What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

Excited ignited anagram chicken

Friday chicken

Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…

Hello, week: we are here.

Thank you, week. Thank you, space to reflect.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

This is week 427 of this ritual, and so we chicken.

Or check-in, if you prefer to enunciate.

If you feel drawn to comment on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles — I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are always welcome

What’s been working? What do I want to play with….

Words work for me.

I cannot even tell you how transformative it was to discover that editing anagrams to IGNITED!

For the first time in my life I was able to approach a massive editing project with excitement rather than dread. The truth is, I actually kind of like editing, but I never want to start. Sort of like how I never want to wash a gigantic pile of dishes but then I get into warm water zen state.

Except now I have the superpower of Excited and Ignited about editing, and this is very good.

I want to be more active and intentional with using word-magic.

Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  • The hard weekend that was hard. Breathing love.
  • The aftermath of the hard weekend: I’d think I was finally okay and then get hit again with even more waves of big emotion and turmoil. Breathing safety.
  • Vestibular hyperacusis: massive panic attacks and physical trauma triggered by very loud sounds. Breathing safety for Then and also for now.
  • Patterns. I worked my ass off on an editing project, and finished all 23,600 words in one long intense day, thinking it would feel so good to be done, except then: whoosh straight into old monster patterns. Zero ability to celebrate the accomplishment and directly into panicking about everything I wasn’t dealing with while focused on the mission at hand. As if not a moment can be spared because I have to immediately go solve the next impossible mystery. It’s like I get to the top of the mountain and all my energy and attention has been focused on getting me to the top, and I am so thoroughly convinced that I will feel amazing when I get there, able to chill out and rest and enjoy the spectacular view. But that never actually happens because getting there reminds me of all the things I haven’t been taking care of while climbing the mountain, and I just want to throw up. Breathing compassion, it’s just a pattern, it’s part of the rigged game, it’s completely understandable. Noticing the pattern changes the pattern.
  • The mystery/challenge that still doesn’t have a solution, and circumstances (plus an unanticipated piece of hard news) are forcing the deadline, and I still don’t know what the answer is or how to go about resolving this. Breathing.
  • I don’t want to the museum to close because I’ve loved working there for the past eleven years, but I also don’t see a sustainable way to fund it, and I just don’t have energy required to design the exhibits and figure out fundraising. No, that’s not it, because it’s not just about energy, it’s about focus and intention. I need to be immersed in a creative state to be the best possible museum curator, and I can’t do that when I’m not being paid, and when there aren’t funds for the museum to run, and I don’t know what to do about this situation. Breathing trust, whatever the answer is, may I find peace with this.
  • Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!

  • The healing powers of water. Many peaceful hours in the pool letting go of things that are asking me to let them go. Breathing for the fantastic good fortune of house-sitting a place in the middle of nowhere with hot pools for me to play in.
  • Being out under the milky way at night, my only view is stars, this is all I have wanted for months and months, and now it is here and it is so very good. Breathing appreciation.
  • The situation that was so completely unbearably agonizingly painful a week ago is easing, there are still waves of big emotion around it, but each new day I have so much more intel, more awareness, more spaciousness, more peacefulness. I see the treasure and the blessing in going through it. I am okay. This is big movement in a positive direction, more than anticipated, each day easier, and next week easier than that, and so on. Breathing for perspective, and for love.
  • Speaking of love, well, love is a very good thing. Love and sweetness, my week was full to the brim with these. Breathing for the treasure in this.
  • Finished editing 23,600 words! Made enormous project on two other writing projects! Breathing celebration.
  • In a rich vein of wild creative output, writing up a storm, full of ideas, perspective and insight. This is what it is like to be in a quiet place where I can play, after this intense year of noisy environments and chaos. Breathing joy.
  • Last week I asked for a metaphor that would help me navigate a tough situation, and I found the most perfect one ever, almost by accident. Breathing appreciation.
  • Lots of little mysteries and challenges have been resolving themselves quietly behind the scenes, without my input and without any worry on my part, this is good. Breathing thank you.
  • Increased awareness of [patterns], small shifts, new choices, watching the kaleidoscope change based on how I react and how I change my approach. Breathing for this.
  • Big excitement, big hope, big anticipation, bigness! Idea sparks and stars. Breathing for incoming good.

Superpowers.

Last time I asked for the superpower of Amazing Ease, Grace and Steadiness, so that this wobbly situation becomes something that is no big deal. This seemed like the most audacious thing in the world to ask for but here I am. I also specified “grace like not falling on my face, or at least doing it in style like I meant it”, and this week’s proxy involved being Diana Rigg from The Avengers, who is basically the embodiment of that. Perfect.

Now I would like the superpower of wild audacious powerful sexy radiance. I want to experience what it is like to be be in glow-state star-state, unapologetically taking up space and feeling amazing, thank you.

Announcement time….

Quieting the monsters is one of the most useful self-fluency skills there is. You can buy the monster manual which is available here, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say. And it comes with a coloring book.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

rainbow oasis

very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 376th week of wishing, come play!

clues everywhere

once upon a time I wished for clues everywhere
(may I see them and laugh)
and now this is just a power that I have;
something that feels so familiar as to be intrinsic
I don’t even remember what it was like to not have
clues right in front of me
or to miss them even though I was tripping over them,
now I am someone who just lets them land in my heart
as easily as I would cup my hands to receive a snowflake
and let it kiss my waiting palms
whispering thank you

thank you

smile at stars

back in 2014 when I wished to be someone who sees clues everywhere I asked:

may I see clearly, breathe deeply,
take exquisite care of myself, ask loving questions, choose peacefulness,
smile at stars

and now I am out in idaho on operation wild freedom under the stars
learning how to live by the moon
and be a star

smile at stars

this morning I forgot how to be in my star-like clarity and radiance
crying quietly in the car
thinking about something that hurts in my heart with intensity
thinking what if it hurts this much forever
I thought: I need to remember the stars
because then it will be okay

I will glow my way through this with love and compassion
with great tenderness for the tender places
and one day there will be ease
which will allow me to look back on this vulnerable time
and be at peace

then we arrived at the cafe and I went to the bathroom
on the wall in front of me:
a large print of The Starry Night

thank you

thank you, wishes / thank you, me-who-wishes

I wished to be someone who smiles at stars and look
here I am, smiling at stars
in a restroom in Twin Falls

I wished to be someone for whom
clues are readily available
and here I am, smiling at clues

whatever qualities and abilities I wish for today
will be mine one day
maybe they are mine already

friday

late friday night in the car on the way to a hotel
to hide out in a giant bed
and make space with sweetness and intention for
vulnerable honest open clarity
about a tangled heart-hurting situation

a combination of trepidation
what will I learn that I don’t want to know
and determination
the me of next week who has been through this weekend is
wiser and more grounded than I am, more trusting,
she has skills and superpowers that I don’t even know about,
and I am ready to meet her and become her

oasis

I thought: I need to be comforted
but there is something beyond comfort
what is it

glancing out the window of the car
passing a shop called Oasis
just as a song by the band Oasis comes on the radio
there it is
oasis is what I need

thank you

at the oasis

the hotel had a small hot pool
completely empty
and I immersed in it for a long hour the next morning
thinking many thoughts
alternating between raging vengeful fury lashing out in pain
splashing my anger across the tiled walls
the embodiment of turbulence
and also thankfulness for everything I have

for example

this quiet peaceful oasis all to myself
warm water is where I heal
and oh this unconditional brave love I have for myself
and healing is kind of my thing
gratitude for everything I have been through because now I
no longer fear exploring the dark places of my internal landscapes
thank you for this strong healthy body that I love and loves me back

I mean, wow, a healthy relationship with the space that houses me,
speaking of wishes I once never believed would come true
and all the many skills and superpowers I have
cultivated over the years
they are all here to help me cross through this
I trust my ability to do this, I trust my skills, I trust
the process of life
ready to love-more-trust-more

rainbow

suddenly a rainbow sliced across my field of vision
as light from outside met the water and
repeating shiva spiral patterns danced on the ceiling above me
I understood that this was a form of mikveh
a rainbow oasis
just for me

I remembered what Karla says about how anger is a messenger
whose message is about a boundary that needs to be restored

thank you

restoration

it was beautifully clear which boundary was asking me for restoration
and so my anger turned to peaceful understanding
because there is actually no one to be angry at in this situation
and restoring the boundary can be as simple as
stating my preferences with clarity and love
(maybe not easy, but simple)
trusting that it is safe for me to want what I want
regardless of how it is received

that’s the hard part, but that’s what this weekly practice of naming wishes has been training me to do

resolution

everything that needed to be resolved was resolved
there were star clues everywhere
including on the tiny spur of a cowboy boot
stamped on the back of my hand at the dance club

star clues say: glow, glow
star clues say: do not forget your power
star clues say: give this time and presence
star clues say: be in your state of light to shed light

clear the path to clear the path
approach everything with intention and clarity
and it will get lighter

what other forms of resolution do I want to wish while I’m wishing

these are all interrelated wishes
even though I don’t see how they are connected yet:

wishing ease for the forgotten nightmares
for the violent night terrors to disappear
(I thought they already had but it turns out they’re
still happening every night and I just don’t register them consciously)

wishing ease for vestibular hyperacusis
whether in the form of a magical solution to it
or in the form of taking better care of myself
to guard my superpowers and protect my body

wishing ease for the parts of me who are still clinging to pain
yes please to laughter and love and perfect simple solutions
yes please to new metaphors
a new way of seeing
clear-eyed appreciation for what is

wishing to maintain this state of gratitude
for clarity and presence
rainbows and stars
what it means to have crossed through this intense weekend
and now here I am so ready to
glow my star power

may it be so!

the superpower of I Am So Very Clear

months-September-VPA-2016

August was MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and now we are in the month of INTENTION and I Am So Very Clear

there is so much in this too that I had not anticipated: Clear Knowing, Discernment, Resonance, Transparency, all the many beautiful forms of clear

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called live by the moon
and this is exactly what I am doing

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes