Personal ads. They’re … personal!
Love into trust.
Saturday morning was a flurry of getting ready for my day trip to Seattle.
Just when I had everything ready, I was exiting the kitchen, and saw the Fluent Self calendar on the wall, and stopped in my tracks. We’re in August now.
And guess what this month is! The month of TRUST MORE.
Loving my way into trust.
It suddenly occurred to me how thrilled I am with how last month turned out, aka the month of LOVE MORE. With its superpower of This Is A Badass Way To Live.
The beginning of July saw my lover coming back to me and Portland, and I thought this month — for me — might include new understandings about closeness and interpersonal love, being someone who can glow love towards another person, and feel safe and comfortable receiving it.
And yeah, we did have an exceptionally vulnerable, tender, sweet loving month together, and also I had serious Ludicrous Fear Popcorn on the topic of oh no what if actually die of too much pleasure.
So, that was a useful component of the month of Love More: noticing all the moments in which I think I’m not allowed to have love, or the bad things I think will happen if I let love in. But that wasn’t the main thing about the month of Love.
The main thing turned out to be a mind-altering life-altering taste of what it might mean to be in a state of deep, enduring Self-Love, Self-Kindness and Self-Acceptance.
And I learned that I live the quality of love through intentionally creating more loving and supportive environments for me.
And eventually I was able to recognize how badass that is.
And then, through all this love, I actually went and did legitimately badass (for me) things, like hip hop and burlesque, and trying trapeze, and floating in a sensory deprivation tank for an HOUR AND A HALF like a boss.
And I learned about advocating for myself so that these environments and experiences can support my sensitivities, and the unique (and sometimes very slow) way that I learn.
What treasure awaits in learning to trust (more)?
The month of Love More brought about a big shift in how I think, and in how I am approaching Shmita.
I am very excited and a little nervous about getting to know TRUST in a new way too, and also about this month’s very sexy superpower of wildly confident, wonderfully tranquil.
I am like a mad scientist in a basement lab, peering over beakers to see how love and trust will interact, mixing these new TRUST MORE superpowers with everything I’ve been learning about being loving towards myself, and, as an extension of this, being loving towards the people and experiences I encounter.
Looks like lots of discoveries to be made. So let’s start with what we have so far, in the form of clues.
Here are the clues I currently have related to TRUST MORE.
Clues that are seeds. Also: clues about seeds.
- Things that are seeded, sown, strewn.
- Light can be seeded, sown, strewn.
- “A ship in port is safe; but that is not what ships are built for.” — John Augustus Shedd.
- I have read that quote before but this time it landed differently for me, thanks to Elizabeth Wartluft who said, “I read that every day, and try not to let my vulnerability keep me hiding from growth.” YEAH!
- In parallel to the above: May I always remember that Adventure and Safety are not mutually exclusive, they are qualities of the divine and so they are playmates. I can choose Safety First and adventure. I can choose to adventure deep into Safety. I can choose vulnerability and growth. So let me be brave in the ways that are brave for me, and let me trust that this is the right process.
- And: I have so much fear that Trust Will Lead To Getting Hurt, but actually safety comes from trusting my wise instincts.
- Easing and releasing is how trust returns to my body and my nervous system.
Clues of yes.
- DRASTIC. This is the name of the color on my toenails right now. This is also how I feel, in general, about everything, but in a good way.
- I typed “new levels of tryst” instead of new levels of trust. See? Love more, trust more. And tryst more. Yes, please.
- Mmmmm, all the superpowers of YES PLEASE: activate!
- I read the phrase “She loves dance, travel and crop tops” in an instructor bio, and this set off a chain reaction of neon-colored sparks in my mind. What would it be like to be someone who loves crop tops? Or to be someone who could comfortably tell people this as a primary thing about themselves? Do they not have my “oh god you’re so shallow, how do you live with yourself, no one can ever know what a terrible person you are” monsters? What is THAT like? It sounds fun! It sounds like Freedom.
- Luscious Minimalism. That might be my new favorite Unlikely Combination.
- Marlena Wild aka Incoming Me, and her superpower of IDGAF x1000000.
Clues of connections.
- Not knowing what I want (or thinking I don’t know what I want) is Early Radar Detection Alert that I’ve gotten disconnected from myself. Even if it’s something very small. Back to the PROTOCOL of Apply Extreme Self-Care Immediately.
- Mermaid origin story? Rethinking everything about that.
- Follow the trails of sparks, and do nothing else. If it doesn’t feel like a trail, don’t follow it.
- Everything pulses. Like in music: One-twooooooo. One-and-twooooooo. But not just music. Everything pulses.
- Everything coming into my life now is related to (and healing) the old story-seed of Bird vs Tree. TRE is being like a tree. TRAPEZE is being like a bird. Hypnosis and floating are like being tree birds. Dancing west coast swing is like being an anchor and a boat and a magician and a feather, all at the same time.
