very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

Time to declare a State Of Emergence E.

Is it that time?

Oh, it is very much that time.

My body hurts, my head aches, my heart is unsure, my yes is lost, it’s a million (approximately) degrees outside, and while Wisest Me knows that of course Nothing Is Wrong, everything feels wrong.

This is useful, this is important, and it’s time for a State of Emergence. E!

What is E?

I’m not actually sure.

Ease, maybe. Effortlessness. Effervescence. Entry.

Things that have to do with lightness and intention. Things that are buoyant and transformative. Or at least, that’s my best guess.

Unless of course, E stands for Emergence as well. In which case we are declaring an emergency state of Emergence-Emergence! Which is okay by me.

Wh knows, maybe desperate times call for double measures, double cocoons, double chrysalis, double emergence. Emergence squared. Maybe.

What is a State of Emergence E?

Well, everything is off, like I said, and it’s scary, and urgent self-care is needed in the biggest way, and I really don’t like the word “emergency” because it makes me panic.

And panic is pretty much the least helpful thing right now. Panic is basically guaranteed to make everything worse.

Also panic is not good for when changes are called for. Change requires a softening, it requires ease. And E’s.


So a State of Emergence (E) really means “things need to change, and they need to change in a way that feels safe”?

Yes. I guess it does.

What needs to change?

Body has been freaking out for five days. Working theory is that we got glutened in Sonora. (Why do not-good things keep happening in Sonora? That is a mystery for another day.)

But it’s probably a combination of factors.

That wasn’t the question though. Okay. Let’s see. What needs to change.

I need to be out of urban/suburban spaces and back in the beautiful, quiet and peaceful outdoors.

I need to stop saying Reluctant Yes to things that are really only Not-Completely-No, which as we already know, might as well be No. When I go with the Reluctant Yes, everything gets really uncomfortable fast.

Also I need to stay as far away as possible from reading depressing and distressing things on the internet, because right now I am taking on all the pain of the world even though that is Not My Job.

Mainly I need to get out of Fresno, speaking of Reluctant Yeses and Immediate Regret.

And what is regret if not a whispered wish in my sails: Change course, my love, this no can direct you towards yes.

What will help me in this state of Emergence (E)?


Ginger tea.
Twelve hours of sleep.
A long bath.
To look at water or trees or water and trees.
To write to my body.
To write on my body.
To look at the moon for a very long time.
Olympic levels of snuggling.

What else supports Emergence (E)?

Trust. Long, slow, deep breaths. Staying hydrated.

Conversations with people I love about how I want to live, and making tiny changes and adjustments towards that.

Making up old Turkish lady yoga poses.

Buffers. Napping. Even more time away from people (aka No More Socialize!).

What do I want to emerge from this state of Emergence (E)?

Acknowledgment that something is very off, and that this is good intel. Something needs to shift, steps need to be taken, this is an edge before an edge. Time to go back to taking exquisite care of myself.

And, at the same time, gentleness, reassurance, sweetness, permission, amnesty, legitimacy. There are reasons for this grand and glorious falling apart, even if I can’t remember what they are.

And comfort. I want to be comforted in the absence of whatever it is that is missing.

This feels like big loss, big grieving loss, like death, and I don’t know what is dying. So sweetness and comfort for every part of me who has ever experienced loss. Now Is Not Then.

This is a new letting go. You are okay, my love. You are held in this experience.

What else will help?

Get a massage. Investigate the mysteries. Access intel from Wisest Me.

What happens when I emerge?

I am:

More present. More rested. I trust my yes. I notice clues.

What clues do I have right now?

About five minutes after I got to the park, my body stopped hurting. Well, the pain went from an 8 to a 2. That’s a big clue!

Looking up at a tree from the ground slows my breath and steadies my mind. That is also a big clue.


I have my giant mug of ginger tea. A sparkly wristband from the dance I never ended up attending, which is probably a good thing.

Sleeping in the middle of the woods tonight, which is so much better than downtown Fresno, with the accompanying car alarms, drunks, motorcycles and early morning leaf blowers. State of Emergence (E!) was the right move.

E is also for emptying, and that feels like truth right now.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: Emergence is a wonderful thing for someone who is finding her way back to yes.
Me: But what if my monsters are right and something is Horribly Wrong with me?
She: Hmm. Let’s see. 75 days ago, you left your home and your work and your life in order to wander the west with a boy whose plans change about every five minutes, and you’re figuring out what you want to do with your life, and this is all very big and confusing and a wild adventure, and then you did a bunch of No (for you, right now) things like gluten and cities, and you’re surprised when things fall apart? Of course things are going to fall apart. This is the most natural and normal thing that could be happening right now, and you are meeting it in the exact right way.
Me: Are you sure?
She: You love the edges, babe. And then you get to them and you want comfort and reassurance and steady anchors. Both of these are understandable and legitimate desires, and you have the tools you need to find your way through this.


I wanted ginger in a form other than tea, but I didn’t have. Then we drove up a winding road with many bumps and giant troughs, and when we arrived and I opened the refrigerator, I discovered that the soup I made yesterday had spilled everywhere.

I had to clean out the entire refrigerator and every single thing in it, which is how I discovered that past me (who is a genius) had planted a bottle of ginger juice for this very moment. Thank you, past me!

The superpower of I take care of myself first.

May - Reverberate MoreThe quality for May is REVERBERATE, and it comes with I take care of myself first.

Hilariously I have been resisting this superpower and everything related to it, and yet, what is this week’s wish?

What is a State of Emergence (E) if not a bold declaration that from now on I am going to take care of myself first. Guess things had to fall apart a bit for me to get there, but here I am. Hello, superpower. Please reverberate in me until we feel at home together.

Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…

Nap, dance, write, play, labyrinths. Get quiet. Sweet pauses, yes to red lights and purple pills, thank you to the broken pots. Costume changes. Skip stones. Body first. Thank you in advance. Eight breaths in eight directions:

Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.

Ongoing wishes.

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.

Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week aka Wish Balls Wish Bells…

So many wishes last week! Let’s see. I wanted my monsters to give me room to wish, and it worked. I wanted more time in airplane mode, and that happened too.

Still looking for delicious cheese or cheese-like recipe and am still looking. Will make paneer as soon as I am near the kind of hippie city where I can get milk in glass bottles. Ah, Portland, I do maybe kind of miss you.

Bulk food has been easier than expected, Access Secret Learning is going well, I wanted to be a bell in Fresno and what I learned is that I needed to not be there. But I was able to enjoy two dance workshops despite feeling awful, and that is something too.

The pole dancing wish is still planted. Ha. Planted a pole. Also had an insight about the cod liver oil which is that physical level treatments rarely work for me, and I need to approach from the emotional level.

Found someone else who is both anti-plastic and pro-corn-tortilla,and am now utterly obsessed with her gorgeous and thrilling no trash project blog.

And I wanted more Putterday, and this whole week has basically been one long putterday. Cooking, cleaning, messing about, good stuff.

Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more. Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.

Keep me company! Or just say hi!

This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.

Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.


The Fluent Self