Fluent Self desert sky

This is Anna’s favorite tree, and also the tree where one of my hawk friends lives.

When we can’t write

I was writing about something intense and personal, and then something in me tightened, and I couldn’t write anymore, about anything, at all.

Luckily for us, I remembered that some things (for example, a tightening, an inability to express) require calling on superpowers.

I am talking about the superpowers of Incubation, Percolation, Clearing The Path, Trust and Process, Trust In Process. What if we can give ourselves (and our writing) that grace? I think we can.

And, we can also always write about what is in front of us, we can describe what we see, we can play with what is true and what else is true

This is not a writing prompt / Ceci n’est pas une prompt

I am so deeply resistant to “writing prompts”, as you probably know.

Maybe because I am the rebellious one, and the word PROMPT makes me want to refuse to do as prompted.

So I use the imagery of stone skipping instead, dropping a question into consciousness, like a stone skipping across the water, watching the lovely concentric circles that echo out from our question-stone.

Today’s question-stone / questing-stone is I am thinking about…

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Fluid Motion, and the hawk soaring outside, as I watch from the window, all grace and precision, its purposeful arc. I am thinking about purposeful arcs.

And I am rooting for the hawk, my ally in my ongoing war with the mice who want to live in my car.

Hawk-like. Hawk-honed. I want to glide with fierce power and strike terror as I move through the world with my graceful precision, my purposeful arc.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Consolidation, as a word and as a concept or theme in my life.

CONSOLIDATE.

This keeps coming up, in scribbled notes, in a Monday Meeting, in meditation.

Consolidation in the pantry: how can I make quarantine easier to navigate by being able so see what is here? What can be combined? What can be stored together?

Consolidation of ideas and projects, how can these interrelated ideas and concepts support each other???

Consolidation of things, again, let’s see what we have. Inventory. Clarity.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Congruence and Harmony, in interior design and in very interior design (inside of us, internal world).

Instinctively I know what needs to be right in my space.

But I don’t always respect that knowing. Sometimes I try to logic my way out of that knowing.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Mysteries Of Laundry.

There is no washing machine at the dome (there was and now there is not, long story), and so far have been keeping up on hand-washing, but at a certain point there will need to be a washing of things like sheets and blankets, jeans and sweaters, and I have no plan for that yet.

Day 18 of Isolation. Currently my plan is waiting as long as possible, then visit a laundromat armed with gloves and homemade hand sanitizer, and then presumably head right back into quarantine because laundromats are kind of gross under the best of circumstances.

Laundry is kind of a proxy-worry for the many unsolvable mysteries, but the good thing about a proxy-worry is that if I can find a solution for it, that solution will apply to lots of other things.

And if I can’t find a solution, I can keep asking for one, or seek a solution for something else, all mysteries are related, this will be solved.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Possible Futures, many meanings to those two words combined.

Mostly trying to imagine some positive outcomes and the superpower of Good Surprises, but also thinking about a lot of ways things could go, and how to adapt.

Certainly my industry (hosting retreats) no longer exists, and many other industries will no longer exist. It’s quite possible that there won’t be yoga studios, or at least those that exist in physical space, or gyms or hair salons or many in person places at all, there will be new forms and new solutions we haven’t thought of yet.

Very excited for silver hair to be in fashion. Very excited to find out what my new job will be and how it will work. Haha understatement.

Can we concentrate hard and hold hands and skip over to a parallel reality where some of these mysteries have been joyfully solved?

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Getting Lost.

Whenever I get lost, I pay close attention to every detail of my surroundings.

That’s because I like to imagine (or pretend?) that a me from a parallel life will need this information some day, and I want to remember it for them, I want them to be able to draw on the good fortune of this moment of lost right now.

They’ll be like, oh right there’s the post office, that was already in my mental map.

Yup, because I put it there! High five, Havi from other dimensions, past, future, parallel, I love you babe, hope you find what you’re looking for, I’m rooting for you, always.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about the words TAKE NOTE.

They are on the cover of a notebook that I never use, I put it in the spot where I do my morning and evening practice, because I always wanted to jot down a reminder note for later, but now that it lives there, I do not take notes.

Among the many mysteries: let us take note of the not-taking-note.

Take note like LET US MARK THIS MOMENT, take note like hey let’s write this down and then it is a spell, take note like okay, let us observe what is.

Let’s take note. What’s true and what’s also true? What is Known? A lot of unknowns, and that’s real and that’s a lot, but what is known?

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Fog Clearing.

For the first week of Quarantine, I was lost in the foggiest fog and so was nearly everyone I know.

I have so many useful Fog Clearing techniques that are really essential to self-fluency skills, because goodness it is so easy to get caught up in external fog. Anyway, had been thinking I would write something about that for you and then I didn’t.

Then yesterday the fog came back, in the form of a day that was entirely made of molasses but the molasses was made of kryptonite.

And now I am out of the fog, which is a delight, and I am pondering if I want to write out some techniques for people or do a brief class, but thinking I need to take time with that and maybe gather powers and encouragement, because my What’s The Point monsters are very loud at the moment.

Hopelessness and fog go together. Taking breaths for Wild Clarity, Seeing Through, Remembering Truth. We got this. Fog is temporary, like so many things.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Noon Reset, this is something my friends and I have been doing to interrupt fog patterns, and this is something I could write about too.

Noon Reset is still happening at noon, though now we are resetting every two hours at least, because tremendous times requires tremendous everything. Don’t they though.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Amends, and how they are different from regrets.

A lot has happened in the past sixteen years since this business came into being. A lot of astonishingly beautiful things and also a lot of sad things, and just a lot, in general. Life is tumultuous, especially right now.

Friendships have ended, I have made choices I regret, and said words I wish I had not said. This is what I was writing about when I stopped being able to write.

I am thinking about how to make amends, and what this means and the forms it could take, and actually this is not new, this has been the main theme on my mind over the last two years at least. There isn’t a way to right wrongs, but there is a way to apologize.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Roll Call / Role Call, which is how I begin my Monday Meetings with my Incoming Selves and my projects.

Who is here? What roles are here for me? What are we here for?

I gather with my selves: me of right now, me of next week, Hard Femme Hellcat M, The True Assassin, The Desert Sorceress, and the projects which right now are all going by acronyms.

We gather and I skip a stone for us, asking a question by dropping it into the water, and each of us answers or channels a response.

Hellcat M reminded me that I once made a reflecting collage that had the most marvelous clue: Your Specialty Glow Flash, Your Famous (Fill In The Blank)

What is my famous Fill In The Blank? Maybe that’s a question for the next meeting.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Good Fortune, and all the ways that I am tremendously fortunate right now in my quarantine, in addition to all the many magic beans of white cis abled privilege which make my life easier, in all ways and especially now.

Fortune that I already often spend long chunks of time in isolation, I am used to this, I have trained for this, I already know how to make one hug last two weeks.

Fortune that my backyard is hundreds of acres of state land with endless trails to follow if I wish to be outdoors and meander without seeing other humans.

Fortune that my windows feature gorgeous views of ocotillo and prickly pear and agave, and light on the mountains. I am visited daily by road runners, bunnies, quail.

The bobcat visits at night and leaves me loving gifts in the form of poop statues by the front door, my precious baby is an artist.

Fortune in the form of the absolutely lovely community of wise and fun people who hang out here and work with the concepts I write about, I adore and appreciate all of you.

I play the game of what fantastic unexpected luckiness, and it helps.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Hardships, both real and perceived, real and remembered, past and present, and the variety of ways that quarantine is hard for me, in general and right now.

In addition to the loss of my job and loss of income (all retreats canceled, and I needed to refund so many people at once, glowing a loving thank you everyone who is still waiting patiently, I appreciate you more than I can say, and we are going to solve this!), there are other challenges.

Okay so right now I don’t particularly feel like writing about them, in part because we all have our big challenges right now and in part because it just feels so vulnerable, but yeah, they exist, and each day I have to talk my way through, and remind myself of the bigger truths.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Sharing (all meanings, sharing like in kindergarten, sharing of ourselves, sharing resources, sharing by showing up for each other with presence, empathy and endless sparklepoints), and how we are all in this.

I am thinking about how I can best be of service.

And I am thinking about how life circumstances right now are asking us to get very creative and agile, while at the same time be able to calm ourselves down enough to focus on the creative and agile solutions that are still incoming.

This is where self-fluency is so useful, the ability to recognize monsters, to lovingly speak truth to fear, to take exquisite care of ourselves, to soothe past versions of us who have forgotten that Now Is Not Then, and so on.

Doing the work, because the work works, and we get to make it playful too.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about the Steadiness of Ritual.

In early September, my incoming selves got VERY serious about morning and evening practice. They wanted it to start on time. They wanted it to be consistent and to follow a sequence that I would be able to remember.

They were very clear that I should not be depending on mood or youtube or a teacher. They wanted me to show the fuck up and do my practice, in a way that required no thought or planning, nothing other than being there.

Some days I’d be like, come onnnnn, can we just go into the city and take a yoga class with someone please? And they were really clear that this was not the way.

They kept saying, Listen, you need the skill and the stamina of a consistent home practice, of being unwavering in your practice, you need to prioritize this and not let anything else come first.

And so that was weird. Until now.

The easiest part of quarantine has been my morning and evening practice, because those were already solidly in place.

And I will be very honest, these stabilizing practices are keeping me from being a total mess. I held the ritual, and now ritual is holding me.

(Sidebar!)

Obviously everything changes and everything is allowed to change, I am not advocating a formal restrictive practice with lots of rules. I am just noticing how I am being held right now by my movement practice.

I am thinking about

I am thinking about Companionship and Community and conscious intentional forms of Interdependence, and what a big deal this all is, especially when we are isolating, but really always.

The way we can glow for each other, conjure sparklepoints together, call in/up/on superpowers together, do things with intention, even when we are alone, we are doing our alone things for the collective, for each other.

Isn’t that magnificent? It cheers me up to think about it.

It means so much to me that you are here, that we are thinking these thoughts together and in relationship (as in: I think my thoughts in my ways, you think your thoughts in your ways, we are equal, we are in an ongoing relationship with our own process).

Anyway, I am glad you’re here. We’re not alone in this. We are breathing breaths and channeling superpowers for ourselves and each other, in connection.

Come play with me!

You are welcome to play with me in the comments, maybe you would also like to do a round or many rounds of the not-a-prompt of I Am Thinking About, or maybe you want to share anything sparked for you from reading this, or maybe you just want to keep me company.

Which is awesome, because again, I have not seen a human in eighteen days and I could use all the company.

I am wishing ease for you, and lightness and joyful realizations. Thank you for being here with me while we figure things out together.

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