very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 335th consecutive week of wishing, come play!

meaning

my love for double-meanings is well-documented
and here we have a triple-meaning
rooting for love

  • rooting like searching/digging
  • rooting like grounding/anchoring
  • rooting like cheering for and cheering on, being an ally

let’s look at these

(1) rooting for love in all the wrong places…?

the idea of searching for love is funny
because the moment I begin to dig for it
is the moment after the moment
of forgetting that it lives within me
and is already here
in my heart and my heart-breath

so the search isn’t so much a search as it is
a remembering
a revealing
a softening into what is there
and cannot ever be lost

if I think someone else
(for example, my beautiful lover who had to leave)
is the source of love for me
this is a very serious misunderstanding

go back to source

source is source
a person is not source, just a temporary delivery mechanism
glowing source-love for you

you might have to say goodbye to them
but you never have to say goodbye to source or source-love
you can always return to source

and even when yes, this particular delivery vehicle was
wildly sexy, endlessly sweet,
and even as I still lose myself in waves of sadness about this parting
love is not lost to me
love is mine
it is found at the source

in my heart and heart-breath
turning inward and remembering
breathing down to the root

see? back to the root in rooting for love

(2) rooting into love, into the earth

rooting as grounding
rooting as anchor
all the way down

being the tree whose roots go as deep into the earth
as the tree is tall above the earth
a mirror reflection of itself
and interconnected network of magic and connection

I used to not like rooting
it felt too much like stuck
and I wanted to be free (bird vs tree)

but now it feels peaceful and steadying
to come up from the earth and be wonderfully held

so when I root for love
(when I root, I root for…)
I am rooting myself, grounding myself into steadiness, for love
so that I can be more receptive to love
both the receiving and the glowing
glowing love in much the way that trees whisper love
if you pause to listen
or even if you don’t

my roots are love
and love is the root of my quiet revolution
(these are my roots)

(3) rooting for love, with pompoms

an aerobic cheer squad
cheering love on
wanting love to knock one out of the park
loving love no matter what the score
and so on

I am the ally of love
I am actively allying myself with love
we are in a love alliance
me and love, love and me
going on missions, having adventures, sailing off into sunsets
as the credits roll

what else is root

root like square root,
things that can be multiplied by themselves
like love, for example

root like root vegetables, which store energy
I am someone who usually needs to disperse energy,
but I like the idea of these grounded things
(bulbs and tubers) that contain enough for later
winter means warm delicious things roasting in the oven
crackling on their metal tray

up

I just looked up and straight in front of me
is a piece of art that used to live at my retreat center
it shows a tall sturdy tree with the most wildly colorful
multi-story treehouse in its branches

except the trunk of the tree is underwater
and appears to be growing out of a submarine
that rests on the sea floor

you get the sense that the submarine is moving
and it is not entirely clear how one is meant to
climb the ladder into the tree house
but it doesn’t matter
the image is buoyant and magical and sweet
it suggests a home you can carry with you
rooting like nesting

I want to carry my home with me

I want to carry my home with me
beautifully contained
be my own roots

as Agent Sloan said so perfectly
a travel nest is not like a turtle with a shell
it is contained spaciousness
that holds you for the duration of the voyage

like the box in the dream but not like the box in the dream

the box in the dream

nineteen years ago I moved across the world
for the first time (out of three, so far)
alone
petrified
deep in the uncertainty of the uncertainty

one night, not long before I embarked,
a dream: I was asleep inside of a long cardboard box
like a refrigerator box
not cramped at all, but not particularly spacious either
I was tucked into layers of patchwork quilts
which lined the inside of the box
and the box was sailing across the Atlantic Ocean
steering itself somehow

for a moment, inside the dream,
dream-me woke up, terrified
but then I noticed that I was not wet
the box was not sinking nor especially buffeted by the waves
and then D was there with me stroking my hair
and I immediately calmed, like drifting into a trance state
and fell asleep
soothed by the rise and fall rhythm of the water
and the knowledge that there was nothing for me to do
until I got to wherever the box was headed
completely peaceful

