very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal!

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

Asking.

The past twenty four hours have been — for me — tumultuous, messy and full of upheaval, both internal and external.

I am feeling fragile, vulnerable, raw, unsure.

So, I am scrapping the post I’d been writing, and coming back to the grounding ritual (yes, it is a ritual that is grounding, and also a grounding-ritual) of coming here to find out what I want.

I need something more stable, more contained than free-form exploring, so I am just going to ask and keep asking the following questions:

  1. What do I want?
  2. What do I know about what I want?

Ask and keep asking. Here we go.

What do I want.

A new foundation.

What do I know about a new foundation?

I love double-meanings, and foundation is full of possible meanings.

A new foundation could be the literal foundation to a building, to a particular building I know of whose foundation is crumbling.

A new foundation could be metaphorical/symbolic grounding for me, a new way of being deeply connected and beautifully anchored.

A new foundation could be about being luminous. I don’t wear foundation, and I hardly ever wear makeup at all, but something about glowing, about a protective layer of light, yes, this speaks to me.

A new foundation could be an organization. Maybe it’s my new cover story: I oversee a foundation, yes.

A new foundation is kind of the best way to describe the work I’m currently doing with my hypnotist, healing backwards, both horizontally and vertically, through time and space. Destruction and Uncreation. Retroactive rebuilding. Replacing my foundation of trauma with a fountain of light.

Maybe my new foundation is being able to dance in particles of light, letting the ground reconfigure beneath me, who cares, I am always grounded in light.

What do I want.

Relief.

What do I know about relief?

Yesterday I went to a place that I no longer visit, and while I was there, a spider bit me on the inside of the wrist, exactly in the place where my lover kisses me.

The bite is huge, swollen, distracting, uncomfortable.

Relief is whatever is the most soothing, the most comforting, the most predictable in the sense of steady and reassuring.

I want relief in the form of loving and tender words whispered in my ear, spells cast in the form of beloved fingers writing words down my back.

I want relief in the form of healing. I want a sweet subsiding.

Relief can also mean financial relief. Relief can also mean someone taking over your duties so that you can rest. Relief is that wonderful exhale when you realize (or, sometimes: remember) that you are okay, that the people you love are okay.

There is relief in sculpture, the way something projects out from the flat surface, and there is relief in baseball when a new pitcher — the reliever — comes in. A reliever. I’ll take one of those please.

What do I want.

Home base.

What do I know about home base?

It’s part of my new foundation.

What do I want.

Clear-eyed trust.

What do I know about clear-eyed trust?

Let’s remember, my love, let’s remember:

Whenever we find something that looks like a pattern but it makes us feel bad, that’s a story we are creating (with the help of Scared Tiny Havi and maybe some monsters) about the intel at hand, and not the actual useful patterns.

Let’s look at the information without needing it to form a narrative about how I always get hurt.

What do I want.

New foundations made of light.

What do I know about new foundations made of light?

New foundations are made of light, because the earth ones just crumble away anyway, and light can take any form we want it to.

What do I want.

To take exquisite care of myself right now.

And always. But mainly right now.

What do I know about taking exquisite care of myself right now?

In grief as it is in grief:

Intense loving self-care. Asking for what is needed. Letting yourself be cared for. Letting other people figure out the details. Getting close to the floor.

Being the best possible mother to me. Being the best possible mother to tiny me. New foundations of that.

Crying as much as is needed. Naming things. Being grounded.

Coming back to this moment. Letting go of more in each exhale: knowing that exhaling is treasure. Taking in more light and love in the inhale, because each inhalation is treasure.

And: one fucking step at a time. That’s how trust works, right?

Though sometimes it also works in leaps and bounds, soaring like a trapeze artist, landing like a panther, all grace.

What do I want.

New forms of grounded. New forms of flying.

New ways to be tree and bird.

What do I know about new forms of grounded and flying?

When I was young, I used to have dreams about being kidnapped.

Young: as far back as I can remember, all the way until I left home.

In the dream, he was driving down my street, and I hid in my house, but then my mother, or, later on, my grandmother when she was living with us, invited him in.

I wasn’t able to explain that this person was dangerous, or maybe they refused to believe me.

I would duck out the back door, but he would find me, and I would run, but I couldn’t run fast enough, and then, sometimes, my legs would begin to bound, my feet would take off, brushing the ground and, with a few bumpy starts, I was flying above him and he couldn’t get me.

Sometimes he would still follow me, but I got good at flying higher and faster, at hiding until he gave up.

What would it be like to fly not out of fear but with joy, the way a trapeze artist flies.

What would it be like to fly the way my secret panther moves, each movement emerging from powerful embodied grace, the desire to move (not the desire to escape) is what sets me free.

What do I want.

A secret bolthole: a place just for me, a sanctuary.

What do I know about a place just for me?

It is small, compact, glowing, beautiful. Luscious Minimalism.

It is like a very miniature version of the Playground, the center I [verb-ed] in Portland for nearly five years.

Cozy, sweet, quiet, possibly disguised. Like a safe room, come to life. A parallel world version of the one that lives in my mind.

I can come and go as often as I like, and it waits for me, with love.

This is where I seed new foundations, where I practice walking through holograms of light.

Invitation.

You are invited to share many !!!!!! about my wishes and realizations here, to share anything sparked for you while reading, to say “oh wow, what beautiful wishes” to me and to each other, to wish your own wishes.

Now.

You know how, when everything gets turned upside down, none of the normal bits of life make sense?

Somehow it’s evening now, even though my body is telling me it’s early afternoon. And the thermometer says 90 degrees outside, but the house isn’t acting like that is true.

Everywhere I look in my living room, I suddenly see the color red where I didn’t notice it before.

What does Slightly Future Me have to say?

Ze: Remember the dream where you and Bella were riding carousel horses around the world, and the poles went all the way to the center of the earth, but you could go so fast because they were so stable?
Me: That was a good dream. I didn’t know her name was Bella then. So you’re saying that is an example of a new foundation?
Ze: I’m saying you have good allies, and that there are lots of cool forms that stability can take.
Me: How come I’m so good at being grounded and present for someone I love when they’re in crisis, or for me, when I’m in crisis, but then I lose my grounding so easily just walking down the street.
Ze: Because you’re hyper-aware of people who have erratic or possibly predatory energy, and because you’re still learning how to use your superpowers. Let’s practice remembering what grounded and present feels like.

Clues.

My dance teacher described a step as “digging a trench, but sexy”.

The superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.

August - Trust MoreJune was RELEASE MORE, with the superpower of I am stronger than I think, and July was LOVE MORE, because this is a badass way to live.

Now we are in TRUST MORE, with the superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.

I guess that’s the best possible month for everything falling apart, foundations crumbling, learning about new ones. Trust more, and then trust even more.

I am ready to learn to trust the ground, or at least to trust in my ability to walk on tightly-packed particles of light.

Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…

Nap, dance, write, play, labyrinths. Get quiet. Sweet pauses, yes to red lights and purple pills, thank you to the broken pots. Costume changes. Skip stones. Body first. Thank you in advance. Eight breaths in eight directions:

Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week aka Trust Returns..

Trust did in fact return to me in the form of the beautiful boy, who came back from the mountains and into my arms. And in the form of going all the way back to the beginning in my dance studies and starting over. And listening to my body.

Thank you, process of writing about wishes. Thank you, me who asked.

Ongoing Wishes. Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I claim my superpowers. Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more.

Keep me company! Or just say hi!

You can deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, seeds, secret agent code, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.

Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox