Because it’s not enough that I talk to walls … I recently got sucked into an especially bizarre internal conversation. Between me and myself.
Which I reported back to you, verbatim. Because having a blog means you can do stuff like that.
Yeah, so if you’d like to read part one of my conversation with blocks, that will give you some perspective on
just how crazy I am how powerful this process can be what’s going on here.
Otherwise the CliffsNotes version is that I started talking to the part of myself which blocks me from moving forward.
We agreed that it would be best to remove some of these blocks — but only if I could give the part doing the blocking some serious reassurance that this would still be safe.
And I was told that I had to go talk to my fear. Which I so wasn’t looking forward to. But I did it anyway. Here goes.
Talking to my fear. Take 1.
Me (reluctant): Uh … apparently I’m like, supposed to talk to you or something. But I’m kind of terrified.
Fear: How very ironic. Isn’t that my job?
Me: You know, it would be nice if there were some internal part of me that wasn’t sarcastic and obnoxious.
Fear: Passive-aggressive much?
Me: You know what? Let’s start over.
Fear: You’re the one who wanted to talk.
I did some breathing. I did some tapping on acupressure points. I pulled out my non-denominational prayer beads that are so insanely non-denominational that they have a duck on them.
And then I tried again.
Talking to my fear. Take 2.
Me: Listen, fear. I really, truly want to know whatever it is that you have to tell me.
Fear: No you don’t.
Me: I won’t criticise you. Even though it’s true that I don’t like being afraid, I’m sure you have a good reason for being here. I’d like it if you’d talk to me about it.
Fear: Do you remember … ?
What followed then was a sharp pain in my hip joint, followed by an extremely unpleasant montage of memories from junior high school.
Me: I love it. That’s where you’re taking me? I make it through poverty and divorce and a terrorist blowing up the cafe across the street … and you want me to go back to seventh grade? Do I really need to relive being terrorized by Rhonda Moore to do whatever I’m trying to do here?
Fear: Hey, you asked.
Me: What is this really about?
Fear: It’s my job to protect you. It’s my job to keep you safe. Stop trying to make me go away because I’m not going anywhere!
Talking to my fear. Take 3.
Me: So you’re here to protect me.
Fear: Uh huh.
Me: Why can’t I have other forms of protection that aren’t so … scary? I mean, uncomfortable.
Fear: That’s just how it is and it’s never going to change! Stop trying to make me change! Please?
Me: Oh, fear. I’m sorry. You must be feeling really worried that I’m going to get rid of you. It’s horrible when people want you to change. I know that.
Fear: Okay. Promise that you won’t hurt me.
Me: I won’t hurt you. Just tell me what I need to know. I’m listening.
My fear was very, very quiet. And then one word came up.
Inside of me it was dark and silent. There was only this one word.
Talking to my fear. Take 4.
Me: Tell me about vigilance.
Fear: Vigilance is the only way. You need to be kept safe. So I keep you alert and vigilant so you can protect yourself.
Me: By scaring the hell out of me.
Fear: Uh huh.
Me: I guess I can appreciate that. Kind of. I mean, what actually happens is that I get so paralyzed by the fear itself that I’m not able to be vigilant. The fear just knocks me down. So maybe not so effective. But I get how it’s supposed to work.
Me: So if the purpose of me feeling this thing is vigilance and alertness … couldn’t there be another mechanism?
Me: What if there are other ways to help me achieve this state of alertness that is so important because it keeps me safe? What about things like mindfulness and awareness and caution?
Fear: You would trust them to do my job?
Me: Well … what if they could do your busy work? And then you wouldn’t need to show up unless it was an absolute emergency?
Fear: Interesting ….
In which we reach a (temporary) agreement.
It took a while and some bartering but we got there.
Basically my fear told me that I have more healing to do. And I tried not to be all, Hello, if I weren’t afraid all the time I wouldn’t be so screwed up … what’s wrong with you?!
Which mostly worked.
I did get my fear to agree that I am now allowed to invoke protection in other forms.
In fact, my fear is going on a kind of a partial sabbatical. We agreed that it can still keep watch to make sure that I am being alert and aware and mindful. And … we’ll see how it goes.
I asked about what was going to happen next and my fear said I had to go do some deep work with my second chakra and then I rolled my eyes and then my fear called me a pussy.
It was delightful.
And really, that’s when everything went crazy and the seriously weird stuff started happening, but we’ll have to talk about that next time.
To Be Continued …