Say no more (story hour)

Over the past months in the desert, my car has gotten dustier and dustier, and when I do curbside pickup and have to identify my car, I say it’s dusty, and the person I’m speaking to says SAY NO MORE, I SEE YOU.

This week I finally got around to figuring out how my mini vacuum cleaner works, and gave star car a thorough interior gleaming, and then figured MIGHT AS WELL take care of the outside too, and drove across town to that one car wash where everyone is in a mysteriously good mood.

“Spa day for star car!”, I sang to my car. That’s the entire song, but I sing it to her when we are going through the car wash, both to calm myself down and to remind my car that she is loved, and that we are doing this in service of Freshness and Shininess and other spiritual-magical qualities that we want to be reminded of.

Anyway, I got back to the casita and it immediately began to rain, and then it rained on and off for two days. So I didn’t need to go to the car wash, but also I did, you know? I don’t know if I can explain it better than that, but that was basically the theme of my week.

Things were stuck until they weren’t, and then when they were unstuck, everything else flowed in such a way that I didn’t really need to do that work of unsticking to begin with, but also all timing is right timing, and no effort is wasted, and it’s all connected, and things get clean in the time that they get clean, and so on. And so we breathe through it and sing a little song.

Weekend Check-in, we made it.

Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, but another form of remembering, turning inward with attentiveness.

We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.

Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.

If I neglect to name something big in the world, could be ADHD but also I’m on an extended news break after spiraling hard.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO and THING ONE remain the combination of the pandemic and the dissonance, no shared reality, no shared context, re the coronavirus, though also in the political and also re climate change, it’s kind of all blurring together to me, it’s hard to remember who I can talk to and who I don’t trust anymore.

I said this last week, and I still think this: The pandemic has been so revealing and so clarifying, and that’s maybe the most diplomatic thing I can say about it, but one of the main things it has revealed and clarified is how many people I know (and thought I admired and respected) who view my life as expendable, and seemingly view most lives as expendable. Or maybe they don’t think about my life at all, and they just do what they do, but I don’t like it. It’s embarrassing and infuriating that we couldn’t get it together in the most minimal way to protect each other.

Other than that, kind of in and out of moods, and extremely exhausted.

When I finally got to the new place, I slept for ten hours straight and then spent the next two days napping, binging netflix, pacing, and staring into space. There might be more of that. It’s been a lot. Everything has been a lot.

Skipped sun salutations twice this week because the thought of moving at all was more than I could take.

I suddenly have multiple options for safe places to stay this summer which is exciting, but also like, where were these options when I had to move eleven times in a month?????

What else? So. Much. Anger. Just rage-fury-pain at the world and my world, and a world of memories. I am pacing and crying and taking dance breaks and just feeling everything the way I feel everything.

Also I really need a hug, and someone to talk to please, and we are still in a pandemic so there is still no way to do anything about either of those things, they remain wish-hopes, and I wish-hope for things to change.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

I gathered forces and found a new safe house and made it there safely and I get to stay for an entire month. The last time I was somewhere for a month was last June. I almost don’t know how to handle this feeling, what is this, sanctuary, relief, hope.

Listening to music I haven’t heard in twenty years and some of the memories are sad, but so many are wonderful. Dance dance dance, keep dancing.

I have been making really fantastic meals for myself, which is the goal: Delicious Food, Beautiful Plated, Just For Me. This has been so hard for me in the past — I love to make meals for someone, and the idea that actually I am that person who is deserving of the kind of meals I can make, is blowing my mind.

Made deliveries of dessert to two people and they were both very happy with the surprise treats, and I was happy with their happiness.

Despite all the pressure I feel to Solve All The Mysteries, Close All The Doors, and generally get things off my list as fast as possible, I have been trying to practice compassion and go slow, aka let the pace be the pace.

Visited one of the places where I might be this summer, and it was beautiful and peaceful. Made friends with some donkeys and a horse and a very sweet dog.

It snowed on the mountains which is extremely unusual for March, and then I saw two rainbows. Big change, big hope. Clues everywhere.

I was feeling so foggy and lost, and then Incoming Me said, babe you’re a sorceress, please act like it, and I snapped out of it and went back to making things extra-magical, infused with intention, playful, delicious, unexpected, in the ways that I know how, even when I forget.

Delicious things remain delicious. Vengeance remains a truly excellent and exalted pursuit that brings me joy. Legs up the wall remains a perfect way to spend an evening.

Thank you again so much to everyone who sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, it is always welcome and received with love, and if I can land in a place, which is the wish-goal of wish-goals, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,

The Fluent Self