What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

backwards & upside down chicken check-in

Honey Coated

We have a Monday chicken check-in this week because Friday was packing up again, Saturday was given to coming up with a new plan, and both Sunday and Monday were moving days again, because everything in Tucson is booked right now, and all my backup plans fell through.

Anyway, I didn’t want to throw away leftover ingredients and provisions from my nine day stay in the canyon, so I organized them all very carefully in my Wandering Galley Kitchen On The Road backpack, a thing I invented.

And somehow a very expensive jar of lavender honey decided to open itself along the drive and thoroughly coat every single item I had packed so thoughtfully.

Have you ever watched a cooking video where they tell you to really rub your spice mixture in well to make sure you get every crevice. This jar of honey was on that kind of mission.

So now I’m on cleanup duty and wondering if this is, hmmm, not exactly a metaphor but kind of an encapsulation for the Month of Do-Overs.

In other words, plans are bullshit, preparation is a joke, choose the path of least resistance, follow ease, react less, let things be done when they’re done, etc.

Weekend Check-in, we made it.

Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, but another form of remembering, turning inward with attentiveness.

We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.

Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.

If I neglect to name something big in the world, could be ADHD, but also I’m on an extended break from news after spiraling hard in December.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO and THING ONE are still the pandemic and the dissonance, the lack of an agreed upon reality or even a shared context, whether regarding the coronavirus or political reality or anything at all.

The place I was staying had a super bowl party. They invited me to their super bowl party. I am not keyed in to anything, so not only did I not know it was the time of year for the super bowl, it had not even occurred to me that it would still be happening in the middle of a pandemic. Seems like a lot of touching????

Which is honestly just rude. Like, don’t rub it in, football players. Or lavender honey.

Anyway, the point is, I have not socialized in nearly a year, unless you count the walk with my friend when the hornet stung me, and I do not plan to socialize until everyone has been vaccinated, and even then, not entirely sure if I want to. The entire situation was baffling to me. Like wandering into another reality. I don’t like it.

Related: it is challenging for me to conceptualize any kind of after. My trust is low. I’ll be glad to get a vaccine whenever that happens but having any amount of excitement feels like another variation on the Mueller Report, a hope-generating scam. I hope I’m wrong, and it’s just my Eeyore side wanting to protect me from let-down.

In addition to being a covid party hot spot, my temporary home also featured a construction project and a very impressive audio system, with a subwoofer that took its job seriously. Have you ever found yourself in a car next to another car thumping bass with such intensity that you have an out of body experience? If you collect disruptive sensory experiences, that’s one for the books. Anyway, that’s what it was like when they were watching sports or a movie, but I’d already made several requests in the interest of covid safety, and wasn’t up to more negotiating.

I hex them with email filters that don’t work (hat tip to Kathryn for my new favorite hex), and a collection of small misfortunes, minor annoyances which taken together make them wonder if they’ve wronged a sorceress.

Also discovered I’m allergic to mesquite. Really the only thing better than vibrating all the way out of your body due to a buzzsaw and a subwoofer is doing that while an alarming amount of snot is gushing out of your nose.

And V day is a prime example of how external culture is just generally unkind, uninclusive, celebrating the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I make my own plans for Victorious Day, and renew my commitment and devotion to a life of Pleasure & Freedom, enjoying the deliciousness of my life my way, and I try to avoid the world.

So of course my hosts gave me a pink card in a red envelope wishing me a happy [rhymes with Banal-entines] day, and cookies made only from ingredients I can’t consume, and it kind of felt like being given trash. I couldn’t think of a polite way to get out of it, which kind of sums of my entire two weeks of boundary issues, though I did manage to swiftly extricate myself from the place that was haunted, and the one with the yappy little dog.

Something about selfishness, need to explore that, lots of situations where people were just shockingly inconsiderate, and it was not about me, but same situation: having to share information about what I needed which seemed basic and obvious, and resenting having to put in a request for obvious basic needs, and then that information, once shared, not being respected at all. Gonna ponder on that some more.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • Sleeping well, doing my best to make JLo and the sleep gods proud by going to bed early.
  • Do-overs are what I do best. I’m an agile bobcat, I land on my feet, I can self-rescue.
  • I walked a labyrinth six times, two of those times backwards. That is, I backwards-walked it, you can only move one way in a labyrinth but I did it facing the other way, in honor of my wise, playful and completely magical uncle Svevo who is a devotee of backwards-walking, and it is his birthday this week, celebratory cake for Svevo.
  • The labyrinth gave me quite a bit of insight and several good clues, but my favorite part is that it told me, “You love a challenge. So use that.” It’s true. I do love a challenge. And also I spend a lot of time feeling annoyed about various challenges in my life. How can I use my love of challenges to find more fun in all the upheaval?
  • Victorious Day was surprisingly quite lovely despite some personal painful history there. I did Victorious things. My long lost lover gave me the gift of my favorite ginger chai cookie and we had a very distanced (as in: separate parts of the city) cookie date by text, it was simple and loving and very sweet and, this is a weird thing to say about someone I have complicated feelings towards, uncomplicated. The cookie too was delicious and a simple pleasure that went a long way (superpowers of that please), and I was inspired to do other delicious things like nap and enjoy quiet alone time, plus late night solitudinal immersion in a triangular hot tub under the stars.
  • The things that are good are very good. I feel appreciative of all the ways I am caring for myself in this time. My practice is holding me. Movement, meditation, sleep rituals, writing rituals, keeping phone off, it’s all supporting me, and I feel excitement again, about a surprisingly wide variety of things.
  • I am training hard right now and it feels amazing. Not sure for what, but the what will reveal itself later, like so many things.
  • While it is certainly more challenging to stick to my wish of Delicious Food, Beautifully Plated while constantly on the mood (haha that was supposed to be on the move, but why not both), I am making it work.
  • Deeply thankful. Reassuring texts from friends, sunshine, the saguaro who wave at me, each new word I learn, feeling the urge to slow down a lot on a quiet road, and then an entire family of javelina crossed right in front of me. Magic. Hopefulness. Basking in appreciation for moments of grace and this experience of being alive.
  • Speaking of my grateful thank-you heart, three more people sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, and I said this last week, and it’s still true, it is so lovely and it is easing my heart around the expense and time involved in moving and not being able to work, and also reminded me that I keep forgetting to share the link. It is always welcome and if I can land in a place, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

Joyful Agility (a check-in!)

Victorious Month

February is Victorious Month, in the world of me at least. It even comes with a V Day which is clearly for Victory (I refuse to hear any other explanations at the moment), and so I have been intently focused on the superpowers of Small Victories Are Also Victories. Aka everything counts.

My main theme at the moment is Joyful Agility, mainly related to the many mysteries of how to find ease while constantly moving in a pandemic when I hate moving.

What if I don’t hate moving at all? What if movement is grace?

I have been practicing this in my morning sun salutations by deciding that whatever number I’m on is lucky. LUCKY SEVENTEEN!

And the main thing I learned this week related to Joyful Agility, Stay Formidable, and Victorious Victories is that I really need to know my Non-Negotiables ahead of time.

So there ya go. Fake band of the week is Joyful Agility & The Non-Negotiables. Is this band just one person? Probably. Lucky Seventeen can be their first album.

Weekend Check-in (Chicken!), we made it.

Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, it is another form of remembering, turning inward, paying attention, attentiveness to self.

We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.

Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.

If I neglect to name something big in the world this week, could be ADHD, but more likely it’s my break from news after spiraling hard in December.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO and THING ONE are still the pandemic and the dissonance, the different worlds we seem to be navigating, the lack of an agreed upon reality or even a shared context, whether regarding the coronavirus or political reality or anything at all. My perception is that I can’t trust anyone, and I can’t even trust trust. My kingdom for consensus reality!

