very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal!

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

Here we are. Week 320 of wishing. Welcome. Let’s do this. ♡

Standing in my strength.

I want to stand in my strength.

I want to do this cleanly, easily, powerfully. With presence.

And, when appropriate, with warmth.

I want to stand in my strength, fully self-contained, at ease in myself and at home in the world. Conscious and free.

Like the most nonchalant panther. Like the steadiest and most loving tree.

How’s that for a big wish.

How did I get here?

This past week has been all about challenges to my boundaries, which you could also call opportunities to stand up for myself, speak my truth, and adjust my crown.

I was sitting on my couch yesterday, feeling both frustrated about how not fun this is, and baffled by why all of a sudden I’m being put through sovereignty bootcamp, because I didn’t remember signing up for this.

Except it’s on the calendar.

In that moment, I looked up at the Fluent Self calendar on the wall and realized this is actually the perfect time to be learning and re-learning these skills.

This the last week of the month of Trust More, and when I flipped the page to peek at what’s next, here’s what I found in September, the month we’re about to enter:

Stand in My Strength More. Superpower: Fearless Intentional Choosing.

Yeah! Oh, and the image on the calendar is a crown.

As my brother says, “I stand by my “wow!”.

So. Here we are.

And how convenient is it that the thing I want most right now also just so happens to be what past-me put on the calendar for me.

This is the transition time. The bridge.

So this is a wish about easing into standing in my strength. It is a wish to learn more about the relationship between trust and sovereignty.

It is a wish about taking everything I have been learning about trust — trusting my instincts, trusting the ground, trusting my ability to advocate for myself, trusting my ability to hear and receive my decisions — and letting that be the new foundation for standing in my strength.

What does it mean to stand in my strength?

To be like a bridge, to be able to sway and withstand earthquakes and high winds through being able to move with them instead of tensing against them.

In a way, it’s like TRE (Trauma/Tension Releasing Exercises). Trembling and tremoring your way into stability. Seems so counter-intuitive, but when you can release, you are more stable.

So this standing in my strength is not locked down. It is soft and pliable. It is aikido. It is the essence of be like water.

It is grounding and freedom. It is grounded freedom.

What do I know about standing in my strength?

I have seemingly endless Ludicrous Fear Popcorn and monsters about this.

So let’s just name the fears, and ask Wisest Me to remind me of the truth here, we can process this more later. I am feeling afraid that if I stand in my strength…

What am I afraid might happen?

Fear: Maybe people will misunderstand me and be hurt and offended.

Wisest-Me: Maybe. Not likely, because staying grounded will help us with clear, clean, compassionate communication.

If they do misunderstand though, that’s their stuff. It’s not our job to protect other people from feeling their feelings, it’s their job to work through their reactions. Our job is to be a clear, resonant bell, a conduit for source: to fill up on and radiate love and steady truth. It is safe for us to trust our kindness and good intentions.

Fear: Maybe people will want to test me all the time.

Wisest-Me: Right now they’re doing that anyway. And maybe when we are standing in our strength, they’ll realize they’re wasting their time.

Fear: Maybe people will envy me or hate me.

Wisest-Me: Maybe. Again, their stuff. Not ours. And: maybe you’ll be a beacon for them, bringing more light to all the ways it is possible to be in the world, maybe you’re blazing a trail that lots of amazing people are looking for.

Fear: I don’t really know what I’m afraid of, I just have this uh oh feeling about being that powerful and glowing that hard.

Wisest-Me: Mmmmm. That sounds very reasonable and understandable, given that our entire culture has socialized us to turn down our glow, because it doesn’t serve the structures/powers that be to have people being true to themselves.

That’s why investigating our wishes and getting close to desire is such a deeply subversive practice. This vague fear of “this is something we shouldn’t be doing” is actually Internalized Oppression.

So let’s remember that internal decolonizing is hard work. Just doing things like owning a company and being the one in charge and writing wishes, all of this is already going against our lineage, training, the brain-washing of our entire energy system, everything we’ve been told in life.

How do I feel thinking about this?

Stronger, actually.

What will help me with this wish.

I think all the things I am already doing to support the August mission of Trust More.

Rest, taking exquisite care of myself, listening to my small desires, creating safety for myself, advocating for what I need, especially when it comes to how I learn.

More pausing. More listening. Reducing input. Reducing visual noise.

Reflecting on my day and noticing what is upsetting me, if I am stirring any stew pots and making stew I don’t need. These are places that need me in my strength.

Asking for help, and calling on allies in all forms. For example, people in the dance community who also care about changing the culture. And also allies in the forms of qualities, superpowers, the secret salves that we invent here.

What else is this wish about?

It’s time to learn how to unapologetically take up space. It’s time to be way more at home in myself.

This is the intersection of Trust More and Stand In My Strength More.

Anything else important here?

Anything can be a bridge. And I live in a city whose nickname is Bridgetown. I want to keep noticing all the support there is in crossings!

Invitation.

You are invited to share many !!!!!! about my wishes and realizations here, to share anything sparked for you while reading, to say “oh wow, what beautiful wishes” to me and to each other, to wish your own wishes.

I will also take all forms of EXCITEMENT and GLADNESS for this particular wish, and also clues if you have any, or good wishes if you don’t!

Now.

I am sitting in a favorite cafe that I haven’t visited in a year and a half, because it is the regular neighborhood cafe of my ex’s sister and her wife, and I don’t want to run into the ex or to be in a situation where I need to engage with that.

But it is a favorite place, and it’s where I want to be, and all week I have been working with the themes of Taking Up Space and insisting on supportive environments for me.

And this space is full of comfort and full of clues — in the name which is about both trees and homes, in the music playing, in the beautiful art (yes, watercolors of bridges), in the warm smiles that are here for me.

And I am thinking about [birds and trees], and how Portland, a place I have extremely mixed feelings about, is the city of trees, and also the city best known for Put A Bird On It. And how it is a port for sailing and it is land for landing.

It is good to be here right now.

May I always be able to say that about wherever I am, and if it’s not true, may I stand in my strength and hear the call of my best exit.

What does Slightly Future Me have to say?

Ze: How perfect that the superpower of August is Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil, which turned out to be the secret to being Beautifully Anchored, and now that is what allows us to stand in our strength. Look at all the wonder that surrounds us. Endless overflowing gratitude for life! And for you, and this process which is bringing you towards me. Process is our bridge.
Me: Haha! Wishing is our bridge! Our wish-bridge! I am so excited to meet you and be you.
Ze: I know! Me too! Our whole collective of wiser selves who already know how to stand in strength are right here with me, we are all cheering you on and glowing courage/encouragement for you. Heart-heart!

Clues.

The logo of the brand of coffee sold at this tree cafe has a bird on it.

The superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.

August - Trust MoreJune was RELEASE MORE, with the superpower of I am stronger than I think, and July was LOVE MORE, because this is a badass way to live.

Now we are in TRUST MORE, with the superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.

Trust is how I am going to find my way into strength, and standing in it.

Trusting that I have this strength already, trusting that I know how to stand in it, trusting that the world can handle me in this beautiful state, trusting that there is room for me, trusting that doing this benefits everyone I encounter. May it be so.

Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…

Nap, dance, write, play, labyrinths. Get quiet. Sweet pauses, yes to red lights and purple pills, thank you to the broken pots. Costume changes. Skip stones. Body first. Thank you in advance. Eight breaths in eight directions:

Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week aka Round house… ohmygod.

First I realized that I’d been unintentionally proxying two other situations in my life, without even realizing it. Reading what I had written about round houses showed me that I already had received my answers to situations I thought were baffling me.

Then a series of coincidences led me to search for a small unmarked studio. It was tiny and all white and reminded me of Berlin, and taking up most of the space was a geodesic dome. A round house!

How’s that for a clue? You can build a circle inside of a square!

My mission for that day had been Oh How Big I Glow, and so it is very interesting that I ended up having an aura photo taken. Do you see? My aura is a round house. I had a photograph of my round house — my own personal always-round always-house round house — inside of a round house!

Oh, and also a possibility opened up vis a vis an actual tiny round house for me. Wow.

Thank you, process of writing about wishes. Thank you, me who asked.

Ongoing Wishes. Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I claim my superpowers. Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more.

Keep me company! Or just say hi!

You can deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, seeds, secret agent code, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.

Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox