rhymes with

I have never been a fan of that day,
it might be this week, who can tell,
you know, the one in February, it rhymes with
Eerie-Canalentines Day,
or any of its accompanying nonsense
not in elementary school
and not as an adult


But let us speak truth, I’ve never liked any of these Days
of expectations & assumptions,
spaces in time we are seemingly obligated by culture
to mark and to do so publicly,
for example there is one for mothers and one for fathers,
and both these days can
burn in a fire too as far as I’m concerned


Partly it’s an energy thing, they ring false somehow, inorganic,
much in the way that jargon immediately drains all magic from
formerly lovely words sweet in their simplicity,
there is a dissonance to these invented holidays,
as if their resonance is off,
I don’t have a better way to explain it than that,
but that’s not really the problem, is it

whose holiday is this?

The disconnect for me in these days comes from how they
prioritize and center the haves over have-nots while
simultaneously cementing the extremely problematic
— and not-necessarily-true! — notion that
[having is always better than not having]

Which might echo the experience of some people, sure, and
at the same time is just not true for others, and,
either way, this approach is not helpful or supportive for
anyone who exists inside the category of

This remains true whether the not-having is painful or if they are happy with not-having

who is this holiday for?

It is for the people who don’t require a holiday,
that’s the whole thing,
culture already rewards people for having family
or existing inside a conventional relationship form,
it isn’t this that needs to be celebrated


An inclusive kinder culture is asking to be called in,
one that can welcome everyone who doesn’t
do all the expected shit or live in the expected ways,
whether that’s because they don’t fucking wish to,
or because life is just working out differently,
whatever the reasons, it doesn’t actually matter,
we need to stop celebrating people for having parents or lovers
or those things everyone is supposedly supposed to have-and-want,
and instead create loving, compassionate, safe, okay-to-exist-in new spaces
for everyone

loving compassionate safe okay-to-exist-in new spaces

belonging, again

This invitation, this welcoming and including
needs to be a given
and not an afterthought of oh yeah hey
if you don’t have a someone, treat yourself to flowers

which still implies that having a someone is
the right, the desired, the important and the necessary in life,
and that everything else is less-than
or a place-holder,
and, either way, not worthy of celebration,
which is bullshit

let us be clear: the way we (collectively) currently mark these days is not thoughtful

agin, who do we choose to honor and why?

as I said on twitter on mother’s day a few years ago:
It is wholly unacceptable to build a holiday around the haves
in a world of pained and hurting have-nots,
I’m all for gratitude, appreciation and joyful celebration
but why do it in a way that reminds the have-nots of
what they don’t have,
and why imply that it’s what they should want,
if anything it’s the Have Nots who should get a day,
not that I want a day as someone who is mom-less because I don’t,
but loudly celebrating the having in this pain-filled world is not cool

any day at all

I am happy for everyone who has
a mother they love who loves them back,
what a beautiful thing,
please pick a day, any day of the year, any day at all,
to share photos and stories of your
immense good fortune, express your gratitude and love,
I will heart it a million times

just maybe not on that one day

can we really pause to breathe, remembering how our world is full of those who

+ can’t be mothers but wish so dearly they could
+ don’t want to be mothers
+ are trying so hard to get there
+ didn’t have mothers they knew
+ didn’t have mothers they could trust
+ loved and lost a mother or mother-figure
+ were hurt by mothers or mothering
+ are mothers who lost a child
+ got to experience being mothers in the form of almost there and then the loss
+ had to make a painful choice
+ had to say goodbye to a child before even meeting them
+ have been in or are going through post-partum depression
+ are experiencing the deep ambivalence of not-knowing what is yes
and so on

and then just opt out of saying “yay I have this thing that everyone agrees is a good thing to have”

why do we agree to this at all

Why make a holiday that excludes all these people and
potentially reminds them of their pain if they are in pain,
or, alternately, implies that they are lacking in something
even if they are not

like, maybe this is not the best day to pile on the gratitude train
just because it is not particularly warm or welcoming
and this is not how culture should work
(I feel strongly about this)

And yes I know that many people acknowledge the not-having
but you know what would be so much easier and better?
not having exclusionary culture to begin with!

the quiet inside of the quiet

When I was non-verbal, for several years,
people invariably felt sorry for me,
and then they were all so absurdly thrilled for me when
they perceived that I was able to get past this obstacle,
but guess what it never was an obstacle,
shut up and listen, world, this is important:

This time in which I could not handle even the thought of speech
was easily also most peaceful happy period of my life,
these years were a sweet bubble-cocoon of ease and grace
just for me

a scarf

I wore my quiet like a scarf
and a force field and a blessing
it made everything sweet

and easier, in some ways

I was able to just be in the world
without the incessant migraining of
[too much input + too much output]
finally able to feel high-functioning as someone with
high sensory processing sensitivity / witchy spectrum empath magic
I was more myself, more everything,
even if most people mistakenly perceived me as less


