Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
What do I want?
Last week at Rally W, I was focused on finding my WHOLE-HEARTED YES.
This resulted in a surprising (but really only to me?) realization that I have spent a lot of my life turning down my sparkle and muting my glow.
I have done this for [Reasons] that seemed to make sense.
For safety. Or in the misguided desire to be liked, which is also about safety because everything is about safety.
I have hidden so much of me because of these internally whispered fears (don’t be hot because you’ll get even more unwanted attention, don’t be too pretty because girls won’t like you and you won’t have any friends, don’t talk back because it just ends up making things worse, etc etc), and I hereby announce that I plan to Stop This Bullshit at once.
I am ready to SHINE. I am ready to BE SEEN. I am ready to be my full glorious outrageous wild flower of myself.
To be bold and glow.
What else do I know about this?
This scares me.
Which means that it’s important, and I also want to remember that I can tread gently, dance at the edges, approach with tenderness. Safety First. Always.
Abandoning the comfort zone can be pretty violent, I prefer the method of slowly and steadily expanding what feels comfortable until the previously-scary thing and I are cool.
What else do I know about this?
This realization (as well as the fact that I haven’t realized it before) falls straight into the category of what we like to call the Stupid Epiphany.
In other words, an understanding so completely obvious that you’re equally surprised by how mind-blowing it is as by the fact that you’re even surprised, because come on, how could you not have known this forever.
The hallmark of the Stupid Epiphany is that it’s a body understanding instead of just a mental understanding. You might have known it before, but now you know it. You know it inside of you.
This is also why it is hard to explain Stupid Epiphanies to other people, because they say things like, Oh I know, me too, weren’t we just talking about this a couple months ago?
YES. And right now it is blowing my mind in an entirely new way.
What else do I know about this?
This is related to my recent obsession with color. Bright, rich, lush, saturated color.
Deviating from my normal wardrobe colors of black, brown, navy, dark green and maroon. Inexplicably drawn to electric pink and eye-popping teal.
Zeroing in on an outrageous, traffic-stopping color called KAPOW! for my fingernails instead of something like Sweet Rose.
I want to be surrounded by color: wild, sexy, unapologetically luscious color.
For someone who is the quietest person in the room, who prefers the back of the room to the stage, invisibility to being the center of attention, this is interesting.
Because I still prefer those things. I just want to shine and glow and be eye-catching and spectacular. I want to allow myself to be those things, because I am already. I’ve just been tamping them down in my mind.
What else do I know about this?
This is related to my ongoing conversation with Sam on the Whole-Hearted Yes.
Living life according to my yes, trusting my yes. Asking what will get me there.
It means noticing when I default into the bland yes that is really more of a not-no, an acquiescing yes, or a yes that is based on old people-pleasing patterns.
This new way requires trust, courage and persistence. Endless experimentation. Taking notes and collecting data points.
The monsters are convinced that this way lies madness (and danger).
Max was talking the other day about a practice of collecting proud moments.
She named her list Cha Cha Cha!, which I love. Proud is a word that comes with potholes and speed bumps for me so renaming is important. My list is called Kapow!
For me, I’ve been tracking moments of being true to myself, committing to my Whole Hearted Yes. Moments when I say no to things that are not that. Moments when I follow my indicated desire to see where it takes me.
And then I give myself a hundred thousand sparklepoints.
Anything else about this?
I made a compass with the qualities I want from this practice. Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Crown. Trust. Presence. Bask. Source. Truth. Glow. Boldly.
Clockwise: I wear the crown of trusting in presence, I bask in source, my truth glows boldly!
Counterclockwise: I boldly glow truth-source, I bask in presence and trust the crown.
I love this combination of Glow and Boldly.
That’s what I want. That is exactly what I want.
To boldly glow where I have not gone before. To boldly glow where I have not glowed before. And in ways that I have not glowed before.
To boldly glow where I have not.
To be true to myself in a way that is more visible, more palpable, more colorful and more alive. With intensity and panache!
What will help with this?
Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth.
I can take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.
Where do I want to start?
Same as the last wish:
Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Skip stones with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
And, as always, by saying thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: This is what we have been training for, we have been building up to this. All the things you’ve learned over the past few years: to smile at the broken pots, to let the barns burn, to say goodbye to every relationship that isn’t supportive of you, to let go and then let go some more. You did it for this. You got quiet for this. It’s all been for this. And this is going to take you to the next thing. So enjoy it, and let this be a true experiment, without attachment to results. Like with any good experiment, some things you try might backfire spectacularly. That’s a good thing. Bring your glow into these new places, and practice the same things we’re working on in dance: smaller steps, staying grounded and self-contained, trusting your sense of play. The thing Eric says: “Do that same move again but this time burn me with those eyes….”
The superpower of coming into your superpowers.
August is Emerging in the Fluent Self calendar.
The superpower of coming into your superpowers.
If boldly glowing isn’t emerging, I don’t know what is. Also I stand by what I said last week: I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. Let’s do it.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: A Beautiful Stew. Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
X marks the spot.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka An entirely new kind of waiting…
That was a very helpful wish. I am feeling much calmer and steadier about all the in-between in my life. I am enjoying being in the training montage now.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
says the chick pea to the cooking pot:
Yes! Yes!! For this I drank rain in the garden!
Boil me up!
🙂 🙂 🙂
Seconding the flow of smiles. That is great.
Operation If Few Canoe aka Find My Business A Good New Home might be completed! I had been looking and looking and nothing was quite right and I kept having to depend on other people and spend more and then my current property managers said “There is space down the street that just opened up, the rent is less than you pay now and it is getting all gussied up!” Squee! This is a gwish I have gwished for for so long! It doesn’t make me nervous to think about, it makes me exhale and feel free.
And so I will add a gwish about that other thing that I’ve been looking for and feel like will never come to be, that it too will come to be in the perfect-for-me form and that I will recognize it and say “yes, that is what I want” and I will take what is being offered.
I really love this post, Havi. I’m finding lots of inspiration here. Also, YEAH GLOW WILD YES YES YES!!
There is an opportunity that has been whispering *yes yes yes* to me. It scares me a bit, but I think it delights me more. This week, I am asking the Universe to open the doors that will let me go deeper. Meanwhile, I am playing with the power that comes from remembering the keys that I already hold.
So many bright sparks. My monsters have always been convinced that it would be irresponsible to glow as brightly as I know I can glow. Irresponsible, because I am a flame that draws moths – innocent moths who don’t realize that my radiance is fire. Irresponsible, because I know that too much exposure to the sun burns, and I wouldn’t want to do that to the people I love (or even those I don’t).
I have received strong, bright words on this before. I am learning, and you are helping me learn: glowing is a quest, a continuing mission to seek out new life. A glowing core is what powers the ship; glowing is what the TARDIS does – the heart of space and time, vastness and possibility; glowing is regeneration and the light for the darkest of places. I am waiting to know this in my body. I am learning to feel this in my body. I will become a glowing pomegranate, glowing and growing.
So much richness here!
I call those “stupid epiphanies” “duh-ha moments.” Like, I knew it in my head. But in the duh-ha moment, I know, know, know it, in my body, mind, and spirit.
Duh-ha moments! That’s beautiful! 🙂
Clews: figs and fountains
Wants: the right coffee-maker. the right building.
Warm wishes for all y’all’s wishes.
Aaaaaahh, love, you are *so* compelling. And constant. And as I just learned that Rumi (but of course) describes you:
‘A road may end at a single house, But it is not Love’s road. Love is a river. Drink from it.’
And *even though* I might drink from it with another, and believe they are the face of love, and *so* enjoy our time together, if they move away from me, or are carried away, or I am carried away, anyway we are parted (or seem to be), love is constant, still. Oh goodbye beautiful stone, thank you for our time together, I bless you on your way, perhaps we will come back together someday.
So, I am wishing for the eyes to see and the sense to feel the river running all around me and through me and to say yes to *ALL* the faces of love that my life and the river is filled with. To be energised and faithful and faith-full and determined and radiant and a channel for love to flow through, in and out, out and in, like the tides.
And energy, in my body, that would be really helpful, so let me find ways to connect to that, and cultivate it and protect it.
May it be so.
What beautiful wishes!
My wish: to rest until I am better. To notice these flowers springing up around my feet, and not to pick them until I have a vase to put them in.
This post fills me with happiness! Yay for teal and hot pink and glowing and lusciousness! One million sparklepoints! I am glowing appreciation!
P.S. Favorite quote — “Stop This Bullshit at once.” I LOVE this and would like to say it as often as necessary.
Boldy glow, yes! I have updated my reminder phrase to this one.
It’s the perfect supplement to my current quest of lovely curation. And all the other places I currently am. The glow is the sweetness and the light and everything I had lost but have found again.
Last week, I felt the strong sense of Arriving. But I Arrived at the place I started and fractal flowers got me there and I am blooming.
I am blooming and growing! And glowing! (And brooming?)
Of course, last week I realised I had no place to hide and of course hiding was safety and with my glow and new resonance, I had no place to hide?
But what if I don’t need to hide? What if I don’t have to hide? What if it’s okay to glow?
…the monsters had things to say for that one, but I gave them glowing rattly toys I found and they are very pleased.
Havi, I have never felt more strongly that any comment I could make would be inadequate. I often write “I love everything here!” and that is true today as well, but also, Everything here is Treasure for me. Thank you <3
Amazing how you *always* write just what I need to hear (or re-re-re-hear) Havi! [No matter when you actually wrote whatever I’m reading this minute…]
A thousand more sparklepoints 🙂
Wow whoa yes yes yes what a beautiful wish.
Inviting it to inspire me in the right pace for me.
Oh gosh. Yes. So much yes. I think I still need to digest this a little more.
Might be coming back to this post a lot.