- Again, trust is knowing that there is no contradiction: you are allowed to access seemingly mutually-exclusive things at once. Either/or is invariably a lie.
Clues about ingredients.
- Ingredients Are Everything.
- Panther walks.
- I was wishing out loud at the Secret Sword Society that DIVORCE PARTIES were a thing, and then I followed a trail of sparks to a class that I really want to take, and the woman who teaches it also runs Divorce Parties. So there you have it.
- As I have been saying for the past ten years: If we approach the process of habit change from guilt, then the habit we are reinforcing is guilt. So let’s change that.
- Eight slow breaths change everything.
- Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until it lives inside of you.
- Trust returns. Everything that is needed returns.
What else do I know about this wish?
Actually, I don’t think I need to explore this more, at least not at the moment.
I think part of trust is just planting the seeds of intention: it is enough right now to know that TRUST MORE is what I want. This is my direction, now I follow it.
And I can trust that all of these clues are seeds of light, and they will do what they need to do, or I can investigate any of them whenever I feel pulled that way.
What if this is enough? What if TRUST MORE is enough?
And again, thinking about everything I received from the month of Love More, what if I am enough?
Anything else I want to plant?
Curiosity, Play, Wonder, Delight, Expectancy, Undoing, Passion and Sanctuary.
And I am ready to let everything I know or think I know about Trust dissolve and reconfigure in marvelous new ways. I am ready to immerse myself in the kaleidoscope while still very aware of where I am and where the kaleidoscope is.
You are invited to share many !!!!!! about my wishes and realizations here, to share anything sparked for you while reading, to say “oh wow, what beautiful wishes” to me and to each other, to wish your own wishes.
I am testing out being someone who likes crop tops by wearing one IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME where no one can see me.
I had this weird moment while trying it on in the dance shop. My mother was there. My mother is no longer alive, but that doesn’t stop her from sharing her opinions, and she does not like crop tops.
She was saying things like, “You want to walk around showing everyone your pupik?! What will people think? They’ll think you look like a whore is what they’ll think. Wouldn’t it be better to dress your age? You don’t want to invite unwanted attention.”
And then, over her, in the next dressing room, I hear this other mother saying to her daughter, who was maybe in ninth grade, “How’re you doing on booty shorts, babe? You need some more?”
And there was snick-snick sound/sensation in my mind, a quick series of electric discharges, during which I tried — and failed — to simultaneously hold these two different forms of mothering in my mind. The kind that loves so much that it wants to protect at any cost, and the kind that loves so much that it wants to play.
Of course we’ve already established there are no contradictions: Safety and Play can co-exist. I know this in my heart and I know it in my head, but the wiring between the two is still not all connected up. So here I am. Practicing. With love and trust.
What does Slightly Future Me have to say?
Ze: I’m always here for you.
Me: This whole Self-Kindness thing is really intense, and I didn’t even know it existed. I feel so fiercely about taking care of myself right now. I’ve never felt that way before. The closest I’ve gotten is recognizing that I need to. This is different.
Ze: Yup. You got there through Love, and now it’s time to Trust that taking care of yourself and advocating for yourself is actually a revolutionary approach to being alive.
Me: Lots of fear that people won’t like it.
Ze: Sounds normal. Well, let’s invoke the superpower of Shit Is Not About Me, and the deeper version of that which is I Remember That Other People Are Free Beings So I Don’t Project Onto Them Things They Might Be Thinking About Me, They Can Think Whatever They Want And I Don’t Need To Make Guesses To Ensure My Safety Because Now Is Not Then And These People Have No Authority Over Me, Ta Da!
On Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, they interviewed Chance The Rapper (content warning for horrible ads underneath this post, don’t scroll down!), and one of the panelists asked if forty six years old is too late to start a career as a hip hop artist.
Chance thought about the question and then said, “No, I don’t think so. It might even be too soon…”
The superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.
June was RELEASE MORE, with the superpower of I am stronger than I think, and July was LOVE MORE, because this is a badass way to live.
Now we are in TRUST MORE, with the superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.
I love these two aspects of trust, I love how they are yet another unlikely combination.
Maybe the combination of wild confidence and wonderfully tranquil are what allow me to believe that Trust is here, and that Trust returns.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week aka Unlikely Combinations…
Last week was a marvelous wish, and I have been learning so much about Languid Adventuring and other unlikely combinations of both grounded and soaring, and giving myself permission to want and have both.
Thank you, process of writing about wishes. Thank you, me who asked.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
You can deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, seeds, secret agent code, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
Oh very yes to the beautiful wishes!
Such beautiful realizations and wishes!!
Luscious Minimalism! YES.
This is such a marvelous post.
This week, I am on vacation and in transition. I am wishing for continuing beauty, peace, and riches of all kinds.
Thank you Havi for these beautiful wishes! I am sparkling with millions of !!!! over “wildly confident, wonderfully tranquil”. I am also processing the notion of duality instead of dichotomy–that things do not need to be either/or and I can occupy both spaces at once. I just came across the poem ‘Litany’ by Billy Collins, which is full of these same delicious contrasts.
What beautiful wishes!
I’m excited to see how TRUST MORE will work out.
“If we approach the process of habit change from guilt, then the habit we are reinforcing is guilt.”
Which reminds me I really need to read and re-read some of your older posts on habits and patterns.
I’ve tried to guilt-trip myself into healthy habits, and unsurprisingly, it has never worked.
<3 <3 <3 !!!
much love here!
My wishes and Desire are:
-tending towards Fractaling lately, all things are contained in ech other, the same patterns arising again and again. recognition
-so much frustration with where i am, and underneath it so much desire for things to be different
-Biggifying and other scary vulnerable things
-support for eliminating gluten, and for beign able to decline gluten graciously. i was heading for a no gluten day and i was offered a small bite of a sugar/gluten thing that i suddenly felt unable to politely decline.
-i’ve managed white flowers for the first time in months, i’ve hit it 2 twice now. more of this
Whoa just realized that the image for Trust More is a TREE, and the image for Love More was a door with WINGS. So. Flying trees it is.
oh WOW what beautiful wishes!
I had so much happen this past weekend: so many things that I seeded for myself suddenly blossoming, and so many places where I felt myself cared for and where I cared for myself, and then I came home and saw that August was the month of Trust More and it was *perfect*. I don’t know how you timed it so, but it was perfect.
I’m seeding my desire for Wildly Confident and Wonderfully Tranquil here right now.
Also my realization that I can want things if I don’t try to route my desire through familiar paths, that it’s ok for my desire to travel in new paths and to not be tied to old patterns, that actually when I stop and let myself be, it turns out I *do* want things, and then I can articulate those wants! Holy—!
Let all of that grow into whatever it needs to grow into.
What everyone said about this post! I kept looking for the Like button after every paragraph.
Story about bird and tree: A man gave his small son the choice between being a tree and a bird, and the boy chose “right” and said bird. So later when the son was doing something free-spirited (I’ve forgotten what), the dad chided him and the boy said, “I’m being a bird!”
My wishes: I wish for strength and grace. I wish for Wonderfully Tranquil. I wish to receive love and care and support even when it arrives in awkward forms. I wish to love and let go and continue to love.
I have clews in gateway and getaway, hatchway and unplug. I wish for ease in following that trail.
I wish there were a coordinator who could take over things and make decisions without having to consult me all the time and arrange things for me… someone who is Not Me but who understands Me and all of the versions of me.
I have been reminded that life is uncertain and that things that I keep putting off may never happen if I continue to put them off. I wish for clarity and ease in doing those things. (Can we start with lettering the closet door?)
I want someone else to break the news to Donna.
When I hear yes from MrB, I also want to see yes in his behavior.
My most favourite spoken word poet gives her vision of the Divorce Party. We all need friends like Lisa B.
I love it! And I never say that about spoken word poetry. That is really beautiful.
Wow, what beautiful wishes.
“let’s invoke the superpower of Shit Is Not About Me, and the deeper version of that which is I Remember That Other People Are Free Beings So I Don’t Project Onto Them Things They Might Be Thinking About Me, They Can Think Whatever They Want And I Don’t Need To Make Guesses To Ensure My Safety Because Now Is Not Then And These People Have No Authority Over Me, Ta Da!”
– THIS, right now living with close relatives in a tiny town at the end of the world (if I’d showed you it on a map you would have agreed). I love being at the end of the world though, we know how to dance 🙂
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
I am going to have to gwish the Hard Gwishes, too. And keep reminding myself of all the Allies and Assets and Asking. And the Quest Quarterly Quality compass. I want Smoothness for all the External Things.
The octotazzle, among other Iguanas, is ready for the next release.
The Dude bounces back better after each visit to the Sick Bay. Gwish that his interview turn into his Next Job.
Play was good last week. Some hard stuff happened and my desire to play meant that I was determined to take care of myself so as to get back to playing as soon as possible. I suspect that the playing made my adapting more agile. At one point, when I found myself imagining what it would take to get a particular stranger incarcerated purely as revenge, I knew it was a perverse kind of play that was part of protecting myself, so I gave myself a timeframe and pushed the fantasy as far as it could go. I went through so many states (mostly less psycho-sounding), and I let go of each of them before they settled into defensive stories.
This week I want to play more, and pay attention to how it relates to risk and to research. The hard stuff happened because of the risks I already take and what I’ve already discovered, with someone wanting to put me back in what they see as my place. I realised that, despite my history of terror, I’m good at taking risks. Having my fear actually happen, now I’ve gone through my reactions, means I am more free to try unknown stuff, and this means I’m more free to use risk to research, to go towards what is alive for me. So, again, I want to play.