content warning: heads up that in this piece there will be some talk at one point related to sexual assault, I do not go into detail because not the point and I don’t want my trauma to set off yours, however a strong force field is recommended if this is your stuff too, god knows it is for so many of us, please know that I am glowing love and sanctuary for you!
X vs not-X.
Today we are going to talk about the common if rarely acknowledged life phenomenon of [you decide you’re finally ready to have more X in your life and all you get is the opposite of X].
Haha, and in fact, sometimes you immediately receive the opposite of X, sometimes even in a swift and startling way that makes you question all your life choices.
What is X?
You did the work of getting clear about what you want, sparklepoints for that!
You invited it into your life, which is brave, vulnerable, admirable.
And now you are receiving not-that! And presumably this feels frustrating and kind of depressing, very understandable that you’d feel that way if you do.
This is a thing that happens, a lot, so let’s take a look at it. With love and with breath.
Maybe we can find some solace, some sweet reassurance, and even more Crown On for the month of Majesty.
First we breathe.
Right, yes, I remember now. This is what it feels like to pay attention to where I live, feel this life force circulating through this container of my body, this body of water and emotion, inhale, exhale.
Breathing to draw attention back to being in a body, which is extra hard when we are lost in the world of screens.
Hi, body, what do you need right now? Hello, temporarily-forgotten sense-memory of embodied.
A breath of Trust-love. A breath of I Am Here Now.
A breath for Clarity. A breath for we’ve got this, babe.
A breath of how much more gentle can I be with myself and my process.
A breath for even if this is hard to do, hey I’m trying and that is meaningful.
A breath (and a kiss) for X and all the beautiful challenging mysteries of X.
A breath that is a loving heart-sigh for this magnificent heart.
We are so courageous even when we forget.
Wishing is subversive and brave, it is courageous and against-culture to make room for ourselves to desire, to want what we want, to investigate our wantings.
I say this often and it is true.
It is hard enough to want, to admit the wanting, to make room for a wish, to welcome it in.
And then when we suddenly receive seemingly the opposite of our wish, that is scary and frustrating and sometimes we don’t want to wish wishes anymore.
I have heard this sentiment reverberate many times throughout the past thirteen (!) years doing this work here. People tell me they feel too wary, too reluctant, too worn down to wish wishes or seed a quality or make a compass, for fear of getting the opposite of X, instead of the X they crave.
A breath for this.
The head pain from a displaced crown.
I called in Majesty as the quality for January, and immediately was hit with every possible boundary-related challenge.
Crown On is the ongoing practice of maintaining my own sense of sovereignty and awareness of agency. And suddenly I had to activate this in every single interaction in my day.
This month has come with endless migraines from people trying be in my head and guess what I might be thinking instead of peacefully staying in their own headspace and using their actual words to communicate.
This of course is a fairly common complication or side effect of being witchy/spectrum-ey/hsp, but I usually have a handle on it. In fact, I thought I’d mostly solved this one for good.
But nope, as soon as the month of Majesty began, so did the return of the migraines, as well as a whole parade of what I call WUSIT, which is an acronym for What Unsovereign Shit Is This.
What is the opposite of Majesty?
On New Years Eve, someone kissed me without my consent, and it goes beyond that because they told me in advance of their plan to kiss me at midnight and I said nope, please do not, I don’t want that, trusting that they understood because we are friends, but then they did it anyway.
Then a total stranger grabbed me into a hug I didn’t agree to and kissed me on the cheek like lalalala HAPPY NEW YEAR, as if this is not 2018 where we all know that consent not only matters, but is everything. I pushed him away, like, dude wtf, but it had already happened.
After yoga, in the sauna, some dude thought it would be a good idea to tell me about his evening at Hooters the night before. (If you are in Australia or another place where this blessedly does not exist, I believe it is the restaurant responsible for the truly terrible term “breastaurant”).
Anyway, he felt entitled to share with me the details/intensity of the desire he feels towards busty women in short shorts in general and the women who work there in particular. While I, a woman matching that exact description, was stuck in a sauna with him, super awesome.
I gave him the look of ew, and he backtracked, but I am wishing for the retroactive superpowers that would have allowed me to slice through my momentary paralysis and respond with something more direct, like WOW INAPPROPRIATE DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OR ANY WOMAN LIKE THIS OR MAYBE AT ALL EVER.
But of course there is all the programming we have to do from being immersed in rape culture, and I was just trying to remove myself safely from this situation.
And, thanks to related cultural conditioning and internalized misogyny which is also bullshit, was deeply regretting wearing shorts, even though hot yoga is hot, as are saunas, and also I think we can all agree that pants are nonsense, especially in a sauna.
Three sweaters, at least.
And then I cried in the hallway outside, remembering how everyone in the yoga community blamed me after I was assaulted at my very first yoga teaching job.
They said the combination of my too-much over-the-top body and tight clothing (yoga clothes, people, that’s how they fit) had given the studio owner the “wrong idea”, so really the awful things he did could have been avoided if I’d just had the good sense to cover up.
Goodbye forever to this victim-blaming slut-shaming hurtful nonsense.
And for a time I too believed maybe it was the fault of my external container, so, after it happened I only did yoga in sweats and long dresses and sweaters, for a little over a decade, and really, fuck that shit forever.
My container is a magnificent miracle of life and aliveness, and, more importantly, it is mine.
Let me be very clear on this:
Anyone who can’t respect — and treasure — my space, my body, my knowing of self, my decisions, my agency and autonomy can exit my life immediately and forever.
This unwavering certainty is the distilled essence of the month of Majesty.
Someone I only-sort-of-know saw me crying and came to sit by me.
He asked, very respectfully and with kindness, if I wanted a hug or someone to sit and listen, and I did want that, I wanted both those things in that moment, and was happy to receive them and happy for the offer.
So thank you, treasure and comfort that show up to meet my pain. Thank you, experiences of crown-off that make up the circuitous labyrinth path to restoring my sense of crown.
The perils of people-pleasing tendencies aka the opposite of majesty.
I ran into someone I always enjoy running into and gave her my number, because hey maybe some time we could go dancing or catch K’s show together, and I want to come hear her sing.
Except she started sending me daily inspirational motivational-quote texts, and whoa how do I opt out of this, I did not consent to this onslaught of unsolicited affirmations.
Except then of course I got caught-up in people-pleasing (my own WUSIT popping up to meet hers!) and wanting to honor her kind loving intention, so I didn’t set a clear boundary or expectation even though that was what I needed.
It is the month of crown on and everything majestic!
This includes celebrating my own majesty, and my relationship with my internal kingdom — the beautiful complex worlds of my mind, my heart, my intuitive knowing, my memories and experiences, my wishes, my life.
And, thanks to this phenomenon of The Opposite Of X, it is also the month of setting boundaries, the month of clearing my space, and circumventing migraine-situations.
Is the month of Majesty kicking my ass? Yes and no.
It is revealing. It is showing me where my crown is not, showing me where and how to look, with kindness.
People like to use various theories of reality to explain the phenomenon of getting the opposite of your wish, but let’s avoid those and keep it simple.
At the most basic level, when we direct our attention to desire in the form of wishing a wish, we are more inclined to notice what isn’t working. And there are monsters.
And when we clear the crud from something, we notice just how much crud before we can see the clearing and the effects of the clearing. Sometimes it kind of just looks like all crud, because so much is coming off to be released.
And, just like walking a labyrinth, the moment when you perceive that you are farthest from center is when you are closest to arriving at the crux of it. A passage that takes you to the edge in order to take you to center.
Just like how boundary work is part of my path to majesty.
What is useful about getting not-what-we-want?
+ when part of the process of towards is away
+ new sight / new perspective
+ whoosh goodbye old layers of crud
+ observing the pattern changes the pattern
+ intention sets newness into motion, I can play with how I react and respond
+ how much kindness can I bring to the observing
+ how do I practice Wild Self-Treasuring even (especially!) in these moments of oh hey this is the opposite of my wish, bringing me closer to the essence of what I wish for
Can we plant some superpowers?
All In Good Timing
Add Compassion And Let It Sit Overnight
So Courageous Of Us To Want What We Want (sparklepoints!)
Whatever We Learn From The Absence Will Bring Us To Treasure
It Is Safe To Learn About My Desires
What A Beautiful Practice
Crown On Crown On Crown On
Glowing These Beautiful Boundaries Until They Hold Themselves
I Perceive Myself With The Loving Eyes & Loving Heart Of Incoming Me
Welcome, month of Majesty, you are treasure and treasured.
I told a story on Twitter this week when I heard that we lost Dolores O’Riordan, and I will tell you too.
Can’t remember when this was, must be somewhere between 1999 and 2002. A guy in the audience climbed up on stage and she immediately shoved him away from her, shoved him hard, and bolted off-stage.
We stood and waited. However many minutes later, she came back.
She said something like “anyone fucking tries that shit again and we are DONE here”, then immediately switched gears and continued a kickass show out under the stars, such a beautiful night, love her.
I admire her so much, for many things, but right now, especially in this month of Majesty, for that.
For taking care of herself in the moment, for taking care of herself first, for not pausing to consider anything other than protecting her space. Let’s all live by Safety First. Let’s protect our space first.
I WANT TO ALWAYS TREASURE MY PERSONAL SPACE AS MUCH AS SHE DID.
How is that for a just-right wish to accompany the month of Majesty?
May it be so, for all of us, and even better than that.
Invitation for this post!
You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on the theme of Majesty, and of course we can seed any wishes, intentions or desired superpowers for this month, trusting that they will indeed come in even after revealing some opposites, whatever you like…
We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.
Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.
Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.