Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Yesterday I woke up with a word. I blinked. It was still there.
I hadn’t gone to bed with it.
It isn’t a word I have a previous connection with.
It was just there, tucked into the palm of my hand, glowing in the center of my head.
I tasted it. I wrote it down and tried to hear it, and it was funny, like when you repeat something until it loses all meaning, just improbable sounds.
And then I understood and laughed.
A week ago.
Exactly a week ago, I made a wish called Releasing Wishes, and it was about releasing and also about double meanings. And now?
Now I have this word: SHED.
To shed is to release. A shed is also a structure, a container, or a tiny home.
It was perfect and hilarious. I’d asked for releasing and double meanings, and was hand-delivered a clue about releasing, in the form of a double meaning.
A verb and a noun.
It is a very small and very funny word.
Tell me about the shed. What do I know about shedding?
Shedding is what snakes do.
It is [release] + [metamorphosis].
It is uncovering and letting go and allowing a transformation.
I roasted red peppers this morning in the hot camper. Everything was steamy: me, the peppers, the truck baking in the Utah sun.
When I pulled them out of the oven, the charred, blackened skins of the peppers seemed like they were glued on. But then a little tug at an edge, the pepper gives a little sigh, gives way, the casing slides off into my olive-oil coated hands.
That is shedding.
What do I know about sheds?
Yesterday I experienced the most powerful, cathartic, overpowering experience of [RELEASE] of my entire life, beyond anything I knew was possible.
Also the first that wasn’t centered in sex or death or loss.
In the afternoon, a very intense body treatment, in a very intense space, on a very intense table. It was ninety minutes of remarkable visions, received in sparkling clarity, and maybe I will share those with you some time.
In the evening, my lover and I were watching a movie. It was a movie about baseball (I love movies about baseball), and it didn’t seem like it would have anything triggering in it, but I read a couple synopses online just in case, and they neglected to mention some very pertinent intel.
It had an abuse scene, and the scene took place IN A SHED, I am realizing now, and I can’t tell you what happened in the scene because the second it began, I was launching myself into the air, landing in child’s pose, howling and wailing, shrieking, whimpering, hyperventilating.
It lasted for hours.
I made sounds I have never made before, never heard anyone make before, did not know were possible to make. I raged sound until my throat was raw and ragged, and well beyond that.
There weren’t thoughts involved in the process, other than this:
“I want to run away. I don’t want to feel this. I cannot handle this much feeling. No one should have to feel this.”
And the steady voice of slightly wiser me: “I’m here, love. Presence.”
I wanted so badly to run away.
And if I hadn’t been in my underwear in a camper in a parking lot across from a mexican restaurant at night, I probably would have. I wanted to run forever.
I knew the answer was BE PRESENT AND BREATHE, and my god I wanted to run. I didn’t want to feel these overpowering feelings, this potency of sensation, this vomiting of emotion.
How do you process the bursting of a dam you hadn’t even known existed. There was no way I could have prepared for this. Upheaval. Sorrow and grief and raging pain.
I sobbed my heart out in child’s pose for an hour, at least, when I finally moved (to flop onto my belly and continue sobbing into the sheets), both my legs were completely asleep. For the longest time I couldn’t feel them at all, then pins and needles forever.
There was gratitude in that too: the prickling felt like life: remembering that this too shall pass, and sooner rather than later.
An author I know likes to say that the only way out is through, and while I don’t at all believe this is necessarily always the case, this was the right time for believing that.
Through. Through. Through.
I was coming through it, somehow, in a spectacular shedding of what felt like everything. There was a through. There was a way to come out on the other side.
My lover positioned himself beside me, at a slight distance, warm hand on the small of my back, not saying a word, while these agonized sounds released from my body.
He is good at radiating safety, and at not needing explanations, and both of those things are treasure.
A couple hours passed before the storms quieted, and I was able to open my eyes again. The camper was pitch black. My lover pulled a blanket over me and kissed my cheek.
I have never fallen apart like this before, nothing even remotely close, and I wonder if in part it’s because I have never been able to trust that someone could witness it without needing anything from me: words, reassurance that I’m okay, some sort of sign of life….
This morning the mysterious pain I’ve been carrying for the past month was gone.
That is not to say that it is gone for good, who can know that. But generally the mornings are hardest, and today there has not even been a sign of it.
I don’t know what happened in the rest of the movie, and I don’t need to know. I am assuming a happy ending for all. I am assuming a happy ending for me.
What is my wish?
Last week, I wished for releasing.
Yesterday, I received the word SHED, and I received a releasing (floodgates!) that was beyond anything I could have imagined possible.
