Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
What do I want?
Oh you guys. This weeks’s wish is so very loaded for me. I’m not even sure how to talk about it.
I think we’re going to need some secret agent code to keep this safe because the monsters are freaking out so hard right now.
Safety First! That’s how we do things.
There was a scholarship thingy.
Let’s not call it that. Anagrams to the rescue! There was a Splash Choir!
The Splash Choir was going to put on a show on a certain date, and to join the choir you had to show up to a practice before that happened.
Incoming me was very clear that she wanted me to splash in this choir. She reminded me over and over about the practice session. She made me write a reminder on a post-it note and put it above my bed.
She told me splashing with the choir would be a transformative experience. She said the parts that seem scary are worth the growth that this experience offers, and that I can kill it in the practice session because this particular kind of splashing is something I’m really good at.
And then I missed the practice session because I was so in my stuff about this that I couldn’t even bring myself to look online to find out when the date was.
What else do I know about this?
I felt bad about not having listened, since her suggestions are ALWAYS on target and they always pay off, and she laughed and said not to worry about it.
She reminded me that I believe in Nothing Is Wrong, and so does she.
We did some practicing related to forgiveness and presence and Now Is Not Then, and talked to some of the monster crew who were very upset about how I’d Screwed Up My Only Opportunity, even though of course they were the ones behind the paralysis of not being able to take a step towards even admitting I wanted the thing I wanted.
And then there was an announcement that the practice session had been postponed for a few days, and I can still make it to the practice session.
What do I know about what I want?
This is about receiving, and my ability to receive.
Which is pretty fitting, because this is my year of Emerging & Receiving, and these are the things I need to figure out, so of course they are stuck right now.
This is also related to my big current Lioness Self adventure*, which has to do with the thing Incoming Me keeps saying:
It. Doesn’t. Matter. What. They. Think.
What do I know about this so far?
There is so much fear for me tied up in asking for help.
Showing up to splash with the choir means being deeply vulnerable. There’s lots of fear about what people will think about me if I get into the choir, especially if that means they don’t get into the choir, because there is only one opening this year.
Right now small scared me is having a lot of trouble believing that it doesn’t matter what they think.
There is fear about misunderstandings, about having to explain myself or defend myself.
There are painful memories about Operation Resilience, when I really, really, really needed help, desperately.
I asked people for help who were not the right people to ask, and they told me that it was selfish of me to ask. And then I stopped asking, and things got really bad.
There is so much pain, so much fear, so much sadness. And: now is not then. Now is new.
What will help with this?
A new frame. What if I stop thinking of it as a scholarship and think of it as a grant instead? I’m going to do splash choir stuff anyway, and this is a way to do more of it.
A grant. Grants Pass. It’s a passage.
Grants Pass came into my mind because this weekend a completely brilliant and crazy series of events happened, and clues were flying all over the place and I was standing there with my jaw on the floor, and then I picked up a flyer about something happening in Grants Pass, Oregon. It seemed like another clue.
Anyway. A grant is a good frame for me. A splash choir is a good frame for me. Language and play. This will help. Operation Grants Pass it is. Or Grants Splash…
You know what else is good? For me, I mean. Asking for reassurance from friends.
Max asked, “Hey do you think they might have extended the deadline just for you?”
Richard said: “It’s not evil or messed up to say YES to a sweet thing life offers you.”
That is a form of asking I can do, and it is helpful.
Baths are helpful. Naps are helpful. Talking to incoming me is helpful. Finding the good is helpful.
Where do I want to start?
I want to work backwards.
Let’s say there’s a version of me who has already gotten into the Splash Choir and feels amazing about it? What can she tell me?
Let’s reverse-engineer this thing.
I can use the Floop.
I can write a love letter.
I can tell a story. I am good at telling stories. I don’t have to tell the whole story. I can tell bits and pieces of a story. I can dance. I can dance this out. In my safe rooms for her, and safe rooms for my fears.
Where do I want to start?
Interview incoming me to find out what she knows.
Skip stones as often as possible.
Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
Use the compass. Eight breaths: one in each direction.
Pleasure. Presence. Ease. Comfort. Emerge. Receive. Glow. Wild.
Say thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: They changed the deadline for the choir because they didn’t find the splasher they wanted. You are the right splasher for this choir. This choir is the right place for you to splash. If that changes, that’s fine. Right now though, this is your beautiful challenge. The win isn’t getting to be in the choir. The win is showing up and saying “YES I WANT TO SPLASH”. And the biggest win will be the point of not caring what anyone thinks about your splashing, but in the meantime it is still a hugely important win to know that you care and still try.
Of course you have pain around this. It’s your stuff. And. There is treasure in this.
The superpower of coming into your superpowers.
August is Emerging in the Fluent Self calendar.
The superpower of coming into your superpowers.
This is exactly what I need. I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpower of knowing that it doesn’t matter what they think, and the superpower of receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. So let’s do this.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Ohmygod this week has been nothing but one clue after another. Brazil, again, and then again. Anchors everywhere. Last week I tried things on for size and this week the shoes that don’t feel good suddenly feel fine.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka lioness self in the isles of lens…
Well, my lessons are here, and I have my work cut out for me. I know what the missions are. Be okay with receiving. Delight in receiving. And know that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks.
Easier said than done, yes? But I know where to start, and I’m doing the work and things are moving and changing. It was the right wish at the right time.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
What do I want?
There are some very big things that I want right now, and there are also some small things. Right now, I want to focus on a small fractal flower of a thing.
What do I want? I want a floating shelf.
I want a small floating wall shelf where my phone can rest when it is charging. I want to mount it on the wall near the peg where I hang my key ring/wallet thing, so that my wallet and phone can rest together when I’m not using them.
What do I know about this? It’s about treasure. It’s about beauty. It’s about cherishing.
I want this shelf to look and feel special. I want to feel delight whenever I see it.
Maybe one of my partners will help me make one, or make it for me. Maybe someone will give me a gift. Maybe I’ll just happen upon something wonderful. I am open to many possible ways of receiving this. Meanwhile, I will consider, and imagine.
I am glowing love for everyone’s wishes, big and small. I almost said “great and small,” and then I remembered that all wishes are great. <3
Ohhh I have been there and done that with actual choirs. Something very difficult about giving other people the chance to say no to you, rather than saying no to yourself. I wish you the happiest splashiest singing in your splash choir, or in Grants Pass, or wherever it turns out to be.
This month I am working on four and a half things:
– Mermaids At Large
– Parisienne en Ligne
– Silver Ship Strelsau
– P & O
– Another New Opportunity
And this week I wish for all of these to work on themselves. I want to set the compass and lash the tiller and retire to my cabin, and wake up in the morning to find that my ship has sailed herself all night, and I am that much nearer harbour.
And, to vary the watery metaphor slightly, I want to keep my head above the surface. In fact, I want to climb out of the water altogether and be safe and secure on my boat.
I wish trust. I wish rest. I wish courage. I wish love. I wish compassion. I wish ease. I wish understanding. I wish safety.
And I wish for the continuing superpower of logistics-bending.
What beautiful wishes!
@ Kathleen Jowett, “I wish for all of these to work on themselves.” That is an amazing wish. I hadn’t thought of asking for that — but I am going to!
Last week was all about the Anagram Projects. Yay, Trucks! There was progress, especially with Duly Adorn and the Tufted Frog. And Cosmic Hug is completed and it was brilliant!
I am thinking about renaming the Anagram Projects — I want to call them the Anagram Adventures. That sounds more fun and entertaining and playful and energizing, which are all things I want. Especially for the Silver Tag which is coming up on Sunday. I need to be ready for that, including especially the Adventure of the Pink Cab.
I want to Fill the Wells. The well of Hydrated and the well of Rested are the most important to fill, but there are others, especially the well of Prepared.
I told WWW that if all went according to plan, we could Park Our Wits today. Things didn’t go according to plan but I didn’t even see WWW so there’s time to prepare.
Time to prepare for Parking Wits with WWW can be a fractal flower for more progress on the Anagram Adventures, so it all works! Yay!
It all works, and I want it to work on itself while I play and have *fun* adventures this week, before the Silver Tag happens.
Grants pass. I read “Operation Pants Grass”.
Grass in the pants! Grass colored pants!
A splash of pants in the grass! You know, because we are rolling in the grass. Like dogs and like children. 🙂
I love it! Pants grass! Grass rolling in pants! Yay.
? ? ?
That ??? should be <3<3<3.
I starting arranging poems in a sequence that would be fun to read, and honestly, although my knees felt shaky, it was a happy kind of shake. It felt like an extra big cup of excellent coffee, in fact. Yay for starting.
One big wish for this week.
I want to be OK with my body so that my body can be OK with me. Lots of body pain this week, lots of frustration.
I want to whisper Truce, body?
And have it reply, in a delicious shiver, Truce.
Dawnrae: oooooh! That’s a clue for me! I love that. Thank you.
Also, Pants Grass! EXCELLENT.
It’s been a big Week of Letting Go for me this week, and so thank you always for reminding us that Now is not Then, and that Wanting can be hard. It helps.
Also lots of Lioness Self last week, one of which was, that actually what’s really the matter is not What.They.Think. but, in fact, What I Think they Think. So for me I’m having to re-frame this as “What I Think They Think matters no more than any other random thought I might have”!
Sending sparklepoints out to all the wishers xx
Last week I wanted to be able to torment my characters. And then my writing teacher said “do it!” And the cork that had been stopping up that part of my creative mind came out and whoosh, all sorts of ways to torment, temporarily, and make them come out stronger on the other side. Thank you, mind. Thank you, me who asked.
This Week I Want:
Successful resolution to Operation: If Few Canoe. I am open to how that could happen, and with whom.
Rest, writing, movement, lying on the grass looking up at the sky, and all loveliness.
What do I want?
A sabbatical. Ten weeks. At the start of next year.
I will have money – energy that I invested in a relationship and a life for so many years, coming back to me in dollar form. Everything that’s mine comes back to me.
I can find people to take care of my kids. And pay them. I have a couple in mind, and I have a second choice back up that is a pretty sure thing although I suspect there would be pushback to deal with as well.
I trust that my kids will be okay. That ten weeks is not long in the course of a lifetime. That this will be an investment in my health, sanity, clarity, wellbeing, my capacity to parent them well into the future.
I am resenting the neverendingness of parenting that arises when I pretend I don’t have a choice about being here. When I pretend that I don’t want what I want. I trust that what I want is coming from a place of light and wisdom. I trust that the energy I have invested in them already over these eight years is sufficient, that they are grounded and ready for this as much as I am. I trust my path, my call.
I am clear enough of the social bullshit that dictates the shape of our families, that limits the ways we spend our time, that calls natural urges and heart-callings ‘selfish’ because it doesn’t involve self sacrifice, that decrees that only self sacrifice is sacred, especially when you’re a woman, even moreso a mother. I see the bullshit.
I see the pushback coming and I know it will be coming from fear, and from the sort of love that wants me to be safe above all things, and from the discomfort of being challenged. None of which is my job to protect people from, as much as they might wish me to.
My job is to show up, and show up again, to what is true, to what I want, to what I see and hear calling me. To set things up so I can follow the dictates of my heart, to make the space for my unfolding to happen within.
That’s what I want. May it be so.
What an exhilarating wish! May it be so. What treasure to model for kids. Wow. Inspiring.
The clew I am borrowing from here:
it’s important that I care.
It’s not important than anyone else cares.