I was not able to solve The Mystery of What Happens Monday, what happened Monday was basically a disaster, and so I have moved four different times this week. Basically all I did this week was carry my things back and forth from my car, and fill time reluctantly.

Related: I dislike the phrase killing time, but is filling any better? Four times this week I found myself with a six hour window between checkout and checkin, with nowhere to go.

If we weren’t in a pandemic, I could have gotten some work or writing done in a cafe, or gone to visit a friend, but those aren’t possible, and so the time just needed to be filled but I couldn’t fill it with any of the things I perceive that I need or want to be doing.

One place I stayed was gross, one extremely haunted, one was fine but not available. The place I finally landed is bad news but sadly I am out of both options and energy, so now ten days to fill (yes) in a place that is really not acceptable. Another expensive, frustrating mystery, and thanks I hate it.

Missed out on yoga and my other morning practices three times because of the moving around, and my morning routines are really the main thing that keeps me functioning, so that’s not awesome, but we made it work.

Everything else is just a combination of boundary issues, Groundhog Day related challenges (aka this terrible situation is eerily familiar and nothing I try to get out of it seems to work), and living above a carpentry shop, which was another fun surprise that someone really could have mentioned instead of describing their place as “quiet and peaceful”. I hex them with deep abiding self-awareness, and rats.

I also encountered people who think the pandemic is a big hilarious joke, but I had to be polite to them, because I just lost an enormous amount of money trying to solve the What Happens Monday Mysteries, and this is my last place to stay, and one of them laughed in my face and then grabbed my hand to shake it before I could stop him. DO-OVERS FOREVER. And more hexing.

Oh, and because I had time to fill and no way to fill it and too many troubled thoughts, I began for the first time in weeks to really miss mindlessly aimlessly scrolling for clues on social media, so a heartfelt thank you to my friends who reassured me that it was all desperately boring and terribly depressing and that I was missing out on exactly nothing, and even if that was a lie to make me feel better, I appreciate it immensely, but also it kind of sounds possible and true, so who knows.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • Sleeping well, despite all the current tumult, sleeping well and maybe even close to enough. And without remembering dreams, a rare and blissful reprieve.
  • I’m an agile bobcat, I land on my feet, I can move through challenging times with steady grace, I’ve done it before and I plan to continue. I practiced SELF-RESCUE and got myself out of the terrible situation instead of trying to make it work like I did in November, which was a Known Disaster.
  • My friends kept me company by text this week and sent reassuring loving reminders about how I am a creative genius who knows how to solve mysteries, and that helped a lot.
  • Wandering the city all week led to some new fun discoveries.
  • Groundhog Day is my personal holiday of Do-Overs Forever, and I celebrated right, with yoga twice and breakfast twice and going back to bed.
  • My favorite breakfast place in Tucson named a certain beloved sandwich — aka my one true love breakfast, The Havi Special (when ordered the way I like it), and honestly I didn’t even know that was a life dream, but now that it has been fulfilled, I feel proud and happy to have achieved this wish that apparently I have always wanted and didn’t even know.
  • Star Car hit 100,000 miles just as I was crossing my favorite street to head towards Saguaro National Forest, it felt auspicious, well-augured. I rewarded her with a spa day aka oil change and car wash, and we both felt happy about making it this far, so to speak. I also feel better about having forgotten to celebrate her fourth birthday, because I love celebrating birthdays
  • Speaking of auspicious omens and of celebrating birthdays as often as possible, twice this week a hummingbird whooshed right past my face, which felt like being kissed by the air, if that makes any sense which it might not. But it felt magical and good, and I wanted it to be a good sign. Then I thought about reconnecting with my handyman in New Mexico after some months not connecting, to talk over the neglected projects (my piece of land is not livable or winter-ready), and just as I was trying to feel into what to say, he texted me! He told me it was his birthday and I said I would eat celebratory cake for him, and he told me he tries to eat cake as often as possible because it’s always someone’s birthday and he likes to celebrate birthdays. I said that this is a marvelous joyful life plan and I support it, and then, out of nowhere, he said that it’s joyful like when a hummingbird flies right past your face. So that was extraordinary because I hadn’t told anyone about the hummingbirds, and he told me that this is a very good omen, and a sign to keep up hope.
  • I attempted to try cake in the form of a cupcake, sans gluten, sans dairy, from the new patisserie, but I just don’t really get excited about cupcakes so in the spirit of Do-Overs Forever, I set off in search of The Havi Special which is not technically dessert but is made with honey butter so it feels vaguely dessert-adjacent in the sense that it is beautiful, special, celebratory and sweeter than you’d expect. Anyway, my adventure to visit my one true love (my sometimes eponymous sandwich) also involved seeing someone I like almost as much as I like having a Havi Special, and we went for a walk in the sun, and it was delicious and enticing, as celebratory rituals should be.
  • NEW WORLD RECORD FOR ME. Finished out January with a grand and glorious total of eight thousand and one sun salutations. They basically have to let me in to assassin school now, right? December record was seven thousand, so enormously impressed with myself right now, here’s to Joyful Agility.
  • Morning rituals are working, keeping phone in AIRplane mode (AIR = Access Internal Resonance) is working, giving five minutes a day to something I am excited about is working, and none of this is surprising but I am continually surprised. It feels so good to have some enthusiasm again, I wasn’t sure if it would return to me, but here it is, new and better. A breath of gratitude and wonder in my full thank-you heart.
  • Speaking of my grateful thank-you heart, two different people sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, and I have to say that it eased my heart around the expense and time involved in moving, and also reminded me that I keep forgetting to share the link. It is always welcome and if I can land in a place, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

Checking in with a Resilient Heart

A request for a Resilient Heart

Yesterday before first tête-à-tête aka twelve minutes communing with Incoming Me, I requested a resilient heart.

I often ask a question or name an intention before we sit together, but this formal request situation surprised me.

And usually even if I do have something in the category of a request, my preference is to frame that in the form of asking for clues; a felt sense to guide me, an insight of wild clarity, a next indicated step.

This time I just submitted a request. Wrote it on my notepad:

A Request for a Resilient Heart

The answer that came almost immediately, not from Slightly Wiser Me, but from my heart itself was that I already have one, a Resilient Heart is mine. And I said, ok sure except I don’t perceive the resilience.

The response was that it doesn’t matter because I’m still asking for something I already have and embody even if I don’t experience it that way.

What else am I longing for that I already possess? What requests am I submitting that are already taken care of?!

Weekend Check-in (Chicken!), we made it.

Reviewing the week aka check-in (CHICKEN! It’s fun to say!) is not only a reassuring ritual for me, it is another form of remembering, turning inward, paying attention, attentiveness to self.

We can name what was difficult and we can name what worked, I find naming to be therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? It’s all useful intel.

But also we are here to just take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and admiration and hand-to-heart appreciation.

And if I neglect to name something big in the world this week, could be ADHD, but more likely: my break from news after spiraling hard in December.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO is still the pandemic, the dissonance, the different worlds we seem to be navigating, the lack of consensus reality or even a shared context. Sometimes this fills me with fury and sometimes with despair, and a lot of the time I just can’t cope with it at all, and so I seclude even deeper, for better and for worse.

What else was not my favorite this week?

Related to Thing Zero, I have been trying to mail a letter for about a month, and every time I go to the post office to get a stamp, half the people have masks beneath their nose, including the staff, so I make it just inside and then panic and run away.

I know it’s possible to buy stamps online but I don’t have a mailing address most of the time, and I don’t know where I will be when because of The Ongoing Situation aka The Mysteries Of Place.

Related to the Mysteries of Place, I thought I was hiding out here at the casita until 10 February, but it turns out I exit Monday. Do I have a plan? I do not. Do I have any indication of where next? Can’t wait to find out.

