Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
What do I want?
At the last Rally (Rally!) I was having lunch with Agent Em Dee, and we were talking about avoidance makes avoidance stronger.
How it becomes extra-scary to open the folder/file/document/email/whatever, because your monsters convince you subconsciously that there are extra iguanas that you’ve forgotten about. So you think if you open it, everything will be even more horrible than you think it will.
We were talking about how this avoidance is normal and understandable. And how great it would be to have a love note on top of the folder/document/whatever telling you the tiny not-at-all-scary next step you can take.
And then she said something like, “So I need to get in the habit of leaving a love note for myself every time I pause, transition, stop for the evening.”
YES! That way if life happens and I don’t get to it for another couple weeks, I don’t have to go through all my trepidation patterns where I do most of my work processing fear in order to look at it.
So I could do this right now. Normally I never like to look at all my ops at once, since it is completely overwhelming, but if all I’m doing is setting up a library of love letters….
God, I love that concept. A library of love letters.
What do I know so far?
I have more ops than I want. EIGHTEEN. Which is a lovely number but about ten more than I want.
Operation Slightly Sexy Waltz
Operation Gonna Gotta
Mission: An Incoming Of Agents
Operation De Twah!
Mission: Righting It Down
Operation Rally Reunion
Operation Alphabet Soup
Mission of Chickens & Wishings
Mission: the Book of Xs and Ys
Operation Cape Egrets (anagram for Secret Page)
Operation Ocean Cab Rides (dance aerobics at the Ballroom)
Mission: Entry To The Ball (everything I do for entry when it comes to dance)
Operation Writing Nook (designated time for what I want to write about)
Mission: The Joyful Voyage of the Internal Ship
Mission: The Case Ends (solving the dance shoe mysteries!)
Operation Liberation Sail: The Switchery
Operation Liberation Sail II: The Playground is Four Years Old
Operation [Crown Bridge]
What else am I noticing?
Hmmm, I am also noticing that some of these ops are making room for having fewer ops. For example, once Cape Egrets is in play, I won’t have to do ops like Slightly Sexy Waltz, because everything will just go through Cape Egrets.
Or once The Case Ends is complete, Entry To The Ball will be way easier.
So this is reassuring: I’m on a path towards fewer ops and missions. And having tiny love letters makes it less terrifying to interact with them.
What will help?
Deciding a place to keep the master list and the love letters, so I can see what needs my attention.
And using secret agent code, especially CWUs, and code for CWUs.
CWU is a Barbara Sher concept (I think I got it from Barbara?) that stands for Complete Willingness Unit. As in, only doing the teeniest-tiniest step that doesn’t make you want to throw up.
For example, I might not be willing to write a paragraph because gaaaaaah stuck, but I might be willing to open a notebook. Or I might be willing to ask a friend to sit with me.
Teeny-tiny things. I love the concept, the name doesn’t do anything for me. So I come up with other things CWU could stand for.
And then I say things like, “I have three different Californian Whimsical Undergarments!” Or: “Okay, Havi, your Congruent Westward Uniform is as follows…”
Or: Your only Corinthian Wonder of Unity for now is talking to Incoming You.
What else do I know about this?
I really like writing love letters. And I like knowing what to do next.
What do I want?
The quality of this month is Delight, and love letters are definitely a form for delight and delighting-in.
Also the Corinthian Wonders of Unity, et al are a way to play with delight.
This month brings the glorious superpower of “Or Maybe Something Even Better Will Happen”, and I would like this new practice of notes and love letters to do that. Yes, please.
I would like to delight in working on and playing with my projects, even the ones I’m avoiding. I would like to remember why they came into my life, and that they are treasure. And if it is time to let one go, may I let it go with love.
What else do I know about my wish?
It is related to last week’s wish about Provisioning: taking care of slightly-future-me, by filling her life with sweetness. It is the natural progression of all this work I have been doing on the theme of “what would happen if I were able to treasure myself?”
Anything else? Starting points?
Keep connecting to Incoming me. Skip stones as often as possible. Writing and Righting. Xs and Ys. Dance. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
My compass for these wishes:
Pleasure. Listening. Ease. Play. Freedom. Trust. Delight. Treasure.
Are you in or near Portland? Do you know people in or near Portland?
