Friday chickenWhere I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Hey. So. Those of you who can read between the lines have probably figured out that this has been a rough year for me, with the past few months getting progressively more rough.

I can’t talk about it here, partly because I’m not at liberty to discuss most of it and partly for other reasons. So I apologize for being cryptic, and yes, things have been pretty hellish for me, and I am waiting for a lot of different situations to resolve themselves.

In the meantime, I am using — and living by — the stuff that we practice and play with here. And that’s what is helping me with this challenging experience. So thank you for playing with me and being here while I go through this.

What worked?

Canceling appointments.

I canceled everything this week and was a hermit!

This was good. I didn’t even know how much I would need this, just acting on a hunch. Past-me is a genius. Again.


Using the things that I taught at my Crossing the Line retreat. Over and over again.

Going to the cafe. Getting my pot of harmony. Sitting in the same chair.

This was steadying and grounding.

Bouncing it up.

I kept dancing. When in doubt, dance dance dance and then dance some more.

This is not the right thing for everyone, but it is very much the right thing for me.

Next time I might…

Change the setting. Have even more snacks stockpiled.

It is so very hard for me to be in any situation where I know that everything outside is closed. I go into deep scarcity stuff and I think that it is THEN, even as I remind myself that now is not then.

So even though past me (and loving friends) did a great job of stocking the house with good things for Hermitsgiving, I need More Of That.

And what I’m getting is that I really need to be somewhere else where I can’t think about the fact that I can’t go to the grocery store or walk to a cafe or something, because that turned out to be a much bigger trigger than I’d realized.

Like maybe spend the week at a beach house. Or on Rally.

Wear more costumes!

I am convinced that Hermitsgiving could have been improved with the addition of costumes.

Ask for help sooner.

My friends are amazing. I don’t like asking and sometimes I forget that I can. But I can.

The hard.

  • Drama.
  • Pointless unnecessary painful drama.
  • Other people’s drama.
  • Other people’s drama being loud and in my space.
  • Other people needing their drama to be my drama.
  • People not having the tools (or having but forgetting the tools) to turn inward and process their drama on their own.
  • Not-fun phone call.
  • Nightmares and waking up in the middle of the night.
  • Trouble getting back to sleep.
  • Doom. Doom. More doom. The doomitty doom of doom! Lots of monsters, and also some people in my life who sound a lot like my monsters.
  • Sadness.
  • Grief.
  • Working through this ongoing personal crisis while all these other things were happening.
  • I had hoped that this week would bring some ease after a massive challenge got resolved last week, and I’d apparently been really looking forward to that because all of this hard that came with this week was surprising to me.
  • Too much computering.
  • Rearranging the house and now my bedroom feels smaller, and I can’t decide if it is cozy and charming or if it is going to drive me crazy..
  • A phone message that was full of hints of dread and doom.
  • Thanksgiving. I really, really dislike Thanksgiving, for a variety of reasons that I won’t get into, but let’s just say: PTSD and panicking. Not good.

The good.

  • Lots of sleep. Ten and a half hours on Friday night and again on Monday night. Naps all over the place.
  • Writing and processing. So much writing!
  • Saturday afternoon. Faraway playdate in a cafe. My faraway friend asleep next to me on the couch while I write. A pot of tea called Harmony. Rain outside. Soft music. Beautiful.
  • Going on a fabulous storytelling adventure with the delightful @vicarpac.
  • Back to my superpowers.
  • Back to my strength for the first time since the Crossing. Finally. Yay. Killing it at dance class. Double yay.
  • Compassion.
  • Courage.
  • Using the tools.
  • My brother.
  • Richard and Marisa.
  • Cafe days. And a very productive Fake Beach Day.
  • Turning the rain different colors, and also getting an unexpected clew.
  • Turning Thanksgiving into Hermitsgiving. Even though it didn’t really work, it gave me a form.
  • Descending to the rug for slow sweet yoga.
  • Rearranging the house. Things are new and different, and now I have a writing nook!
  • Sweet reassuring notes and letters and DMs from people who care and believe in me.
  • Paperless, again! This app is solving all the problems. And also turning into a portable Book of Me that tells me what to do when I am in any situation.
  • My playmate getting on skype at four in the morning to comfort me.
  • It’s over. Friday. We’re done. Goodbye, week. It was hard and it was over.

And! No matter how hard my week is, I know that I can come here on Friday and all of you will be here with me, whether silently or in the comments. I feel hugely appreciative when I think about this blog and the people who read and keep me company. Thank you.


A superpower I had this week…

Recognizing when I was grinding wheels and immediately stopping.

And a superpower I want next week.

The ability to maintain a deep, powerful, steady, loving focus on what I need. Commitment. Provision. Presence.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band comes from Nick and it is one of my all-time favorites:

The Soft C

Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat

I am this close to announcing the thing that is my doing-and-teaching focus for 2013.

So if you don’t have a Gwish Kit, grab one. Because that way you’ll hear about the new stuff before everyone else and you’ll already have the prerequisite class on TIME before I write the sales page and everything goes up to full price.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

The Fluent Self