very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

The unraveling.

As soon as we got to LA, my body forgot how to sleep.

It wasn’t noisy, at least not on the physical plane. Haha, see, that is a very LA thing to say.

That is one nice thing about LA. I am not the the only weirdo.

Anyway, the environs were surprisingly quiet but I was not quiet.

I mean, I was in the sense that I am always quiet. My head was not quiet.

Without quiet, I can’t feel what I need anymore.

After three nights of being wide awake from 2am to 6am, staring into space, wondering what could possibly be useful about having a very expensive-to-run way-too-much-work chocolate shop when I don’t even eat chocolate or care about it at all, I lost all my senses.

My senses were still there of course, it was just that my connection to sensing was gone.

I was so tired I couldn’t tell if I was hungry or not, couldn’t feel my moods, couldn’t feel my body.

I was in that ptsd-like state where you really just need someone to tell you what happens next, someone to propel you into motion when motion is necessary by standing you up, pushing you gently and steadily in the right direction.

My traveling companion was able to step in and do this, to make executive decisions: Let’s get you food. Let’s find the sunscreen. Can you handle a ten minute walk? Let’s do that. Take my hand.

It was so disorienting walking down the street not being able to feel the street. I couldn’t feel the qualities that are usually all around me. I couldn’t feel the wisdom of my thank-you heart.

I felt lost and bewildered.

Except then there were clues.

For a panicked moment, I thought, how will I find my way without being able to feel the qualities, my compass of qualities all around me?

I couldn’t feel them anymore. It was an uncomfortable moment.

I tried naming what was around me:

Green bushes. White wall. Brown dog, pink leash, wagging tail. Clouds in the sky. I am here.

And then, suddenly, there were clues, everywhere. And qualities everywhere.

We turned onto Rose street, and I could feel a flash of my beloved Red Rose Ballroom, which is a very magical place even if it does keep me up at night.

A sign in the window of a shop said Comfort and Ease, and I breathed those in and whispered thank you in my heart.

A cafe was called Gratitude, and I breathed that in: thank you, yes, this is good, this is better.

There were more roses painted on walls, and this helped too, reminding me of my sweet hometown, the Rose City, and the gardens where I like to walk.

I can use clues.

There is something very reassuring about clues, also in remembering that anything can be a clue.

I called on all the superpowers of roses to help me:

Unapologetically Beautiful. Built-in Protection. Long-lasting Vitality. Secret Captivating Fragrance. Strong and Fearless. Notice Me!

It was still hard to feel, like through a cloud, but I began to perk up, knowing they were streaming in.

I looked down on the ground and right in front of my feet someone had sprayed graffiti that said LOVE IS ALL, because LA is the most LA place in the entire world, and I pointed at it, and my lover smiled and kissed my cheek, and I felt that, and sighed audibly with relief because ohmygod I can feel things again.

I focused on my feet until I could feel the sensation of them against the ground again, not just the sound of my falling-apart flip-flops but the actual ground itself.

Thank you, clues.

What do I know about this?

I want to see the clues, use the clues, let them guide me back to what I need.

All the time, not just when I’m so spaced out and worn down that I can hardly see straight.

I want to see just how much good is there for me, just how many sweet reminders there are to reconnect.

I mean, come on. Each tree is whispering love. Each flower is glowing beauty. Even street signs tell me to stop, literally, and god knows I need that. Each beautiful red light is saying breathe, breathe.

So if I’m not seeing clues then it’s because I’m busy, too busy with life to be present with life. Who wants that? How ridiculous is that?

Or it’s because I have forgotten to pay attention to what I need and want in the moment, and paying attention to that, as far as I’m concerned, is the entire point of being alive.

How else am I supposed to take exquisite care of myself, how else am I going to stay deeply connected to the vital joy of Aliveness? How else am I going to remember to glow boldly?

Not to mention: How am I going to be of service to the world if I’m not focused on staying intimately true to myself?

I want to see the clues.

I want to see clearly.

To delight in all the beautiful ways I am already cared for, I already have what I need.

To notice how I am held by life.

To be attentive when it comes to taking care of myself, to make changes in how I do this. For example, if I need internal quiet to sleep, and the physical place I am in does not support that, I need to run away to the mountains, which is what I am doing now.

Anyway, the point is, I want to be with the clues.

What’s next.

Here’s what happens when I don’t follow clues.

For example, my body is like, oh hey babe we need rest, and I say, lalala okay maybe later, and then I get sick.

Why would I want to teach my body — to train it to get my attention in loud dramatic ways?

Why would I not want to train myself to be the most loving listener ever.

I am thinking of all of this in the context of Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, which I am currently on,

Last week I got some pretty big intel about what needs to happen next, and it scares me how much I want it. It scares me to say it out loud. I am terrified to act on it. I am equally terrified to not act on it.

The intel is here, so am I going to listen? That seems like the only reasonable choice, and yet here I am, wondering.

Now.

I am wearing toasty red socks that used to belong to my mother. They hold the qualities of Warmth and Comfort.

I am high up in the mountains with an outrageous sky full of stars.

The beautiful boy sang to me as we drove. He touched my cheek and I sighed contentedly, like a sleepy cat. We saw a spectacular falling star on our long winding way up the mountain road.

Here it is easier for me to feel qualities, access them, let them move through my body. Less interference, in all forms.

I need to learn how to be the person who can do this when I am not on a mountain (I mean that mostly metaphorically but also yes, mountains), and that will come whenever it comes.

For now it just feels good to feel again.

May I see clearly, breathe deeply, take exquisite care of myself, ask loving questions, choose peacefulness, smile at stars.

What do I really want?

Same as the past few weeks. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: Release with love, receive with love.
Me: That’s it?
She: That’s EVERYTHING, babe.

Clues?

Passed a sign on the road and my traveling companion said, Now that’s a good sign.

Yes, yes it is.

The superpower of wearing my crown.

November-2014-Sovereignty
We’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.

Current sovereignty challenges: Standing in my strength, unapologetically glowing, trusting what I know, trusting that doing what is obviously good for me is also good for everyone else involved. Acting on this steady truth.

Oh, you know what? I got a clue for this one too actually!

Yesterday I was thinking about how I forget to advocate for myself, and then a truck pulled in front of us, a white truck with nothing on it except two freshly painted green crowns on the back. As if to say: YES, THIS IS WHAT IS NEEDED. EACH OF YOU WEARING YOUR CROWN.

Ongoing wishes.

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • My body gets the deciding vote.
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
  • I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me, I Am Okay With Being Seen, Everything Enhances My Superpowers.

Taking care of these seeds.

The intentions have been planted, the sails are set. Whatever intel, fruits or flowers emerge will be just right, whatever they are. Thank you in advance.

Now to nap on it, dance it, write it, play with it, take notes, skip stones, walk the labyrinth. Deep breaths, purple pills, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true. And a good costume change never hurts. Also eight breaths in eight directions:

Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka Blessed…

This was a very good week for feeling my way into this.

Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more. Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox