very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

What do I want?

I have magic purple pills.

This isn’t a wish. I have them.

Even though, okay, yeah, this is kind of a proxy.

I have these purple pills, and they basically make everything better.

Even when they don’t make things remarkably better (though they often do), at the very least things are slightly better. Like, worst case scenario, I’m more relaxed and less stressed out and more able to notice things going on in my body.

And for some reason, I’m not entirely clear why, I don’t take them. Okay, they aren’t really like pills. More like a lozenge? Or a spray?

But the purple seems important, I’m not sure why.

What do I know about this so far?

I have these purple somethings. They are purple. I put one in my mouth and it makes everything better. Seriously, they are amazing.

And: I don’t use them.

Is that true? What’s also true?

I save them for emergencies. Even though actually they are more effective when you take them regularly.

They don’t cost anything. I perceive them as coming with a cost, because I have to stop what I’m doing to take them. Except that pause is always beneficial, it’s the best kind of red light.

What else do I know about what I want?

I wish I could remember how great the purple capsules are. I want to reach for them automatically.

I want to go, ohhhhhh take a purple!

And I want to do this well before it is needed.

Come home and take a purple. Get to the Playground, have a purple. Like that.

What have I tried?

I have a little purple room, not really a room, more like an alcove. It’s designated space to go and have a purple moment, take a purple, get back to that sweet purple feeling I like so much…

Sometimes I use it. A lot of times though I just look at it.

What haven’t I tried yet?

Hmm. If these were actual pills, I’d probably put notes around the house. I’d definitely enlist Richard to help me remember.

I might have reminder bells on my phone.

Actually, I do have reminder bells but they go off at times when I am out and about, and I need a few minutes of alone time to do the purple thing.

This is interesting. God I love proxies.

If I treated this like they were actual pills….

Now we are getting somewhere.

This could actually work like with the iron that I kept forgetting to take, until Nick decided I was a dragon who needed to crunch knights, and now I have a knight who sits on the counter and reminds me to keep my strength up.

What is this really about?

Okay, so the purple capsules are secret agent code for conducting, which is itself secret agent code for getting down on the floor and closing my eyes and feeling the ground.

But that’s not what this is really about.

It’s really about my worry about coming back from the Vicarage and not being able to take Vicarage with me.

It’s wanting to make sure that I have a doorway into Wonderfully Peaceful, a doorway into moments of thank you.

It is a continuation of the past weeks of wishing, an attempt to build in ritual that supports the wishes.

Anything else about this?

Purple is not a color I usually gravitate to, and so I’m not sure why these pills are purple, and yet I know they are.

Purple, in the yoga world, is associated with the seventh chakra, connection.

And in the outside world, it’s associated with royalty: sovereignty.

Connection and sovereignty. I can work with that.

What else do I know about this?

I like the idea of having a playful challenge. Making it a game until it becomes more automatic.

This is a good way to re-enter, and it is a good way to practice treasuring myself, which I’m pretty sure will be the theme of Rally (Rally!) this week as it is Rally T, and T is for Treasure, among other things.

Also the purple pills seem to be strongest at Rally, so it will be useful to explore that more in depth.

Where do I want to start?

Choosing this as a conscious experiment. A working hypothesis that I can mess around with as needed. And trusting that whatever I get will be useful.

And using the compass to help:

Peacefulness. Safety. Ease. Shelter. Freedom. Release. Glow. Wild.

Does this relate to Tranquility?

July-2014Tranquility July is the month of Tranquility in the Fluent Self calendar.

Superpower of remembering that Now Is Not Then.

Tranquility is exactly what is needed here. And since the purple pills are basically tranquility pills, nothing more is needed. Just to remember. This moment is new.

The salve has an anchor on it, and the practice of [being purple] will anchor me.

Talking to Incoming Me about…

Me: I am so afraid that I will forget what it is like to be at the Vicarage. It’s happened before, sort of, not really.
Slightly wiser me: Oh my love. You are safe. And: the last time you vicaraged was nearly a year ago. You are an entirely new person, and this experience was its own world.
Me: What if I lose it?
Slightly wiser me: It lives inside of you. There is a blueprint in each of your cells. And now you have this new experiment to see what happens when you regularly do things to support the purple, when you take your purple supplements. Each time you do it, you’re experiencing the qualities of the Vicarage.

Anything else? Starting points?

Find things that elicit thank-yous. Skip stones as often as possible. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Operation Sip Hint Learn. It’s all about red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.

What else do I want?

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • Hawaii. Hawaii is not in Hawaii. It’s the Vicarage!
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
  • Ops: Ease-filled transitions.



Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka thank you, last-year me…

I wanted to say thank you, way more than I do, and I didn’t really know how, or I thought I didn’t know how, but it turns out I do.

It’s about remembering that I can take the purple pills. The purple brings me to the thank you. The more I fill up on purple, the more present and appreciative I am. So the wish brought me to the next wish, thank you.

Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.

Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.


The Fluent Self