the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 353rd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
unexpected side effects
suddenly out of nowhere at the age of 39 I have allergies
sneezing my face off, eyes watering and red
I had to ask people what makes it stop
and it turns out that fexofenadine packs a punch (for me)
I have thick intense dreams
and slowly come to each morning with a phrase in my mouth
it circulates through my entire body, pulsing,
pausing in my mouth
cycling through again until I am awake enough
to write it down
hmmm phrase doesn’t seem strong enough
an instruction? a request?
or a wish in the form of a witchy incantation
it has an insistence to it
tugging at me until it has my full attention
this morning it was follow the sweetness
yesterday was get wild and clear
the day before, the first day, was the most bewildering:
trust love: it’s time to trust love
it is time to trust love
the more time I give this
the less I understand it
sometimes words become a wave crashing through me
washing away what is and was and could be
I watch the water and I am the water and
I do not understand anything about anything
it empties you to fill you:
the knowledge of emptiness and the experience of being emptied
out into an emptiness so empty only receptivity remains
I am asking myself
what does it mean to trust love
why do I not trust love
what would it be like to trust love
who is the me who trusts love
what changes when I know how to trust love
what happened to me that I do not trust love
hmmm let us ask some new questions
because these are tinged with sadness
and calcified stories about people who
[loved me and then stopped loving me]
and I can feel how much the monsters like these questions
let’s channel my friend A’s awe-inspiring ability to
move from pain into
love more and trust more
let’s approach from a different corner
Richard Powers, the most inspiring dance instructor I know,
says dance is about welcoming chance intrusions
therefore dance training is developing the skills that allow you to
welcome chance intrusions
you planned for X but then you get Y
a good dancer thinks, oh wow this is cool
this is not the same as being able to handle an unanticipated challenge
nope, this is the advanced practice: welcoming it
receptivity / breath / presence / curiosity / a smile
he talked about his teachers
and I expected him to name all the dance greats
but he said “anyone who is alive, and receptive to life,
and appreciative, this person becomes a teacher for me”
this is how I feel exactly
life and aliveness
I want to be here now, saying yes to this moment
and if it’s one of the hard moments
(and god knows there’s no shortage of those)
to meet it and myself with love
with acknowledgment and legitimacy, patience and presence
wholeheartedly whole whole whole heart
if I can welcome life, I can learn to trust life
not to trust life to not-screw-with-me, because oh it will
that’s just the way of things
but to trust that I can navigate
what comes or doesn’t come
I can take care of myself to the best of my abilities
pick myself up and kiss my bruises
pat my tears dry
find something loving and reassuring to say to me-who-fell
if I can trust life, surely I can learn to trust love
okay what do I know about love
it lives in me
a quality of source
therefore: I can access it through any other quality
for example, I might not feel confident about love in this moment
but I know about comforting small scared me
and love and comfort share the same DNA,
so I can access one through the other
sometimes I can forget truth:
any person who is currently a delivery mechanism for love into my life
is not the source of love
just a mailbox
if I lose this particular access point, there will be other access points
other drop boxes, as many as needed, internal and external
love will come in
because love is
I can breathe love in and out
it is never gone
forgetting and remembering
I can forget that love is available to me
but that does not make it any less available
eventually my storms will calm, my breath will quiet
my attention will turn inward
the dust will settle
a light will come on in my heart
or really it will be revealed that the light
was there all along
and I will glow with love
in my thank-you heart
so, a funny thing
I often joke that I’m an interior designer
very, very, very interior
exploring the territories deep inside myself
finding abandoned places and opening the windows
letting the light in,
refurbishing as needed, and mostly
listening to what those spaces want to reveal or become
and — this is the part I find funny —
right now I am in the process of figuring out
where and how I will live IN REAL LIFE
trying to imagine/invent/uncover the design elements
so my life right now is interior design coupled with, yes, interior design
I keep thinking about Rumi and that beautiful imagery of the guest house
his wish-vision that we open our doors to the emotion of the moment
in order to let it come in and be what it is:
“Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.”
welcome chance intrusions, the unexpected moment, says Richard
welcome visitors of feelings, the intense ones too, says Rumi
say hello, get curious, be there for this encounter:
oh wow, fear, what do you need, can I make you some tea?
