very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write a Very Personal Ad (aka Vision-Possibility-Anticipation) to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. Sometimes wanting feels conflicted or just plain hard, and that’s okay.

At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.

What do I want?

Dropping G is code for letting go of two things that start with G.

Letting go of? Not consuming them, not having them.

Or maybe they are like plants that I do not water.

Or maybe they are like songs Pandora offers me that I choose to thumb down or skip, so that the genome (a G that I like) can say, “Oh, okay, Havi is choosing away from G and towards what she wants. Not-G. Got it.”

What do I want?

I am noticing how much I need to do this in code, even though lots of people drop the first kind of G all the time and it isn’t a big deal, at least not in Portland.

The conventional words for “giving up G” get on my nerves.

I want my own thing, something new, no associations. And I don’t want to be lumped in with the world of people who don’t G. Wow, that has some big stuff in it, I will explore that. For now, I am just going to reassure the fear:

This is a conscious experiment, not a Lifestyle Choice. I’m not in their gang.

Okay, noticing again how important it is to me to not be in their gang. This is the thread to follow in this investigation for sure. This should be interesting.

What do I want?

I am noticing how wonderfully appealing the double-meaning is for me. I am dropping G, sure, but I am also dropping that other G.

Plus it kind of sounds like I’m this wild girl, doing a drug you haven’t heard of yet. Dropping G.

Or that I drop my Gs. I can pretend I am a country singer.

It is very a playful code phrase. I like it.

What do I want?

Well, in terms of the first G:

I go back and forth between thinking this is going to be super easy and just ridiculously hard. So I guess I have to find out.

What I would like to do is just notice:

Where is G hiding in places I don’t expect it? Am I craving G, and what do I do when this happens? What are my new comforts, now that I’m dropping G? What happens or changes inside my kingdom without this G.

Hahaha, I just realized that all these questions will completely work for the second kind of G as well, even though the first G exists on the physical plane and the second G on the emotional one.

What do I want?

I want to this to be easier than I expect it is going to be.

Is that what I want?

Hmm. Or maybe what I want is to have the strength and curiosity to interact with however it is, easy or not.

I want to take lots of notes. I want to learn.

I want to be able to say, wow that was an incredibly useful experiment. Regardless of whether I choose to maintain it, or how long I play with it, or what the results are.

What do I want?


So funny that this is the month of Strength — and seeing the strengths I already have.

What if I am strong enough to drop G?

What if I already know how to drop G?

What if I have been training for this my entire life?

In terms of the first G, I have already dropped S and C and M and another C, and all of those things made my life infinitely better and are not hard on me at all. So who knows. Maybe G can be relatively easy.

In terms of the second G, I have already been working on a life without W. Monsters wish to add that this totally isn’t working and I am W-ing all the time. Except what’s also true is that I am so much more cognizant of my W, and my relationship with W is different than it was before. So the experiment is still effective.

I want to see the strengths I already have.

There is nothing intimidating about dropping G. This is an experiment I can handle.

What do I want?


I would like to really be able to notice the small and large fluctuations and changes in every aspect of my life, as I experiment with dropping G.

I would like to detach from a specific end goal. Instead of trying to use dropping G to achieve X, I would like to observe what happens when I drop G. Does it help with X? Does it do other things? How do I feel?

What do I want?

Companionship, my big theme of the year.

Amazingly, Agents Mueller, White and Em Dee are all onboard with this experiment. Not that I thought they would give me too much shit about it, just that I thought they might be doubtful. They’re so supportive! What a lovely feeling.

So I can talk to them.

Agent Groove already drops the first kind of G, so maybe we can go on a spy date to Tula or something, and I can ask her questions.

And of course, I can process this like crazy at the Floop.

Anything else coming up? Where do I want to start?

I want to start with writing and skipping stones. Going inward.

Slightly future me says: Dropping G (the second kind) will help you not take on the sadness of the world. It will help with PTSD. And dropping the first kind will change how you communicate with your body. This is a fantastic investigation to be investigating, no matter what comes out of it.

What are the qualities of my wish?

Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Harmony. Grounding. Wellness (Wells!). Glowing. Emerging.


In Rainier: a place called Bell Studios, right by the tavern we stopped in.

A studio for being a bell! Dropping G is basically a studio for being a bell! This is both the best proxy ever, and it is also what I want. I want to drop G so that I can be better at reverberating, so that I can be my best bell.

Clue from the graveyard: roses on the gravestone. Not like, flowers ON it. Roses that were engraved into it. A different way of putting flowers on something.

And last week’s clue that what I thought was an impasse is actually a riddle: still working for me.

What else do I want?

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…

  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I go out dancing at the ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • Hawaii.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
  • This week’s ops: more progress on Saying Everything Twice (Saying Everything Twice!), and writing about whatever I want.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka it has to do with entering and strength…

This is hilarious, because I did enter and I did learn about strength. And now I know about Dropping G, which is the continuation of the mission. It is the next indicated step. Everything I set up for this worked.

Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. #9825;

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.

Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.


The Fluent Self