very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

What do I want?

Whenever I talk to Eve Wild (Incoming Me), she tells me about her twin superpowers: Wildly Confident and Wonderfully Peaceful.

I have been working with the first one because it scares me more, now is the time for the second.

Or, really, now is the time to understand more deeply how they are connected.

What do I know about this wish so far?

I have run away to the Vicarage, the only place where I consistently am able to access this feeling of Wonderfully Peaceful, so that I can study it.

The Vicarage is also the only place where I allow myself to do hours of yoga, in any form that I want, even if it’s hugging my knees and rolling on the floor, for — yes — hours.

No wonder I feel wonderfully peaceful at the Vicarage. I also feel wonderfully peaceful because it includes all the elements that make a Havi Bell a happy bell:

Quiet. Water. Spaciousness. No responsibilities other than caring for myself.

So of course I am here to learn how to bring this back with me into daily life.

What else do I know about what I want?

Usually I wait until I am very much not in a state of peacefulness to retreat to the Vicarage.

Well, that’s what happened this time as well except this time I planned it right before the crash instead of planning it during the crash. Pre-emptive peacefulness!

I have many monsters about this, from all sides.

Both from the “how dare you take time to yourself when everyone needs you” angle, as well as the other side: “good grief, if you can’t even figure out how to take care of yourself, to the point that figuring out you need a break five seconds before you fall apart is a win, that’s just embarrassing.”

They mean well. And also they’re feeling a little scared about what might happen if I get peaceful as a regular thing. They’re worried I will lose my passion. Nope, not going to happen. That’s why Wildly Confident comes hand and hand with the Wonderfully Peaceful.

So we’re talking about that. Making some safe rooms.

What else do I know?

This wish is connected, intimately connected, with all the previous wishes.

I have made wishes about emptying, about letting go, about closing the doors, about release, about clarity and getting clear, being willing to see what is, one thing at a time, eliminating as part of illuminating.

And here I am, literally in the place where I go when I am empty. I am sitting with the void (it’s a hot date with the void), and I am letting go. Filling up on peacefulness, letting go of things that do not contribute to peacefulness.

Past-me set up everything beautifully so that I could learn this, now.

Anything else?

It’s funny. The monsters are right about one thing. I have every reason not to be feeling wonderfully peaceful.

There’s work stuff and family stuff and heartache stuff and a whole assortment of stuff-stuff, a giant monster-number of things to feel feelings about. Worry, pain, hurt, sadness, all the feelings.

Except all of these are actually reasons to do more exploring of Wonderfully Peaceful, to spend more time figuring out how this works, what it feels like, what I already know about it that I don’t know that I know.

And it is time to ask an old question again: What is more astonishing?

Where do I want to start?

Doing wonderfully peaceful things.

Sleeping. Trusting my instinct. Going for long meandering walks. Listening to the kiwi.

Getting back to the qualities.

And the compass. I love this compass:

Peacefulness. Safety. Ease. Shelter. Freedom. Release. Glow. Wild.

How does this relate to Releasing?

June-2014-Release That’s the superpower in the Fluent Self calendar, June is the month of Releasing.

All Past Pain Is Transformed Into Jewels.

Letting go is how I get wonderfully peaceful. Wonderfully peaceful is how I let go.

Either way, they support each other. Maybe wonderfully peaceful is one of the incoming jewels of past pain. That sounds crazy enough that it’s worth investigating.

Talking to Incoming Me about this…

Me: I don’t know anything about wonderfully peaceful, I am the wrong person to be exploring this.
Slightly wiser me: Remember the trees?
Me: Oh, right. I am exactly the right person to be exploring this. I have been on this voyage for decades.
Slightly wiser me: Nothing is wrong. This moment is right. Treasure yourself. I am here for you. There is nothing wrong with falling apart when you need to fall apart. It is not in opposition to wonderfully peaceful, it is part of the process of getting to wonderfully peaceful.

Anything else? Starting points?

Keep connecting to Incoming me. Skip stones as often as possible. Writing and Righting. The sweetest ship. Dance. Intensity. Unapologetically red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.

And, of course, remembering the Vicarage compass: Vitality. Internal. Compass. Aligning. Resetting. Access. Glowing. Energy.

What else do I want?

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • Hawaii. Possibly Hawaii is not in Hawaii. It’s the Vicarage.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
  • Ops: Sip Hint Learn.


“A truly great library contains something in it to offend everyone.” — Jo Godwin.

Thank you, Agent Prairie Blue!

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka covert *and* witchy…

Silent retreat on most of it, other than that yes, this was the exact right wish and the exact right approach. Oh, and guess what? I figured out what Hawaii is a STAND IN for in my wish, and I found my way to the place that is like Hawaii for me.

Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.

Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.


The Fluent Self