what is here for me
what treasures are in this
(obviously, always always always Safety First)
there is no self-fluency without the concept of Safety First
we play and live by Safety First
so if that means you have to ask fear to
go hang out in its safe house while you hang out in yours
that works, that’s a good plan,
and of course you get to set the ground rules,
for example, you can request that fear only communicate with you
through an interpreter (wisest you, perhaps) or a negotiator
that’s absolutely fair
welcoming doesn’t mean relinquishing boundaries
or your ability to care for yourself
we have to be able to welcome ourselves first
this is important
we can live by Safety First and still maintain the mindset of welcoming
kicking is the opposite of welcoming
it is so common in this “self-improvement”-obsessed internet world of ours
to encounter people pushing their latest five-step-method for
kicking fear to the curb and giving fear the boot and all related forms of
none of these things are required
they are in fact the opposite of welcoming, the last thing that fear needs,
and not that effective in the long term
because the more barriers you build to keep fear out
the harder it will work to get your attention
but when you ask fear what it wants
and make it a strawberry smoothie,
listen to its stories, ask questions,
offer it a blanket when it gets cold
then it will trust you
and curl up and sleep by the fire
and one day you will know your fear so well
that there isn’t anything scary about it anymore,
when it shows up, blanket in hand,
you’ll just say, aw honey what can I for do you to make things better?
your approach of welcoming has become the automatic response
you take care of both fear and scared you at the same time
smoothies and blankets for everyone!
see, that’s love
I do know about love
and I do know about trusting love
in that sense
I know about the process of
welcoming the lost and hurting parts of me
the uncomfortable sensations
tucking them in instead of kicking them out
releasing what is not mine, with love
cherishing the space inside of me
and making it welcoming for me to experience what I’m experiencing
what is my wish this week
it is to trust love
but there is so much more to that
this is a wish about meeting myself with such kindness
in my grief and sorrow and anguish
in the most awkward and embarrassing moments
in rage and in paralyzing fear
to let love wash through me
and say, yes, I am a real live human being
with real uncomfortable emotions which sometimes scare me
and nothing is wrong
I scribbled notes during two days of training with Richard Powers
most of them make no sense now so I just have to trust
that it is all inside of me
and will reconfigure into dance wisdom that lives in my body
in the right timing
but the last page says
SHOW UP FOR LIFE, FOR DANCE, FOR JOY
this is my wish this week
this is how I want to practice trusting love
today I was going to buy a ticket to phoenix
to see someone I love
and now I am not
(time to trust love)
I kiss the palms of my hands and press them to my cheeks
letting my fingertips brush across my forehead
(time to trust love)
peeling a grapefruit with my fingers
I pause to inhale the scent of its skin
remembering the beautiful year I spent working in the orchards
those trees are gone forever
(time to trust love)
there’s no time like the present, as the saying goes,
and this is suddenly hilarious
because literally There. Is. No. Time. Like the present…
and no time other than the present
that’s all there is
it is the right time because it is the only time and all time all at once
there is only this so
it’s time to trust love
the superpower of beautifully supported
ah here we are in April, the month of ROOTS
and oh how I need this superpower of
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called something entirely new…
it was a raw and vulnerable wish, and I felt so understood and appreciated
thank you everyone for sharing it with me
here’s to the incoming/ongoing superpowers of
I Hear My Yes and listening with love
letting the new come in
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
Omgoodness, I love love love this!
New Questions because of Calcified Stories prompts me to ask my own new questions.
Rumi and Richard’s Welcoming reminds me of how I smile (and try not to groan or roll my eyes, so I’m clearly still working on the Welcoming presence!) and say, “Hi Shame, hey Insecurity, yes, yes, come in, take a seat…” – THIS is progress, but I could be even more Welcoming *smiles*
And of course, Drop Boxes (DROP BOXES!!!). Trust Love is such a prominent issue/Thing/otherrightword for me at present.
I have the Craziest Insecurity about the most-obviously-doesn’t-apply-to-me stuff, and omgoodness, I’m working so damn hard on it, and yet again, another opportunity presents itself for doing things differently, and I’m frightened, but of course I try Again.
I don’t even know exactly what my Wish is, but I’m begging not to be burnt Again, pleading to be Wiser This Time… and yet that seems to be from a less-than-helpful perspective.
*edges closer to her Wish* Let me change the Blueprint I so innocently took on all that time ago, so that I may Glow Intimately with another AND Remain Safe (well, as safe as that level of shared vulnerability might allow!)
May I Repair some of these Cruel and Unnecessary Distortions I took on when I was not the Valiant Protector of Mine Elf that I am now *smiles shyly*
(still terribly lengthy and wordy and unsuccinct, but it captures pieces of what I need right now!)
Thankyou for opening this up; I needed this.
<3 may it be so!
