July - month of Anticipation

In which, etc

You may or may not be wondering what happened to me and the month of July, or what happened to me in the month of July.

And the answer, or one of them, is that July was an exhausting disorienting trash dumpster fire of everything, ten thousand train wrecks and an acid bath, and it is a total fucking miracle that I got through it in one piece.

But maybe it was kind of like this or even a lot like this for you too.

So let’s call upon the superpowers of Self-Directed Amnesty Always & In All Circumstances, All Timing Right Timing, The Magic Of Anticipation Remains, and What If All Is Well Even When It Really Feels Like It Isn’t.


I learned a lot in July, about Anticipation, and about other things.

I want to share with you, and also I am still in bewildered recovery mode, so instead of writing about these themes and discoveries (uncoveries? why is this not a word?!), I am just going to name them.

You are wise and capable, you will receive what is needed from these clues, and if they don’t resonate, then they are just someone else’s clue or a clue for later.

I love you and trust your heart, is what I’m trying to say.

And maybe that’s what I got from the wild ride of July. I trust my heart to well up with love, I trust my own heart-companionship now, my ability to stand for and with myself through the hard slog of [things that are really fucking hard].

Let’s name some of the clues and wonders and wisdom of July…

WISDOM & WONDER, let’s do this.

  • What if it’s not a crisis, it’s a chrysalis
  • Yes this identity-shaking discovery is painful and miserable right now, that just means this new identity is superhero with a really good origin story, good job, me, we found our origin story!
  • “All superheroes disappear at some point in their arc. It’s on brand.” — my friend Kathryn when I was panicking that everyone would hate me for disappearing
  • Trust The Landing
  • Befriend the shadow, instead of being in resistance about all this anger and rage, not wanting to be motivated by it or affected by it, how about embrace that aspect of identity, whatever mobilizes is what mobilizes, what happens when I run with it for now? RAGE IS ENERGY AND ENERGY COUNTS, so use it on your list/goals…
  • I am allowed to be infuriated by “small things”
  • Similarly, delight in small things is still real delight, I take joy when and where I can, good for me
  • Speaking of “small” things, not in fact small because they are reminding me of massive earth-shaking painful things, if I am the star protagonist of HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN LEFT ON READ FOR FORTY HOURS, what goes into the slow motion montage as we root for our heroine to get tough, get even, get over it
  • Small steps are potent, and I only need to be able to see one step ahead
  • Take pleasure in life, take pleasure where you can, take pleasure in taking pleasure itself, take pleasure in patience, take pleasure in knowing something needs to change. Breathe it in.
  • Yet again, five out of five internal scientists were right about going to a yoga class, it did make help to breathe and listen to body, to do what I could and not more
  • “Can we notice the breath without taxing it with any other purpose for now, and just conjure up some gratitude for being able to notice?”
  • Silly reality! But also, it’s where we live right now.
  • Dose up on joy! If something helps, do it five times in a row!
  • Writing intentionally terrible poetry in companionship might be the best therapy I know. ROSES ARE RED VIOLETS ARE BLUE WE ARE THE BAD POETRY SOCIETY WHO THE HELL ARE YOU
  • The practice of not-freezing.
  • Anything can be returned, recycled or let go of. Anything! history, energy, stories, oxygen. Sometimes some people are like avocados, so delicious in the right moment and then bam, they turn, fine, it happened, into the compost heap with that nonsense.
  • Life in a kleptocracy swiftly declining into unchecked fascism is EXHAUSTING IN AND OF ITSELF, so “why is it so hard to get out of bed” can be retired!

The part about love

You are welcome to share any !!! or excitement or resonance with any of this, or anything you learned in July, or superpowers you’re calling on right now.

I am glowing love for July, for the magic of anticipating, for everything I learned and am still learning, and for this new month of new adventures.

Currently in Idaho en route to New Mexico. Thinking loving thoughts for us and for this ongoing process of self-fluency, self-discovery, turning inward with curiosity and as much kindness and humor as we can muster. Stay with us, friends. Come be in my Bad Poets Society! I love you and love that you are here.


The Fluent Self