League of Assassins, call me (story hour)

Okay but before story hour, I need to share a clue with you that I got during a zoom workshop I attended on the history of dance (1950s-1970s), with the amazing Richard Powers.

He said: “The tempo is NEVER WRONG! We are probably just doing the wrong thing to it…”

So yeah, that’s basically the hard & good of my week — and possibly my year — right there. Anyway, the tempo isn’t wrong. Okay, onward to the league of assassins.

Many thousands of repetitions: practice practice practice

Some of you may remember that when quarantine started, I decided to add one sun salutation a day to my already-a-lot of daily sun salutations, aka playful anger management aka #bicepsforthecollective.

The idea was to imagine keeping RBG alive, with extra strength and powers. Ah, remember the days when we still had hopefulness about things, that was a different time huh.

Anyway, time has moved on, and by October I was the angriest I have ever been, and could not stop sundulating (undulating sun salutations), which is how I wound up at 5,000.

Then 6,000 in November, 7,000 in December, 8,000 in January, 9,099 for February. It’s kind of the only consistent thing these days. So as we find ourselves in April, you might be wondering if I nailed 10,000 in March.

Except I went a little wild, not sure how else to put it, and bumped it up 13,000, GO BIG OR GO HOME, because I got to a point where symbolic incremental progress was not doing it for me anymore.

Still waiting for that invitation from the League of Assassins, ready for whatever division they need me in, though they know which job I’m applying for. Thirteen thousand. Be impressed, League of Asssasins, and call me!

Am I going to go hard in April? Maybe. So far I’ve mostly been rolling around on the floor and crying and/or pacing angrily, but who can say. Calling in some ARIES FIRE WARRIOR GODDESS ENERGY, and no promises because each day is new and who knows what tomorrow me will choose, but let’s see what happens.

Weekend Check-in, we made it.

Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, but another form of remembering, turning inward with attentiveness.

We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.

Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.

If I neglect to name something big in the world, could be ADHD but also I’m keeping myself on this extended news break after spiraling hard.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

These are in no particular order this week because they all feel weighted equally to me right now, for sure some are harder than others but I am perceiving them all as last straw material. Things are hard, friends, they just are.

Covid has been a scarring experience, what it has done (to us, as a collective, and what the intensity of isolation has to me, via my mind) is scarring. I am scarred and scared and just undone by this fucking crucible of it all. Oh, and check out this unbearably hopeful article from exactly a year ago today.

The weekend was probably the worst of it for me, but I spent most of this week crying on the floor.

The logistics are too complex, the decisions to be received too many, and I have no clarity, no capacity for receiving information or knowing what to do with it.

I can’t drive with expired plates because I can’t afford the ticket, but I can’t renew them without driving to New Mexico, and I can’t do that without seeing my mechanic first, and I can’t do that, because I don’t know anyone who would go with me and wear a mask, and it is too hot to sit in my mechanic’s backyard all day.

Everything is uncharted, unknown, these waters are not familiar, who knows where or how any of this ends, but I need someone to talk me into staying with it, and I don’t have anyone to talk to.

My heart is broken, and I am just so bored of being this sad.

My brain doesn’t work, and I am tired of everything it takes to focus the tiniest amount to make even one small thing happen, and then that One Small Thing begets an impossible lists of other things. I didn’t have much executive function to speak of before this, but I am lost and flailing now in entirely new ways.

And, as we talk about every week, I am exhausted from the disconnect between my perception of reality and my wish to be protected and cherished, for my life to be valued by others as much (or ideally more) as I value it, versus the way everyone else is acting (like lives are expendable, and whatever, no big deal, death happens), this perception mismatch is so dissonant and overwhelming that I don’t know how to cope. None of this is new, it just feels intensified.

I miss conversation so much versus I just don’t know how I will be able to make polite conversation when we are past this, with the yoga studio owners who stayed open, the teachers who kept teaching in person (and posting pics of their new hairstyles), the float tank places that kept bookings open and sent an email saying the staff had decided that wearing masks was not their thing, the dance groups that held “mask optional” dance nights, and on and on.

Arizona is re-opening, bars are open, no more mask mandates, so many more people are going to die, and it is so tragic and unnecessary and awful. And so many other people aren’t going to have the hard conversations because they just want to be Switzerland, and THERE IS NO SWITZERLAND HERE, I would be shouting, if I had anyone to talk to and could get off my floor.

I said this before and it’s still true, in too many ways: I trust no one, and am constantly bewildered to discover how many people I think of or thought of as friends seemingly are not particularly concerned with life, with my life, with sustaining life at all, to the extent that we can.

And I am sorry to report that after spending both more time and money than I wanted to on trying to solve the mystery of how to get emoji to show up on the blog and in comments, no one knows how to solve it, so SHRUG EMOJI, sorry about that, I’m out of options.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

I feel incredibly fortunate to be in mostly good health right now, a reprieve from chronic pain stuff, just so lucky in so many ways, a breath for this amazing good fortune.

Scary dermatologist appointment was fine, everything is benign, I am safe, and nothing to worry about. Let’s exhale again for that one.

My friends have been so great at making me laugh by text and sending me ridiculous memes, and generally not judging any aspect of how hard I’m falling apart but just glowing more love and understanding for me.

Someone who attended a retreat with me in North Carolina in 2010 made it her life mission to get me a vaccine appointment, and she made it happen for me in a day after I had had zero luck finding anything anywhere in Arizona or New Mexico. It was five hours of driving and every moment of that was worth it. Darcy, I cannot thank you enough, truly truly thank you for getting me there. Blessing is not even a big enough word.

Hot tub night under the stars didn’t deliver the clarity I was hoping for, but it felt great, and the more experiences of Feeling Great I can layer on right now, the better.

A solution I was hoping for re a place to stay fell through, and I had to act carefree about it because that’s the only approach. Can I be carefree about it? I don’t know yet.

I have been getting things done, despite my total inability to focus, by dividing my time into Iguana Liberation Front (tiny steps to get things off the list), Congruencing (making my space harmonious) and Dance Breaks. And while it all still feels hopeless and Sisyphean, I probably got more things done in the past two weeks than in all of pandemic, so that’s something, and my criticism monsters can GO HYDRATE.

Listening to Valerie June sing Only A Fool because it’s the most relevant heartbreak song of all time. And this song is what got me to my vaccine appointment and back, yes I listened to this for five hours.

I was expecting the vaccine to mess me up good, because I’m a Highly Sensitive Person and the flu shot usually does a number on me, but didn’t notice anything, and didn’t have the arm/shoulder pain other people have talked about. So that’s the absence of X, and it is hard for me to appreciate things in the category of what-is-not-bad, but I’m trying.

Hopefulness, gratitude, among the tidal waves of grief.

I am making good food, I am wrapping myself up in love, I am practicing tenderness, emptying, wild self-treasuring, self-cherishment, being the one who protects & cherishes, being the one who always has time for me, always has a compassionate word, always remembers that I am worthy of all this and more.

Wise me reminded me that this weekend is the anniversary of two different past Terrible Things, and that even without a pandemic and heartbreak and dying of loneliness, this would probably still be a crying-on-the-floor time, and that’s okay. The tempo is not wrong, the music is not wrong, I just need to adjust how I move to it.

Still welcoming solutions that hold me in High Regard, inviting in new and better, in all forms. I’m sure there is more good in my life than what I am able to remember in the moment, can I trusting in the seeds and the gestation, in what I cannot yet see. Can I find some relief and joy in being alive.

Thank you again so much to everyone who sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, it is always welcome and received with love, and if I can land in a place, which is the wish-goal of wish-goals, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,
Havi

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