Friday chicken

Reflecting on both the hard and the good parts in the week that was…

It is Friday and we are here.

{a breath for Friday, for this space, for being here when we get here.}

I realized this week that it seems kind of weird to say Chicken 366 as if we are assigning a number to a being, when in fact it is the 366th week that we are engaging in a process. So. Experiments in title format.

What worked this week?

Having a PROTOCOL.

When I found myself surrounded by internal monster-hordes at five am, all shouting reasons to not skip trapeze class, but also reasons about why going would be disastrous, I didn’t know what to do.

I couldn’t hear what I really wanted or needed. It was kind of terrifying.

But then I remembered the PROTOCOL: Apply Extreme Self-Care Immediately!

So I went back to bed, and slept for three delicious hours in a cocoon of sweet healing permission, and when I woke up, I knew that not going to trapeze was the most loving and respectful thing I could have given my body that day.

Ah, that’s why there’s a protocol. Even if, in the moment when I remembered the protocol, it felt vague and fuzzy and I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant. I was still able to ask, “How do I best take care of myself?”. So here’s to protocols, and all the superpowers of intentionally and powerfully Going Back To Bed.

Next time I might…

Not let the monsters write the titles to my blog posts.

I want to apologize to you guys. Last week I wrote a chicken called “Joining the circus is not a viable option”. And I was completely wrong.

That was my monsters writing the title, and we had a good meeting, and they have now retired from all forms of copywriting.

There are so many wonderful ways that I was wrong!

For one thing, a friend of mine told me that she had directed her friend to this blog, and then her friend decided to quit their job and JOIN AN ACTUAL CIRCUS. Wow! Can you even imagine the joy and wild delight I feel at having even theoretically played a tangential part in this marvelous and inspiring story?!

And then Vicki commented that her brother had joined the circus even though he couldn’t trapeze, and he fed the elephants. She pointed out that not everyone in the circus performs — you can cook, you can do maintenance, you can contribute, there are LOTS of ways to join the circus.

Of course! I was just in a state of self-directed monstering, and also suffering from the cultural thing about how you supposedly have to (especially if you’re a woman) be self-deprecating and self-critical all the time. What a great reminder that my monsters don’t get to title my posts.


And the title of my upcoming Biopic if it were based on this week…

Oh, cool! What else might I be wrong about? The Havi Brooks Story.

If you feel drawn to leave comments on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles, I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are appreciated. Hearts or pebbles are great if you don’t know what to say, often I don’t know what to say either so we’re in the same boat.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. I don’t think my body has ever hurt so much as it did after trapeze. All week. So many unhappy muscles! I got emergency massage and emergency Feldenkreis and spent ninety minutes in a floatation tank, and still could barely even dress myself this week. Between the physical discomfort and the frustrations of learning to love my unique pace of learning, it was rough. A breath for easing and releasing, the theme of this year.
  2. My lover is a natural athlete who just launches himself into any new challenge with grace, agility and fearlessness. Oh, and then immediately excels at it. Racing motorcycles, breakdancing, parkour, whatever — if it’s impossible and terrifying, he’s good at it. I admire this tremendously! And I had Ludicrous Fear Popcorn all week because now he knows I cried my way through remedial trapeze, while not physically able to get on the trapeze. Clearly (say the monsters), he will want to trade me in for someone much more impressive/courageous. One assumes this imaginary upgraded version of me is a successful hip hop dancer who does extreme triathlons for fun and rides a unicycle to her incredibly meaningful job. A breath of love for small me who forgets how to trust life and stirs imaginary comparison stew. And a breath of laughter, because while Ludicrous Fear Popcorn is always legitimate, it is also always ludicrous and therefore funny.
  3. The third or fourth heat wave of the summer. Enough is enough. A breath for taking this as a Redirection. Let’s find somewhere to live that is not 102 degrees Fahrenheit (39 Celsius), because that is too much. Or, alternately, let’s find somewhere with air conditioning.
  4. Oh, the patterns. Oh, the stew-stirring. Oh, the forgetting to be gentle with myself. As I said last week: Loving yourself as you are is not for the faint of heart. A breath of deep permission and acknowledgment for being who I am, as I am, where I am, right now, in this moment, with all that this entails.
  5. Lots of trouble (or the perception of trouble!) with accessing my True Yes this week. A breath for trust and for reducing input.
  6. Oh hello, late thirties monster-driven identity crisis: What do I want to be doing? Where do I want to be doing it? A breath for all the big questions, and for not needing answers yet, and for taking exquisite care of myself while I explore.
  7. Taking care of my body with its aches and pains and [alternatively-abled learning] is expensive and time-consuming, and I just want to hide in a lovely bath and not have to do anything or worry about anything, and just watch cop shows and eat peanut butter. A breath for this wish.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. I said this last week and I will say it again: I am the bravest person in the entire world! I recovered from TRAPEZE! I spent ninety minutes floating in a dark isolation tank! I went to the super hard hip hop class that is supposedly easy but it isn’t! I told people what I wanted and needed! I tried new things! I went back to bed! A breath for saying GOOD JOB, BABE.
  2. My big wish/intention this week was I Advocate For Myself Joyfully! And I did. And amazing things happened as a result. I was able to give people really specific information about how I learn, what I need, how they could help. And instead of thinking that was incredibly annoying (which was the monster-fear), they were delighted to have that information. A breath for radical honesty, radical sovereignty, and for the magic of what is supportive for me is actually good for everyone involved.
  3. My beautiful lover, who somehow just radiates warm, sweet loving acceptance towards me at all times. And thinks I’m brave. Go figure. We are sweet and hot and magical together, and I feel this intense spilling-over-of-joy when I think about him or feel him thinking about me. A breath for this full and happy heart, and immense gratitude for this thing I didn’t even know I wanted.
  4. Somehow everything that needed to get done this week got done. It seemed impossible but it happened. I credit the Monster Manual, which helped with everything, and the Secret S-Word Society. Oh, and the Sail of YARD got canceled due to rain, and that turned out to be perfect, because it allowed me to discover that this had not been my true yes. A breath of wonder and thank you.
  5. So much joy and healing and joyful healing this week! I explored mysteries! I had beautiful dreams and extraordinary naps. I uncovered memories in the floating tank and in hypnosis (which is its own kind of floating tank), and understood things I hadn’t understood before. I learned about my body and about next steps, and practiced Wild Uninhibited Gentle Self-Forgiveness. I felt immense gratitude for Shmita where I am committed to giving myself the time to just be instead of making and doing. A breath for the fruits of Quiet Undoing.
  6. Had an absolutely phenomenal dance lesson where I got to practice being a Relaxed Panther, which is my new favorite thing. A breath for receiving this treasure in the moment I was ready to receive it.
  7. This was, again, and I don’t even know how this is happening, just a beautiful week for me. I felt light, bubbly, joyful, hopeful, full of life and aliveness. A breath of immense appreciation for all of this.
  8. Thankfulness. So much is good. Lovely glass bottle. Favorite rug. Marisa texted me from the Land of Math. I remembered that Asking For What I Want is a huge success, whether I get it or not. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!

