2017

in yoga, a few days before the new year, Em said to us,
“if you had a terrible unpleasant painful year,
please know that you are not alone,
we are going to make it through, together
we are going to coast our way there”

a toast to company, and the superpower of coasting

a door into the new year

this year I am asking new questions,
less about what I want, what I think I want, etc,
and more along the lines of:

how do I want to care for myself,
how can I treasure myself

a toast to wild self-treasuring
even/especially in troubled times

treasures

a toast to all the treasure from 2017 received through painful experiences
like the treasure of way the hell more self-respect
found through learning what it is like
to lose it completely,
(ha yes, I meant the self-respect,
but sure, I also lost it completely in all senses of that phrase)
no more will I make room in my life for
people who will not make room for me,
— did it hurt to learn this? yes! —
but it is still treasure,
a toast to the good that comes from the hard,
here’s to the new good coming from good

we made it to the threshold, friends

good lord it was a toxic shitstorm of a year
not just politically but also personally,
for me it helps to remember that we all felt this

a toast to remembering that the pain/fear/anxiety/
is legitimate and understandable, and connected to bigger stuff going on than
just exceptionally bad luck or terrible life decisions

a toast to setting it all on fire,
and to breathing in light

small sweet surprises

I got piercings in my ears from someone who told me that
her only life goal is BE MORE FORMIDABLE
(she was nailing it by the way, I want this too)
and surprised myself by falling in love with motorcycles,
returned to yoga after a long time away,
undid an addiction,
discovered that hitting a punching bag feels amazing,
turned things upside down,
changed states (geographically and in all ways)
started over

a toast to BE MORE FORMIDABLE
a toast to changing states
and the equilibrium within the disruption

fountains

I drove all day from a tiny town in Kentucky to Chicago
sure this was a terrible mistake but this terrible mistake led to a
3am improvised dance so transcendent and so magical that
my new dance friend and I abandoned the floor
to spend the next two hours
moving to breath and music by the water fountain,
in awe of the dance-life force itself

a toast to discovery, good surprises, and Nothing Is Wrong

a toast

thank you for the good, the brave,
the moments from this past year that glow in my memory,
the moments I remembered to breathe into my heart,
may the good light the way to more good and help me remember
that not everything in this challenging year was awful,
to approach this new year with crown restored

a toast to raise and rays
and something better

yes, crown restored

Incoming Me keeps showing up to whisper
(sometimes it’s more like shouting),
and she always says the same thing:

the time has come to reinstate and reawaken your
UNWAVERING SENSE OF SELF WORTH!

god I love her

a toast to knowing that she is right

berlin

once upon a time I was a smoker who lived in tel aviv
and was planning a move to berlin,
and I knew that berlin-me did not smoke,
but I didn’t know how to make the passage,
wanting to trust this deep certainty inside of me,
but also wary

I can’t remember how close to the move it happened,
if it was days or weeks,
but I boarded the plane, cravings alive,
and on the other side, I was free,
haven’t desired one since,
though sometimes I still smoke in my dreams

I need this new year to work like that flight to berlin,
the toxic inhalations of loving-and-missing someone
who loves me back but will never put that love first,
or even move it towards the top of their list,
the aching and the fury
all that is over on the other side of the door

a toast to the other side

new

In 2018 the addictive pull of desiring sweetness and
feeling hurt/angry at its mysterious disappearance,
the need for the sweetness and for the anger
all this does not exist, because here on this side of the door
I breathe better air

a toast to right timing and to process and to
what you do not feed will not grow

up in the air

so much I’d hoped would be resolved
is still up in the air
and so I am taking a new approach,
no more asking WHAT IS THE ANSWER,
no more PLEASE COME IN, SOLUTION,
I am deciding there is no bad answer,
I go with what feels most indicated based on gut yes
and the best intel I have in the moment,
and hey, if it is all in the air,
then I will rise and play in the air,
an aerialist who draws power from all directions

do-overs

my new years eve was mostly terrible but that’s okay because
we get do-overs
that’s how it works, right?
pretty sure there’s a thirty day grace period
let’s test this theory, friends, come join me!

every time someone asks me how new years eve went,
I have been honest and said MEDIOCRE
and then they laugh and say that theirs was too,
so apparently I am not the only one in need
of giving it another go

a toast to hey we tried a thing and it wasn’t yes, let’s try again, cut, take 2!

what do I love towards

I was thinking about the plane-to-berlin phenomenon,
and typed the question what do I move towards…
except what I actually wrote was what do I love towards,
which might be the most beautiful and poignant typo I’ve ever made

what do I want/choose to love towards?!

pleasure/freedom/adventure/play
on my terms
feeing peaceful and powerful,
at ease in my life,
fullness in my thank-you heart,
thank you for this life, this aliveness-of-life,
this glow-state of breath

a toast to turning inward and glowing outward

love

love to all you friends here,
everyone who had it rough this year,
those in the “it’s only going to get worse” camp and also the
“it really fucking has to get better” camp,
despair + hope + all of the big real feelings are intense,
and we get endless cascading sparklepoints for being present with what is

I love you
thank you for your companionship in 2017
(which was a nonsense year), and
let us wish loving wishes for this new year,
may we ease our way in and take
exquisite care of ourselves
as we can when we can to the best of our ability

a toast to us

xox

p.s. you are welcome to seed new year wishes in the comments or share anything sparked for you!