very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 380th week of wishing, come play!

Say what you want to say…

That is the song playing right now.

Say what you wanna say /
And let the words fall out /
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Honestly I want to see myself be brave.

Say what you want to say and say what you want.

This is how the song goes in my mind.

What do I want?

I have been less than honest with myself lately, maybe always, both about yeses and about lots of things.

I have been upset with other people for not sharing with me what they want or how they feel but I have also been keeping my cards close to my heart, and then sometimes even forgetting to look to see what my cards are to begin with, it’s been so long since I looked at them….

What do I want?

Beautiful Clarity. Wild Clarity. Trust in my clarity.

Quiet. Freedom. Quiet Freedom. Out under the stars. Deep healing sleep.

But mainly I want to keep being present with my cards, checking in with my current yes.

Am I following the path of now-yes, or am I taking long, winding, not-particularly-fun detours related to yeses that past-me set into motion, and somehow I got distracted by life and neglected to alter my course. Ah, of course, this is about intention and trajectory.

What do I want?

I want to be someone who sets clear, loving, sweet expectations with everyone in my life. I want to say hey let’s put cards on the table, let’s be warm and honest and vulnerable about true yes in this moment.

I want to release expectations and assumptions. Conclusion jumping is the most dangerous sport in the world, and I feel upset when people I love partake in it, but to be fair to them — and to myself, I need to permanently quit too.

What do I want?

A new way.

Do I know what I mean by this?

Yes: A new way (or possibly many new ways) of communicating what I want, of being beautifully clear.

Is there anything else I mean by this?

Yes: More time communing with the yeses, finding out more about what is true yes, what is 120% yes, what thrills me and calls my name.

Is there anything else I mean by this?

Yes. But I don’t know how to describe it yet.

A new way of everything, maybe. I will know more about this later. For now, this is more like a clue about clues to come.

What do I want?

A new metaphor.

What do I want?

Less is more.

Well, sometimes less is more. Other times less is clarity. Other times less is just right. Either way, I want to practice Do Less and Choose Ease. I want to remove distractions.

What do I want?

To keep asking this question until I know.

What do I want?

To be out in quiet peaceful places, writing, in happy connection with fun playful people, creating. Trusting the process of life and taking joy in being alive.

What do I want?

Some goals in the form of secret missions.

And to go wild with proxy missions, following all the rabbit holes.

For example, yesterday I was imagining what it would be like to run a retreat center in Bliss, Idaho, because who doesn’t want to come hang out in a state of bliss?

Clues about what I want…

  1. Phoenix rising from the ashes. Aka sometimes letting it all burn to the ground is a good thing.
  2. I had a dream that Vanna White came to visit me and she told me I was beautiful. Best dream ever.
  3. Lady K of the Jewels said something about how in order to achieve [Thing X] that I strive for, first you have to become a walking fuck-you to the rigged game. I used to be that, and then I forgot how. Time to remember.
  4. All week long I have been asking people how they feel, meaning: emotions, when to me it is very obvious that this is the context, and they have been responding with answers about their physical environment or how tired they are, and it is time to ask a different question, or to ask the same question in a new way.

Superpowers

I watched all the Cubs vs Dodgers games in Los Angeles, surrounded by Dodgers fans.

As you might imagine, I am always happy to watch the Dodgers suffer humiliating loss, in addition to being thrilled to see the Cubs finally make it to the World Series. And so I was completely charmed and surprised when the series ended and the bar full of Dodgers fans applauded the Cubs for winning. Their team lost and they applauded. I’ve never seen anything like that before. It was beautiful.

Here’s to the superpower of applauding the outcome, even when it isn’t what you want.

I also want the superpower of entirely new levels of DNGAF, and the related power of Saying What I Want Even If It Scares Me, and the related power of treating myself like I am a wild wonderful genius worthy of being cherished, may it be so.

Anything else?

Yes. Maybe this is a clue too. Or maybe it is more like a theme.

I own two lipsticks. One I lost almost immediately after acquiring it, as if being instructed to go with deep bold red and not screw around with being sweet and pink, because now is not the time for that.

After I made peace with bold red intensity, my friend found my other lip color under her couch. Time to make peace with the bold intense things and then trust.

Or to trust, and then be bold and intense. Something like that. Maybe that is another form of say what you want to say.

may it be so!

Centered

months-October-VPA-2016
This is the month of Centering, with the superpower of Delicious Space, and I am returning to what centers me by asking what I want.

And actually you might say that being curious about what I want and need, as a life practice, is a form of making room for delicious space.

Thank you, past-me, for naming the month for me.

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a very long wish called new breath / new air to breathe, and now I am out of Los Angeles and out of a ridiculous misunderstanding and out of all kinds of things, and this is good.

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

we remember that people vary and my wishes don’t have to be yours, each process is unique, and this is a good thing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes