A request for a Resilient Heart

Yesterday before first tête-à-tête aka twelve minutes communing with Incoming Me, I requested a resilient heart.

I often ask a question or name an intention before we sit together, but this formal request situation surprised me.

And usually even if I do have something in the category of a request, my preference is to frame that in the form of asking for clues; a felt sense to guide me, an insight of wild clarity, a next indicated step.

This time I just submitted a request. Wrote it on my notepad:

A Request for a Resilient Heart

The answer that came almost immediately, not from Slightly Wiser Me, but from my heart itself was that I already have one, a Resilient Heart is mine. And I said, ok sure except I don’t perceive the resilience.

The response was that it doesn’t matter because I’m still asking for something I already have and embody even if I don’t experience it that way.

What else am I longing for that I already possess? What requests am I submitting that are already taken care of?!

Weekend Check-in (Chicken!), we made it.

Reviewing the week aka check-in (CHICKEN! It’s fun to say!) is not only a reassuring ritual for me, it is another form of remembering, turning inward, paying attention, attentiveness to self.

We can name what was difficult and we can name what worked, I find naming to be therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? It’s all useful intel.

But also we are here to just take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and admiration and hand-to-heart appreciation.

And if I neglect to name something big in the world this week, could be ADHD, but more likely: my break from news after spiraling hard in December.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO is still the pandemic, the dissonance, the different worlds we seem to be navigating, the lack of consensus reality or even a shared context. Sometimes this fills me with fury and sometimes with despair, and a lot of the time I just can’t cope with it at all, and so I seclude even deeper, for better and for worse.

What else was not my favorite this week?

Related to Thing Zero, I have been trying to mail a letter for about a month, and every time I go to the post office to get a stamp, half the people have masks beneath their nose, including the staff, so I make it just inside and then panic and run away.

I know it’s possible to buy stamps online but I don’t have a mailing address most of the time, and I don’t know where I will be when because of The Ongoing Situation aka The Mysteries Of Place.

Related to the Mysteries of Place, I thought I was hiding out here at the casita until 10 February, but it turns out I exit Monday. Do I have a plan? I do not. Do I have any indication of where next? Can’t wait to find out.

Related to The Mystery of What Happens Monday, my internal criticism monsters have a lot to say about how I am unprepared for life in general, and bad at adulthood, and unequipped for life’s inconsistencies and vicissitudes.

Related to the Mysteries of Heart, some painful and uncomfortable realizations about past and present, and I’m still pellet-pushing in hopes of the tiniest crumbs of affection and sweetness.

Other than that, just tired. This full moon is a doozy. Anyone else feeling it?

If I were going to sum up my mood with music, I am somewhere in between Love Is A Bitch by Two Feet, and Unsaid with Norah Jones, with a splash of Straight Up by Paula Abdul.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • I have to say that I am feeling remarkably calm and grounded about the many great unknowns, including What Happens Monday and the surprising reappearance of love story from then. Is this related to phone off and an amount of yoga that could be described as alarming? WHO CAN SAY. But yeah, probably, that could be it.
  • Gently and firmly reminding the internal self criticism monster chorus that literally no one could have predicted the way this last year unfolded in general never mind for me specifically. This is uncharted territory. And I’m an agile bobcat, I land on my feet, I can move through this with steady grace, and I plan to.
  • Beautiful striking clues from the cards.
  • Keeping my phone in airplane mode which I call AIR mode (AIR = Access Internal Resonance), and wow, does that ever do wonders for both my focus and my emotional well being. The other day I didn’t even open it until evening, who am I and what is happening?
  • Clues have been showing up when I need them.
  • My meditations have been about loving myself so deeply that there’s nothing else, gain strength through detaching from outcome. A lot of tears, but a lot of good tears.
  • My heart is guarded, but my heart is also resilient.
  • Made pistachio fudge, and it was life-ruiningly good, all previous desserts are rebuked, canceled, and banished, because this is the holy truth of life itself.
  • Wrote ten thousand words on the essay I started back in May that was the most stuck. Not sure what I want to do with all these words or if this is the right venue for them, but they exist and the creative process was fulfilling, and how often can you say that? Maybe a lot, but I haven’t in quite a long time. Felt so good to be in intimate flow with myself again. A breath of for this grace.
  • Hot Girl Tu B’shvat! Yesterday was Tu B’shvat, the birthday of the trees; you eat fruit and nuts, and feel joyful and appreciative about trees. As holidays go, it’s a good one.
  • Morning rituals are working, in news that is shocking to no one, but I remain astonished. A breath of wonder.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,

The Fluent Self