What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

 

The Doors Restored

Door of Restoration

The door before the door.

What is this space and what is this moment? Why are we here and why now?

Visiting the door is how I like to meet the month. This time with the door is a healing which arrives through words but means more than the words, I never know what will come through (me or the door!) as I cross the threshold but it is always just right, and so here we are, admiring the door of Restoration…

Invocation.

I am asking Clarity to reveal itself and restore itself, restore how I see and perceive, restore crown memory.

Even now, in 111 degrees (43.8 degrees celsius aka too hot) in Las Vegas, my least-favorite American city, in full-blown heat-induced meltdown. Even in these places that can be so difficult and overwhelming, in all senses, aesthetic and sensory, political, internal, often all of these at once.

Even now, Clarity is already here, if I remember to invite her to show me what she sees:

Let me see me the [holy holiness] in this moment.

Yes, even in the shitty parts, metaphorically speaking though not only that — scatalogical foreshadowing? haha! maybe! — let all of it reveal the spark-glow of truth-love, the wisdom that lives in experience.

A revealing and restoring, and also re-storing.

Let Boundaries and Courage and all things restorative be restored.

Let each frightening or fiery moment reveal the next steps towards restoring what needs to be restored.

Door of Restoration, show your treasure. Reveal stars. Remind me to glow.

Let all that is mine return with love, and anything [not yes] or [not right now] can be restored to its rightful home.

The migraine that was not a migraine but a M.I.G.R.A.I.N.E.

After the Lyft ride with the driver whose grating voice, meandering stories and inability to take a hint made me want to hurl him off the nearest cliff, I made a note to carry with me at all times:

Time out! MIGRAINE!

Declaring Emergency Migraine & Immediate Time Out, my new favorite protocol, is especially important when I am already too intensely overwhelmed to be able to think up a polite way to tell someone they need to stop talking before I melt down and/or murder them.

Okay except what about Speak Truth?

Here’s how I see this. The migraine is not so much a lie as a useful translation into a phenomenon people understand, as opposed to Sensory Processing Sensitivity or I Feel All Energy, both of which require explaining and are often misunderstood anyway.

If I am on the receiving end of too much input and cannot possibly take in any more, this is exactly when a time-out is most vital, and also when I am least able to explain why I need it or to set boundaries for myself.

Though of course, this also works quite well as a preventative measure to halt the incoming migraine, the one that will show up if all this unwanted input doesn’t stop.

And, more importantly than that, this wonderfully succinct buffer phrase also contains secret magic in acronym form.

MIGRAINE = My [energy/time/headspace] Is Golden, Reducing Any Interference Now, Effortlessly!

This is how I stay true to being truthful, asking for what I need using whatever means work best in the moment, and improving on it next time.

Entry for Operation Sparks Restored.

Entry for the airport and the exit and the month of Restoration:

FIERCE & FEARLESS, POWERFUL & STRIKING, OF THE EARTH & WILD, GLOWING & ALIVE.

MY GLOW AND MY BOUNDARIES ARE PALPABLE, MAGNIFICENT AND UNDENIABLE. EVERYONE NOTICES AND MAKES SPACE. DOORS OPEN FOR ME.

I CALMLY DISAGREE TO ANYTHING THAT IS LESS THAN FULL YES. HEART OF GRATITUDE. POWERFUL PRESENCE. DEEPER BREATHS. ALL INTERACTIONS HARMONIOUS AND JOYFUL. I TAKE UP SPACE UNAPOLOGETICALLY. I AM LIT FROM WITHIN BY MAGIC.

Entry is everything.

I did so much entry for the airport, calling on/in unlikely superpowers like The TSA Respects My Queenliness and The Exact Right People to Flirt With, and got them both, which never happens.

Entry is the best. It really is. And as with all Wishing practices, whether it “works” or doesn’t seem to is not what really matters. Here’s what really matters:

The altered headspace, presence, awareness, boundaries and grace that come from:
a) getting quiet enough to feel what I want, and
b) brave enough to declare that I want it.

I bring more awareness to how I enter, how I exit, how I wish to be in it, how I wish to continue.

And I try to remember that entry can be as brief and uncomplicated as one word, one breath, one moment of returning and restoring.

What do I know about restoring and restoration?

The other day at restorative yoga, my body didn’t like any of the poses, so I just put my legs up on the wall and a blanket over my eyes, and slept for most of the ninety minute class, it was wonderfully healing.

I wonder why I don’t just stop more when stopping is so good for me.

But also I know why.

It’s scary to get quiet enough to feel what isn’t working, and to take care of myself so lovingly that I see how everything in my life which can’t reach that level of [I Am Treasured & Loved] doesn’t need to be a part of my life.

And what if this goes for people too, I mean, yes, we see why it is vulnerable to restore.

After.

After class I was so restored to the idea of restoring that I felt too woozy to drive, so I walked to my favorite park, and waited until I was rested from the resting and restored from the restoring to return to the safe house to rest-and-restore some more.

Then I realized it had suddenly become July while I was resting and restoring, and July is the month of Restoration, and laughed for a very long time.

Restoring.

Restoration like restoring a building. Very. Interior. Design.

Restoring the storehouses of power.

Restoration of qualities: Sovereignty restored. Crown on. Rest restored. Courage restored.

Restoring like Righting and Returning. Rewriting and Rerighting.

Restoring like Provisions and providing for myself with stores that are restored.

Righting myself. Restoring myself through restoring my self, and my sense of self, calling all my selves back in, returning to myself through welcoming all aspects of who I am.

Glowing appreciation to a fellow star agent for talking this out with me, we were totally on the same magical calendar page!

Restorations.

Restoration is RESTFUL in how it motivates.

It restores vitality, and not from the abusive mentality of Ass In Chair Do All The Things Do Them Now Kick Your Own Ass, but from applying presence, love and Extreme Self-Care.

Waiting, listening, trusting. Tending to the fractal flowers.

Restoration is a return to congruence, a new form of doing, without striving or pushing, motivated by love.

The Restoration mindset asks for receptivity and curiosity: Is there a more harmonious way for this to happen? What if this doesn’t need my input? What if there is nothing to fix?

May everything that needs restoring be restored.

May everything that needs restoring be restored.

With care and reverence, lovingly restoring like a curator with a precious work of art.

May I remember that I am the work of art and I am also the curator!

May I apply the superpower of With Great Care And Reverence to everything I do.

And may all broken hurting connections be healed and restored, with love, clear communication and good naps.

Anything else about this?

Yes. Healing is not linear and trust takes time. And hey guess what, over time self-cherishing will come with more ease.

A cascading of a hundred billion sparklepoints for me for practicing and for noticing.

What else am I noticing?

There is a flip maneuver on the silk sling, I can successfully execute this maybe one out of twenty tries. But if I do it backwards first, then I nail it every single time.

I watch the slow motion video take, trying to discern what makes it work versus why so rarely.

Maybe it’s the superpowers of Widdershins and the magical question of what needs to happen backwards.

Maybe going backwards RESTORES the sensation of control and alignment. Maybe backwards is where the power and courage engage. Maybe we reverse to restore perspective.

The noticing invites the restoration, so let’s all be better Noticers, noticing with love and without applying guilt.

The S Word.

In motorcycle school they teach you about SIPDE: SCAN, IDENTIFY, PREDICT, DECIDE, EXECUTE.

This is something I do anyway while both driving and dancing, but I’m allergic to the acronym, which I find cold and unfeeling, something from the jargon-loving engineer-brain world of Ass In Chair, and myers-briggs types and charts divided into four sections.

My negative reaction is visceral and immediate. Why am I expected to adapt my wonder and glow-spark to this unimaginative non-magical world everyone else seems to inhabit. I refuse.

I want to be a panther. A panther intuitively lives by SIPDE, but would never ever use such robotic words if it had the glorious freedom of language.

When a panther stalks, it lives and breathes each element of this, but with so much more grace:

Sense, Intuit, Pause/Perceive, Leap, and then Adapt In Mid-Air. SIPLA!

This is the panther way. This is my way. But of course for metaphorical motorcycle school I have to pretend that I am not a panther.

Sense, Sequence, Stars, and other S words.

In real-real life though, I Sense and Stalk and Sleep and Sequence, a Sovereign Secret Agent, Soaring and Sailing, Under the Stars. Crown on, tail always adjusting. Snick. Snick. Snick.

This is how I get things done.

I restore them. I allow them to be restored.

I restore my powers, by resting into them.

Sense, intuit, (be a) panther, dive, emerge.

Look, I just restored the magic of SIPDE. What if everything else can be restored this easily too? With play and pleasure, power and presence.

Snick snick snick. Gliiiiide.

What is restorative? What is being restored?

Obvious yet mind-blowing epiphany of this week, while packing:

IF I CAN SEE WHAT I HAVE, I CAN SEE WHAT IS INCONGRUENT
INSTANTANEOUS INVENTORY
INSIDE AND OUT
NOTHIN IS EXTRANEOUS
I KNOW WHAT I NEED BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I HAVE

(!!!!!!)

This is literally true, for example, I don’t need to order new [X] because oh hey look I have some stored in a basement, and this is true in my internal space.

If I know what is in my headspace, if I am more discerning about what enters (a clear no to anything that causes a MIGRAINE), then I know what I have and I know what I need.

We pause for a funny story about Congruence.

I called in Congruence to help me with my secret mission of PP&F (Provisioning for Pleasure and Freedom), a rewriting of the hard-for-me bits like packing, moving, all forms of logistick-ing and deciding where I will be when, tomorrow is Day 439 on the road.

Asking for Congruence is a tricky thing because she always immediately shows you what is Incongruent, and usually it is something you didn’t want to see.

I exited Agent Sloan’s safe house early in the morning, wildly proud of myself for having finally mastered the one-trip-to-the-car exit, an ongoing wish for many months.

And then something felt not-right with the cotton grocery market bag. This bag is not Congruent, I thought. And then my next thought was who cares, I don’t want to let it go because it is useful and the exact right size and rolls small and was only recently acquired, and even has a clue on it about Crown On, in the shape of a small crown.

Small. Crown. Trains of thought.

I was thinking about this bag and crowns, and the mysteries of SIPDE, and then, completely failing to SIPDE, I placed the small crown bag on the ground without looking, and loaded the rest of the car.

Only when I put it in the trunk did I see it was covered in dog shit, and of course there is no way to clean it and no time, already en route to breakfast and then the airport, so goodbye slightly-incongruent bag that is now very-incongruent.

At breakfast I discovered my lapse of SIPDE-ing had greater consequences than I’d realized, at some point before noticing my crown bag was coated in poop (how’s that for a clue about current sovereignty levels), I must have slung it across my shoulder, leaving a large smear on the front of my thigh, and that, my friends, is how I ended up in my underthings in the cafe bathroom, washing my travel clothes in the sink, holding them under the hand-dryer and inventing new meanings for SIPDE.

Rewriting and restoring. Committing to being a different kind of noticer.

And hey now that is the second story here about animal excrement and listening (or not listening) to intuition.

Let us tell and retell, restoring what needs to be restored.

And let’s find the treasure and the holy holiness in all of it.

Also hello, sadness, yes, okay, we have some tears to spill when we consider this theme of recognizing that maybe things which are Not Yes aren’t worth keeping, this is painful.

Let’s ask to be comforted as we restore our stores of treasure, our stores of superpowers. Crown restored. No more small crown. No more kinda-sorta. No more time and energy on experiences that don’t glow love towards me.

Restored and Re-Stored.

Late at night craving kisses from someone far away, but there were none to be had.

Drifting to sleep planting kiss-wishes. Come in, come in, lost kisses.

Suddenly awake at four in the morning, reaching for the phone, certain my missing kisses had arrived and were now waiting for me to receive them and more, maybe I dreamed them, I felt so sure of them, but there was nothing.

I put the device into AIR(plane) mode, aka the plane of Access Internal Resonance, through shutting off the world. Going Dark. Turning Inward.

Retreating to a place where I can’t look for kisses.

Except then I couldn’t bring myself to turn the phone back on and risk feeling that feeling again.

Maybe this sojourn in AIR mode will restore something, hahaha here is the monster crew snickering now, yeah, they say, like maybe your dignity. Yes, okay, very funny, guys, but maybe it will restore other things, peaceful borders to my kingdom, or a sense of grounding, even as I live in the AIR. Maybe it will restore love.

A reigniting or a new form of ignited, a sky full of sparks.

Into the water / I am my own Power Source

I entered the float tank with a wish that was mysterious to me: My power center is restored! My powers are restored! I am the Star Queen! I am the Wildest Cat!

Ninety minutes later, all the mysteries had been solved, knowing and remembering, total Clarity:

I am the power center, the channel for and deliverer of my own powers. I can fill up on love all on my own: get quiet, immerse and receive it directly from source because I am a reflection of source — I can breathe-and-hum love, and never run out.

I Am My Own Power Source. I Am My Own Love Source. I Restore My Own Stores through connecting to the love that just is, not the love that is dependent on other people to deliver it.

Is there anything I want to call in for this month of Restoring & Restoration?

Yes, more superpowers!

Let’s call in all superpowers of Wild Me of the Wilds of South Dakota, Fiery Bad Girl of the Badlands, and Witchiest Witch.

Tough Fearless Motorcycle-Loving Wild, Panther of Prowess, a new Wonder Woman who trains five times harder than the most powerful Amazon warrior, and naps five times more deeply than the most content and happy sloth.

Passionate Troublemaker, Wild Wanderer, Secret Aerialist, Interior Designer on the move.

Champion of Luscious Minimalism, Still The Best Shot, A Star Among The Stars, A Bell Among Bells, Fierce & Fearless, Powerful & Striking, Grounded & Wild, Glowing & Alive, Undeniably Sexy, The Star Queen Who is Of The Ground And Lives In The Air, Unconditional Self-Treasuring, The Seas Part For Her Magnificence!

What will help us dive deep (and soar high) into Restoring The Crown, Restoring the Powers, and experiencing some Star Level Congruence and Star Level Sparks? Ah, yes, of course, the superpower of this month’s door: Deep Healing & Sweetness.

It’s right there in the doorway.

May it be so!

NEXT STEP / AND A PRESALE!

Everything I write is a healing and a channeling, a magic that works in all directions, internal and external, through the labyrinth-compass, and all the wisdom here comes from the work (and play! mostly play!) of Self Fluency.

Buying something from the Gift Shop is a great way to dive deeper into practicing/living this on your own, and it helps me continue to share the work here.

During the month of Restoration I am offering something I’ve never done before: a collection of seventeen of my very favorite pieces out of everything I’ve posted here over the past twelve years. It is only available this month.

I haven’t set up the official page yet, so this is a PRESALE SALE! You can order it here, and you’ll get an email with the download link before the end of the month, though probably sooner!

Invitation: Communal wish space! Come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

G L I M P S E

Door of Vitality

Glimpses of a glimpse

My secret word is GLIMPSE,
I don’t know what this means but
can’t wait to find out.

For sure it is about perception, proprioception, perspective,
a door that is an invitation, light streaming through,
a sense of could be — or already is,
newness, expansiveness, arriving,
sparks sparking,
(a glimpse!)

This is a wish for June and beyond.

The superpower of Living/Loving The Transitions

This is another June wish,
let’s skip a stone and learn more:

What does it mean to live/love the transitions?

Not everything happens with ease, this is true, most things don’t,
and so we slow it all down,
bringing more attention to both the openings and the constriction,
asking what would bring more ease,
in movement and in stillness and in
this complicated thing of being alive.

I’m pretty sure the in-between is not only EQUALLY important to
both the previous and upcoming moment/action/situation/location,
transitions might even be more important,
because entry is everything.

Entry Is Everything

Entry and exit,
the inhale and exhale of life,
[enter as you wish to be in it / exit as you wish to continue]

The transition is the place of Intention and Naming,
and therefore the place of MAGIC, not to mention…

Voyage > Destination

And anyway how we voyage alters not only where we end up but how we experience it,
so here is the real question…

Questions

How can I voyage (aka breathe, live, dance, cry, flail, write, work, play)
with intention and vitality?

What would it feel like to lovingly tend to the transitions
instead of my default approach
aka ignoring them, resenting them, fighting them, or
just wishing they weren’t so fucking complicated
what would that be like?

What if each problem is really actually just a challenge, and
a challenge is really only a mystery, and
a mystery is actually something I get to play with,
and so here I am, playing,
with words and listening, with watching and waiting,
trusting that each new glimpse will reveal more…

This is a wish for June and beyond

Keys

I tucked my car key in my pocket,
and Slightly Wiser Me said
hey babe, you want to put that on your keychain,
and I ignored her,
possibly I already felt too rushed?

Or, more likely, I figured it was just general advice for
some time in the future.

Later that day she told me,
very clearly and firmly,
she needed me to show up twenty minutes early to [thing],
this was of vital importance,
so I did.

The next sequence of events is foggy and unclear,
I parked, and then, somehow, in between removing the key and
reaching for my bag,
the key mysteriously flung itself over my shoulder
and disappeared under the seats.

Keys open things

So here I am on the hottest day
twisting myself around inside a small broiling vehicle,
searching with fingers and body for one key,
and this car currently houses everything I own in the world,
and I can’t leave
because I can’t lock the car
because I don’t have the key!

Can’t even open the door because I’m on the busiest street,
and can’t drive away (because the key is gone)
or turn on air conditioning or open windows (because the key is gone),
and I am losing my mind from the heat and the tightness.

Slightly Wiser Me

“Wise-me!”, I call,
and she is kind enough not to say I-told-you-so,
she reminds me to breathe through the tears, and to trust in
All Is Well,
as well as logic and truth:

(the key exists, it can be found)
(simple solutions will reveal themselves when I stop panicking)
(drink water and thank past-you who refilled water bottles)
(ahhhhhhhhhhh)

Thank you

And, with that thank-you-exhale, my fingers find the key,
I arrive at my appointment seconds before they lock the door.

Thank you, Wise Me,
you were right you were right you were right
about all of it,
also hey guess what, my key now lives on a ridiculously findable keychain
and I arrive twenty minutes early everywhere I go,
because Entry Is Everything…

Birds, again

You guys! Remember that time a bird
nearly pooped on my head but
missed by a hair (ha! by a hair!)
because Incoming Me told me to stop where I was,
and I listened?

More listening,
with love.

This is a thing that can be hard for me to remember:
as much I instinctively rebel against anything resembling authority,
my internal wise knowing just is.

It is external Perceived Authority that requires dismantling,
Slightly Wiser Me has nothing but unconditional love for me,
whether I follow her suggestions or not,
she holds unwavering trust that no matter what I do,
I will find my way to her.

Trust

I will find my way to her, yes.

May I trust her as much as she trusts me…

This is another wish for June and beyond.

Plenty

Many astonishing things happened to me in May the month of Plenty,
some painful and some straight-up miraculous,
and I was trying to name them all
for this passage (because Entry Is Everything)
into this new Month of Vitality,
and then the barista bought my drink,
ah, hello Plenty, there you are again, and I got distracted,
and now Slightly Wiser Me wants my attention again…

She: This can be so much easier than you think
Me: It can?
She: FOLLOW THE NOs
Me: Wait, is that Follow The Nose or Follow The [No]s?
She: Sure. The instinctual sense of what is not yours, and also, yes, what smells right to you. Trust your wise mammal, your panther self. Cultivate that.

What would it be like to never doubt my no and
never doubt my nose?
And what if my [No]s is a version of my [KNOWS],
and following my nose is trusting what I know,
aka what she knows,
and maybe that is the same.

Another wish for June and beyond

A moment of Glum

Me: Slightly Wiser Me! Talk to me. I am feeling very glum right now
She: That’s allowed.
Me: I want to be a glamorous 1960s cat-burglar played by Audrey Hepburn. Fun and playful and limber and alive. A charming troublemaker with a good heart. Clad in black, flaunting authority, speaking French when needed, I am imagining croissants are vital in this movie. But what do I do when Audrey Hepburn is feeling too glum to come up with plans for the awesome heist that restores the jewels/maps to their rightful owner? I mean, yes, she is charmingly glum, but what do we do with that?
She: I think we can let her mourn how genuinely hard things have been lately.
Me: Okay good point, and then what?
She: Well my love, there is no Then What.

Trust, again

Me: That’s what I don’t get. Does that just mean, okay, whatever emerges emerges? Or is that, like, some deep thing about how There Is Only Now, and if so, what am I supposed to do with that when there is so much glum?
She: The plot will resolve itself, it always does, no one has ever made a movie where the heroine just glumly gazes out at the rain for the entire thing. Okay, possibly in some very French art film. But this is not how a caper goes, and your movie is a caper. This is just a moment, and you need to trust that this moment is relevant to the plot, and also that it will pass.
Me: Huh.
She: Allow the moment to be the moment. Trust the filmmakers and the directors and the actors and the casting people and the people who do the cool rain effects. They have this under control.

Invoking superpowers for the month of Vitality

Wild Vitality
Trust What I Know / Follow The Nose
I Am The Wild Sensualist
Entry Is Everything
I Love the Transitions / I Live In The Air
My Glow is Palpable / My Boundaries Are Palpable
Everything With The Greatest Of Ease
All Good Intentions Shine Through (mine and those of others)
Hey That Was So Much More Fun Than I Expected
Delight In Life And Aliveness
Yes To Self-Cherishing And Self-Treasuring
Everything Is A Warmup For Resting
Doing Nothing Is A Secret Tryst With Incoming Me
Part The Seas For My Magnificence (I See My Own Glow)
What Is In The Pot Can Change Based On How I Enter The Moment Of Removing The Lid
Presence, Grace, Embodied Fullness of Right Here Right Now
Breathe And Breathe Some More
Everything In Its Season
Yes To The Yes And No To Everything Else
Minimal Effort Maximum Magic
All The Best Surprises
Bells Ring
It’s All In The Bag

May it be so. For June and beyond…

Is there anything else I want to put into the pot for June?

I am focusing on internal space and being
the most fierce, fearless and sometimes even straight up intimidating
glorious Panther of glowing boundaries,
may this echo into the world and
may we all be less swayed by the immense fuckery going on in the world
which is indeed immense, amen.

And I am feeling-imagining
how my spine and pelvis are made of jewels, as is my crown
(the crown of my head and the invisible crown),
trying to remember that regal, grounded composed and powerful are
inside me somewhere, part of my nature as
a mammal, an embodied being, a beautiful spirit playing inside
this game of figuring out how a body works,
in all its limitations and in all its capabilities.

My mission is to strengthen my awareness,
heal any residual amnesia
aka the parts of me who have forgotten embodied presence,
and to feel/awaken this aliveness
inside me,
may it be so…

{ANNOUNCEMENT!}

I am still working on putting together a page for crowdfunding purposes that can double as a way for people who read to express thank-you-and-love for my work in the world, as well as a way for me to express thank-you-and-love in return, in the form of some if not all of the cool things that I’m currently working on — which you can read about in the last post! If you’re on the list, you’ll get a note, and I will try to post about it soon too.

THANK YOU.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

Consider the joy factor / May it be plentiful

Door of Plenty

Content note!

Aka a loving reminder to read this with a steady force field…

This post deals in part with neurodivergence and unique brains, and I have found that this topic is a People Vary thing — some people find diagnoses comforting and useful (“Ah! This way I am has a name! And now I have a community and more information!) while other people react negatively to having labels given to their unique way of being, and do not wish to be diagnosed.

I myself am in the latter camp (just for me, not for anyone else), though yes I am absolutely somewhat spectrumy on the magical unicorn spectrum, and I do self-identify as Highly Sensitive (aka Sensory Processing Sensitivity) as well as High Sensation Seeking, all of which are considered traits and not disorders.

I personally reject the word “disorder”, but the point of this preface is really just to help us remember the principle of People Vary. People Vary! As do vocabulary choices and preferences. Or: How I experience the world does not need to be how you experience the world! So if you happen to be in the camp of Oh Thank God For My Diagnosis And Having A Name For This Is The Best, please know that I support you completely in this, and have lots of love for you. See also Laura’s wise words!

an apple

My uncle sent me off to motorcycle school,
tucking a shiny red apple into the top of
my motorcycle boot,
I found it when I woke up
and felt loved and cherished and supported

instead

It is so good that my life is now populated by
the kind of people who don’t say any of
the things my monsters say
for example
he could have said
[THIS IS SO DANGEROUS] or
[WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ARE YOU SURE ARE YOU SURE] or
[BUT WAIT WHAT ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL/DIVERGENT BRAIN]
and instead he said [apple]

translations

I translated the apple to mean
I love you and want your life to be full of joy!
as well as related things like
hey you’re going off to school!
and: nourishment and sweetness for you!

I quit motorcycle school after the first twelve minutes of the second day

The first day was excruciating for my special brain in a very particular way*,
but day two was when it all fell apart

I have HSP superpowers and sensory processing superpowers
and possibly also some Michael Scofield superpowers**
and I take in oh a hundred times more
information and input from the world than most people,
and can get very overwhelmed very quickly
especially when I need to do physical things

(and I vehemently reject the word “disorder”)
(because I am not disordered)
(there is nothing wrong with me)

but these do make motorcycle school a challenge

* The classroom time was EXACTLY like the nightmare in which I am sent back to high school as an adult, by the time the other students could find an answer on the page after repeatedly guessing wrong, I’d already memorized the entire manual and was straight up losing my mind with boredom, but as soon as we got to the range and had to work on muscle memory, I was completely lost…

** Did you know that low latent inhibition anagrams to Into A Billionth Twine? Did you know that my crush on his character knows no bounds? A hero whose brain is not like mine but is different in kind of a similar way, and who uses this to pull off a genius prison break! YES PLEASE MORE PLEASE!

(more whispered parenthetical asides)

(What if the thing that is actually disordered
is not us but our culture and its
total lack of understanding or curiosity
vis a vis the magical unicorn spectrum!)

(What if we could all find more appreciation for neurodivergence,
and build a new culture that celebrates it!)

(What if I am in fact a wild witchy wonder with superpowers, how magnificent!)

out

So of course, as the monsters keep reminding me,
as pretty much anyone could have predicted,
not only can I not handle an eight hour day of sensory input
(and people and their energy and being observed),
but of course the actual motorcycle riding part of the training was
too overwhelming and fast-paced for a Havi, I was slowing everything down,
the instructors were impatient with how slow I was
even basic shit like figuring out how to turn the bike on,
I could not keep up

And I noticed I was disassociating
which seems like probably not the best for operating a vehicle
so I left

wise me in the wings

I knew, even in the moment of leaving,
somewhere deep in my body-mind,
that this was a good choice for a Havi,
because Wise Me is full of compassion and truth, she knows
that exiting the training is truly the embodiment of
my life goal of extreme self-treasuring,
and anyway the point of this mission was not to achieve anything but to
[be brave and show up and try and learn how I need to learn],
and hey now I can set up my own training at my own pace,
and re-take the course later
when I feel ready
but

but

But the Loud Monstrance of self-recrimination was too noisy,
and I could not access Wise Me,
even as I could feel her love,
the monsters were too many, and everything they had to say
seemed extremely reasonable in the moment,
do you want to hear what they said?

[here is some of what the monsters said!]

ugh you are so bad at life AND
you just wasted hundreds of dollars AND
you set back feminism by two hundred years by being the woman who quits without even trying AND
the faraway cowboy was so excited for you and now he won’t love you AND
ugh the shame of having told people you were getting your endorsement AND
now everyone thinks you’re scared of riding when really you just hate being slow,
why do we process so slowly and lose our grounding so fast,
yes, you are bad at life in a basic way that is just insurmountable
and you will never get to learn exciting new things because it costs
so much more time and money just to be you and to
make any learning experience accessible
so what’s the point

Consider the Joy Factor

A favorite yoga person named Brie often says
about the pose we are in, when considering variations of it or
if we want to do it at all…

