Yesterday was full of iguanas and other things I didn’t feel like doing.
It was also full of doubt and discouragement.
And too much of it.
Overwhelmed by the post-vacation catch-up game.
A weird and unexpected case of writer’s block.
Not hearing back about the lease for The Playground.
Getting disconnected. Forgetting why I do this. Not in the mood. Poor me, etc.
And most of the things that normally pull me back out weren’t doing the trick.
Anyway. At the end of the day I made a list of what did help, a little.
And put it by the bed in case the discouragement monsters were planning to stop by for a visit this morning.
Things that were helpful yesterday afternoon and may possibly also be helpful today.
As in, permission to feel like crap.
I am allowed to feel discouraged.
Even though it feels very not okay that I am deep in the discouragement, this is where I am. Right now. Not forever. Just right now.
It’s temporary. And it’s how I’m feeling. And it doesn’t need to say anything deep about who I am. It’s a mood. It isn’t the whole of me.
And even though I want to be over it already, I am allowed to have a day where I lose my passion.
Reminders that this is normal.
All of it.
It’s normal to avoid things you care about.
It’s normal to doubt yourself.
It’s normal when you’re in the hard to think that it will always be hard.
Sometimes things are just not that fun. Understandable. I still don’t have to like it, but there isn’t anything weird about it.
There is a reason.
There is a reason for why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling, even if I can’t remember what it is or access the truth of it.
I don’t mean cosmic explanations or finding silver linings. I mean:
The endless wondering but why is it like this isn’t that helpful.
There are plenty of perfectly good reasons for me to be feeling discouraged, disconnected, confused.
And even without knowing exactly what they are, I can give myself that sense of this is a legitimate thing to be feeling.
What got you here won’t get you there.
Oh bless that book I didn’t like with the great title for giving me the most perfect, helpful phrase ever.
This is what reminds me that things are different now.
And in order to establish a new pattern, I can’t necessarily use the stuff that worked for me in the past.
It’s time to switch things up. It’s time to let go of my need to rely on what has been true for me before and to start asking what is needed now?
Just one thing.
When all else fails, I can always do just one thing.
Whatever I’m saying to myself? Probably the monsters.
All that stuff about how there’s no point and why even bother and everything sucks and I’m just not that good at this.
It’s not me. It’s them.
Or if I can’t talk to them, I remind myself that this is not the truth of who I am.
Editing the Book of You.
The nice thing about pulling out the Book of You is that even if the stuff in there doesn’t help, the act of editing it puts you into detective mode.
You aren’t identifying with the hard so much as learning about how it works and how you interact with it.
So, for example, yesterday I noted that the “taking a walk makes everything better” rule doesn’t hold if you walk somewhere crowded and busy.
And that when I can’t dance or do yoga or Shiva Nata, reclining on the floor and breathing totally counts.
And breathing. Again.
Four count inhale. Eight count exhale.
Legs up on the wall. Five minutes of just breathing.
This has gotten me through things too hard to write about on the blog.
It will be one of the things that will help me through this.
What would Andrey do?
There are four people in this world whom I admire so intensely that just invoking them makes things better.
My teachers. Andrey and Orna. My friend Hiro. My uncle Svevo.
Just remembering what it’s like to be around someone who turns inward.
Someone who makes seclusion a priority.
Someone who isn’t impressed by my stuff or the fact that I have it.
Someone who loves me unconditionally.
Someone who can practice sovereignty with grace and ease.
Someone who knows that discouragement is a part of a bigger whole.
Remembering this brings back that spark of hopefulness.
The truth is, it doesn’t even matter so much what it is that helps.
What matters is having stuff to try.
That conscious process of experimentation.
The part of you who knows that there will be comfort and support eventually.
What I’m telling myself this morning:
The next time discouragement shows up, your relationship to it will be slightly different. Because your relationship to yourself will be slightly different.
Slightly. It counts.
And … comment zen for today.
People vary. Techniques vary. What you need at any given time will vary.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.