Got what I wanted but not in the way I wanted it (story hour)

This week I journaled a lot on my wish of spending less time on my phone.

Specifically my wish is to spend my day with my day, aka with my projects and incoming selves, with zero desire to interact with my phone.

Such a beautiful wish, so luscious and enticing. I love the idea of being so immersed in something I’m passionate about that it doesn’t even occur to me to check my phone for updates, like a rat in an experiment who can’t stop pushing the button in an attempt to win attention-pellets and affection-treats.

And guess what, I got my wish but in the most annoying way!

One day I opened phone earlier than usual to see what time [person I love smiling at] was able to meet up for smiling and walking.

Except instead of warmth and sweetness, their text said “I’m beginning to feel concerned that [redacted really really great aspect of our connection, though not what you’re probably thinking because we are definitely not doing that!] might be unhealthy”, and wow, yeah, wow, that, as my friend K said, is certainly a word choice someone could make.

That might be one of the worst texts I’ve ever gotten, possibly the most boring thing a man has ever said to me, and men have been boring me to death for my entire life, though obviously the prize for worst text I’ve ever gotten still goes to “Happy Turkey Day!” from the person I thought was my boyfriend of eight months or so, after ghosting me, so let’s say this new terrible text can be second place, tied only with “Sorry for vanishing and hope you’re well”.

Anyway, I don’t want to ever see a text like that again, and so I lost all interest in looking at my phone, and haven’t been opening it at all until I need to drive somewhere.

Next time I will ask for my wish to come true in a way that is fun and joyful please, but in the meantime, hey I’m not looking at my phone! So that’s something. A start. Maybe.

Weekend Check-in, we made it.

Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, but another form of remembering, turning inward with attentiveness.

We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.

Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.

If I neglect to name something big in the world, could be ADHD but also I’m on an extended news break after spiraling hard.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO and THING ONE remain the combination of the pandemic and the dissonance, no shared reality, no shared context, and not just regarding the coronavirus, but in so many ways, it’s kind of all blurring together to me, and so now I miss people and also I kind of hate pretty much everyone (not you), and when I’m not hating, I just don’t trust. That’s the best I can arrive at: not-trusting.

So part of that is my stuff, and part of it is structural, but a lot of it is just that I have lost so many friends to misinformation/disinformation, and it’s just sad. So much grief, so much loss, such a long year-and-change. Here’s to and-change, multiple meanings.

Meanwhile, my dad keeps asking me when I’m getting the vaccine, and I did not know there could be a more frustrating, irritating, guaranteed to get me to lose my patience question than his (and my monsters) other favorites aka “where will you live, what’s happening with your business, what are you doing with your life???”

But that’s the worst question and I hate it, mainly because not only do I not have an answer, I don’t know how to get an answer. The county in Arizona where I’m currently hiding is full of retired people, they aren’t even vaccinating people in their fifties yet, and my county in New Mexico has my number and is welcome to call me any time, but there’s no way to know when that will be. Or how I can get there.

It’s a waiting game, and it’s been a very long more-than-a-year of Unknowns & The Cards Said Wait.

Not just that, it’s been a very long more-than-a-year for me of no one to talk to and no one to touch, and sometimes the loneliness is so complete and all-encompassing in its agony, so utterly unbearable that I cannot do anything except be wrecked by it. It washes over me. All I can do is breathe and hope things will be different.

Very weepy this week, in general, which could be hormones or it could be the not-knowing, or it could be that while I am finally sleeping more hours, my dreams are so exhausting and stressful that I wake up more tired than I was when I went to bed. IT IS RUDE OF SLEEP TO MAKE ME MORE TIRED, and I emphatically rebuke this entire situation.

Or it could be because I read the news which was a terrible mistake and reminded me that I am not able to read the news and be a functioning human who remembers how to breathe. So now I know about Atlanta and about Sarah Everard, and other painful things, and when I am immersed in the collective grief, I am mostly useless. That’s a clue for me about something, about many things.

After a solitary month, I was looking forward to a walk with [the person I love smiling at], and that fell apart in the most ludicrous, boring way imaginable, the terrible text resulted in a falling out that I can only describe as inane.

I dislike being the one doing 95% of the conciliatory work to untangle the misunderstanding, but not as much as I dislike knowing someone would let me go over some crossed wires. I guess that’s also a clue, but why are all the clues terrible right now, who knows.

It kind of feels right now as if I am in the worst part of the slow-motion montage. That is, I know things are shifting and getting better but I’m still very much in the slog of it.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

I feel incredibly fortunate to be in good health right now, a breath for this amazing good fortune.

My dad got his first dose of the vaccine this week, and I truly had not realized the extent of the worry-stress I’d been carrying about this until it happened. Joyful reassurance, exhaling again.

Four other friends got vaccinated this week as well. I feel delighted for them and hopeful for the rest of us, may we all be vaccinated speedily and in the best possible circumstances.

I am in a safe space for an entire month, for the first time since last June, and it feels amazing.

Oh and I bought a book, which is huge. My brain broke last spring, and other than my own writing, I haven’t read anything longer than a tweet in at least a year. The book is The Cooking Gene by Michael Twitty, someone I only know from Twitter but am very fond of. I am excited to even be in a hopeful enough place that I can imagine being someone who reads again.

Slow motion montage might be frustrating but also it is working, having some breakthroughs, both in my physical practice and in some other things I’m working on/through.

Equinox rituals were beautiful (happy vernal equinox!), and I did some writing about my wishes and had some useful epiphanies many of which were also very, very funny. Here’s to Agility, Frivolity & Vengeance!

Fancy hot tub night under the most beautiful crescent moon and surrounded by the most loving saguaro cacti.

I am welcoming solutions that hold me in High Regard. I am inviting in new and better, in all forms, may all misunderstandings be dissolved in love and may new playmates come into my life who are more fun and less work and only send texts of Wild Adoration (but I’m still able to not check my phone until the evening!).

Made really incredible lemonade this week, and next up is a grapefruit shrub, going to pick some grapefruits from a friend’s garden. And a friend delivered a birthday present of my favorite dark chocolate covered ginger, along with some extremely delicious bonbons which I absolutely had for breakfast, superpowers of that.

Might have a good place to stay for the summer, please blow some kisses in the air for this or light a candle, or whatever your preferred form or celebratory supportive magic. May it be so or something even better.

And my other wish is to stop fighting/dreading/hating this part of the slow motion montage and the glow-up ops, and figure out how to channel some EXCITEMENT for them.

Otherwise, just remembering that I’m a powerful sorceress and that leveling up is a process with ups and downs, and maybe I can have more fun with that, like a rollercoaster I decided to ride for fun, and less like something bewildering that is happening to me.

The other thing that has really been working for me is magical numbers. Setting a bell for one hour, eleven minutes and eleven seconds gets me to roll around on the floor and be a bobcat or do some yoga, and it’s also a good amount of time for me to play with a writing project or knock things off my list. LET’S SLAY OUR SHIT is the battlecry/slogan, and that plus the right container of time is magic.

I’m learning new words in Arabic, trying out new recipes, my mental map of Tucson filled in a bunch of gaps, like the last few puzzle pieces all clicking into place. My brain is sad but my brain is working again, and along with it my desire to learn, play and experience is back on! I really missed caring about things.

Thank you again so much to everyone who sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, it is always welcome and received with love, and if I can land in a place, which is the wish-goal of wish-goals, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,

The Fluent Self