This week’s Very Personal Ads reminded me — again! — that I am desperately in need of a Pirate Queen Holiday.

And that if Selma and I don’t go into Emergency Vacation mode and take one immediately, some pretty not good things will probably happen.

Even the monsters agreed.

And they are usually of the (extremely vocal) opinion that any time off whatsoever is DOOM DOOM DOOM and IMPENDING DOOM.

My monsters were now more worried about the impending doom from not taking a break than they were about the doom of taking one. Wow. That got my ass in gear.

Thus a mini-holiday!

A mini-holiday! It is happening! Hooray! And happening tomorrow. Again hooray!

Except about ten seconds later it turned out that the pre-holiday freakout was happening too. Surprise. Not-hooray!


Let’s be scientific about this.

As you know if you have the Monster Manual & Coloring Book, one of the ways to lovingly stop your fuzzball monsters in their tracks and get them on your side is by invoking SCIENCE.

Your monsters don’t just get to make wild claims and give supposed evidence by telling stories about how much you suck.

They have to come up with a hypothesis and test it.

And your crew of internal scientists comes out with their lab coats and clipboards, and it’s awesome.

Because it pretty much always turns out that the monster theories are not very accurate. And then you are armed with statistics for the next time they mistakenly attempt to terrify you.

Anyway. That’s just background.

Let’s do this. Seventeen Billion Things!

Monsters say there are Seventeen Billion Things To Do before I can go on this mini-holiday. So DOOM!

Also they say that I will never get them done, so not just DOOM but also SHAME and possibly a chorus of Oh No Oh No Oh No Oh No and some hyperventilating.

That’s their number. Seventeen Billion Things To Do.

I say, on the other hand, there are no more than thirty things, and that some probably don’t need to be done right this minute anyway.

Who is right?! It’s so hard to say.

Let’s bring in the scientists!

Wait. Monsters say we can’t bring in the scientists because:
a) no time! and
b) some of the Things To Be Done are things whose existence we won’t remember until later, and the monsters will feel stoopid (again!) in front of the scientists.

I pull out the Clipboard of Tested and Acknowledged Facts.

And I show it to the monsters. Yup. They made the very same No Time argument eleven out of the past twelve times that we consulted the scientists.

And in all twelve of those situations, consulting the scientists actually saved us time.

As for the feeling stoopid thing, we are asking the scientists to reserve judgment and be neutral. They can do that. They’re like the Negotiators. They don’t take sides.

Compromise? Compromise!

I suggested to the monsters that we just make a list right now of the things that Absolutely Absolutely must get done.

And they said Okay. Deal.

They wanted to make the list themselves without me looking.

So. This is a list written by my monsters, who wish you to know that they have permission from me to write it.

And I will just add that they were granted that permission on the condition that they not say anything mean, call me names or try to guilt-trip me.

They asked if they can quietly whisper-add “except in bed” to each item to make it funnier and I thought that was a good idea, and now they are giggling hysterically. Which is weirdly cute.

Also. These are not in order but the monsters say there’s a Very Strict Rule about how if there aren’t numbers it doesn’t count.

Except in bed. Tee hee!

So there are numbers but I don’t have to follow them. Yes? Yes.

The monster list of things we think Havi absolutely absolutely needs to do today so she can go on mini-holiday tomorrow!

  1. write notes for the dvds ordered this weekend
  2. finish and put up the new post
  3. give FM packages to deliver to Cindy
  4. have a giant fit about packing
  5. pack
  6. go to stephanie
  7. don’t forget to tell stephanie about what NOT to do
  8. buy toothpaste
  9. go to the Horrible Store and procure the Thing You Can’t Live Without
  10. make lists of posts for while you’re gone
  11. Oh! The folder! The folder! It needs so much work and this is urgent ohmygod!
  12. tramp on the tiny trampoline
  13. go to dance class
  14. notes for the chickening
  15. clean up for S who is coming to stay (take note, imaginary Twitter stalker burglar!)
  16. take care of the Project Mess at the Playground
  17. send the card to Svevo
  18. put the pouncers in a box
  19. laundries
  20. emergency birthday present hunt because uh-oh we forgot his birthday
  21. questions for H.
  22. put that music on the ipod because you’ll need it for doing Shiva Nata

The monsters feel ashamed that they temporarily cannot think of more than twenty three things but they assure me there are more that they have forgotten.

They also say that if I weren’t so disorganizizized, they would have a better list, but they understand that I am scared of order because they yell so much.

They kind of wanted to put GET ORGANIZIZIZIZED PLEASE on the list but I reminded them about being realistic. And about not yelling.

So here we are.

The monsters wish to say thank you for the opportunity to write a list all by themselves without supervision, which has never happened before.

And I want to say thank you to them for not saying anything mean on the list. I’m sure that was really challenging, guys.

All right, monsters! They also agreed that I could stop freaking out if I did some of the things on the list. And they agreed that they would stop freaking out too.

So I’m going to see if I can help them out by doing a couple of these while they chill out in the Chilling Out Room (it’s like a safe room) and drink their Timber Joey milkshakes while making extra loud slurping sounds.

And comment zen for today..

Interacting with monsters is hard! It’s the hardest!

You might be wondering why my monsters weren’t more abusive and scream-ey and terrifying today. That’s because I’ve been talking to them every day for the past six years.

So we have a different relationship than you might if you’ve only recently started experimenting with opening up channels for sovereign, compassionate internal communication.

This stuff is challenging. It takes time. And I still have moments when I forget what I’ve learned.

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process.

No advice, please, but if you want to make lists of your own or say YAY or invent milkshakes, that is welcome.

Love to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.

The Fluent Self