“It is so lovely to get more of you“, people beam when I
use my vocal folds to make sound,
but they are getting less,
they are getting the filtered Havi Bell,
not the pure-presence bell of joyful HERE I AM
not my light as I could glow it when I didn’t need language
to mediate

assumptions about what is desirable or better: worth examining


Seriously though how shitty would it be
if we had a holiday called Two-Legs Day where everyone with two legs posted online
about how awesome it is to walk on legs

It would be extremely shitty, and for AT LEAST TWO reasons:
a leg-having person has no idea what it is like to be
someone who lives without legs or use of legs or
or sometimes-without-use or without-ease, or lacking sufficient spoons to use legs,
and so it is a silly thing to celebrate,
yes, sure, enjoy your walking, I won’t stop you,
but don’t assume someone else’s life is automatically terrible
because it has a different shape than yours

And also it’s problematic because it says
having is good, not having is bad
which is not true
and not kind, especially given that people can’t actually help
whether or not they have (or even want)
these things we are supposed to want like
legs / a one-someone to love / parents
and so on

this should not actually be at all complicated

Yay Look At Me Walk Day is an obnoxious and terrible idea for a holiday,
and so is Rhymes-with-Carruthers Day
and so is Rhymes-with-Blaise-Pascalentines Day
and yet here we are

what do we know

Right, enforced romance and expectations of wanting romance is also
about haves/have-nots as well as the fraudulent notion that
having is better, this day is nonsense but also it is here,
so we are going to have to rewrite it
since we can’t set it on fire

What else do we know?

1) language is ours, we get to play and invent!
2) we can proxy the hell out of this!
3) we can bring more fun
4) we can practice Safety First and make safe rooms for any aspects of us who find this challenging
5) we can channel our Slightly Wiser Selves who have a more clear relationship with these days, who practice exquisite self-care, who are more at peace in this process of life and aliveness!
6) we can turn inward to focus on what actually matters, making a container for that, like Fairy Self-Godmothering Day which I invented a couple mother’s days ago…


But Havi, you say, are you not just
bitter and angry about the three years you spent
loving the beautiful boy who was lying to you for two of those years?

Nope! I mean, yeah, sure, but that’s not what this is,
whether in a connection or not, I want to live in
a culture which makes room for everyone,
and legitimizes the life solitudinal and
the pursuit of pleasure & freedom

Rewriting as a practice is good for painful personal memories,
and for sure this week is hard for me,
it was the week I learned a thing I really did not want to know,
but that is not why I’m writing about this today


I am interested in transformation, in rewriting, in undoing,
and let’s play

Safety First and let’s play
Investigate story and let’s play
Trust In Right Timing and let’s play
Deconstruct narrative and let’s play
Build something new and let’s play

this is difficult to write about, for many reasons

me: why is this so hard to talk about though
slightly wiser me: because you feel so passionately
and because your ex would text you things like “sweet girl, you’ve got this”, and now this is your job to do it yourself, with me, together, which is better, but also a new way of being
me: how do I write about things that terrify me to say in words
slightly wiser me: Pleasure & Freedom are still your motivation and guiding lights, for writing and for righting, for everything. Clear everything out. Release attachment. Focus on these. Seed these throughout your day. Write towards these. Now.

right, yes, I am the expert in rewriting, what do we know?

Here we are, on [rhymes with Bachannalentines Day!]
and yes, the galentines day phenomenon is
super cute and charming, and also it doesn’t work,
not only because it is straight-and-cis-oriented,
but because it will still always be
considered less than,
luckily we can still REWRITE & TRANSFORM the day that
rhymes with Casino-Royalentines Day

Bachannalentines Day! Chaparralentines Day! Rationalentines Day!

Haha this is fun, I could do this all day, and I might

seriously though, why is Casino-Royalentines Day not a thing, let us make it a thing!

Okay here is my plan I will dress up as
Bond Girl and be a TFB (Total Fucking Badass) and
dangerously glamorous,
and devote the rest of the day to wildly treasuring myself
and my relationship with myself, and you are welcome to
join me in this or in your own version of
re-imagining this day!

play in the month of Perspective

February is the month of Perspective,
and the superpowers of Perspective include:
+ change your place change your luck
+ widdershins
+ new eyes
+ new air to breathe
+ words are magic
+ turn inward and listen

And if you missed the invitation to our two weeks of wild self-treasuring (it started yesterday but you can still get in) here’s the link and yes, you can still use the early-signup price, don’t tell!

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes, and of course we can seed wishes, intentions or desired superpowers…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

The Fluent Self