Friday chicken

A look at the good and the hard in my week, a ritual of reflecting.

It is Friday and we are here.

{a breath for Friday.}

What worked this week?

Being honest about what I wanted.

My god, it’s hard though.

It is endlessly fascinating to me, still, how much I will twist myself into a pretzel to avoid doing this.

There’s this whole cycle I go through where I recognize that I don’t want to do something but then try to distract and cover up this information, even from myself.

I immediately set to work trying to convince myself to do the thing I don’t want.

And then all my monsters jump in and say things like, “Come on, you should try new things, you should stretch yourself, you should be adventurous, you could make this work if you just stop being selfish, no one wants to be with someone who ruins their fun, wouldn’t you rather just stick it out than have [person] resent you for ruining the fun? Come on, maybe you’ll like it this time!”

It takes me a while to recognize that this is just my Survival At Any Cost people-pleasing defense-mechanism tendencies.

And even once I realize that I can’t do the thing I don’t want to do even if I try to force it, I still go into over-explaining mode instead of just saying, “That’s not what I want. I’d rather do this other thing instead”.

But you know what? I did it. I said what I wanted.

Despite going into all my usual contortionist patterns, I still was able to say what I wanted. And the world didn’t end. And not only did I get to avoid Vegas, I have more proof that next time I can just skip the endless prevarication process. Yay.

Next time I might…

Interrupt this pattern sooner, if I can.

I have so many good clues.

Over-explaining and giving lots of reasons in defense of what I know I need is a clue that I’m not saying what I want and need.

Trying to figure out what the other person really wants is a clue that I’m not saying what I want and need.

There are so many sweet, loving ways I can interrupt this pattern. Just taking a breath and saying hi, pattern! That counts too.

I want to speed up the process of recognizing that I’m in this, and then give myself a hundred billion sparklepoints because this is the hardest.

And: Compassion, compassion, compassion for small me who mistakenly learned that it is dangerous to speak up for herself.

If you feel drawn to leave comments on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles, I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are appreciated. Hearts or pebbles work great if you don’t know what to say, often I don’t know what to say either so we’re in the same boat.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. My body misses yoga and dance and long walks. A breath for this.
  2. Everything takes so much longer than I think it will, and I fight this, over and over again. The thing is, it takes as long as it takes. A blog post takes me two and a half hours to write? That is the birthing process for that piece of writing. It somehow takes three hours to get ready to leave a place because I get triggered and have to take care of myself? Great, three hours is the right amount of time for that. This is so hard for me to remember, and I go through so much frustration and self-recrimination about things being the way they are. A breath for things being the way they are in this moment.
  3. So much releasing and undoing. This is not easy stuff. In the past I’d hit burnout and then take some time to myself and bounce back. I’m older now, and it’s been ten years of having this business, and that’s not how it works anymore. I’ve been on the road for 37 days, and it feels like only a taste of the kind of emptying I need. My body is giving me very clear information that it’s done working, and needs real time for deep replenishing on an entirely new level. I am listening, and at the same time I’m not really sure how this can work in practice. A breath for receptivity to good news, perfect simple solutions, surprise miracles.
  4. Ugh the internet. Ugh my addiction to being connected to things that don’t even provide connection. A breath for a much-needed reconfiguring.
  5. I can see where the thing that is working right now is not going to be working in the future. A breath for grieving what is to come, and for trusting.
  6. Forgetting truth-love, forgetting to nourish myself first, forgetting to tend to body first, forgetting that this is my real job and only job. A breath for remembering, and for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
  7. I am seriously allergic to dissonance. It’s getting worse. This week I got a splitting headache just from sitting next to someone who was not saying what they wanted. Later someone else told an un-truth and my leg started twitching. Just what I need, for my already-intense sensitivities to intensify. A breath for what is.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. I had THREE AND A HALF WHOLE DAYS without being in my mid-life crisis/easing, and without feeling worried about anything at all. And then even though there were bits and spurts of worry, there was also a surprising amount of ease. May there be more of this please. A breath for freedom.
  2. Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic: now on Day 37. This experience has given me so much clarity, so much spaciousness to look at my life with new eyes. A breath for receiving this.
  3. Seeing twelve antelope run in front of me. A breath for thank you.
  4. I got to do bouncy things in Reno, and my body loved it.
  5. Finally, a plan is coming together! A breath for lightness and openings.
  6. The beautiful boy: “For 3500 miles I’ve been thinking about you, touching you, feeling sweet on you.” I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling, so let’s just have a breath for these deep, intense, effervescent moments of bubbling and softening, filling up on this full-body experience of joy.
  7. Sparks, in various forms. Flickering recognition. Moments of yes, this is right. The antelopes were a moment. Also arriving in Silver City, Nevada and feeling a familiar pull to something good. That smile. A breath for signs.
  8. Thankfulness. So much is good. This was actually a really great week, I can’t point exactly to why but I feel better than I have in a long time. Oh, and in addition to the antelope, I saw jackrabbits and a herd of wild horses and was glared at balefully by some bored longhorn. Wise beautiful desert, steady mountains. This trip with this boy. Hearing what I need to hear. Releasing and more releasing.  Heart full of love. Tiny miracles everywhere. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this thing is done! It is often shortened to wham-boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

Finalized the 2015 calendar (the Year of More!), did some more Sip Hint magic, and the plan that wasn’t coming together is coming together, thanks to the fractal flowers. Wham Boom.

Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.

This post called Something to believe in.

Superpowers…

Powers I had this week…

I had the power of finding the right words to express myself in a way that the other person could hear and not feel hurt.

Superpowers I want.

Sticking with this one: The superpower of Joyful Full-Hearted Adventuring While Treasuring Myself. And trusting my instincts.

Other favorite superpowers: Permission slips everywhere. Calm Steady Trust Is Mine At All Times. I Take Care Of Myself Easily and Unapologetically. Loving No Is The Door To True Yes! Delighting in Plenty. Self-Ripening Wisdom. I see how beautiful everything is and I say thank you. Theatrical Spectaculars! Doing things in grand fashion, like a fairground stripper! I Boldly Glow. Ablaze With Fearless Intentional Choice-Making. I Have Everything I Need. Wildly Confident, Outrageously Beautiful, Wonderfully Tranquil. I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone.

The Salve of Receptive to Good Surprises.

This salve contains, among other magical ingredients:

Trust. Presence. Wonder. Secret Smiles. Serendipity. Sparks. Illuminating. Receiving.

As I massage this salve into my skin, I feel the tingly warmth of anticipation.

This salve has secret ingredients that soothe my nervous system, and suddenly I’m seeing wonderful things that were always there but I didn’t know about them.

This salve makes me aware of the good surprises I haven’t been noticing, as well as the ones that are on their way to me right now.

This is a salve that sweetens my thank-you heart, it sharpens my senses, it warms me through and through.

When I wear this salve, I also become the deliverer of good surprises to others, and this fills me with extra delight.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

This week’s band comes from Molly, and they’re called The Internal Design Singalong, they are playing at the 333 club this week in honor of our special chicken, and yes, it’s just one guy.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.

So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.

I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.

Come play if you like…

Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.