very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

It’s right there in the name.

So I’m still on the road, on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic.

Day 25 if you can believe it. This op is kind of just taking as long as it takes, which makes sense if you think about what its called.

We ended up staying in San Diego much longer than planned, not that we had plans.

We camped out in Molly’s backyard and ended up just staying there. I know Molly because she was at a Rally (Rally!) a few years ago. I’m pretty sure at this point that all my friends are Rally people. It is quite possible I only have friends from Rally.

The first night we were there, Molly asked me some sort of ridiculously simple question, something like “what do you want to be doing with your life?”

Hearing.

And I really heard this question instead of just lalala catching up with friends.

I answered completely truthfully.

And I heard what I said as I was saying it.

I want to do this all the time.

I mean, that’s Radical Sovereignty.

Being completely present with my feelings, needs and desires. Present with them, clear about them, and upfront about them, both with myself and with the people in my life.

Expecting the people in my life to do the same with me.

Aiming for resonance and clarity. Saying a yes and knowing it is my Whole Hearted Yes, no more hanging out with the sort-of maybes.

What do I know about this?

Hearing both the question and the answer involves quiet. Getting quieter and quieter, in all ways.

It involves JOY and PLAY, and I have access to both of these, because they live inside of me.

It involves curiosity and receptivity.

It involves a commitment to sustenance and sustainability.

These are all things I want anyway. So nothing needs to change. I don’t need to change course, because I’m already on course.

I just need to breathe and remember.

And ask this question more often.

Hilariously I ask this question every week.

Right here.

That is the question of wishing. What do I want? What do I really want?

Or as I’ve been asking it lately, what do I know about what I want?

Here’s what I’m actually asking:

What do I really know if I’m being completely honest with myself?

Other questions I’m loving right now.

  1. What would I want to be doing if money, time and external expectations weren’t an issue?
  2. What helps me be more of a bell?
  3. What enhances my ability to experience my light, and what diminishes it?
  4. What needs to be eliminated? And what needs to be illuminated?
  5. What would I be doing if I didn’t care at all how anyone else would react?

What do I know about this?

Pretty much any question can be the right question, if I’m listening and being honest.

What do I know about what I want?

The words coming up right now are OPEN and VULNERABLE.

So basically it’s a lot like love.

Maybe everything is a lot like love.

What’s next.

I’m not always going to have a Molly moment where the right person is there to ask the right question.

I need to be that person for myself.

This means a return to the practice of stone skipping, something I am missing now that I don’t have Rally.

I need to remember that it doesn’t really matter what the question is. If I had amnesia, or could only bring one question to a desert island (there’s a question or two in that, why am I on this island and why can I only bring one question!), I wouldn’t need more than the wishing question.

What do I really want?

Over and over again.

What do I really want to be doing with my time. What do I really want from this moment, this interaction, this blog post, the experience of eating this apple, this walk down the produce aisle.

What do I really want?

I want to retire and just be an eccentric writer.

And yes, I kind of already am doing that.

But there it is. That’s what I want. In all of its raw truth. That’s what I told Molly.

Now.

I am in a climbing gym.

People are incredibly high up in the air and somehow, impossibly, no one is screaming. I’m pretty sure I’d be falling apart up there. I do not like heights, and I need my hands to talk.

Anyway, I’m watching, admiring the way people do not seem to be overly concerned with their mortality. I wonder what that would be like.

The beautiful boy is bouldering. I can’t see him but I can picture his graceful agile movement through space, I actually feel the arc of his movement from here, as if a shape sketched through air has a physical sensation to it.

It does right now.

I am sitting on a fantastically ugly couch. I had to sign a waiver to sit on this couch. Both of those things are enough of a reminder of the vulnerability of life for me. I do not feel any particular need to be suspended from a rope. I will find my quiet and my grace in other pursuits for now.

What do I really want?

Same as the past few weeks. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: The reason you were able to hear Molly’s question is that you have spent the past two years working with the concepts of This Moment Is Right and Where Is The Treasure.
Me: Okay…
She: That’s a skill you gained from everything seemingly going horribly wrong, and the Spectacular Flailure (yes) of your new business which ended up with you being in charge of a chocolate shop that you do not want. This is how you learned to become the person who pays attention to a moment because that moment is right.
Me: So you are saying that the solution to the challenge resides in the skills received from experiencing that challenge?
She: That’s pretty funny, right?
Me: Yes, yes it is.

Clues?

I shared what I really, really, really want, and Calais said: “This Is The Right Way To Live. This Is The Right Way To Live. Just keep repeating that.”

Just keep repeating that.

The superpower of wearing my crown.

November-2014-Sovereignty
We’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.

Current sovereignty challenges: Standing in my strength, unapologetically glowing, trusting what I know, trusting that doing what is obviously good for me is also good for everyone else involved. Acting on this steady truth.

The neighborhood where I stayed for several days last week had a Triple Crown pub, in case I needed another reminder about that.

Ongoing wishes.

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • My body gets the deciding vote.
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
  • I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me, I Am Okay With Being Seen, Everything Enhances My Superpowers.

Taking care of these seeds.

The intentions have been planted, the sails are set. Whatever intel, fruits or flowers emerge will be just right, whatever they are. Thank you in advance.

Now to nap on it, dance it, write it, play with it, take notes, skip stones, walk the labyrinth. Deep breaths, purple pills, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true. And a good costume change never hurts. Also eight breaths in eight directions:

Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka Clues everywhere, may I see them and laugh…

Yes, this was an exceptionally good week for clues. I got a lot of clarity, and, much to my surprise, an astonishing amount of work done. I trusted myself this week.

Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more. Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox