I had a flash of a desire during my morning tête-à-tête with Incoming Me, something about renewing a ritual.

Tête-à-tête is my secret name for the time I take to sit and commune with Incoming Me for twelve minutes, some people refer to this contemplative sitting as meditation, my word is both funnier and feels more true somehow, but I am the Namer Who Names & Renames, and playing with words is often the only way I get things done.

Anyway, a glimpse of a wish, related to something we used to do here every week for many, many years called The Friday Chicken where we checked in with ourselves and our week, naming what was hard and what was good, to practice presence (and other good things) in community.

So let’s see how this feels. It’s been a lot, this first week of 2021, let’s breathe and feel into the moment, a quick scan of where are we, these are disorienting times, let’s ground down and down-regulate the nervous system.

Weekend. We made it. High fives all around and admiration (a whole parade if we want one), and some breaths.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

Obviously THING ZERO before all else, the ongoing unfolding terror of watching neo-nazis & pals storm the Capitol while their cop buddies invite them in. We knew this was coming, the writing was on the wall, and yet, somehow, still, it is something else to witness it. White supremacy at work is always grotesque, but this is a lot to take in even as I find myself surprised so many people are surprised when the game plan was known in advance. Anyway, hand on heart breaths for existing in this tumult, and separating from the anxiety soup of the collective.

Thing One is the dissonance, ongoing, the gap between realities, no consensus reality is exhausting and disorienting, a breath for the grief-rage and the perception that I can’t trust people around me to recognize an emergency. This is true for the pandemic and the political chaos, and I find Business As Usual stuff to be as irritating and challenging as The Many Bad Takes (and there are many, and they are bad!).

Thing Two is the missing, my hurting heart, I want an impossible want (a substantive apology from someone who hurt me, for starters), the only way to get my wish is to bathe myself in love until I can let it go.

Thing Three is the many unresolved items, tasks and mysteries, all in relation to the chaotic unknowns (when will a vaccine be on my radar, how can a transition of power work with no adults in the white house, etc).

Thing Four: moving is exhausting, and I am always doing it because of the no home thing (loading and unloading the car is my life right now), and this is especially not fun in a pandemic, this is part of the What Is of the moment. But hey, thanks to (jazz hands!) GENERATIONAL TRAUMA, at least I’m always half-packed…

Thing Five is big painful memories resurfacing, rediscovering old hurts that hurt somehow almost as much as in the moment even if the moment was seventeen years ago, and sometimes these realizations show up at 2am and then I am lost in a long Witching Hour of grief.

And Thing Six is realizing that if I want to be bathed in love and affection instead of waiting for crumbs, I have to do that for myself. I knew this, and writing it out makes it the most boring obvious epiphany of all time, but I was struck by the depth of the realization. This is all my job to hold myself in high regard and be that someone who loves me and treats me right, because no one else is going to do it.

Breaths of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy for the hard things being hard, recognition that they really are a lot.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • Thank you, pink light on the mountains
  • I asked for supportive solutions and they showed up, thank you, miracles.
  • Heroically dealt with a scary medical thing and it was okay, a trillion points to me.
  • Pleased to report I spent a shocking amount of this week reclined on the floor with legs up the wall, and wow was that ever the right choice for me while everyone was (understandably) spinning out.
  • I actually enjoyed my solitude this week instead of feeling desolate; a lovely change of pace.
  • Chanced death by going to see my chiropractor and good news, I am recovering well from my little car accident, and we laughed about funny things. (Mostly about STRETCHING: How dare it always work?! Rude!)
  • A new incoming self who showed up between solstice and new year’s is hilarious and fun. This is the me who excels at I Hold Myself In High Regard, while being That Bitch.
  • And a long-time wish came true: to plate my food beautifully even though it is just for me; less resistance to making things luscious and enticing even if no one else appreciates or even knows about it.
  • I had good dreams this week for the first time in a very long time. Feels important, like a sign that I am no longer clawing my way out of The Big Despair and have found my way to the forgotten path.
  • And oh Georgia, what a miracle and blessing, relief and joy about Senators Warnock and Ossoff, gratitude for Stacey Abrams and everyone who worked so hard to make this happen.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,

The Fluent Self