So now I wish for a gentle, sweet, smooth shed. Like the skin of the red pepper sliding gracefully into my palm.
And I wish to play with this concept of shed, in both senses. Letting go of pieces of identity. Letting go of the outer casing. Tiny houses and earth-ships. Safe rooms.
A shed doesn’t have to be a creepy place like in the film. A shed can be cozy, safe, sweet, welcoming.
What else do I know about this?
Wishing is amazing. Wishing is enough.
I seeded releasing, and I received shed. I am seeding shed (and gentleness!), and who knows what beautiful and surprising things will reveal themselves when I pay attention.
Something emerged from this big releasing and it has to do with writing.
Writing is my biggest form of releasing and it is how I process being alive, and you have probably already noticed this.
Not-working is doing big healing magic for me right now, except I have to figure out how to cover some costs for me and the business, and realized yesterday I could write something I really want to write anyway, and make it available for sale to help support this Shmita/releasing time.
You are welcome and invited to cast a vote in favor of one of the possibilities which are sparking for me at the moment. I’m not taking new topic suggestions but if you like any of these, let me know!
- The Fluent Self Sleep book. A playful manual of self-investigation for healing and working with various challenges and mysteries related to sleep: falling asleep, peaceful dreams, waking feeling rested and peaceful.
- The Book of Yes. My journal from Operation True Yes, where I ask the question “What do I want?” as many times as it needs to be asked. On living by yes.
- Fluency & Self-Fluency. I originally started this business to help people learn languages quickly by using self-fluency techniques. This has been re-surfacing.
- Eight Stories. From my life. On a theme. Like VERY long, extremely personal blog posts, except with the stuff I don’t share on the blog, and more in-depth process.
I am in a supermarket, watching a guy buy a giant basil plant, and wishing I had a garden.
Presumably it would also come with a garden shed.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: You have so many allies in releasing. The mountains. Words. Clues. People who love you and support you.
Me: That is very interesting, I think of this as such a solitary endeavor.
She: It isn’t. You are held in love.
I just looked up and saw the words THANK YOU in large letters above the door. This is my fourth time in here this week, and I only just noticed.
The superpower of I am stronger than I think.
The quality for May was REVERBERATE, and it comes with I take care of myself first. Now we are in June: RELEASE MORE, with the quality of I am stronger than I think.
Apparently being stronger than I think is what allowed me to break down completely.
Strength is a wonderful companion to releasing and to vulnerability.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week aka releasing wishes…
I try to never say the phrase “be careful what you wish for”, because it gets on my nerves: we already have enough reasons to keep ourselves from wishing.
So I will just say that I received an ABUNDANCE of releasing, and I am glad for it, and now I am planting some gentleness for the next round.
Also wanted to mention that our Fi has been raising funds for surgery for her sweet dog Molly, help if you can or spread the word!
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
Thumbs up to Fluent Self Book of Sleep!
Delight! A new ebook!
My favourite would be “Eight Stories”, because I love in-depth processing.
I am sure that whichever book gets written will be magical and full of Havi wisdom.
I would also like to make a wish about “releasing”. I would like help in releasing things right now.
A vote for the Book of Sleep. xoxo
Ooh. Ooh! I am tingling with excitement at the idea of a new ebook! I would vote either Eight Stories or the Book of Yes.
I would like to plant a beautiful, glowing tree of a wish that is named W. This tree has such beautiful solid roots of support, and such glowing green leaves of shelter and shade, and branches to explore, and I just feel comfortable there. It is a place of possibility. May this wish come to me in the way it needs to <3
Eight stories, please. 🙂
Oh. Wow. What beautiful wishes. What beautiful everything. I have so many heart pebbles for you.
I cast my vote for the Fluency and Self-Fluency book. That being said, they all sound intriguing, and chances are good that I will buy whichever you choose to offer.
Meanwhile, what do I want? I want to write a song. I want a haircut. I want a massage. I want plenty of sleep, with enlightening dreams. I want plenty of sushi. I want purple palazzo pants.Most of all — in this moment, at least — I want to remember that I *do* know what I want. Oh, yes, I do.
Uff dah. So much hard in the releasing; wishing you gentler forms now that the dam has busted.
And confessing to a sliver (and more than a sliver, maybe more like a great big SLAB) of jealousy that you have a partner who understands that what pain needs is a safe place, a place where no one needs anything from the one currently suffering, just a warm hand on the back or shoulder and presence.
Yup. Slab of jealousy with an inch of envy frosting.
Which is, of course, a sign from the Monster Kitchens that I need to do the work; to say to my partner that when I am hurting, all I need is someone to bear witness and be a container for a little while; just until the words come back and I can then give him what he needs (that I’m all right, that this too will pass, that there is a way through).
And another vote for the Self-Fluency project, please, though three of the four sound amazing and awesome. Whichever one doesn’t get chosen (because SABBATICAL) will come back in another delightful form.
<3 for all this. And god yes, I have had SO many experiences of partners/friends being like, OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY ARE YOU DYING WHAT SHOULD I DO DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG, and it's so hard in the moment to communicate lovingly (or at all) that you just need them to let you go through it. *waves to Monster Kitchens*
Me too. (On both sides of it.)
Very slow, soft breath: Releasing guilt about the past. I am learning how to let these moments be easier.
Fluency and Self-fluency is vibrating all sorts of yes for me (but really I would love to read any of those).
The language-learning one! The language-learning one! Omg, the language-learning one!
Oodles of hearts and pebbles and flowers for all of this. As for your writing options, they all sound intriguing, but The Fluent Self Sleep Book definitely sparked for me. <3
They all sound good! (‘I choose all!’ which is about the only way that I resemble Thérèse of Lisieux.) But I think either the Book of Sleep or Fluency and Self-Fluency would get my vote.
This week’s wish: releasing.
Wishing you loads of calmness and gentleness and smiles and relaxing after that dam burst.
And I’d love to read “The book of YES”. 🙂
Thank you ?? I’m overflowing wt gratitude for your sharing. And gratitude for my hand knowing to put itself on my heart as I felt myself release the grip of something as I read.
My votes: eight stories or fluency/self fluency 🙂
My question marks are supposed to be a heart…emojis
So much synchronicity here.
I would read any of those e-books; they all sound kinda magical.
I have a word pair that I thought of when you mentioned SHED. Mine is SLOUGH. [sloo] A noun that means a stagnant body of water; [sluff] a verb that means shedding(!). I keep trying to work this word pair into a poem, but it’s not ready yet.
Literally an hour ago I finished reading a book from 1985 (a significant year for me), Feminist Archetypal Theory, which talked about Sumerian mythology’s Descent of Inanna into Ereshkigal’s Great Below. And… there are resonances to your account of your intense releasing experience.
I love your long posts.
Thank you. <3 This story felt like a gift today.
The Book of Yes resonates most for me, and I too will probably love any of them anyway.
I wish to plant a wish of [hard-to-name quality] that envelopes trust, flow, support and allowing. Like floating on a river, and the more relaxed I am, the more I trust the water, the safer I'll be.
My votes :: Fluency & Self-Fluency + The Book of Yes, but I’d ready anything you wrote!
I’d love A Book of Yes and maybe then Eight Stories 🙂 A smile for the basil. When we took off to wander while we looked for a new home we adopted a supermarket pot of basil, called him Basil and took round with us for two months. That’s nearly two years ago and he’s still living on my windowsill. No garden needed though we have a lovely one now.
Each and every single one of those e-books have my vote (is that allowed?!). I would love any one of them (or all four – eventually and if / as it felt good).
Deep breath & small (beautiful) pebble for releasing <3
My, what beautiful wishes! I see your seeds of gentleness and I glow love towards them. <3 <3
My vote is for Eight Stories.
Book of Yes and Fluency and Self-Fluency please!
I vote for Operation True Yes, the Sleep Book and 8 Stories, in that order. I also vote for having Capers in the next book because I LOVE Capers! This is why Art of Embarking and the Monster Coloring book are my faves among your books, because Capers are an invitation to Play Along.
I’ve seeded a number of wishes, big and small, lately, and I am invoking SuperPowers regularly, and wow this is really bringing me into deeper juicy consciousness. There’s Treasure everywhere!
What’s getting some traction lately is my [Food Issues] project that I proxy Yellow Daisies Project. This is a huge, weighted and freighted morass of stuff, it’s not easy to unpack. And while I don’t like to frame these types of capers as restricted or forbidden, there is as much “do not” as “do” in this list. My intel so far and investigations
-no sugar. PROVEN. maybe we can just do a sugary treat on Full Moons
-eliminate gluten. investigate how we feel
-1st thing: warm water & lemon with a probiotic
-2nd thing: protein
-less processed food = more cooking
-make use of farmers market season.
