Friday chicken

A look at the good and the hard in my week, a ritual of reflecting.

It is Friday and we are here.

{a breath for Friday.}

What worked this week?


The thing that I am currently feeling, it makes sense.

And there are lots of reasons why I might be feeling that way, and all of them are legitimate. And I also might have forgotten or overlooked very legitimate reasons, and that is legitimate too.

I am allowed to feel this feeling. I am allowed to not like feeling this feeling. I am allowed to not like that I do not like feeling this feeling.

Legitimacy is the one thing I know that genuinely shifts perspective. Actually, it shifts a lot more than perspective.

Anyway, I was able to remember this, and it worked for me.

Going to bed.

Sometimes, often, for me, that is just the thing.

And a lot of times I forget that this is even an option. Occasionally I even forget at night.

Next time I might…

Maybe not make that face?

I was in a dance class, and the teacher demonstrated something with the help of a student. The student misinterpreted a move and made THAT EXACT FACE THAT I ALWAYS MAKE WHEN I SCREW UP.

It’s a mix of apologetic chagrin and “please don’t hate me”, and it’s not particularly attractive, and it doesn’t feel fun, but more than that, I finally understood something about glowing boldly, which has been my big wish these past months.

Makings this face is the opposite of committing to glowing boldly, and suddenly I was able to see just how much I no longer wish to make that face.

It’s not that I wish to not screw up. It’s dance. Dance is improvised play with a thousand rules to remember and another thousand to joyfully break. Dance is alive and always changing. I’m going to fall on my face sometimes.

What I want is to find out what it would be like to respond with a smile. Or with steadiness. Or a steady smile. I am ready to be done with making that face.

For now I am just going to experiment with noticing when I make that face, and thinking something reassuring to myself. You’re doing great, honey. You are trusting and trying.

And maybe I can try a new face. Just an in-between one to break things up for a while. Or I can think MAKE A FACE and laugh.

Anything I can do to interrupt the pattern counts.

If you feel drawn to leave comments on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles, I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are appreciated. Hearts or pebbles work great if you don’t know what to say, often I don’t know what to say either so we’re in the same boat.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. Oh sometimes I think I am not made for having an internet job. I can’t handle the energy of it, it is so completely overwhelming. Except then I remember that I am not able to function in a regular person job. A breath for being a highly highly sensitive person.
  2. Got very overwhelmed by projects. Also overwhelmed by the prospect of figuring out how to take care of house things and overhead for the Playground and the chocolate shop while I am divesting myself of projects for this upcoming year of Shmita and releasing. And oh, sometimes letting things go is so very hard. A breath for presence, trust, and being present with trust.
  3. I said this last week: I’m ready to leave Portland. I want to be somewhere quiet, peaceful, breathtakingly beautiful. A breath for allowing myself to want what I want, even if this isn’t something I can address quite yet.
  4. My wonderful uncle Svevo was visiting for the weekend, and one of my big life wishes is more time with Svevo, except I had deadlines and aforementioned projects, and so I chose work over play, for what felt like the thousandth billionth time that this has happened. A breath for making peace with my choices.
  5. Augh, working out after new years is the worst. The studio is packed full of people, and everyone is being super territorial about space. I found myself wanting to actually punch someone. And then I checked the app that tells me where I’m at in my cycle, and I was NOT anywhere near the nine day period when wanting to punch people is a thing. A breath for hey, babe, you are okay, and for being in [secret undisclosed location] next January in a place where this won’t be an issue.
  6. Hahahahaha we are back to getting a hundred emails a day. I’ve been on email sabbatical for SIX YEARS, and in general that has worked really well. I mean, I still don’t see these emails. But I know they exist. A breath for this too shall pass, and for better systems in place.
  7. Various things not working, or maybe just the perception that things don’t work. The printer. Going to a dance and not enjoying myself. Trying to figure things out. A breath for recognizing all the clues that come with discomfort.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. I went to a foxtrot class! Twice! So good to be dancing again. Oh how I have missed dance and learning, both of these. A breath for remembering.
  2. I have been spending very little time in online spaces I used to frequent, using Marie Kondo’s question “does this bring me joy?”, and exiting when the answer is no. Or not entering to begin with. Much excitement about creating new neural pathways. A breath of relief and thank-you.
  3. Plum Duff! We did a ton of work, and made our once-in-a-while New Stuff And A Sale thing happen. Monsters say we were three months behind, and yet how can that be because it happened this week, which means that was the right time. A breath for all timing is right timing.
  4. Joy and Sweetness: again, still, more. Napping happily in my lover’s arms. Feeling peaceful and steady. A breath for a full heart, and for closeness, in many forms.
  5. I have a computer again! And the hard work is paying off. I finished FOUR ebooks, TWO Havi-Announces-A-Thing pages, five blog posts! I cleared out half my closet and also the problem room. A breath for being in the zone.
  6. I was brave this week and did many brave things and now I get a hundred billion sparklepoints. A breath for trying.
  7. I was feeling kind of low, and Max said, “Havi, you are a great adventuress! You are! If this were the 19th century, everyone would be reading your biography!”. I cannot even tell you how much this cheered me. I need someone to tell me this a thousand times a day. A breath for trusting this. I am a great adventuress. I can do this.
  8. Thankfulness. So much is good. Dancing. Figs. People who care about me. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this thing is done! It is often shortened to wham-boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

Oh wow, everything got done this week, again. All the HATs were finished. I finished editing all twenty six thousand words of the Terpsichore Springs book which went out to its dear readers. Plum Duff went live. Feeling excited. Thank you fractal flowers. More goodies soon, to those waiting patiently for Internalship ebooks, there are three of those being edited! And also: Wham Boom.

Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.

Of course: Sovereignty casserole. It even has a story about flowers.


Powers I had this week…

I had the power of It Is Safe To Let This Go. And the power of telling someone at dance that he was hurting me on the double turn.

Superpowers I want.

I want again the superpower of the superpower of Things Resolve Themselves In Unexpected And Sometimes Elegant Ways.

And the superpower of Let Go And Do Less.

Other favorite superpowers: Permission slips everywhere. Calm Steady Trust Is Mine At All Times. I Take Care Of Myself Easily and Unapologetically. Loving No Is The Door To True Yes! Delighting in Plenty. Self-Ripening Wisdom. I see how beautiful everything is and I say thank you. Theatrical Spectaculars! Doing things in grand fashion, like a fairground stripper! I Boldly Glow. Ablaze With Fearless Intentional Choice-Making. I Have Everything I Need. Wildly Confident, Outrageously Beautiful, Wonderfully Tranquil. I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone.

The Salve of Let Go And Do Less.

I realized this week that if ideas were visible, I’d probably be on one of those shock-value television reality shows about hoarders.

One of my intentions for this new year is “NO MORE PROJECTS!” — picture a picket sign! — and so of course I am being offered wonderful-sounding projects right and left.

When I remember the salve of Let Go And Do Less, I remember to love more trust more. I stop thinking that I am the one in charge, and that if I just finish all the things on my list, somehow everything will be okay.

The salve softens me, it softens everything in me and suddenly I remember that the world is not going to fall apart. If anything, I am going to fall apart if I keep pushing, so I might as well breathe and trust, and focus on doing things that help me do more of that.

The salve of Let Go And Do Less has a subtle sparkly sheen to it. It secretly restores your crown and polishes your jewels. It makes room for perfect simple solutions that you couldn’t see while you were running around trying to make things happen. This salve goes well with tea, and suddenly I remember that there is time for that too…

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

This week’s band is called A Brumby For A Friend, and I have no idea why. I found it on an orange post-it note in my kitchen, definitely my handwriting. They’re loud and raucous, and clearly Australian. Their latest album is called Clown Water, and it turns out this band is actually just one guy.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

GUESS WHAT! The Plum Duff sale is happening right now!

We have new things. We have beautiful, wonderful adventures.

And everything is HALF OFF, so go to the Plum Duff page! Password: enter-with-roses

Come play if you like…

Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.

The Fluent Self