Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
I am in love with the word current, it fills my heart with joy over multiple-meanings, and every time I see my list of Current Ops, I smile so hard.
Current is now: PRESENCE, right here.
Current is electric: POWER, transmitted.
Current is water: FLOW, movement.
So current ops are the projects and dreams and gwishes (goal-wishes!) that are alive, dynamic, moving, being transmitted, in process right now.*
I am in Portland right now. It is really good that I am in Portland right now, and I need to remember this because my monsters were very vocally against coming here, and now I am so glad I didn’t listen to them.
The original plan for this week had me near Escalante, Utah. My lover is canyoneering there, spending about nine hours a day doing things that I would not find particularly fun, and I was going to use that time for writing.
Except first the air conditioning stopped working, and then it was kind of working but only when you give it constant attention.
So that didn’t feel like a good plan. Writing for me is a full-immersion activity, not something I can do while one ear listens for specific sounds that may or may not indicate impending doom.
And what really didn’t feel good was knowing that if (when) it stopped working, I’d be roasting in 115 degree heat inside the tiny camper.
Actually, who cares about any of that.
I’m doing it again.
Giving reasons for my not-yes, trying to justify instinct when instinct just is.
Sometimes I forget that it is enough that something is not my yes. That’s all I need to know.
IT IS ENOUGH THAT SOMETHING IS NOT MY YES.
Is that not the point of Operation True Yes and the past three months living on the road? To learn more about what is my yes and what is not my yes. And now I know.
Being in Escalante wasn’t my yes, and I don’t need reasons, I just need to hear my yes. My yes was to get out and my body said get out, and so I left.
I went home to my sweet, peaceful house with its cool cross-breezes and flowers from the garden, and my monsters said, UGH YOU ARE A BIG BABY AND YOU ARE GIVING UP ON ADVENTURE AND YOU ARE BAD AT ADVENTURING AND THIS IS STUPID AND YOU DON’T DESERVE SABBATICAL TIME BECAUSE YOU SCREW EVERYTHING UP AND NOW YOU ARE RUNNING BACK HOME BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT YOU ARE THE WORST.
But they were wrong.
In fact, this might be the best move I’ve ever made.
My body certainly thought so. Once out of the heat and the fear and the stress, my chronic pain actually went on vacation. For the first time in six weeks, my body feels pretty good. I’ve been sleeping well. I feel relieved and peaceful. This was a good call.
Superpower of trusting my yes: ACTIVATE. Superpower of knowing that I chose right: ACTIVATE. Superpower of following my instinct: ACTIVATE. Superpower of I can’t screw this up: ACTIVATE.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow the thread of my yes, to remember what I love, what I was excited about, why I was excited about it.
Pain makes it worse, as does fear.
Sometimes I need to remember the superpowers. The May superpower of I Take Care of Myself First. The June superpower of I Am Stronger Than I Think. The July superpower of This Is A Badass Way To Live.
And I need to remember that the real mission is taking exquisite care of myself, all the time.
Sometimes the best thing I can do for the mission is take a nap, have a good cry, trust that these are not keeping me from the mission, these are supporting the mission.
Hey, sometimes they might even be the mission.
I am allowed to forget that a hundred times a day, and I am allowed to keep remembering, to stay current, to remember the current.
Everything is better with a container.
The monsters helpfully tried to point out that going to Portland was a terrible idea because sixteen days without my lover is no fun, and hiding at home isn’t an adventure, and WHAT IS THE POINT.
Except sixteen days is a container. Sixteen days is a good amount of time for a secret operation. Secret ops!
Sixteen days is a framework in which things can happen, change, heal, be released. Sixteen days is a good way to practice meeting an Incoming me or an aspect of myself that has been ignored or forgotten. Sixteen days of being.
What do I know about this particular op.
It has to do with LESS DOING and MORE BEING.
We could also call this more Tha and less Ha.
Parameters: doing three things a day tops, and at least one of them is a BEING thing like having a nap or a bath or staring into space.
And of course, giving this op to someone else, because a secret identity is a very fun (and useful) way to play.
Marlena Wild is my secret identity for this one. She is fun, and she is really good at Not Caring, which is a thing I need to learn.
- Bright colors.
- Standing tall.
- Strappy sandals.
- Cotton headbands.
- Feet on the ground.
- Alchemy in the kitchen (and in the lab, and in the bedroom).
- Orgasms, of course.
- Slow deep breaths.
- Adjusting her invisible crown.
- Treating REST like an extreme sport that she’s both fanatical about and very good at.
- Living downstairs. Loving downstairs.
- Clearing out the bowl.
I went to see Danielle (Dr. Cornelius) for treatment because she is amazing, and she gave me the homework of “more being than doing”.
More being than doing.
A school of being.
During the session, I had so many memories surface from growing up and being in school.
School was not really a healthy setting for a highly sensitive person. I needed so much recovery time, so much emptying and releasing, and that just didn’t exist, even as a concept.
I remembered, and remembered myself, and made a safe house for me-from-then, and let the entire concept of SCHOOL get tossed into a bonfire.
And then a new school showed up. A school of BEING.
It was made from honeycomb and it was also a school of BEE-ing.
This made me laugh.
And it made me think of what Barbara Sher says about honeybees: No one criticizes a honeybee for spending more time or less time on a particular flower. We trust that the honeybee knows what it’s doing. But we torture ourselves with the idea that we “gave up” on projects before they were “completed”. We have to trust our bee-selves and remember that we stayed for as long as there was nectar for us.
So bee-ing is another form of being. Trusting that however much effort I put into something (or decide not to put into something) is enough.
I invoke all the superpowers of honeybees, including trusting that the second I feel done with a flower, I am done with that flower, and I do not need to justify that to anyone.
What is my wish?
I want to let myself be excited about the things I am currently (current!) excited about, and give myself permission to not visit flowers that don’t spark joy for me.
I want to be conscious and playful in how I approach projects.
I want to do less, and then do even less than that, and trust that this is enough.
I want to wear hot pink shorts when I feel like it, and hide when I feel like it, and wait for the current to tell me what is next.
You are invited to make up secret identities! You are invited to name ops, which you are then welcome to ignore and not follow if another flower pulls you instead!
And you are are still welcome to make suggestions on ebooks that you might want me to write, which I might not write, because I am a honeybee.
My ears are ringing from being out in the world. I feel disoriented and fatigued.
I am practicing the thing that always helps: ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND LEGITIMACY.
This makes sense, even if I don’t know why or how. This is a normal way for a person-who-is-me to react to being in a city again, to loud and unexpected noises, to change, to stress. It is safe to have reactions. It is safe to take care of myself. It is safe to breathe and notice, and to challenge the monster-stories.
Just because the world isn’t built to support highly sensitive people doesn’t mean something is wrong with me for having strong reactions to life.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Look at these beautiful things that are emerging from Shmita.
Me: But what if I’m just bad at being an adult.
She: You are enough, my love.
Bee is the name of a very special person I know, and Honey is the name of a very special person I sometimes am.
The superpower of I am stronger than I think.
This week’s wish is about all of these. Letting go, being a bell, taking care of myself, living in truth.
I will take all the reminders I can get.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week aka MOHO…
That was a wonderful wish that took me to all kinds of places. For one thing, it got me here, into an op that is about being (and BEE-ing) rather than doing.
Also my lover and I looked at motorhomes and got some ideas for a tiny house, and then went back to the earthship plan, and are generally excited about [building] and [small] and [sustainable].
And moho can also stand for More Honesty, which is what happens when I listen to my body and trust my yes.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.