Operations completed. Wham boom!

Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code meaning: this thing is done! Shortened to wham-boom.

I took exquisite care of myself. I planned a secret op. I heard and asked (and even answered) the scary questions. Calling that a successful mission, and I now award myself a hundred billion sparklepoints. Wham Boom.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I wished for the superpower of Releasing In Love Because I Do Everything From Love. And, incredibly enough, this is exactly what happened.

I also had the superpower of catching an unlikely bus, make of that what you will.

Powers I want.

I want the superpowers of Beautifully Anchored, Deeply Trusting, and, of course, I am a Powerful Slinky Very Relaxed Panther.

The Salve of Radical Self-Acceptance or: Me As I Am.

These invisible salves are distributed here by way of internet magic. Help yourself! Take it in a bath, as tea, a cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

So often I find myself wishing I was something I’m not (someone who would want to hang upside down from silks, or go backpacking in the mountains for ten days), and I forget that what I REALLY want in life is to love who I am, how I am, as I am, and not try to wish myself into being someone or something else.

When you rub this salve into your skin, there is a tingling peppery-sweet something, and then you are in this moment, meeting yourself, and suddenly noticing and appreciating all the lovely bits about your you-ness, your suchness.

You hug yourself tightly and say “hey, babe, here we are, I’m not going anywhere, I’m with you for this wild ride, and you, as you are, you are good and you held in love by me, right now and always.”

Or maybe what you say is different, and said in an entirely different way! People Vary and you are your own person. That’s just what this salve glowed through me. Whatever it glows through you will be good too.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

This week’s band is from me trying to high five my brother via text, which didn’t work at all. The band is called HUGH FIVE. They are a five piece doo wop band composed of Hugh Grant impersonators who do sort of an awkward british take on the Jackson Five. They do solo scat bits that are basically just shy self-deprecating stammering to a beat. Their latest album is I Just David Copperfielded Myself. And not sure how this works, but it is just one guy.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS. Special CARE PACKAGES this week!

The marvelous Monster Manual is how I got through this week and was able to hear my YES again.

And if you want, you can get this with a Fluent Self Care Package, because I just made two Care Packages on the theme of Everything Is Okay.

They contain clues, Marvelous Reassurance, at least one squooshy companion for whatever you’re working on, and inspiring, calming Playground goodness. They should help very much with whatever you’re working on. And you get either the Monster Manual & Coloring Book (basic version) or the Art of Embarking course, whichever you like. That way you have techniques along with Playground magic.

Price: $76 for care package and ebook/course. I will cover shipping in the continental United States, otherwise ask the First Mate for a shipping estimate. Either way, email the First Mate if you want one!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

The Fluent Self