I’m at the airport. Again.

And thinking about how much I love my dammit list, dammit.

And how each time I add something to it, my life gets better.

Well, my stuff comes up and then I work through it and then my life gets better.

Perfect example: the fact that I didn’t wake up at dark-thirty today.

A few months ago I decided it was hazardous to my sanity to keep taking flights that leave at 6 a.m.

Because even if I pack the night before and skip my morning yoga and meditation, it still means going to bed at a million o’clock, and getting up five minutes later.

Which sucks.

So I tried to institute a reassuring “I only fly at reasonable hours, dammit!” policy.

This would also be the “No red-eye flights anymore dammit!” policy and the “I’m not going to spend the entire day bleary-eyed and confused, dammit!” policy.

And then all my who do you think you are stuff kicked in.

The me-who-used-to-be-poor thought this was extravagant. And arrogant. Like, after all those years of having no choices and no options, how can you suddenly have these ridiculous standards?

Me, in my head: “How can you be so spoiled? You should just shut up and say thank you that you can travel places. And be done with it. It’s enough.”

So I had to work on it.

A lot.

It took a while. I mean, not that I’m done with it. But mostly done.

I asked myself a lot of questions. Like:

— Can we experiment with this?
— Can we see what happens to my emotional state when we travel under conditions that are supportive and not destructive?
— Is it possible that this will mean less recovery time after traveling, in which case it might end up being an investment in myself and my business?
— Am I going to live my whole life choosing discomforts so that me-who-suffered-and-survived will feel like she had a purpose?

I’ve had to take a lot of time to acknowledge everything that Survivalist Me, as Hiro calls her, has done for me so that she could agree to go take a nap once in a while.

Here’s what happened.

Much to my astonishment, having this new policy on my Dammit List has not been crazy expensive.

It turns out that if you book your flights far enough in advance, it’s not a big difference. And it takes much less time to find a flight when you’re operating under the “only at reasonable times” rule.

And it turns out that recovery time is substantially less intense that way, so I get back to work and productive-mode sooner.

And that my nervous system is less likely to get thrashed, so I do better when I arrive.

Oh, and the Portland airport is waaaaaaaaaaay less crowded at say, 8:30 a.m. than it is at 6 a.m. The last two times I’ve done this, there has been no line at all going through security.

Basically, everything is better. By a lot.

So now I’m adding things to my Dammit List. Like mad.

Sure, I know it will trigger some stuff.

I know I’ll have new things to work on and through.

But it’s worth it.

Next week I’ll let you know what’s going on the list.

In the meantime, I’m going to put as many things on my dammit list as I want, dammit!

The Fluent Self