very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

Simple. Not easy, just simple.

I came back from the funeral and I was exhausted and worn down and a mess, and Danielle said let’s go take care of ourselves.

She is wise about life, and it is funny how often I forget that the wisdom of life is so impossibly simple: Let’s take care of ourselves.

Let’s pause. Let’s get quiet. Let’s take care of ourselves.

That’s it, really. I fight this instead of softening into it.

A smile.

Danielle and I went to the dragontree spa for an ayurvedic treatment.

Sitting together in the beautiful airy waiting room, drinking tea, holding hands, breathing.

It was pretty perfect.

There is something about knowing you are about to be deeply cared for. I could feel my entire body relaxing into the safety of this moment.

A woman walked by, someone who worked there, and she smiled at me, and this smile was the most healing, transformative glowing moment, I could have stayed inside of that shared smile-moment for hours. Maybe I did.

What do I know about this smile?

It wasn’t a flirtatious smile. It wasn’t a polite officious smile. It was a smile of connection but it wasn’t a smile that needed anything from me.

Here is what it was:

It was a smile of LIFE and ALIVENESS.

And it was also smile of RECOGNITION: you also know about life and aliveness, and we are sharing a moment of being in this together.

It was a smile of the secret meaning of namaste:

“I am a secret glowing spark of truth-love, a fragment of god, and so are you, and I see you, I see this in you and we are allies.”

We are Secret Agents of Life. Do you see?

I have received this smile before, from trees and from the ocean, and once from an abandoned barn. But this was a person who is like me, but more so, because I don’t smile this smile at people.

I suspect she smiles this smile at everyone.

I would like to smile this smile at people more. My smile.

Then I learned something more about this smile.

She came out again a few minutes later. Someone asked how she was doing, and she glowed her smile and said, “I’m blessed”.

Normally when people say things like that, I find it kind of annoying.

I think in part because it tends to sound so automatic, you get the sense that it’s the thing the person thinks they should be saying. It doesn’t feel like a moment of blessing, or appreciating what has been blessed, it doesn’t come from a moment of presence and gratitude, it has the energy of jargon. Not sure if I’m explaining that well.

When she said it though it sounded more like this: “Thank you, I love being alive, I am so fortunate to be here in this moment having this interaction with you, what delight for both of us to be right here right now”.

This is how I want to be in the world.

I have moments of this.

At the Vicarage I have entire days where I just glow this.

It’s why I go. And it’s why I have to live in silence, so that I can remove as much interference as possible from these moments of true remembering.

And in daily life — I wanted to say “in real life”, but what does that even mean, I have sparks of this. Sometimes while dancing, or with Sam, or walking in the rose garden. Moments. Beautiful moments.

I want to grow these moments, spend more time connecting the dots between them, so I spend more time glowing in my thank you heart, and less time in the cramped worry-guilt List-Making corner of my mind.

She smiled that smile at me again, and then said, “I’m here for the lovely Danielle…”

I thought, this woman is in the right profession. What would that feel like for me? In what ways am I in the right profession, and in what ways do I need things to change so that I can say this about myself?

I know what I want.

Right now I am on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, and I am enjoying many of these sweet moments of thank-you.

My thank-you heart is glowing and expanding.

I want to figure out how to bring this home with me. To maintain and sustain these moments. To remember what’s important.

This glowing smile. This quiet pause. Being with the trees and the water. More breathing, less computering.

More appreciation, less tuning into the channels that steadily deliver bad news.

More movement, more stillness, more smiles, more knowing.

I want to choose my words with love, knowing that each thing I say secretly means “blessed“, whether that expresses itself in my words or not.

I want each breath to be a thank you. Holy holiness, right here.

What happens next?

I don’t know yet.

For now I am just wishing the wish, and noticing what happens.

I am going to keep walking, napping, dancing, writing, see what is revealed.

I am going to take time for conscious entry so I can turn on my bold glow and my smile of truth-love.

Trusting that more intel will come if I am ready to receive it.

What do I really want?

Same as the past few weeks. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: It really is more simple than you think.
Me: It feels really complicated right now though.
She: Both of these things can be true, my love.
Me: What do I do?
She: Ask that again when you are peaceful. In the meantime, do things that support your peacefulness.

Clues?

Yesterday I was feeling so completely joyful, and I was walking by the ocean and twinkling at it, and the ocean said to me, May you feel this much joy every day.

Except the ocean wasn’t so much saying it like a wish, it was a lot more like, “Listen, dumbass. Pay attention, please! You should GET TO FEEL this much joy every single day. That’s why you’re here. What are you doing with your life that you aren’t setting things up to be in joy state? Think about how you are living and start making changes.”

And then I went and had joyful yoga with my adventuring companion and a joyful shower and an impossibly joyful dinner, beautifully joyful dancing, blissfully joyful sleep, and I am thinking the ocean might be right. Ready for the next clue.

The superpower of wearing my crown.

November-2014-Sovereignty
We’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.

Current sovereignty challenges: oh, the usual.

Saying This is what I need, and Hey, this is not working for me, and No, this is not okay for me. Learning to do all of these. Not easy, but important.

Ongoing wishes.

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
  • I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. See also: The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers. And adds panache.

Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…

Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth. Take lots of notes. Take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.

More sweet pauses, yes to the red lights, remember the purple pills, say thank you to the broken pots. Permission. Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Stone skipping with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Lipstick. My body gets the deciding vote. And, as always, saying thank you in advance.

Give it to the compass: Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.

Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka Tranquility! Recovery! Magic! Ta da!…

Everything I wished for came true, and then some. Including some wishes I hadn’t dared to even whisper to myself.

Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more. Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox

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