very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

What do I want?

To say thank you in advance.

To say thank you with my thank-you heart, and not just to say thank you after the fact but to say thank you in advance.

And also to say: thank-you-in-advance.

Those of you in the Year of Emerging & Receiving will recognize in that another example of what it could mean to Say Everything Twice…

What am I noticing?

This is a thing that Jane says, and I love it. Thank-you-in-advance for this beautiful experience. Thank-you-in-advance for my ability to be present and find the beauty in it.

I am noticing that this wish is related to my secret wish for Rally: to allow all seemingly contradictory things to exist and dissolve simultaneously. As in, I’m okay with the contradiction and also I know there is no contradiction.

It is also related to a wish that has to do with the qualities of Grace and Equanimity.

And my wish to have lots and lots of writing time this week, because words are just spilling out and I need time to be with that.

What do I want?

I want to meet all wishes with this sensation of thank-you-in-advance.

Thank you for the good that will be revealed. For my ability to meet whatever comes up and greet it, as the Spy says, with love and curiosity.

I want to be able to say to each wish: “Wow, what a beautiful wish!”

And to do that no matter how preposterous the wish seems in that moment.

I may not choose to act on the wish. I may just let it live in the world of wishing. But to rejoice in it. To admire it. And to say “Thank you in advance for whatever comes from this moment of allowing myself to experience this desire. Thank you in advance for the qualities of the wish, now I have a chance to remember them, breathe them, reconnect to them.”

What am I noticing?

Oh, a pricking of sadness in my heart.

I had a dear friend who was the biggest rejoicer-over of my wishes ever, she was my champion, the person who always believed in my wishes. I could whisper to her about things I would never tell anyone.

I could say absolutely anything: I WANT TO LIVE ON THE MOON!

And she would say the just-right thing, welcoming and loving. “Oh, isn’t that a beautiful, radiant wish? I can feel the qualities of moon coming out to greet this wish: Peacefulness. Drawing In. Quiet. Innocence. Trust. This is the perfect wish for you.”

Or she might ask questions too: “Tell me more about what this moon life wish feels like? What is the essence? What does it give you?”

Whenever I told her about my wishes, I ended up learning so much about what I really wanted, sparking ideas about how to get closer to it, revealing strengths that were already in me. I could suddenly see what aspects of [living on the moon] were important…

The last time we talked though she had recently gone through a transformation of sorts, gotten very into business-growing and Practical Realities, and I told her a wish and she said, “Well, that’s not very realistic, is it? Why don’t we focus on more practical solutions.”

I am noticing my sadness about my perception of my friend becoming so unlike herself that I don’t know how to reconnect to her.

What do I want?

I want to be a good friend to my wishes.

I want to be a good friend to wishing-me.

Not to shut things down. Not to figure out why they can’t work.

Just to receive the wish and let it be beautiful. Let it grow. Be curious about it. Not to act. This is important.

What am I noticing?

Not acting on a wish goes in two directions.

This means not trying to tear it down, and it also means not instantly trying to see how it could happen.

It means giving spaciousness to my wish. Spaciousness and welcoming.

And a home, so it doesn’t get forgotten. A home that is spacious and welcoming.

I am not sure yet what that home will look like, so this is also part of my wish: a home for wishes.

For now, this weekly ritual will be the home. Safe space. Maybe I will also make another tray

An example of spaciousness and welcoming for wishes.

Last Wednesday I was at a dance, and a number of people ask if I sign, and I don’t.

I know a handful of signs (I can ask you to dance!), but not enough to have a conversation. I have seriously conflicted feelings about this. I want to learn, and I have Stuff.

Anyway, I had the thought that a fun way for me to ease my way into learning might be a beginner’s workshop, which we could host at my Ballroom or the Playground.

Spaciousness for this wish means, first, that I welcome the wish:

Oh wow, what a beautiful wish.

I notice how my monster crew wants to come up with all the reasons this wish is stupid, and I don’t agree to it. They can share their input later. Right now is for letting the wish breathe and be a tiny sweet thing.

I notice how I want to start problem-solving and trouble-shooting: does Amy know someone who could set this up? Is two hours the right amount of time? We can’t do it on a Sunday because blah, this other thing is happening…

Spaciousness and welcoming means I don’t try to fix. I don’t try to tear down but I also don’t try to build up. I wait, and I say: oh wow, what a beautiful wish.

I allow the qualities to reveal themselves. I wait to feel into the strengths I already have.

Spaciousness and welcoming. Strength and Effervescence.

March-2014-Strength

This is the last day of March. On the calendar of Salves, this is the month of Strength — and seeing the strengths I already have. I want to take this quality with me as I flip the calendar and reveal Effervescence….

Spaciousness and welcoming require my strength, and they also feel airy and bubbling, light and ease-filled.

This feels good. Thank you, past me for knowing what was right. And thank you in advance for everything that will come from this. Thank you in advance for a beautiful month of wishes bubbling into being. Thank you in advance for ease-filled transitions.

Where do I want to start?

Next steps for Operation Bell View. More time writing for The Book of Xs and Ys. Beautiful dances. To be wonderfully surprised. I trust that people I want to spend time with will say what they think/want, and I do too. Equanimity. Pleasure. Graceful transitions. Eight breaths. Loving the L words. Skipping stones. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.

Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes. There, like that.

My compass for these wishes:

Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Grace. Steadiness. Warmth. Glow. Receiving.

What else do I want?

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I go out dancing at the ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • Hawaii.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
  • This week’s op: Next steps on Operation Bell View. Writing as much as I want!

Clues?

A hand-signal that secretly means: “Perhaps we should run off together to the Caribbean…”

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka some thoughts on the nature of wishing…

Wow. Sometimes reading through what I wrote the previous week is just uncanny.

I wanted safety for my wishes, and something shifted there. I wanted a new Jens, and two excellent candidates showed up out of nowhere! I wanted to talk to someone to get advice on Operation Bell View, and Melena can answer all my questions. The bit about unconditional forgiveness of past-me set into motion some big healing, and I now have my material for the Book of Xs and Ys. Also I finished Operation Pop It Up. Yay.

Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.

Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

xox