Consider The Joy Factor

my joy for motorcycles and for new skills is high
but my joy factor in
that particular training was in the negative thousands,
so if the yoga of life is, as I believe it to be,
practicing kindness, awareness, non-violence and self-cherishing
through [remember to breathe] and [consider the joy factor],
well, yeah, let’s consider the joy factor here
and maybe I can stop judging myself for having made/received
a Safety First choice based on that

to the labyrinth

I exited the training and didn’t know what to do
to get back inside of my body
but then I remembered the Book of How A Havi Works
and the useful guideline of
{BREAKFAST MAKES THINGS BETTER!}
so I did that, which helped a lot, and then to the labyrinth
which I walked three times,
asking it to show me what to do with all this
shame-regret and self-recrimination
and of course it said many wise things
as labyrinths do

and hey, monsters, guess what, people who do NOT have my “disorders” tend to have a much harder time hearing the beautiful things that labyrinths say, even though labyrinths are pretty much constantly saying beautiful things, so I’m not sure why having EXTRA abilities is so deeply misunderstood, but what if we just pause to celebrate everything that I am instead of stressing out over what I am not

here is what the labyrinth told me

Round one: YOUR MAGNIFICENCE HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD, so do not discount it, and also please remember that treasuring your pace is self-treasuring

Round two: Hey listen, how you are as a human is okay, and your okayness is in no way changed by this experience, and guess what, you are allowed to want what you want (in love, in motorcycles, and in all things)

Round three was a doozy, as it always is, and it said this:

THERE IS A STEADINESS THAT IS YOURS
it is your inheritance as a human, it belongs to you,
but to claim it you must HONOR YOUR BOUNDARIES
(so much more than you do now),
and set clear expectations of what you need,
as early as possible
(and much earlier than you think)

architecture

My friend said to me,
I’m glad there is so much good architecture in your unconscious,
and she said this in response to a dream I had about spare rooms,
but I’m pretty sure she meant this in other ways as well

I too am glad for all this good architecture
in my unconscious
and for the rhythms that live inside me
in my pulse, heartbeat, breath, all of it,
and for the immense good fortune of having found such wise friends

speaking of wise friends

I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through that day, when I left the training in tears, and the faraway cowboy was nowhere to be found, for days, and I could not find Wise Me either, and it was so painful…

So I feel especially thankful not only for my good internal architecture, but for my wise and loving friends who texted their support when I felt so lost and alone, let’s breathe in their wisdom and love again!

WISDOM from my wise friends

Agent Emdee: UNDILUTED LOVE. And headspace protection from BS of all forms (community college classroom, cultural crap, the noise of everything). Welcome to the club of “I tried that and quit after fifteen minutes”, it’s a big club and I know you’ll like all the people in it. And the biggest trophy for listening to your body’s wisdom, it said no, and that is that. You will later learn why. And even though right now it might feel like it’s about motorcycles, it’s not. Your body gave you a major, solid piece of no information and you followed it, and I admire that.

Lucky Lola: Agent, you are so brave and badass fierce for recognizing your NO in that moment and acting on it. Building new pathways for action requires time and clues. Riding a motorcycle requires balance, which you have in such abundance. It is normal to give yourself time to integrate a new balance between you and machine. So much love!

Lady K of Jewels: I’m glad you’re so psychic so you can feel all the love and amazed at your ability to have your own back and not get swept into expectations. It’s revolutionary. Good on you for taking your own side enough to act on your realization. Also, you could never set feminism back. Asserting that there are multiple ways of showing up in the world and in learning situations is the MOST feminist action you could take.

Sailor L: You did an amazing thing! You got out of a place that wasn’t right. Leaving and not putting up with that culture is next level feminism, it’s so important to be able to say, nope, this doesn’t work with my boundaries, bye.

B of Bliss: Most people don’t even try to do things that rattle them, so we don’t see them crash and burn (you like bad puns, right?) which makes it even more spectacular when we do. And you are really smart and good at lots of things, which makes it harder (for the monsters) when you happen to struggle with something.

Agent Sloan: Ohyesyesyes leaving was clearly a good move. And also motorcycles will still be there, so all is well.

Star Ally: You challenge yourself with really hard new things! And once you figure things out you are so good at them, so there must be something really great about how you learn, even if initially frustrating in how it differs.

Also I just realized that all my friends are people I know from Rally aka from this blog, so that’s kind of amazing too.

What is my real wish around motorcycles?

To feel wild and alive and powerful and free,
what beautiful wishes!

I still want this, I just need a much slower way to learn
maybe I can to develop my own motorcycle-school-for-me to ease me into my wish without forcing

Report from the water

Past-me was so smart and set up float tank time for both before and after
the training (before for calm, after for ease of integration)

And since water talks to me,
because I am witchy and sensitive and I brain differently,
and, possibly more importantly, I listen differently,
I can tell you what the water told me….

I mean, I probably should not admit that water talks to me,
like, possibly that counts as a “pre-existing condition” under the AHCA,
so just telling you this feels like an act of rebellion

I came to the water with a Wish and a clear Intention

To learn in my body-mind how to be more of a badass,
and to believe-and-remember:

I am such a badass
Motorcycles are intuitive and fun for me
MY GLOW POWER IS EXCEPTIONAL!
I AM AT HOME IN MY POWER!
My boundaries are stellar

(I trust my wise instincts completely)
(I am able to see how I did the right thing)
(I am treasure and now I know how to better treasure myself)

Wisdom received from the water, round one

Crown is not something you earn,
it is something you remember and adjust.

Your boundaries are sacred.
You don’t earn these either, it just is.

This is something you get better at over time,
acting like nothing is ever as valuable as your boundaries.

Badass is innate, not a thing you get a license for.
You just remember that you are X, it’s not about training for X.
Or, you train in X through remembering that you are X.

You are TOUGH, FIERCE AND WILD already, it is your embodied nature.
All you have to do is remind yourself.

Wisdom from the water, round two

I made of love and actually
EVERYTHING IS MADE OF LOVE,
so my only job is to — TRUST LOVE MORE (YES) —
to feel love and treasure myself unconditionally,
writing on my body to tell it how exquisite it is,
and love my beautiful neurodivergent brain (I AM A WONDER)

Fires, again, and trusting love more

The cowboy of the clan of Lovemore eventually came back and tried to casually toss some
sweetness logs on a fire that was no longer there,
and I was like, buddy how do you not even realize you’re just
putting pieces of wood on the ground
where a circle of stones happens to be
that is not even how fires work
and maybe you were avoiding the sputtering embers but
the thing to remember with this fire
is not that it might burn your house down if you forget it
but that it might not be there to come back to,
and then I wanted to cry but I just felt nothing for a long time

I don’t want to feel [nothing]
I want to trust love more
I want a love that celebrates me
and I really want to stop caring about how other people love me
and be present with my heart,
awake to my own magnificence

This is related to the identity mysteries
and the motorcycle mysteries
and all this work of life,
now I know my wish

What are my wishes?

If it is mine, it returns to me,
not attached to results,
I am here to treasure myself and my beautiful brain,
at home in my own fieriness,
and in my waters,
in my commotion and in my quiet

May it be Plentiful.

Guess what the superpower of the month of May is
as determined aka received by past me last September

{{{{{{BOUNDLESS JOY!}}}}}

The fact that I forgot-and-rediscovered this while writing
this post on the topic of Consider The Joy Factor
well, that is pretty great

Wait, an aside

Honestly you guys it feels surreal to be writing about Plenty (or about anything) while grieving what happened today in the House of Representatives when they voted to screw over the American people and deny us health coverage.

As you may be aware, things in the United States have taken a turn for the authoritarian, with fun new developments like a woman facing a year in prison for having briefly cough-laughed at the Jeff Sessions confirmation hearing, and now this “healthcare” bill that, if passed by the Senate, will deny coverage to millions of citizens based on absurd pre-existing conditions (for example, sexual assault will be a pre-existing condition, so no woman will ever report assault because then we can’t actually get medical treatment, and if you’ve ever been sexually assaulted aka if you are a woman and alive, you may be less inclined to share information which could help other women), and this new system will disproportionately harm native women, people of color, trans people, people with disabilities. Oh and hey, police are still killing black children, with zero consequences, while a known and admitted sex offender and his fascist buddies are in the oval office figuring out how speedily can they destroy the planet in a “get rich quick then kill everyone scheme”, so yeah, things are not great and I cry every time I call my representatives.

And, at the same time…

And, at the same time, now more than ever,
it is time to focus on what is plentiful
breath, tears, purposeful rage, love that comes from within me for me,
fierce self-treasuring
standing up for what I believe in, ready to fight
in May, the month of Plenty
so let’s breathe
and breathe and breathe some more,
and take care of ourselves so we can do what is needed

May the month of Plenty

May the month of Plenty be Plentiful
May, the month of Plenty, may it be plentiful,
and may (may!) I remember that the thing which is plentiful is joy,
joy is what plenty is about,
and let there be plenty of this as well,
this remembering which is everything

may all of our wishes be received with love,
may we receive ourselves with love

{ANNOUNCEMENT!}

I am in the process of putting together a page for crowdfunding purposes aka solving a current scary dilemma, which is not the most fun for me, but I am trying to remember that this is also a way for people who read to express thank-you-and-love for my work in the world, as well as a way for me to express thank-you-and-love in return, in the form of some if not all of the cool things that I’m currently working on — which you can read about in the last post!

Anyway, if you’re on the list, you’ll get a note, and I will try to post about it soon too.

THANK YOU.

Invitation: come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!