Today I am secretly turning the rain into different colors, and this is a proxy for what I am actually going to be doing.

I want to do some writing about a (potentially) painful (to me) thing. But I also don’t want. So instead I will be secretly turning the rain into different colors.


And before I do this thing that is not at all that other thing because today I am secretly turning the rain into different colors, I will begin by remembering why secretly turning the rain into different colors is important (to me).

I am going to note eighteen possible Interesting Or Useful Things about turning the rain into different colors.

Obviously I don’t know what these are yet. But I am about to discover them. Finding out what I know about what I do not know, again.

Eighteen interesting or useful things about secretly turning the rain into different colors.

  1. You can do the thing of secretly turning the rain into different colors while sitting in a warm cafe drinking tea. You don’t have to be outside IN the rain. 
  2. Any color that comes to you is the right color. 
  3. You can always change the color later if later it stops feeling like the right color. 
  4. The rain likes having its colors secretly changed. The rain is in on the secret, you guys!
  5. So it’s not like I’m imposing stuff onto nature. I am playing, and nature wants to play too. 
  6. Also it is happening secretly so no one else needs to see the color changes unless they want to and are really really really paying attention. 
  7. Changing the colors of the rain changes the entire environment. 
  8. Rain here comes with this very specific grey Portland-ey light. The colors that the rain becomes are startling and vivid against the grey. My city has the perfect backdrop for a sudden, unexpected, secret color change. 
  9. My mood lifts with each new bath of color. 
  10. This is probably where rainbows in puddles come from. That totally makes sense. Someone — someone like me who transforms external space through making changes in internal space and vice versa — is doing lots of secret-color-changing, and the colors are blending and reflecting. 
  11. I used to think it would be really stressful to be the person who changes the colors of the rain. That it would weigh on me, all that responsibility. But actually it feels so light and playful. The secret part helps. Knowing no one is watching to see if I screw up is making the whole thing easier. 
  12. Blue rain is my favorite rain right now. I have tried pretty much all the shades of blue that I can think of, and I like them all. 
  13. I am drinking a tea called Harmony right now, and this is a very good name for someone in my profession: a secret changer of rain colors. The colors blend and harmonize. Each color adds to the ones that came before it, enhances the ones that will come later. 
  14. It turns out that the rain has different functions as relates to the colors. It blends, and it washes away. It mixes and it clears out. It transports and it releases. 
  15. The more I let the rain change colors, the more the rain is serving its purpose. Or maybe better to say: the more its purpose is apparent. 
  16. A truth about the human experience: entropy. Everything changes. Everything ends. Everything reconfigures. This is a way to practice letting that be beautiful instead of painful. 
  17. I like having this quiet, gentle superpower. I’m changing the environment just by being, and people can feel how everything is better but they don’t know that it’s because of what I’m doing. Just like my vision from fourteen months ago of being the queen in the hidden castle, who hums her secret hum. 
  18. I trust myself a lot more than I would have thought. My instincts are good. I have a sense about what colors would most contribute in any moment, and when they flow into the world through the rain, everything is sweet and soft and right. Huh. Who knew. 

Things that just happened! Or: things I just noticed.

I feel better about writing now! I am ready to try giving twenty minutes to the thing I was avoiding.

Proxies are the best. Always.

Everything I could possibly need to know is hidden somewhere inside of whatever seemingly-random thing my brain invents in an attempt to be playful.

Being playful is quite possibly the sneakiest and least-painful way to access truth.

The more I play, the more I discover. And the more I play, the less things hurt. And just like with changing the colors of the rain, there is no way to play wrong. As long as I stay committed to the twin superpowers of safety and sovereignty, all is well.

Commenting blanket fort. Come play, if you like.

The usual reminders: We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. We make this a safe and comfortable space by taking care of ourselves while not trying to take care of anyone else, and by not giving advice.

I am receptive to: enthusiasm for how great proxies are, naming lots of beautiful colors because naming colors is fun, warm smiles, things sparked for your own process. xo

The Fluent Self