very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write a Very Personal Ad (aka Vision-Possibility-Anticipation) to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. Sometimes wanting feels conflicted or just plain hard, and that’s okay.

At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.

What do I want?

My very personal ads this week are on the tip of my tongue, if there was a phrase for that which involved the heart. It is as if my heart is about to let me discover them.

I have been skipping some stones to learn more about them, and everything feels tingly-funny, like when you know something is around the corner and you sort of don’t want to peek even though you also really want to peek.

What do I want? What do I know about what I want?

I am thinking about A) what I want to be doing this year, and B) what I can offer this year in a way that I can handle and that is not exhausting.

And what the intersection of A and B might be.

One thing that has helped is a google doc where I just listed all the possible things I could do, and noticed which ones sparked sparks.

Another thing that has helped is conducting (reclining on the floor and closing my eyes), and then visiting the document. That gave me some pretty clear information about which items are definitely a NOT NOW, HONEY or MAYBE NOT IN THIS FORM….

I conducted Harmoniousness, and then I conducted Emergence, and now I know some things I did not know before, so that was useful.

What do I want?

I have an idea for what I want, and it doesn’t have a name yet.

Well, it has a sort-of name, and it has a feeling.

I want to find out more about this idea, if it is viable, how it would work.

And I think I want people to play with while I figure it out.

So I could do that with Agent A, with Agent Em Dee, with the Shellbacks….

What else do I know about what I want?

It involves dancing. Dancing and writing and yoga.

Mainly it involves letting what I love and crave fuel what I do.

What else do I know about this?

The other big thing that came up for me is something I have to explain in a dance analogy….

Okay, so one of the things I have learned from the world of dance is that the more advanced someone is, the more time they spend on the absolute basics, returning to basics, relearning basics, polishing the basics.

I am fortunate to live in a city with an amazing dance scene. Many of my instructors have won multiple national competitions at very high levels, some are well known and highly regarded teachers.

One of them told me that whenever she gets the chance to get a private lesson with a top-level world-renowned teacher, she preps by spending hours and hours reviewing the basics.

And then the lesson itself is 95% basics. In a way, she gets the same lesson that a total beginner would get, just at a much higher level of … well, of everything.

This is something I am enormously excited about, both as a principle and in terms of how I want to teach this year.

Basics. Polishing basics. With intention, pleasure, dedication, warmth, presence, passion.

What else do I know about this?

I don’t want to be at the front of the room, literally or figuratively.

If I have learned anything over the past few years, it’s this:

The second someone is at the front of the room, everyone else in the room kind of lets their crowns drop. We let ourselves think that the person at the front somehow might know more about what we need than we do.

One of the best things about Rally (Rally!) is that I’m not the one who makes Rally amazing. I don’t lead Rally. I play at Rally. No one can pretend that I’m the one with the answers. We all have to find our own answers.

I provide concepts and culture. I am not in charge.

So something about that.

What would help me move forward on this?

I am going to talk this over with the shellbacks and with some Agents.

I am going to find out if there are any parts of me (sad, scared Havis or maybe some monsters) who don’t want me to get clarity on this, find out what they need, and how I can support their mission of Safety For Havi.

And I am going to dance on it and let this project/wish be a fractal flower, so that anything I do is helping under the surface.

What are the qualities of my wish?

Huh, exactly the same qualities as last week:

Permission. Playfulness. Readiness. Joy. Desire. Passion. Receptivity. Immersion.

How am I going to play with this?

I am going to keep conducting.

There will be costumes. There will be dancing.

Anything else?

I don’t need to know the next steps. I just have to keep asking questions and learning more about what I need. My commitment is to taking care of myself.

What else do I want?

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…

  • The Salve of Salves.
  • The Compass of Signs.
  • May Peacefulness Prevail!
  • Announcements.
  • Everything is getting easier.
  • Miracles everywhere.
  • Regular dancing gigs at the ballroom, which is also the Spiegelsaal.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
  • Past me is a GENIUS.
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
  • There is money for this.
  • I can see why this moment is good.
  • Trust and steadiness.
  • Hawaii.
  • I am fearless and confident, and I do the brave things and give myself sparklepoints, and it is not even a big deal that I did the brave things but I still get sparklepoints, yay.

This week’s ops?

I think this week is about Rally Recovery, and figuring out more about this wish. Internal ops.

I’m playing with…

DANCING. Transitions. Permission. Practicing.

Attenzione! AGENTS.

I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at Gracefully Accepting Thanks. Or: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow.

This mission also resolves a question we get from people a lot, which is “I really, really want to thank you, except I’m not going to buy products and I can’t come to a Rally.” And it is also related to Operation Coming Out Of All The Closets, so I can share some experiences from Then where past-me thought her best survival strategy was not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.

If you would like to support my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)

And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. It all counts. ♡

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka Not Obsessed Exactly…

I wanted to throw myself into this obsession-like thing, with pleasure and joy. And that happened.

There might have been less dancing, actually. Because American Thanksgiving kind of threw things for a loop, and I didn’t get to dance for four days.

Except I felt like a dancer. I approached things in dancer mode. I was in it even when I wasn’t in it, and I am feeling good about my wish.

I really enjoyed Rally (Rally!), and that was a great place to work on figuring out a better schedule for dancing, as part of my Rally project.

The smartest thing I seeded last week was “I can see why this moment is good.” I could. And that was so sweet.

Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Keep me company?

You are welcome to drop in with wishes, gwishes, visions, personal ads. Small or large, and in any form you like. There is no right way to do this. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We ask for what we need. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.

Let’s throw some things in the pot! And, as always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.


The Fluent Self