowly and steadily expanding what feels comfortable until the previously-scary thing and I are cool.

Yes, that’s a link to a post from six years ago, I kind of want to rewrite it now.

What else do I know about this?

This realization (as well as the fact that I haven’t realized it before) falls straight into the category of what we like to call the Stupid Epiphany.

In other words, an understanding so completely obvious that you’re equally surprised by how mind-blowing it is as by the fact that you’re even surprised, because come on, how could you not have known this forever.

The hallmark of the Stupid Epiphany is that it’s a body understanding instead of just a mental understanding. You might have known it before, but now you know it. You know it inside of you.

This is also why it is hard to explain Stupid Epiphanies to other people, because they say things like, Oh I know, me too, weren’t we just talking about this a couple months ago?

YES. And right now it is blowing my mind in an entirely new way.

What else do I know about this?

This is related to my recent obsession with color. Bright, rich, lush, saturated color.

Deviating from my normal wardrobe colors of black, brown, navy, dark green and maroon. Inexplicably drawn to electric pink and eye-popping teal.

Zeroing in on an outrageous, traffic-stopping color called KAPOW! for my fingernails instead of something like Sweet Rose.

I want to be surrounded by color: wild, sexy, unapologetically luscious color.

For someone who is the quietest person in the room, who prefers the back of the room to the stage, invisibility to being the center of attention, this is interesting.

Because I still prefer those things. I just want to shine and glow and be eye-catching and spectacular. I want to allow myself to be those things, because I am already. I’ve just been tamping them down in my mind.

What else do I know about this?

This is related to my ongoing conversation with Sam on the Whole-Hearted Yes.

Living life according to my yes, trusting my yes. Asking what will get me there.

It means noticing when I default into the bland yes that is really more of a not-no, an acquiescing yes, or a yes that is based on old people-pleasing patterns.

This new way requires trust, courage and persistence. Endless experimentation. Taking notes and collecting data points.

The monsters are convinced that this way lies madness (and danger).

What else?

Max was talking the other day about a practice of collecting proud moments.

She named her list Cha Cha Cha!, which I love. Proud is a word that comes with potholes and speed bumps for me so renaming is important. My list is called Kapow!

For me, I’ve been tracking moments of being true to myself, committing to my Whole Hearted Yes. Moments when I say no to things that are not that. Moments when I follow my indicated desire to see where it takes me.

And then I give myself a hundred thousand sparklepoints.

Anything else about this?

I made a compass with the qualities I want from this practice. Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.

Crown. Trust. Presence. Bask. Source. Truth. Glow. Boldly.

Clockwise: I wear the crown of trusting in presence, I bask in source, my truth glows boldly!

Counterclockwise: I boldly glow truth-source, I bask in presence and trust the crown.

I love this combination of Glow and Boldly.

That’s what I want. That is exactly what I want.

To boldly glow where I have not gone before. To boldly glow where I have not glowed before. And in ways that I have not glowed before.

To boldly glow where I have not.

To be true to myself in a way that is more visible, more palpable, more colorful and more alive. With intensity and panache!

What will help with this?

Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth.

I can take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.

More sweet pauses, yes to the red lights, remember the purple pills, say thank you to the broken pots.

Where do I want to start?

Same as the last wish:

Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Skip stones with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.

And, as always, by saying thank you in advance.

Thank you in advance!

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: This is what we have been training for, we have been building up to this. All the things you’ve learned over the past few years: to smile at the broken pots, to let the barns burn, to say goodbye to every relationship that isn’t supportive of you, to let go and then let go some more. You did it for this. You got quiet for this. It’s all been for this. And this is going to take you to the next thing. So enjoy it, and let this be a true experiment, without attachment to results. Like with any good experiment, some things you try might backfire spectacularly. That’s a good thing. Bring your glow into these new places, and practice the same things we’re working on in dance: smaller steps, staying grounded and self-contained, trusting your sense of play. The thing Eric says: “Do that same move again but this time burn me with those eyes….”

The superpower of coming into your superpowers.

August-2014-Emerging August is Emerging in the Fluent Self calendar.

The superpower of coming into your superpowers.

If boldly glowing isn’t emerging, I don’t know what is. Also I stand by what I said last week: I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. Let’s do it.

Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.

Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

What else do I want?

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
  • The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
  • Ops: A Beautiful Stew. Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!

Clues?

X marks the spot.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka An entirely new kind of waiting…

That was a very helpful wish. I am feeling much calmer and steadier about all the in-between in my life. I am enjoying being in the training montage now.

Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.

Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

xox