it was a beautiful dream

maybe even the best dream I’ve ever had
sometimes even now when I’m drifting off to sleep
I can conjure up that deep contentment;
that full body knowing that ALL IS WELL
in my sailing cardboard box of blankets
even if from the outside it looks precarious

a few weeks later D was in town
and I told him about the dream
he said of course
he said that before you move countries
it seems like stepping into a black hole
utter madness
but when you do it, you realize
it’s just walking through a door
and your life past the door is not really all that different
from your life prior to the door,
it’s just on the other side of the door now

it isn’t an abrupt stopping of how things are
it’s a continuation of how things are
with some new elements

root home

now I am getting ready to leave my home of the last
seven years
and my housemate of the last ten years
and I don’t know where I’m going

I know where I think I will be come summer
but in between is still a mystery
like a cardboard box boat on the ocean
and there is a lot of in between
stretching out

before my lover had to leave
we had sweet tentative growing-seed-plans for adventuring
all uprooted now

but those dreams were not (are not) source
source is in me
at the source
so I cannot lose my roots and my rootedness

I need an upgraded version of the cardboard box
something even better than a submarine treehouse
a portable round house
a root home

what does this look like

home on the road
home on the ocean
my roots with me
(for love)

the coziest caravan nest
but what do I know about this

a number of generous-hearted friends
who know my history
have offered me a guest room
or house-sitting or cat-sitting gigs
a few weeks here, a month there
my heart expands with love
I feel so fortunate
and so loved
(now is not then)

but I do not know what my cozy transitioning nest
looks like
let’s ask incoming me

she:

the more anchored you are in yourself
the easier this will be
breathe (down to the root)
say what you want
say what you really want

when you want travel choose travel
when you want hibernation, choose that
go deep in yourself and inquire about
which you might want when

listen (with great love) to your yes
and let it know that you will honor it
be ablaze with PRESENCE

and yes, back to beautiful less
because you need to be able to move
in great lightness

be your own home
be wildly at home
and trust the doors that welcome you
in this year of doors
which will echo and reverberate
welcoming

password: sweetdoors

what do I want?

I asked this question every day throughout my Shmita experiment
what do I want

I want to feel at home in myself and
at home in the world
I want a door that I can close and be
as alone as I need to be
and safe houses, internal and external

I want to dance-write-dream-rest
into clarity
and hear what is next

the coziest sweater
wonderful quiet
time to reflect
and remember
whispered truth in my body
reverberating and glowing

what do I know about my wish this week

it is a wish about the relationship between
being held (home) and being held (love) and being held (source)
and being for myself
rooting for myself,
do you see

and it is a wish about going all the way down
with incredible trust in
the grace of this experience

may it be so!

now

I am on the ocean
I am rooting for love
and soaking up sunshine energy to
store for later

breathing freedom
asking for the right doors to show themselves to me
asking for the me who knows how to say yes to one door
and no to another door
to come up from the root
strong and powerful and sure
with her superpower of easy relaxed sexy confidence
because she trusts the process of growing
and the process of surfacing
and she knows about treasure

superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises.

December - Treasure More december (on the 2015 fluent self calendar) is TREASURE MORE, with the superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises

I find it delightful
(this was completely unplanned)
that Operation Ruby Jewel
coincided with a month of treasure and treasuring

and I can feel last month’s powers of GLOW MORE
and not-dimming-my-spark
helping me learn what I need to learn
about the me who knows how to treasure things
and be treasured
and find the treasure

thank you, past-me, for putting this
on the calendar

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about reflecting, and what I want to reflect…

and now here I am on the water
the perfect place for reflecting
(both in the sense of ruminating and light hitting water)

rooting for love
and loving the roots
might even be the answer to the question of
what do I want to reflect

thank you, process of writing about wishes, and thank you, me who asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

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