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Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

I have to give you a glorrrrrrious update!

Generally at the end of these, I like to peek at what I asked for the the week before to get a sense of how things are developing.

At the very least, I usually notice an interesting pattern or two, or I learn something about the hidden emotional content of my desires.

Quite often — and to my continued astonishment — I discover that I ended up getting some especially lovely aspect of the thing I wanted. Something that I did not expect (or even know existed!) when I was asking.

Last week is especially interesting because I did not ask directly about the thing I wanted.

What I wanted was a resolution for the Boring Existential Crisis that I’ve been in for the past four months, centered around [situation] with the Chocolaterie, but also impacting everything else in my life.

I didn’t think that was possible, so I asked for POPPING. And popping UP and things that POP. And then I made a quiet commitment to work on Operation B.E.C.K.O.N. — Boring Existential Crisis in the Key of N — at Rally B.

Well, things popped. Many, many things.

And one of the things that popped (in the sense of exploded) was my existential crisis, which ended up getting COMPLETELY RESOLVED while I was at Rally!

So I just want to pause, and take a breath of appreciation for that.

What do I want this week and moving forward…

I want to write.

I want to write stones.

I want to process and discover and reveal.

I want to write about Roxy. About Roxy, with Roxy, for Roxy. Roxy is Assertive Me. Roxy is a lot of things.

I want to interview Eve Wild, who is also Roxy. Roxy might even be Eve Wild’s middle name, if that makes sense. I’m not sure if it does.

I want to seed wishes that have to do with [habits] and [boundaries]: skin, flowers, ritual, hegedim — I can’t translate, but it is somewhere between aspirations and affirmations.

I want to find out why. I want to ask WHY about so many different things. And not an angry why. Not a why with an agenda. An open loving curious why. If there are two kinds of why, more like ten times why and less like wheel-grinding why.

And specifically, why I choose not to do things that are obviously good for me, and why I choose to do things that are obviously bad for me.

Again, not a critical why. Not a guilt-driven why. Just genuine curiosity: How come like this? What’s up with that. What do I know about this.

I want to write from the voice who knows how to ask with lots of love and zero expectations. Simple, present and adoring. Who is the me who knows how to do that?

I want to tell stories using the treasure box of tiny stones.

I want time for this writing. To make time for this writing. To remember that it is okay to drop everything and write, even though this is scary.

What will help?

Early to bed.

Something to block out the noise.

Packing lunch.

Cafe dates.

Wearing a costume.

And this week is Rally (Rally!). This is the first time in over three years of holding Rally that we’re doing two-in-a-row. I can’t wait to find out what that’s like. Given that the first week dissolved my crisis, I imagine that whatever is INCOMING is going to be pretty outrageous.

These are all things in the hard. What will help in the soft?

Planting it here. Wishing. Symbols. Secret agent code.

What else do I know about this?

Writer me is dancer me, and dancer me is writer me.

Being a follow is being present. Being a writer is being present.

This is the ultimate spy mission, isn’t it.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Let’s see.

Flow. Presence. Ease. Delight. Shelter. Access. Creativity. Wildness.

And the superpower of It Is Already Happening And All I Had To Do Was Notice.

What else do I want….

Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

  • Progress on the ops!
  • Miracles everywhere.
  • Regular gigs at the ballroom, which is also the Spiegelsaal.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
  • Past me is a GENIUS.
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
  • There is money for this.
  • I can see why this moment is good.
  • Trust and steadiness.
  • Hawaii.

This week’s ops?

This week is about finishing up the dossier of The life of a Chocolatier, possibly about MAGIC EIGHT BALL REASONS, and about borders/boundaries. Also about dancing.

I’m playing with…

Dancing. Costumes. Emergency calming techniques. That page is many years old and needs rewriting. Maybe that’s one of this week’s asks too!


Can you help support our magical Red Rose Ballroom by liking it on Facebook? And spreading the word about the Red Rose Ballroom to anyone you know who might want to run events or programs or parties in Portland?


Last chance to get on the STANDBY list for Rally (Rally!)

Only a few rallies have openings, and we will be announcing them soon….

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka popping up everywhere…

I wanted pop-up shops for the Ballroom, and we might do one with Mary. But mainly I learned that it doesn’t matter what happens in the ballroom. What matters is that I follow and don’t try to lead, and that I do things that make me feel joyful.

I wanted other forms of popping, and everything popped. Rally was full of POP and delight. Also we popped many, many bubbles together while giggling and tossing teddy bears at the ceiling. I talked to Hopeless Me. I found passion about things. It was a pretty great week. Hard. Full of hard. I ran into ALL MY STUFF, especially my stuff about Shame. But then that popped too.

Yay for things that pop.

Big love to me-of-last-week, as always, for knowing what to ask.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.


The Fluent Self