<3 love love love <3
I am wishing for comfort, ease, beauty, clarity, and sparkle during my two upcoming choral concerts.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
This is such a lovely wish – lovely and love-filled and love-giving.
I notice how I only wish for things I think I'm going to get anyway. I wish to wish for MORE. I wish to wish for huge impossible things.
– for sufficient work – or to learn how to live with space
– for abundant flow
– to love where I am – or to move on – or both
– to see what is really there – and to be kind to the illusions
* green leaves – refreshing breeze – expansive sunlight *
what beautiful noticing and what beautiful wishes — may it be so, or something even more and even better! <3
A line from one of my poems:
“my soul is karst”
When I wrote it, I felt close to despair. Some years later, there was a day in early spring when I was hiking in karst country. I *lived* that line. It was ecstatic, a peak moment.
Now when I say it to myself, it reminds me of my deep and joyous self.
I, too, this week have been looking at old issues & questions from new angles. Discovering truths I didn’t suspect.
I quite like your idea to welcome whomever appears. Intense emotions are often more satisfying… and I can learn more from them.
Thank you, as always, for sharing process.
mmm here’s to your deep and joyous self!
*delighted squawking noises*
i cannot evenb words with this, it is just yes
So much wild sweet wisdom here. MMM.
Wishes, so many!
So many things to be grateful for!
I have not been tracking my wishes and their outcomes but noticing:
-static and resistance comes up when I’m on the right track
-even then, I can usually zero in on True Yes
-in my fever for congruenting, so many things I used to tolerate have morphed into True No. saves time and effort
-I was hitting a stride on Friday where everything I needed and could not find imeediately, materialized. Evertything I had to research came up. Solutions presented themselves with ease and joy
-Magic! is flowing
-I have a number of fun new ops and they are all perking along so happily!
-Sailing News! I have been researching new regattas and ports-of-call [calls for submission, grants, awards and contests], and excavated [decades of old writing]. I have tidied things up, sent them along. Some are accepted, some have been rejected–all have started new conversations with people I want to sail with. All of it is Sailing! even the rejection slips are proof of sailing
-I had struggled with Operation Gold Star, and my Stone Skipping cards kept saying “who says so?” which in this case, I interpreted as a sign to do more research. And LO! the answers to so many questions were answered
-so much intel and progress on Ops Natasha (needs much more) and Levanah. Intel on super-scary Op Scarlet Fevre.
-the garden and apple trees! hooray
-clues all the time, guidance every day
-new Op! Operation Princess Aurora
I love the Spring!
What beautiful, beautiful wishes <3
I've never offered anything to the fear that came in uninvited, besides attention. I don't even know what it likes. Something to try.
My wish is for a wrap-up of anything urgent, so that I can take a sabbatical week next week.
This wish is also about boundaries (guarding sacred space), so I can defer any inquiries for and during the next week (and not overcommit in the process).
It's about acknowledging my need for empty space that won't get filled with other people's demands on my time.
It's about feeling deserving of that time for myself, and not needing to defend my needs in front of others.
What this wish is really about is becoming comfortable with my policies, and not feeling the urge to use logical arguments to justify why I've made them.
Progress on last week’s wish: I’m not sure there is any (client still MIA). But I’ve put some stuff in writing to prevent more people from pulling of the same disappearing in the middle of the project shtick. This situation has helped me realize just how much I need to put in writing and clearly state way before the money has exchanged hands.
Guarding Sacred Space–beautifully powerful!
May it all fall perfectly into place…
May all your beautiful wishes be so!
I brought from last month the super power of Knowing That Pleasure Is Healing; with that, I can be Beautifully Supported this month.
Soon I will be going on a trip with MrB and Bro; a month later, I will be going again without them. My wish has to do with releasing What that tie me to this place, releasing them in a way that allows me to settle in comfortably at each return, letting go of what no longer needs to be here and appreciating anew what remains/what has chosen to remain.
and my loves
and all within my circles
I have thrown at least one shoe this week at an innocent bystander and I feel really bad about that. It felt like I head a glimpse of a clear thought before throwing (“Don’t rain on her parade just because it’s not yours!”), but then I did it anyway. Now I regret it so much and can’t stop thinking about it in a really bad way… -That doesn’t exactly help anybody, so I just wish for a better handling of this:
– I wish to forgive myself
– I wish to speak up and say sorry
– May the glimpse of wisdom (“Don’t throw that shoe!”) last just a second longer for me to hold on to next time
– May I get to the root of that bad feeling bottled up inside of me that makes me want to stomp on good things
Throwing shoes man, it’s the worst.
Know the feeling. You are not alone. //warm wishes//