Uwe and Colleen, two of the most amazing dance teachers I know, will be teaching a two hour workshop at my ballroom on Saturday, May 31, from 2-4pm. They never do intro workshops, and this is an amazing opportunity.
It’s social waltz which does not sound like a sexy dance, but actually it is one of the best ways ever to learn partnering and connection, which is what makes you a really good dancer.
Plus, Portland has a huge social waltz community (it’s the nicest and most welcoming of any dance community I’ve ever encountered), which means that once you’ve done this, there’s something fun you could go to every night of the week and feel at home there.
If you don’t have dance experience, this is a great way to learn. And if you do, this will make you a way better dancer at all dances. And if you are interested in teaching (dance or anything else), come just to watch how they magically make this practice accessible. They are probably the best explainers I’ve ever met.
Please help me spread the word! I want as many people as possible to benefit from their teaching, and filling the ballroom with dance is my big dream.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii. What if Hawaii is not in Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s ops: Going In. And: More recovery.
Inverting the colors.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Provisioning…
I was not expecting that shifting my focus to being able to treasure myself would lead to ending a pain-filled relationship, but it did. I didn’t know that would happen, and yet I put FREEDOM in the compass, at the anchor point (south), and so I got what I wanted even though I would have thought it was not what I wanted. I don’t know if that makes sense.
The point is, I am better able to treasure myself now than I was a week ago, and part of that means I can’t be around patterns/behavior that I was able to excuse away in the past. So it’s hard and it’s good.
I was also able to set up Operation Detwah and Operation Crown Bridge II, and even invested in some supplies that will help me-of-two-weeks-from-now have an easier time of things. Fewer monster discussions required for provisioning, that’s big progress too. I am happy with last week’s wish, and with these new paths, even the hard ones. I am trusting that all of this is right, both for me and for everyone involved, and I will continue to glow love inward and outward and in all directions.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Cavorting With Unicorns #justoneguy
YES! The concept of CWUs might actually turn out to double as the world’s best fake band generator.
Havi, what’s the difference between an operation and a mission, for you?
I am noticing that I think I have (and I’m rounding, because GAH GAH) 8,325 ops.
But that might wrong…
Maybe I can think in terms of big missions, little ops. Hmmmm….
I have thought about this a lot, and it keeps changing! For me, right now, missions are ongoing, and ops support the missions or are one time things. I also have ops that take place over the course of a month, or however long they take.
Also my monsters said I had MINIMUM two hundred ops in progress, and they were very surprised that eighteen were all I could come up with. <3
That’s a reassuring answer – thank you! Visiting reality now…
What do I want? A place that will be a home, my home, until such time as I build my home.
A place I can make mine and make my home until I literally make myself a home.
Elements of this include extreme convenience for work and play, location-wise and price-wise.
Light – top-floor, south-facing, big views, bright and light.
Warmth – gas heating, double glazing, because it’s Scotland, and we do Weather.
Safety. Both in the home, and in the getting-in-the-home.
Also lovely would be some autonomy in layout, decor, etc.
For maximum yum – a balcony or high-up outside space – a sactuary of green.
What I know so far is that places like this probably exist, and that I have been putting off looking.
I’m worried that I’ll see a place and I won’t be able to grab it because no deposit till payday.
I am noticing that this desire for my own space has been here for a while, but suddenly got very pressing.
And I am aware that I am putting off a lot of things until I am Home.
What will help is looking at the hundred places you could advertise such a home. Which I have been avoiding because of iguanas.
And giving myself permission to indulge myself in being as fussy as I like. Because this is going to be My Home.
What else do I know? That I will be OK. That I am not going to be homeless.
That Serendipity is my friend, and is on best form when hanging out with Putting Myself Out There.
That clarifying what I want and putting it out there is a fractal flower that helps everything.
Thank you, Havi x
May it be so! I love everything about this wish. Also I have been to Scotland and you certainly do do Weather. Also I think the phrase “for maximum yum” should be a part of every wish, it seems to be related to the superpower of “or maybe something even better!”…
I am finding myself increasingly in my stuff concerning my wishes lately, to the extent that it’s hard to put them into words. And guess what? I don’t have to! Into the pot, then:
And of course, the qualities: Abundance. Clarity. Ease. Freedom. Love. Creativity. Wit. Wisdom.
Also, gratitude. So much gratitude for this space, and for each of you, always. Thank you.
Yay wish symbols! GENIUS.
My monsters do not like wishing day. They like check-in day because they can evaluate and judge and make check marks. Wishing day feels frivolous and why-botherish to them. Which makes it all the more important to wish.
And I wish for continued happy deposit slips. The right space and the right money stuff for the new space and the old space. A trip to Kripalu in August on the weekend of the Jason Isbell concert that I easy afford and enjoy (ha, take that specific-wish-fearing monsters!) And love. Big fat inconvenient love.
i just had an awesome bath and felt drawn here to share it. i think there is probably a wish in there s/where. so, into yonder pot it goes. xo
Planting gwishes here in the fertile soil of desire and watering them words.
-Relief, Release, and other things that begin with R
-To be able to learn Excel with ease, and pass the secretarial test
-As much quiet, unobserved time as possible
-Easy slide out of the school year
-Finding the delights on the treasure hunt
Wishes for this week:
For what is mine to return to me. Specifically the bifocals I lost, the missing books, the spiral notebook… and other things that are not where I have been looking. (I’m encouraged to ask by the fact that one of the things I couldn’t find recently was suddenly *there*).
A firm force field as I go to meetings tonight where people may get into their stuff and unfocused energy may be flying around the room…
And even more for Sunday when (if?) we go to a family thing.
I’ll support the work by liberally using the Salve of Letting Go of What Isn’t Mine…
Also, echoing the title of the most recent post, MMMMMM. I wish for things to make me feel all MMMMM.
I wish for a good visit with my mother, whom I have not seen for months! I talked to her on Sunday and that was nice but it isn’t the same!
Upon reading your wishes, I drew a heart on a sticky note, then put a kiss inside and surrounded it with a hug and slapped it on my Blue Folder of Stuff That Must Be Paid. And drew that symbol on those Items on my Lark and Spree list that needed to have it. And made a color version to print on big paper to put on the Iguanas at home.
The Two big wants that I have not been ready to release, because they are tiny baby things as well as big wants:
To popularize the word ‘peeful’ as in “I’m peeful.” replacing “I have to go to the bathroom.” By which time, there could be A Problem. As far as I know, I created it, but it’s free for all to use. Maybe I should have waited until Rally P.
To promote the Dvorak, or American Simplified, keyboard on which the most commonly used vowels in English are on the left hand home row and the most commonly used consonants are on the right home row. Mr. August Dvorak, no relation to the composer, analyzed film of typists in the 1930’s to arrange the keys so that the stronger fingers do more than the weak fingers. It is more efficient and faster than the standard, or QWERTY, keyboard which was developed in the 1880’s or 90’s so that the typist would not jam the mechanism when the letters hit the ribbon. I get no money from this either.
Qualities: Release, Generosity, Informative, Silliness
A job for The Dude. Qualities: Security, Sufficiency, Requirements
The Wanted this week:
Continuing to Name the Feeling and recognize it by saying “Hello, Name of Feeling. I felt/am feeling you.” Writing it down. Naming and recognizing the feeling faster.
Also, faster recognition of Not Mine, so I can deflect it with my force field boundaries instead of glomming onto it and letting it bother me for a while first.
Qualities: Trust, Boundaries, Protection
The right stuff for May. Qualities: Curiosity, Fun, Ease
Wants for Rally X:
A Place to Stay. Will share with another female. It feels like time to ask. Quality: Shelter
Wants for the Quest:
To be valuable, or provide value in retirement.
To feel as suited to retirement as I am to working…if not more so.
Last Ad: Restful space happened between the Food and Housecleaning Busyness for the Something Less than Pleasant on Saturday.
Not Carrying definitely worked! It worked so well, I napped during the Something Less than Pleasant, and none of the Bad Stuff happened.
The mouth problems are not happening right now. Besides doing the Things That Help that I listed, I identified bad posture as a possible cause.
I am peeful! This is SO good. Also it sounds like peaceful which is less stressful (to me) than running to the bathroom.
Ohhh. The Cockatrices & Wyverns Union is negotiating on my behalf.
The You Fail Forever At Life monster says: Unpack everything! Now!
I say: waaaaah!
The CWU says: These demands are unreasonable and our members will not accept them. One box of books, and only provided that there is a bookcase available.
(In real life the CWU is the Communications Workers Union, so the cockatrices and wyverns are wearing navy-blue peaked caps and carrying mailbags.)