very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 332nd consecutive week of wishing, come play!

rest into…

this week’s wish involves some of my favorite things
delicious double meanings and puzzling clues from past-me
the pink post-it note from me-of-three-days-ago
holds only the title:

rest into clarity and the wild mysteries

am I to rest into the wild mysteries as well as into clarity?
or is resting into clarity the key to solving said wild mysteries
probably both
let’s find out what is in this wish
and welcome it by saying thank you in advance:

oh wow what a beautiful wish
(the fact that I don’t know what it is yet does not detract from its glow)

the labyrinth

I walked the labyrinth in Taos
asking to understand something about sovereignty
I got to the center
and the word there for me was REST

it wasn’t the word I wanted
but now it is
so let’s fill up on retroactive thank-you-heart of grace
for this treasure

rest is the first duty of the queen

a wise friend said that once
and I didn’t want to hear that either

though at this point in my life
I am 99% convinced that rest is not only
the first and most sacred duty of the queen,
it might even be the only duty of the queen
because really, everything-everything-everything comes from that

rest

when I am not rested, I think I need to make decisions
forgetting that I can get quiet and
receive-and-reveal the decisions that have already been made

this really only works when I am rested
because otherwise I follow the outside culture over the culture of my heart
and choose push more over release more

when I am not rested, I miss big clues
(even while tripping over them)
and forget about Now Is Not Then
I disconnect from myself
and mistake treasure for bad news

but mainly

when I am not rested
I forget how to rest
and when I forget how to rest
I get hijacked by Rebellious Me
who wants to lead the front of the V
and blow shit up
because she thinks that now is then

and how can I tend to my kingdom, my internal worlds,
meet myself and this moment with presence, curiosity and loving-kindness
if I am disconnected from my body,
from that calm steady wisdom that comes from
not being exhausted all the time

the question I asked and didn’t answer

in the deck of stone skipping cards
one card asks
“what do I know about the relationship between rest and sovereignty?”

I loved that question when I wrote it
and then hated it every single time I drew the card

which is fine

there are two schools of thought when it comes to pulling cards
one is “hey, you picked the card so it’s your card”
mine is “if it doesn’t spark something good, it’s not your card,
so maybe you picked someone else’s card or it’s a card for future you,
no worries, pick another card”

one day it was my card though
and I knew
rest is the prerequisite
rest is the door (or at least: one really good possible door)
rest is how you uncover

p.s. get a pack of cards and sign up for the not-a-course (password: sweetdoors)
p.p.s. rest that is motivated by guilt/shame is not the same as actual rest, the element of choosing towards rest is important here

what do I know about [REST + CLARITY]

rest into clarity
rest leads to clarity
resting is a form of clarity
rested-me has clarity
resting through clarity
resting from clarity
resting for clarity
resting is clearing
resting makes things clear
resting clears things up
resting clears things out
resting clears things away
resting is clear
rest is the door to clarity
the rest can be solved by clarity (double meaning)

release and reset, release and rest, release and be clear
clear like a bell

clues

I received some good clues on this in the form of
musical sparks from a wise Rally friend:

Rests are spaces in a sequence of musical beats.
Rests allow the pattern of beats to be clearly heard and felt.

A certain kind of musical rest indicates a pause before a new section of the music. It clarifies the end of one section and the start of the next. (Or of the rest!) Or, it may signal movement to a new version of a prior section.

In musical notation, a space-indicating rest has form, taking a specific shape indicating duration in the context of all the surrounding notes and beats. Paradoxically, the white spaces in musical notation are amorphous and have no duration at all.

There is an implied rest between each peal of a bell, even if not indicated in the music on the page, because of how bells operate. The reverberations of the peal continue through the rest, however.

Notes and rests on a page are like the Tao that can be described; tales we tell each other about the True Music, which is not in written form.

rest and reset

what Sue said about rests and pauses and bells
translates well to dance
in west coast swing it is the anchor that is the pause between
form and form, pattern and pattern,
the anchor is the sweet exhale and the waiting for the inhale
we call this moment kumbaka in yoga
the moment of blank mind, tabula rasa, detach, reset

anchor might be even better because it says:
GET GROUNDED, BE STEADY, BREATHE DOWN TO THE ROOT
and then the sexy part of swing of course is the way you
drift casually away from and back into that stopping point
swaying into the pause, softening into the connection

what do I know about the wild mysteries

the wild mysteries have to do with glowing boldly
and the superpower of
I DO NOT DIM MY SPARK FOR ANYONE

the wild sisters are versions of Incoming Me
there are three of them, each more wild than the next
their superpowers include wild confidence,
not caring what anyone else thinks,
choosing towards pleasure
unapologetically taking up space
filling up on joy and life
and overflowing with gratitude
because they never forget that this moment is treasure

what’s the mystery then

well, there is mystery in the sense of awe
mystery of immersion in qualities of spirit

and of course the mystery
of how do I soften into this Becoming
allowing their powers to become mine
meeting them on the bridge

and the mystery of not dimming my spark
when The Game Is Rigged
and we have been trained to dim consistently
and readily

a tiny example

yesterday in waltz class
there were more leads than follows
I wanted to lead but people kept
expecting me to jump in and follow to even things out

and I almost did

I had to bring so much consciousness into the moment
in order to realize
HEY WAIT, I WANT TO LEAD
I want to be learning to lead this cool move!
and I paid $14 to learn this!
and who cares what other people think or what I perceive they might think

but there it is
I almost caved on what I wanted
because of all the accumulated cultural good-girl programming
that tells me “helpful” and “compliant” are my job

and of course it didn’t occur to me that one of the men could just as easily jump into follow role (until one of them did)

anything else about not dimming my spark?

cultural agreements want us to dim
so every act of not-dimming is a tiny beautiful revolution

dictation from one of the wild sisters:

  1. Anyone in your life who says things like “did you do thing X that you were supposed to do” does not understand about All Timing Is Right Timing, and and needs to know that this is always the wrong question. A more helpful question is “Hey, just checking in, is thing X still important to you, and if so, how can I help?”

    You can train the people in your life in the helpful way to ask questions, or you can invite new people into your life to replace the current ones. Either of these is absolutely valid as an option, follow your yes, as in all things.

  2. All timing is right timing, and I know you have trouble believing this, so I need you to channel the part of you who knows this. This moment is a fucking miracle, and what you think is late is right on time. You can’t see any of the goings on backstage, or above/below/all-around you, just know that everything is configuring and reconfiguring beautifully around you. You know how when you waltz with Uwe if you are even a fraction off on a turn he adjusts himself almost invisibly so that you end up exactly back in his arms, and the only reason you notice him doing this is that you are also a marvelous dancer? Well, there are energies that are marvelous dancers, and they are all integrating and moving and interacting, and they can recalibrate seamlessly according to where you are, so BE WHERE YOU ARE, and rejoice: where I am is just right. And know that all the changes and shifts that need to be made are already happening, it all is already becoming, it all already is, so just breathe and say thank you, that is your only mission.
  3. All of this inherited guilt/shame/late, the idea that you are behind, the idea that you owe people things, that people wanting your time is more important than what you are called to be doing (or not doing!) with your time, it is all Rigging. It is all Culture. And it isn’t there to serve you. It’s there to serve the hierarchies and the forces that be. So every time you refuse to participate, you’re dismantling the patriarchy. Bam.

what do I know about my wish this week

it is a wish about adventure
both internal and external
and resting into adventure
and letting rest be the adventure
and the door into other adventures

it is a wish about glowing clarity and
clear glowing

and it is a wish about restoring my crown
so that the wild mysteries become fascinating
rather than frustrating

so that I can say
“oh wow, what an interesting challenge to my glow!”
instead of hiding in bed
and if I do choose hiding in bed
I can delight in the hiding
and in the choosing to hide,
knowing that this is just another sweet way
to rest into clarity
and what could possibly be better than that

may it be so!

now

I’m sitting at Slow Bar, appropriately enough
today has very much been about slowness
and trusting this slowness, trusting the All Is Well of slowness
is part of the mission of rest into clarity
and also part of the wild mysteries

it is marvelously dark in here
the booths are tall and deep red, making their own little world
I hardly ever drink and when I do, only whiskey
but today I ordered a pomegranate margarita made with peppercorn tequila

partly to satisfy my ongoing obsession with pomegranate
partly because my mouth liked the taste of the word peppercorn
especially in combination
(pomegranate-peppercorn pomegranate-peppercorn!)

they call this drink the Zerkpatrick, a marvelous name
and the wild sisters wanted newness and adventure
the unfamiliar path

glow more glow more glow more
down the unfamiliar path

this week I have said yes to many new things
so yes: glow more down the unfamiliar path

superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone.

November - Glow More november (on the fluent self calendar) is GLOW MORE, with the superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone

november has been giving me all kinds of
glow challenges
and I am pausing/anchoring/exhaling
to say THANK YOU for the extra training

and for the reminder

thank you, past-me, for choosing this for me

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about cornbread vs the iditarod

this wish helped me realize that dance
is not just something I love
or a way to ease the ongoing heartache of [he is gone]
but a container for me to learn the things I need to learn
in the rest of my life

and giving dance its own container
so that I can say yes to things that are [butter]
and no to [cornbread]
this is a more important mission than I’d realized when wishing the wish

thank you, process of writing about wishes, and thank you, me who asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes