It has been Decided (it’s art!)

Do you know the Art Decider twitter account? I am taking an extended holiday from social media which has honestly been luscious and restorative, who knew, other than literally everyone?

However, if one must be on Twitter (or if one is wisely not at all on Twitter and wondering what I’m talking about), the Art Decider account generously and hilariously confirms that many things are indeed art.

For example, if someone shares a ludicrous anecdote, someone might comment: @ArtDecider? And then Art Decider will comment: ART.

Anyway, sometimes this runs in my head all by itself, and as I took a bite of the first of my gorgeous, difficult-to-acquire, magnificent vegan bonbons from Monsoon Chocolate, I gasped and instinctively whispered ART.

So this has been my proxy or a sort of lens over this past week, and it has been amusing me in this time when small amusements help a lot. Is it art? ART!!!!

Here we are, a weekend Check-in (Chicken), checking in with ourselves and our week, naming what was hard and/or good, often there is cross-over, to practice presence and other good things in community. High fives all around and admiration (a parade if we want one) for making it here, and some breaths for all that was and is.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO before all else is still the same Thing Zero: existing in terrifying political upheaval here in the United States (with the extra fun backdrop of Thing One aka the pandemic and the specter of death, the grief-loss-panic-fear of it all). I wonder if the person driving next to me or walking on the street thinks armed white supremacists storming the Capitol is awesome, for example. I know we always are among people whose inner thoughts we find abhorrent, and the dissonance is not in any way new, it is just very loud. Hand on heart breaths for being in this tumult, and separating from the anxiety soup of the collective.

Thing Two: moving again, it is not my favorite. Taking care of everything myself, also not my favorite.

Thing Three is the unwelcome return of the 2am Witching Hour after a blissful five night reprieve.

Thing Four, unexpectedly heard from my long-lost lover. Just the most bland, unseasoned, uninspired attempt at reconnection. No spark. I miss spark life. I miss being a bonfire of love. This casual politeness borders on insulting; an unworthy offering to the goddess. Not Art!

My wish is to achieve a state of Devastating Serenity, from which to calmly notice when I am not being lovingly held in high regard, and casually ignore what doesn’t envelop me in warmth, without becoming a rage hurricane.

Thing Five is how I exist outside of time (ADHD plus dreamy piscean leanings), but live in a world that is time-bound, which means I continue to wildly overestimate not only how many things can fit into a day, but also my capacity and interest to give any of them any anything at all.

Thing Six the Blandemic — seemingly everything is uninspired, the internet is boring, fashion is dull, things I usually like feel lackluster. Not me, of course, I am at long last, having finally crawled from the pits of despair, back to being shining and sparkly, attuned to the Muse of playfulness and regeneration.

But everything else is unimpressive and NOT ART, sorry, this just is, I don’t know why, but my friend’s theory is that everyone took the break between xmas and new year’s to collapse aka encounter just how much trauma this year was, and the blandness is like a protective response. Maybe! Sounds reasonable!

Thing Seven: Boundary issues abounding.

And Thing Eight: My pause from social media and other distractions has mostly been a joy, but there is a post-sunset moment when I suddenly feel overwhelmed by the vast expanse of the hours before bed, crave distraction, but have no ability to focus on a book or a movie.

Then I realize I’m just gonna have to SIT WITH THE VOID and MY BIG TUMULTUOUS FEELINGS like a barbarian, haha, or really, probably more like: a person who is braver than I am.

Fortunately, I discovered that the You Must Contemplate The Abyss Otherwise You Are Indulging In Escapism is actually a clever internal self-criticism monster! So I’ve been watching food videos, learning how to pronounce words in other languages, reminding myself that seeking pleasure is a worthy pursuit for a Havi.

Breaths of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy for the hard things being hard, recognition that they really are a lot.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

  • Thank you, Sonoran desert, thank you sunshine, thank you, lovely patio furniture, I curled up on a couch in the sun like a happy lizard and listened to the birds.
  • Each day in my tête-à-tête (meditation) with my Incoming self, I put in a request for supportive solutions, for support in getting better at welcoming and recognizing supportive solutions. And this week something that has been one of my BIGGEST scary stressful worries since October just resolved itself beautifully, a perfect right answer showed up. Is this Art? It is Art!
  • Expanding on that, this superpower of I didn’t even have to do anything, it’s all working out, incredible, more of this please (I definitely have other situations that could use some surprise good fortune), thank you, miracles.
  • Not to brag (totally to brag, joyfully, because this is exciting), for the first time ever I have been able to consistently close tabs and empty the Box of In every day, instead of letting both these situations get so overwhelming that I just have to go hide. A trillion points to me.
  • A related thing I love: in gmail, when you have dispatched all your mail, it displays an illustration of a woman in a yellow coat happily reading in the grass in the sunshine. A rewarding image indeed. And I think the legs behind her are supposed to be hers, but it looks like she just casually tossed some guy off a cliff and went right back to her book while he sails over the edge; this resting assassin goddess is my actual hero. Goals! And also: ART.
  • My mental health preservation move du jour (all week long actually) was spending five hours a day in yoga/meditation/dance/movement/legs up the wall, and you’ll be as astonished as I was to learn that yes, I feel amazing, and somehow everything else got done too, so what is this Sorcery???
  • I enjoyed my solitude again this week, a delight after the agonizing loneliness of 2020.
  • My chiropractor wanted to know WHERE all my shoulder tension disappeared to, and I told him it was all the neck stretches I’ve been doing, which is not not-true, but it’s probably two weeks of avoiding Twitter and news sites, maybe it’s taking care of my mental health, maybe it’s Maybelline, WHO CAN SAY.
  • Fuck yeah, impeachment in the House. Was that this week? What is time? And yes, everyone texted me about it.
  • My week was filled with delicious food, all things luscious and enticing, I fixed myself beautiful plates and even did some cooking (who am I), and took pleasure in taking pleasure, for no occasion other than being alive, which itself (pleasure-taking as its own occasion!) is maybe one of my biggest wishes.
  • My thank-you heart is full: texting with friends, the absolute miracles of technology, Zoom yoga with my favorite New Mexico teachers, a bundle of creosote from the herb shop hanging in my shower and filling my space with the scent of the desert at its most magical. Is this art? It is art indeed.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot. Also if you wish to declare that things are ART (or Not Art), you are welcome, it is even more fun than it sounds!

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,

The Fluent Self