Related to The Mystery of What Happens Monday, my internal criticism monsters have a lot to say about how I am unprepared for life in general, and bad at adulthood, and unequipped for life’s inconsistencies and vicissitudes.

Related to the Mysteries of Heart, some painful and uncomfortable realizations about past and present, and I’m still pellet-pushing in hopes of the tiniest crumbs of affection and sweetness.

Other than that, just tired. This full moon is a doozy. Anyone else feeling it?

If I were going to sum up my mood with music, I am somewhere in between Love Is A Bitch by Two Feet, and Unsaid with Norah Jones, with a splash of Straight Up by Paula Abdul.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • I have to say that I am feeling remarkably calm and grounded about the many great unknowns, including What Happens Monday and the surprising reappearance of love story from then. Is this related to phone off and an amount of yoga that could be described as alarming? WHO CAN SAY. But yeah, probably, that could be it.
  • Gently and firmly reminding the internal self criticism monster chorus that literally no one could have predicted the way this last year unfolded in general never mind for me specifically. This is uncharted territory. And I’m an agile bobcat, I land on my feet, I can move through this with steady grace, and I plan to.
  • Beautiful striking clues from the cards.
  • Keeping my phone in airplane mode which I call AIR mode (AIR = Access Internal Resonance), and wow, does that ever do wonders for both my focus and my emotional well being. The other day I didn’t even open it until evening, who am I and what is happening?
  • Clues have been showing up when I need them.
  • My meditations have been about loving myself so deeply that there’s nothing else, gain strength through detaching from outcome. A lot of tears, but a lot of good tears.
  • My heart is guarded, but my heart is also resilient.
  • Made pistachio fudge, and it was life-ruiningly good, all previous desserts are rebuked, canceled, and banished, because this is the holy truth of life itself.
  • Wrote ten thousand words on the essay I started back in May that was the most stuck. Not sure what I want to do with all these words or if this is the right venue for them, but they exist and the creative process was fulfilling, and how often can you say that? Maybe a lot, but I haven’t in quite a long time. Felt so good to be in intimate flow with myself again. A breath of for this grace.
  • Hot Girl Tu B’shvat! Yesterday was Tu B’shvat, the birthday of the trees; you eat fruit and nuts, and feel joyful and appreciative about trees. As holidays go, it’s a good one.
  • Morning rituals are working, in news that is shocking to no one, but I remain astonished. A breath of wonder.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

Noticing what I’m not noticing (a check-in chicken)

Noticing

During zoom yoga with my friend Cate, she suggested that we try noticing what we’re not noticing.

This reverberated in me like the perfect stone skipping across the waters of my consciousness. How do you notice what you’re not noticing?

It is a striking question. Or a request. To notice where my attention isn’t asks me to pause. Intention & Curiosity.

There are of course the usual suspects that I can notice I am probably not noticing, releasing tension in my jaw, there’s that tightness in the ribs I forgot about, oh and the vastness of the anger in my heart, haha how did I forget to notice that, has it just become part of the scenery.

Also the many things I don’t notice because they’re working just fine, a whole subset of forgotten goodness.

Anyway, a weekend check-in (CHICKEN!) is not only a reassuring ritual for me, it is another form of remembering to notice what I may not have noticed. We made it. High fives all around and admiration and some breaths.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

Obviously THING ZERO before all else, the absolute levels of fear in the collective as we all held our breaths for Inauguration wondering if we would get a peaceful reassuring day or if all hell would break loose again.

Thing One remains the combination of the pandemic and the dissonance between people who are committed to getting through it and people who still don’t seem to take it seriously. This is true for the pandemic and for many other things. A breath for how much I want consensus reality and can’t get it.

Thing Two, a variation on Thing One that I’m not able to articulate yet, something about about how the ongoing work of dismantling the very oppressive systems that I also benefit from, propagate and uphold is made unnecessarily challenging by that reality gap. Obviously this is not a new theme, and it’s an experience that is more challenging for more marginalized people, so this is not a poor me complaint, just a noticing and a noticing about the not-noticings, acknowledging the ongoing challenges of no agreed-upon reality.

(This is something I thought about a lot during the Kavanaugh hearings when most men in my life seemed to exist in a world in which thinking about the hearing was intellectually interesting as opposed to physically agonizingly painful, I am thinking about this now in a variety of contexts, anti-racism work, disability rights, protecting our trans friends, advocating for people without homes, undoing internalized fatphobia, all the big work of amends and internal rewriting. A pebble for the thing I mean.)

Thing Three is the exhaustion and the unraveling. I keep having mini-weeping sessions when I realize just how much tension the last five years of terror have put into my body, but I know a bigger release and possibly a massive delayed reaction meltdown is waiting for its big Broadway moment. Trying to function in a world in which that man had access to nuclear weapons was honestly a full-time trauma that we couldn’t even really fully express for fear of just losing all ground. Can I notice all that I didn’t let myself notice? Not sure I’m ready for that much noticing. Do I even remember what it’s like to not be on edge?

Thing Four: Still missing someone so much, and hating that I don’t have the ability to hold myself in higher regard on that front, but also noticing what is of the moment; intent on loving myself more because I am a human being who loves hard and hurts hard, this is part of being someone who feels so deeply and with such intensity.

Thing Five is this absolutely ridiculous culture we live in that wants January to be productive and about goals, when it’s winter (here in the northern hemisphere) and we all just went through the most stressful hell-month after the hardest year. I have received texts from almost every person I know this week and they have all been on the topic of “I simply cannot get anything done”, and I just want to confirm that the entire notion of getting things done not only needs to be kicked to the curb generally, but specifically as we emerge from this absolutely cataclysmic crucible of the last five years, we gotta just sleep it off and stare into space for a while.

And Thing Six is still not understanding how time works, after nearly forty four years of doing this being alive thing. I am in the middle of trying to undo a story about how I did not set up my day well / didn’t prepare well / didn’t understand time, because that is not true and that’s not how my wise selves experience me or time or my relationship with time.

All I know is that I can believe I am planning well and allocating time and attention beautifully, but even at my most focused and attentive, maybe one of the six things I think can fit in a day can get some love. A breath for this confusion and this process, and tending to my ADHD brain trauma brain with tenderness.

Breaths of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy for the hard things being hard, recognition that they really are a lot.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • Thank you, peaceful Inauguration day miracle. I watched absolutely none of it and instead committed to holding the force field for peacefulness. I took the word AUGUR from Inauguration, and spent the day as the Muse of Peacefulness. Drew cards, did a reading, gentle bobcat yoga all day, 365 sun salutations, five meditations, steady breaths all day for the collective. I’m not saying that’s what did it, but I’m not saying it wasn’t. Haha who knows if it helped at all but what matters is that I followed what felt strongly indicated for the day, and if it helped steady some of my friends, then that’s a sweet bonus.
  • A breath for remembering hope, some joy, vital first steps, grownups in the house, we can work with this to move towards what matters. Brand New Day superpowers. A breath for what is possible.
  • In an absolute miracle, got some focus, and everything that needed to get done somehow fit in without rushing.
  • The Inauguration brought the rains to Tucson after the driest winter, I woke up to it and breathed relief.
  • Heroically dealt with some things that are not my favorite, and it went okay, a trillion points to me.
  • My wish of Delicious Food, Beautifully Plated is still happening every day. I cannot emphasize enough what a huge deal this is. Not only because it’s been my wish to treat myself as well as I treat others, but given the reality that two months ago I was too depressed to feed myself at all, and couldn’t manage much more than grabbing a snack from the mini fridge in the absolute hellish tiny house where I was staying in the middle of Tucson.
  • Incoming me aka That Bitch, the me who knows about how to hold myself in High Regard, the one who doesn’t ever use the phrase “high maintenance” because that’s just Appropriate Standards, the one who remembers how to be the cat, the one who laughs when I say (as I so often do when I am mad), “I was born on an avalanche, I came out with abs and I’m here to fucking destroy you and your family!”. I love this self and the gifts they bring in images, dreams, bits of poetry, reminders, we talk all the time and are so in love with each other, blissful.
  • Two weeks ago I said, “I want an impossible want (a substantive apology from someone who hurt me, for starters), the only way to get my wish is to bathe myself in love until I can let it go.” And today after a long difficult conversation, I did receive the heartfelt apology I wanted and didn’t imagine I would ever hear, and it meant a lot to me. A breath of gratitude for the unanticipated, someone else taking the time to notice what they weren’t noticing, their intake of breath when they noticed what they hadn’t noticed, that was a gift too.
  • Today is the anniversary day of something in my life that is very painful, and I was dreading it, but then a conversation with a friend reminded me of the playful way she shifted a painful memory day for herself by declaring it a Feast Day. So I did the same and maybe I will share more about that later, for now I will just say that I didn’t expect this to work for me, but I ended up having a really beautiful and meaningful day, a breath for all the powers of rewriting, which is at the very heart of Self Fluency.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

It might be art (a check-in chicken)

It has been Decided (it’s art!)

Do you know the Art Decider twitter account? I am taking an extended holiday from social media which has honestly been luscious and restorative, who knew, other than literally everyone?

However, if one must be on Twitter (or if one is wisely not at all on Twitter and wondering what I’m talking about), the Art Decider account generously and hilariously confirms that many things are indeed art.

For example, if someone shares a ludicrous anecdote, someone might comment: @ArtDecider? And then Art Decider will comment: ART.

Anyway, sometimes this runs in my head all by itself, and as I took a bite of the first of my gorgeous, difficult-to-acquire, magnificent vegan bonbons from Monsoon Chocolate, I gasped and instinctively whispered ART.

So this has been my proxy or a sort of lens over this past week, and it has been amusing me in this time when small amusements help a lot. Is it art? ART!!!!

Here we are, a weekend Check-in (Chicken), checking in with ourselves and our week, naming what was hard and/or good, often there is cross-over, to practice presence and other good things in community. High fives all around and admiration (a parade if we want one) for making it here, and some breaths for all that was and is.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO before all else is still the same Thing Zero: existing in terrifying political upheaval here in the United States (with the extra fun backdrop of Thing One aka the pandemic and the specter of death, the grief-loss-panic-fear of it all). I wonder if the person driving next to me or walking on the street thinks armed white supremacists storming the Capitol is awesome, for example. I know we always are among people whose inner thoughts we find abhorrent, and the dissonance is not in any way new, it is just very loud. Hand on heart breaths for being in this tumult, and separating from the anxiety soup of the collective.

Thing Two: moving again, it is not my favorite. Taking care of everything myself, also not my favorite.

Thing Three is the unwelcome return of the 2am Witching Hour after a blissful five night reprieve.

Thing Four, unexpectedly heard from my long-lost lover. Just the most bland, unseasoned, uninspired attempt at reconnection. No spark. I miss spark life. I miss being a bonfire of love. This casual politeness borders on insulting; an unworthy offering to the goddess. Not Art!

My wish is to achieve a state of Devastating Serenity, from which to calmly notice when I am not being lovingly held in high regard, and casually ignore what doesn’t envelop me in warmth, without becoming a rage hurricane.

Thing Five is how I exist outside of time (ADHD plus dreamy piscean leanings), but live in a world that is time-bound, which means I continue to wildly overestimate not only how many things can fit into a day, but also my capacity and interest to give any of them any anything at all.

Thing Six the Blandemic — seemingly everything is uninspired, the internet is boring, fashion is dull, things I usually like feel lackluster. Not me, of course, I am at long last, having finally crawled from the pits of despair, back to being shining and sparkly, attuned to the Muse of playfulness and regeneration.

But everything else is unimpressive and NOT ART, sorry, this just is, I don’t know why, but my friend’s theory is that everyone took the break between xmas and new year’s to collapse aka encounter just how much trauma this year was, and the blandness is like a protective response. Maybe! Sounds reasonable!

Thing Seven: Boundary issues abounding.

And Thing Eight: My pause from social media and other distractions has mostly been a joy, but there is a post-sunset moment when I suddenly feel overwhelmed by the vast expanse of the hours before bed, crave distraction, but have no ability to focus on a book or a movie.

Then I realize I’m just gonna have to SIT WITH THE VOID and MY BIG TUMULTUOUS FEELINGS like a barbarian, haha, or really, probably more like: a person who is braver than I am.

Fortunately, I discovered that the You Must Contemplate The Abyss Otherwise You Are Indulging In Escapism is actually a clever internal self-criticism monster! So I’ve been watching food videos, learning how to pronounce words in other languages, reminding myself that seeking pleasure is a worthy pursuit for a Havi.

Breaths of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy for the hard things being hard, recognition that they really are a lot.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • Thank you, Sonoran desert, thank you sunshine, thank you, lovely patio furniture, I curled up on a couch in the sun like a happy lizard and listened to the birds.
  • Each day in my tête-à-tête (meditation) with my Incoming self, I put in a request for supportive solutions, for support in getting better at welcoming and recognizing supportive solutions. And this week something that has been one of my BIGGEST scary stressful worries since October just resolved itself beautifully, a perfect right answer showed up. Is this Art? It is Art!
  • Expanding on that, this superpower of I didn’t even have to do anything, it’s all working out, incredible, more of this please (I definitely have other situations that could use some surprise good fortune), thank you, miracles.
  • Not to brag (totally to brag, joyfully, because this is exciting), for the first time ever I have been able to consistently close tabs and empty the Box of In every day, instead of letting both these situations get so overwhelming that I just have to go hide. A trillion points to me.
  • A related thing I love: in gmail, when you have dispatched all your mail, it displays an illustration of a woman in a yellow coat happily reading in the grass in the sunshine. A rewarding image indeed. And I think the legs behind her are supposed to be hers, but it looks like she just casually tossed some guy off a cliff and went right back to her book while he sails over the edge; this resting assassin goddess is my actual hero. Goals! And also: ART.
  • My mental health preservation move du jour (all week long actually) was spending five hours a day in yoga/meditation/dance/movement/legs up the wall, and you’ll be as astonished as I was to learn that yes, I feel amazing, and somehow everything else got done too, so what is this Sorcery???
  • I enjoyed my solitude again this week, a delight after the agonizing loneliness of 2020.
  • My chiropractor wanted to know WHERE all my shoulder tension disappeared to, and I told him it was all the neck stretches I’ve been doing, which is not not-true, but it’s probably two weeks of avoiding Twitter and news sites, maybe it’s taking care of my mental health, maybe it’s Maybelline, WHO CAN SAY.
  • Fuck yeah, impeachment in the House. Was that this week? What is time? And yes, everyone texted me about it.
  • My week was filled with delicious food, all things luscious and enticing, I fixed myself beautiful plates and even did some cooking (who am I), and took pleasure in taking pleasure, for no occasion other than being alive, which itself (pleasure-taking as its own occasion!) is maybe one of my biggest wishes.
  • My thank-you heart is full: texting with friends, the absolute miracles of technology, Zoom yoga with my favorite New Mexico teachers, a bundle of creosote from the herb shop hanging in my shower and filling my space with the scent of the desert at its most magical. Is this art? It is art indeed.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot. Also if you wish to declare that things are ART (or Not Art), you are welcome, it is even more fun than it sounds!

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

The Fluent Self