-more water & tea every day, substitute for soda PROVEN
-soda has to go but that’s pretty scary still, so we are SUBBING out other drinks. PROVEN
-my body knows what it wants
-alternate goals for each day, so we can investigate this, without going into austerity mode. a no-gluten day, a vegan meal, etc
-do not forget that food is pleasure
-gardening. as I tend my garden I come into a deeper intimacy and consciousness about the food I eat
-good books. Read Lucky Peach quarterly, cookbooks and experiment. Remember, MUCH support exists for this at home.
Also, I am Noticing more. I don’t know how to quanitify this, but it is happening.
Update on last week:
I had the job interview, which seemed to go well. But they wanted something I didn’t have. A breath for the legitimacy of being sad for a little bit. And a breath for those people who want so badly for me not to be sad for one second that they can’t help but to pass on platitudes.
I wasn’t ready to release my wishes about the Boy. And then I got confusing intel from a third party about things he’d said about me and us and I flew into a (thankfully private) fit of indignation. Then the next day she said “no, he said this, like this, about this, in a sweet way.” But still. I wish that he and I can talk about us to us.
So, during this time of being sad about the job, I think I will release the wish about the Boy, too. Because sometimes things need to travel in pairs. And the Boy and the Job can go elsewhere together.
My Wishes This Week:
More good clients.
To lose hope and to just live the life I have now.
What beautiful wishes!
<3 and -o- for that powerful shedding.
I vote for Fluency and Self-fluency, but they all sound fabulous.
All four of these writing ideas sound amazing and wonderful, and I would love to read all of them. Right now my relationship with sleep is so out of whack, I vote for the Sleep Book. But oh, the Self-Fluency book is such a wonderful idea too.
Reading about sheds and thinking about my associations with sheds: two sayings — take someone to the woodshed, and out behind the shed — which I never experienced but heard a lot when I was growing up — and my Aunt Nana’s shed, where she put anything and everything that she was done with but not ready to release (which I note is the opposite of one of the meanings of shed) — and then I read about your profound shedding experience and — I’m speechless. I sat for the longest time before I could continue reading. Wow! Wishing *is* powerful!
I vote for Fluency and Self Fluency I love the idea of using Self Fluency techniques to learn languages and am intrigued about how that would work! And if I could transfer those techniques to teaching… maybe people would indirectly learn Self Fluency while learning Spanish. And maybe by using Self Fluency to help me learn other languages (because I want to be a polyglot when I grow up) will help me use it more in other areas of my life. What a gift!
I think any of those books would be marvelous.
What beautiful wishes, you-all.
Besides a new book from Havi, I want: A nap! And time to work on my online courses that I’ve gotten way behind on. And for my feet to stop hurting. The ability to comfort my sister.
You ARE held in Love <3 <3 <3. My wisest friend Annie said to me, when I had the Mega-Meltdown of my Life 2 years ago "sometimes you have to breakdown to break through", and she was right…
glowing love at all of us and our beautiful wishes
Yes to the book of Yes.
Today I have a lot of superpowers around not being seen, so… [vanishing noise]
Would love to read any of those books, but mostly Eight Stories! Sending hearts and pebbles and wish-magic your way 🙂
OHHH, the sleep one! I mean, all of them, yes to all of them, but the sleep one was the one that super super lit right up for me with all of the shiny lightingupness. <3
All of your writings sound amazing! I know that my partner would LOVE the Fluency and Self-Fluency book in particular, because she is a linguiphile (just made that up, there is probably a more official word?) and is learning, like, 10 languages at the same time. And both of us have puzzled deeply over “how it is that Havi used shiva nata to learn German?!” 🙂
That said, write what delights your heart the most, and that’ll be the best thing for us too.
The sleep book sounds wonderful, though all of them sound wonderful. I will vote for the sleep book with lots of yes to all of them, honestly the prospect of reading any kind of project from you sounds great.
I first read this post when I was in a panic myself, I am still tired and tongue tied about it (communication has been incredibly hard. I’d edit that but the awkward punctuation and grammar is accurate to what I’ve been struggling with verbally. This whole week. The smoothness of these blog posts has been soothing to read though. I think I’ll go through the archives tonight. Right now wishing for ease, comfort, calm, reassurance, and all as quiet as possible, please. Thank you universe.
one vote for fluency and self-fluency book! one pebble bouquet for rest and healing.
I would like the Book of Sleep for The Dude. The one that interests me most is Fluency and Self-fluency. I like having access to the Library of Havi and being able to find what I need when I need it.
Another vote for the Sleep Book, although they all sound great 🙂
Fwiw,Book of Yes especially and Eight Stories as well . . . Missed this first time around but saw it linked in the release papers post…much love to you, Havi
And oh this timing is right timing for me, thank you for sharing your releasing/shedding story <3