very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 333rd consecutive week of wishing, come play!


this week’s wish is a bit surreal, even for me, so let’s invoke trust (may everything that needs to be revealed be revealed in good timing), as we let the word-magic of wish time do its thing….

Liberation story:

I am a panther
recently liberated (or self-liberated, possibly) from a zoo
it was a very spacious comfortable zoo, I wasn’t mistreated,
I just wasn’t free
now I am free and I don’t entirely know how this works

that is to say:
how am I (who am I) when I am free
how do I remember my way back into my essential panther nature
how do I reclaim my true freedom beyond just being outside of the gates

all good things are wild and free

Thoreau said this
but what does it mean to be wild and free
if Thoreau was right…
what is the good thing that is me

I made my way to the wise woman of the mountain
she wasn’t there
(I suspect this was intentional)
she left me a note in panther markings:

I cannot give you the answers you are looking for
only clues
here they are:
fall in love with oxygen
glow from within

what do I know about this
as a panther
what wisdom, what ancestral knowledge lives in my cells
waiting to be reclaimed

1) fall in love with oxygen, what does this mean?

breathe deep and free, inhale like it is your passion,
breathe your way into lost scent and lost wildness,
become intimately familiar with the passage of life energy
through you

take oxygen like it is your playmate,
your lover,
your new and only drug,
feel your pulsing life force
be breathed
treasure and pleasure in these breaths, each one glowing you alive
breathe like you have nothing better or more enjoyable to do
than pulse with life
because that is the way

2) glow from within, what does this mean?

be lit up
and let every movement come from sparking
understand movement that ignites and is ignited
again, feel-and-be the pulsing life force
the rhythm that pulls you in

glow first, then allow
let the feeling of deliberate desire lead to deliberate deliverance
as wanting to move leads to that first movement beginning
leads to movement expanding leads to movement finishing
and evolving into the next movement

(you have to wait for it)

allowing each movement to reach its natural fullness, its expansiveness

trust this

trust your glow
trust your spark
trust oxygen to do what it needs to do
to soothe and to steady, to fill and to ignite

freedom is actually saying (yes) to life

and to do that you have to fall in love with breath
say yes with your breath
and glow-spark glow-spark glow-spark glow
(kick push coast)
do you remember?

in pursuit of freedom
here we go

how do I panther, how am I free, what do I know about this

free is living yes unhesitatingly (120%)
taking up space unapologetically
glowing harder
full trust
an impeccable awareness of {self} and {space}
both internal and external:
how much energy you have in a given moment
how much desire you feel towards or away from
positive or negative connection
a reconfiguring of your atomic field
positive/negative charged ions

a panther lives in this shifting field
a panther moves through shifting fields as a
shifting field
of positive/negative charged ions
a force field of glowing
sparks of light

be unhesitating in desire

unhesitating in desire
unhesitating about desire
a panther doesn’t hem and haw about whether it wants or not
it either wants or it does not want, no hesitation necessary
it wants and it acts
it wants and it initiates movement
movement comes from center and expands, ripples out
movement collapses back in on the center like a black hole of desire which then
opens up and expands outward again
with each new breath and new desire

so many things you thought were yes are no

you thought they were yes because that was a yes from within captivity
it was a so-close, an almost, so it became a yes by necessity
you are free now, so you are DONE
with things that are almost and maybe and sort of

you can still enjoy anything that gives you pleasure
because pleasure has power
but you understand the difference between this temporal yes of
edge meeting edge
in the raw sexy touch of edge-play
vs the exhale yes of ahhhhhhhh this is home

(and yes, you can have both)
(and yes, you must have both)
(because you are a panther and you live this)

what else do I know?

plastic must go
panthers don’t like plastic
their golden eyes go indifferent
don’t put plastic near a panther
it’s just a different kind of cage

just let it all go
and then let go some more

a compass for being a panther in the month of Glow More

the month of Glowvember is good timing to be
a newly liberated panther learning about
sparks and ignition
having a wild affair with wildness
oxygen and freedom

here is the golden softly glowing
honeycomb-shaped sun-compass of Glow More
I do not know if panthers care much for compasses
but this one is looking for direction…

North: glow TRUST more
Northeast: RELAX and glow more
East: SHINE your glow more
Southeast: EXPAND into glowing more
South: ANCHOR the glowing-more of your glow more
Southwest: TREASURE your glow more
West: GLOW your glow more
Northwest: WILD glows more

being a panther

I listen to a recording about releasing fear of flying
(I do not have fear of flying)
(so I replace flying with glowing)

what do I know about the me who is
wholly unafraid
of glowing

Isabel Wild aka Incoming Me,
possibly also the wise woman of the mountain, says

one day you will laugh that you ever thought glowing was anything other than
calming and comforting
something you cannot be without
and truth: you glow already
people who can see do not miss it
so just turn it up
and let the glow be both a beacon to those who need to see you
and a fiery protective field to cloak you from everyone who does not need to see you

and know this:
being free is energizing
so let go of the perception that figuring out panther life is work

more about the me who glows

live this
enter this
we will glow so hard that [people at dance or on the bus] who try to siphon our energy
or express their unsolicited inappropriate thoughts
get BURNT, or at least LIGHTLY TOASTED
by our radiant glowing boundaries,
they immediately feel crispy and back off,
because we are a force to be reckoned with and
no one can plug into our power source anymore, amen

it is effortless
I do not initiate the burning
I am just radiantly present
and the glow holds itself
without needing me to do anything

glow requires of me only that I
rest (into clarity)
and follow the pulse of my beautiful desire
and breathe breathe breathe
my way into freedom

what do I know about my wish this week

it is a proxy,
that is to say, you might know this already but
I am not actually a panther?

or you could say: I am feeling into this panther story which is also my story
to learn what there is to learn about being
deeply involved in aliveness
with passion, intention and a renewed commitment to both
freedom and glowing

other than that,
the rest (ha!) is for me to find out
maybe freedom has to do with stepping outside of the rigging
or this could be about a wish I made in my heart about Not Settling
or a return to shmita life
maybe all of this and more
wishes after all are fractal flowers
and they go deep

so I look forward to discovering not only
my panther essence
and my spark-and-glow
but what else this wish holds for me
I only know that it will be beautiful
and it will glow

may it be so!


close to the fire with Agent Carolina Sloan and a compass
a pot of tea
and big magic

last week I said:

glow more glow more glow more
down the unfamiliar path

I think I am here
I think this is the unfamiliar path

superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone.

November - Glow More november (on the fluent self calendar) is GLOW MORE, with the superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone

this is a good superpower for
American Thanksgiving
which I call Hermitsgiving
because it makes me want to run away and hide

I can hide and glow at the same time though
these are not mutually exclusive
contrary to popular belief
in fact often retreating is the fastest way
to activate-and-enhance glow-state

a good way to not dim our spark for people
is to remember that there is enough oxygen for each of us
enough room for everyone’s glow
and that glowing delineates boundaries
and god knows we need more of that this time of year

I am also trying to stay offline (other than here)
because this is the season of Comparison and Scarcity Tactics
and other Wildly Unsovereign Bullshit
not dimming my spark means not engaging with the world where
that is normal and okay

thank you, past-me, for putting my glow
on the calendar

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about resting into clarity and the wild mysteries

this was a good week for remembering how vitally important it is
to build in pauses
sometimes I chose them
and sometimes they fell into my lap

I have gone much deeper than I ever imagined
into the wild mysteries
(including, now, the mystery of my panther self)
(and the mystery of who am I when I am free)
and I am in awe of all the treasure here

thank you, process of writing about wishes, and thank you, me who asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

The Fluent Self